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Fourth date: should I invite the guy over to watch DVDs if I don't plan on having sex

SadandConfusedWA

By SadandConfusedWA
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SadandConfusedWA Established Member

SadandConfusedWA

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I am housesitting a HUGE house for a friend for the next 3 weeks. I am abslutely loving it :bunny: even if it takes a bit longer to get to work.

 

So I am thinking of inviting the guy I have been "dating" (only 3 dates so far) over one evening to watch some movies and have light dinner. He has been paying for everything previously so I thought this would be a nice thing to do. Plus the home enivroment can possibly help to get us closer (emotionally).

 

The thing is, it's too early for sex but I am ok with making out.

 

What to do?

carhill Established Member

carhill

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Maybe I'm just old and weird but I'm imagining getting frisky with a lady at my best friends house while they're away on vacation (which they are right now for four months) and I'm thinking 'ewww'....

 

Personally, I think it's fine to invite a guy over for a small social gathering at one's home at this juncture, but *most* normal men, if invited to a lady's house alone at night, presume something and it ain't reading bedtime stories to kiddies. Just saying. In fact, I've disappointed more than one woman who perhaps thought her invitation of such meant more than I perceived it, simply because 'normal' men perceive it to mean sex. One opinion. Good luck :)

Cracker Jack Established Member

Cracker Jack

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Sounds like a good idea to me.

ecko280 Member

ecko280

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If your not ready for sex, don't put your self in the position to have sex. When this guy makes a move to have sex with you (and he will), you will reject him. He will be very disappointed.

skydiveaddict Established Member

skydiveaddict

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you dont have to have sex if you dont want to

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

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An invitation over to "watch movies" is almost always a euphemism for "having sex," or at least some very heavy play time.

 

If you're not ready to have sex, then don't have dates which are designed for sex to take place. Would you invite him to a hotel room to "watch pay per view"?

skydiveaddict Established Member

skydiveaddict

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An invitation over to "watch movies" is almost always a euphemism for "having sex," or at least some very heavy play time.

 

If you're not ready to have sex, then don't have dates which are designed for sex to take place. Would you invite him to a hotel room to "watch pay per view"?

 

 

I dont agree. cant a girl just ask a guy over to watch a movie?

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

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I dont agree. cant a girl just ask a guy over to watch a movie?

 

I thought the same thing, until it happened to me. Not once, not twice, three times. And the advice I received, primarily from guys, was that an invite over for dinner and a movie at home was an open invitation to hook up. Each guy left severely disappointed, but once I figured out what was happening, I stopped extending and/or accepting such invitations.

alexlakeman Established Member

alexlakeman

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How old are you guys??????????????? Three - Four dates and you are still NOT going to put out? You better ask youself why don't you like him so much.... I wouldn't be a happy camper if a date invites me to her place at the fourth date and nothing happens :rolleyes:... what about all the $ he's spent so far on wining and dining you? Why lead him on?

skydiveaddict Established Member

skydiveaddict

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what about if she's just not ready? Money has nothing to to with it. If you just want to get laid, go buy a whore

O'Malley Established Member

O'Malley

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Does he seem content to be as intimate as you want and doesn't try to push too far for your comfort zone?

 

If your not ready for sex, don't put your self in the position to have sex. When this guy makes a move to have sex with you (and he will), you will reject him. He will be very disappointed.

 

Possibly disappointed -- but hopefully (sensibly) not devastated that he hasn't accomplished some sex deadline. Or not pissed off that his idea of 4 dates equals sex didn't pan out. Apparently I've been involved with old school guys who didn't presume my hanging out at either of our residences meant they were definitely getting action.

 

On LS, there seems to be way too much perception of making out being 'd*ck teasing' and overlooking it as a natural progression to further intimacy somewhere down the line. If you're not ready to have sex, just keep to the parameters of the living room, keep the clothing on and have fun. It's his problem if he can't handle that as part of dating you. This is dating, not a pay as you play transaction.

kalikula Established Member

kalikula

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I don't understand why people (at least that one user above) are pushing you to "put out" if you're not ready! Wtf? Just because they've had a few dates she's suddenly obligated to go further sexually than she is comfortable with? Maybe she doesn't want to get sexually involved with someone until they're committed/serious... There is nothing wrong with that.

 

I think that's fine but maybe you could work in a discussion on what you're both looking for... Or make out but definitely make it clear you're not going further if he tries to progress things.

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SadandConfusedWA Established Member

SadandConfusedWA

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Firstly, I am an old fashioned girl. I am not into casual sex. So I will wait until I feel that there is LTR potential here to move in that direction.

 

I ended up offering him two options for the next date, one was going out to a movie and another coming over to watch DVDs. He kind of hesitated and said that he will leave it up to me, as in whatever I feel comfortable in doing. That made me feel that he is thinking that I am thinking sex by inviting him over. Then he added "I just want to see you, doesn't matter what we do or where we go". I told him that I will let him know what we are doing tomorrow.

 

He is never pushy physically. We didn't go beyond kissing. Yet I can tell that he very attracted to me - just by his body language and how he looks at me ;)

 

We discussed what we want on the first date (but more in a general sense). He said that he wants a LTR, marriage, 2.4 kids and a station wagon :)

 

We are both 31 (he is 2 months older than me).

SpanksTheMonkey Established Member

SpanksTheMonkey

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An invitation over to "watch movies" is almost always a euphemism for "having sex," or at least some very heavy play time.

 

If you're not ready to have sex, then don't have dates which are designed for sex to take place. Would you invite him to a hotel room to "watch pay per view"?

 

While I agree with this how ever sad but true it may be

 

 

How old are you guys??????????????? Three - Four dates and you are still NOT going to put out? You better ask youself why don't you like him so much.... I wouldn't be a happy camper if a date invites me to her place at the fourth date and nothing happens :rolleyes:... what about all the $ he's spent so far on wining and dining you? Why lead him on?

 

I find this mindset to be rather immature if you want to pay for sex that bad im sure there are plenty of services out there for ya. Its nice to see some women are showing some level of self/respect restraint now a days

Eve Established Member

Eve

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Firstly, I am an old fashioned girl. I am not into casual sex. So I will wait until I feel that there is LTR potential here to move in that direction.

 

I ended up offering him two options for the next date, one was going out to a movie and another coming over to watch DVDs. He kind of hesitated and said that he will leave it up to me, as in whatever I feel comfortable in doing. That made me feel that he is thinking that I am thinking sex by inviting him over. Then he added "I just want to see you, doesn't matter what we do or where we go". I told him that I will let him know what we are doing tomorrow.

 

He is never pushy physically. We didn't go beyond kissing. Yet I can tell that he very attracted to me - just by his body language and how he looks at me ;)

 

We discussed what we want on the first date (but more in a general sense). He said that he wants a LTR, marriage, 2.4 kids and a station wagon :)

 

We are both 31 (he is 2 months older than me).

 

What Carhill said.

 

He sounds nice though. Not up himself, overly needy or creepy. He seems to know what he wants but the final hurdle is that he doesn't seem to be giving any suggestions himself. Be careful he isn't making you make all the decisions. Not that this is devastating or anything but.. just saying, it would be nice for him to come up with some suggestions too. Be careful, his suggestions may involve sport.. :sick:

 

I personally would go out again.. but I only say this because I like going out. Looking back we sort of extended time spent together doing stuff, whilst he (now Hubby) called me a LOT, LOT, LOT before I allowed him to get me completely alone... but thats me.

 

What I liked about your post was that you were able to state things to him and you both don't seem to have anything to hide. Good start.

 

I hope it is ok to ask and obviously you don't have to answer but how attracted are you to him? Is he cute?

 

*Eve gets all excited*

 

Take care,

Eve xx

marsle85 Established Member

marsle85

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I say, why bother with the risk? The environment make give him the wrong impression, and possibly change the context of the relationship. If you guys are doing good so far, and you know you don't want to have sex- don't put yourself in a funny situation. I say go on a real date, and maybe head back to the place for drinks or something. Then you can make out, and the entire night isn't focused on household activities, haha.

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SadandConfusedWA Established Member

SadandConfusedWA

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What Carhill said.

 

He sounds nice though. Not up himself, overly needy or creepy. He seems to know what he wants but the final hurdle is that he doesn't seem to be giving any suggestions himself. Be careful he isn't making you make all the decisions. Not that this is devastating or anything but.. just saying, it would be nice for him to come up with some suggestions too. Be careful, his suggestions may involve sport.. :sick:

 

I personally would go out again.. but I only say this because I like going out. Looking back we sort of extended time spent together doing stuff, whilst he (now Hubby) called me a LOT, LOT, LOT before I allowed him to get me completely alone... but thats me.

 

What I liked about your post was that you were able to state things to him and you both don't seem to have anything to hide. Good start.

 

I hope it is ok to ask and obviously you don't have to answer but how attracted are you to him? Is he cute?

 

*Eve gets all excited*

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

He is cute but I wouldn't say that I am super attracted to him. This might be a stumbling block later. I agree that he tends to be passive. He did suggest the restaraunt for the last date. But he ended up ordering the same thing as me. In general, I feel like I am more dominant out of the two of us and he tends to look for me to take the lead. I don't really mind this dynamic :)

BentSpine Established Member

BentSpine

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I would invite him to dinner, have a glass of wine along with food and call it a night with a good night kiss. No Making Out Without Putting Out (unless you're in public). Anyone considering MOWPO is recommended to stay away from relationships until they have awakened sexually. Once adults are comfortable enough to kiss again and again, they're comfortable enough for sex in my experience. That's how grown ups do relationships, the way I see it.

jenngem Member

jenngem

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How old are you guys??????????????? Three - Four dates and you are still NOT going to put out? You better ask youself why don't you like him so much.... I wouldn't be a happy camper if a date invites me to her place at the fourth date and nothing happens :rolleyes:... what about all the $ he's spent so far on wining and dining you? Why lead him on?

 

What's the rush? Some people date for much longer before they make out - everyone should decide for themselves when they're ready. If the guy is spending money on her and taking her out, that's his choice. He's an adult and no one is forcing him to date.

Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

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He's paid for everything to date.... Sorry if it sounds like a transaction, buy how much has he "spent" on you? Not trying to sound like a sexist male, but I don't pay for my friends to share their company.... Sometimes I pay more especially if I can afford it, sometimes less.... This is 2010.... You can't offer to pay for ice cream after dinner or for coffee? I saw you called yourself an "old fashioned girl". Maybe time to rethink your dating practices.

 

Inviting someone to a big, fun house for dinner and a movie, after he has been the one spending money would send the wrong signals, unless you lay it out before hand.

 

Now you make the point that you are just not that in to him "sexually", he is not that attractive and a little bit passive.....

 

Doesn't sound overly promising imo....

Edited by Toodamnpragmatic
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SadandConfusedWA Established Member

SadandConfusedWA

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He's paid for everything to date.... Sorry if it sounds like a transaction, buy how much has he "spent" on you? Not trying to sound like a sexist male, but I don't pay for my friends to share their company.... Sometimes I pay more especially if I can afford it, sometimes less.... This is 2010.... You can't offer to pay for ice cream after dinner or for coffee? I saw you called yourself an "old fashioned girl". Maybe time to rethink your dating practices.

 

Inviting someone to a big, fun house for dinner and a movie, after he has been the one spending money would send the wrong signals, unless you lay it out before hand.

 

Now you make the point that you are just not that in to him "sexually", he is not that attractive and a little bit passive.....

 

Doesn't sound overly promising imo....

 

 

Even if I was OMFG into him sexually, I still wouldn't have sex this early on. So that is irrelevant. I don't really mind a bit of passivity - but I am yet to see how big of a problem that is.

 

As for paying, I have offered EVERY single time. He refused. Last time I even took money out and put some towards the bill but he insisted I take it back. I don't know how much he has spent so far... perhaps couple of hundred dollars, perhaps a bit more.

 

To be honest, I have never dated anyone who didn't insist on paying. I am yet to meet a guy who will say yes when I offer the half. I just thought that's the way all men are? :confused:

Eve Established Member

Eve

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He is cute but I wouldn't say that I am super attracted to him. This might be a stumbling block later. I agree that he tends to be passive. He did suggest the restaraunt for the last date. But he ended up ordering the same thing as me. In general, I feel like I am more dominant out of the two of us and he tends to look for me to take the lead. I don't really mind this dynamic :)

 

From an outsiders perspective, it sounds to me as though you are both trying not to let anything colour your time together, so as to try and enjoy time together.

 

With you both being the same age and all, it probably is a case that you have both done this 'dance' a few times and want to make sure you give the other person ample opportunity to be themselves, rather than dominate each others space. This may be an indication that temperamentally you are alike.

 

This I see to be good as at least your interactions are genuine.

 

H'mm.. it will be interesting to see what else you both find out about each other over time. I would say that a good pairing depends on each person being comfortable and non manipulative in areas where they do dominate. For example, my Hubby doesn't like trying new foods and so will order what I order if I really liked it. He does trust my taste in MANY areas and his trust in me means everything to him. BUT, he is more structured in terms of planning time than I. I wake up in the morning and have crazy ideas of what to do. He will have been planning for a week. Sometimes he gives in, sometimes I give in, sometimes it is a joint decision but we don't manipulate or hurt each other and tell each other where to 'get off' if we have had enough, without any hard feelings.

 

So, over time, I have had to encourage him to be more forthright in certain areas and he has encouraged me to be more decisive in others but at the core, we are both simply easy going people.

 

As for the attraction.. not sure about this. I go with the whole 'beauty being within thing' but must admit to being highly attracted to my Hubby. He was more physically attracted to me than I him in the beginning though.

 

Have you had any further thoughts on what you would like to do?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

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Even if I was OMFG into him sexually, I still wouldn't have sex this early on. So that is irrelevant. I don't really mind a bit of passivity - but I am yet to see how big of a problem that is.

 

As for paying, I have offered EVERY single time. He refused. Last time I even took money out and put some towards the bill but he insisted I take it back. I don't know how much he has spent so far... perhaps couple of hundred dollars, perhaps a bit more.

 

To be honest, I have never dated anyone who didn't insist on paying. I am yet to meet a guy who will say yes when I offer the half. I just thought that's the way all men are? :confused:

 

Been a long long time since I dated.....:p:D But I have a daughter and always expect her not to put herself in bad situations and that includes paying her own way.

 

You're 31 and have never paid on a date? Some people would have a real issue with it.

 

Next time pay discreetly, tell him before hand this time it is your turn to pay or as said at least pay for some little things.

 

We are talking a fourth date between adults in private in as said a "fun" environment. He unless completely, sadly passive will expect more.

marsle85 Established Member

marsle85

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Been a long long time since I dated.....:p:D But I have a daughter and always expect her not to put herself in bad situations and that includes paying her own way.

 

I disagree. A man taking a woman out for whatever (be it an expensive dinner, or just mini-golf) is a simple, and generous way to express traditional social cues of affection and persual... It seems to me by refusing his kindness, the woman is setting a poor precedent. Women have become hyper-sensitive to going dutch, due to being critisized for enjoying, and accepting kindness. It's absolutely crazy, in my opinion. Ignoring his attempt actually puts up a wall: "I don't need you, I have my own money, my own things, yadayadaya" which very well may true... but relationships aren't based on two individuals who don't need eachother. Sure, I have my own money- but I don't have someone to treat me special, romantically, to treasure me. And because of this, I'm going to let you pay for me. It's important to be gracious, and to not manipulate the person- but it's also important to establish that trust and vulnerability between man and woman.

 

One to their own, certainly there are different dynamics in each relationship- yet I think rejecting a man's kindness is more risky than accepting it. If he is going to EXPECT sex, or other favors in "trade" of dinner-- it doesn't matter whether she pays or not... his behavior is going to reveal his intentions early on anyway.

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SadandConfusedWA Established Member

SadandConfusedWA

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Exactly. It is not about the money, it's about the gesture.

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