kashmir Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Long story short, I've been dating this girl for a week or so. Things have been moving pretty fast. We've been making out and getting pretty physical for the last few nights in a row. She recently texted me telling me that she's waiting for marriage until sex. I sent her a long message back, trying to be as considerate as possible. I told her that I really enjoyed being with her and kissing her, that I really liked her as a person. I'm not out for only sex. I would like sex, but an emotional connection is just as important to me. That being said, I've had sex before and I feel like I really need it to be satisfied. I love it and I fantasize about it, and I think I would be doing myself a disservice if I entered something where I deprived myself of it. I pretty much left it with the fact that I needed to think about it. I have a feeling she didn't take it well. She came onto me REALLY strong, right from the beginning. I just kinda went with it and ended up liking her. I don't know though, I feel like not having sex or at least not even stimulating the penis/vagina with oral or whatever is a pretty important thing. Can someone help me? I don't know what to do. I really don't want to hurt her or seem like a shallow jerk. Is there some way I can convince myself to go without sex? I wish there could be, but I'm 19 and still really focused on sex. Link to post Share on other sites
CommitmentPhobe Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Well firstly how can she text you something like that? And then you respond with a message? That's a sit down conversation surely? I'm 19 and still really focused on sex. As far as I see it you've answered your own question. Link to post Share on other sites
bean1 Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 kashmir, I was in a 3 year relationship (19-21) with a guy who would not have sex until marriage due to his religion (I was not a virgin). I regret not exploring my sexuality during those years (I waited for him, but he dumped me - because I wasn't his religion - funny, it wasn't an issue the first 3 years?). DON'T DO IT! Enjoy your youth! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kashmir Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 I would have liked for her to tell me in person, which is why I suggested we meet tomorrow to talk in person about it. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 So she's willing to get physical fast, but she doesn't want to have sex until marriage. Either way, that is her choice, and if it's not something you can handle, it's better you know now. Given how physical the two of you have gotten, well it's most likely why she felt the need to tell you, however chose to text you because it's easier done that way (maybe she's uncomfortable bringing it up in person). Either way, if this is not for you, move on. Link to post Share on other sites
RichGuy Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 That being said, I've had sex before and I feel like I really need it to be satisfied. I love it and I fantasize about it, and I think I would be doing myself a disservice if I entered something where I deprived myself of it. Good! That's the spirit! I knew you had potential! You are a man and you don't need to apologize to anyone about your manly desires for sex. Is there some way I can convince myself to go without sex? Now, that's the woman's suggestion. That's not what you want. Don't let her talk you into a sexless relationship. Take the following from my playbook: When I used to date Mormon girls in Utah, they were throughly brainwashed by the idea of marrying virgin. After a few dates with different girlies, I was convinced they were truly virgins and I wasn't going to get any. Luckily I met another virgin. Except this one was also really young and horny. She told me: "RichGuyl, I want to marry as a virgin for religious reasons, so you can only go in my butt, okay?" :) Link to post Share on other sites
ruggy Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 So, RichGuy, you even have girls call you RichGuy when you are up their butt? What. Not safe to give your first name to them? Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 I think if I were you that this would be a deal breaker. You're only 19! It's not like you will be getting married anytime soon. Don't deprive yourself of something as important as your sexual desires. Even at my age I am pretty sex focused. I can certainly go without it when I am not dating anyone- but if I am dating someone, having sex is important. Telling you this in a text message is pretty lame. Link to post Share on other sites
ruggy Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 lol @ D-Lish. Knew you were an aggressive woman. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 lol @ D-Lish. Knew you were an aggressive woman. Lol, I do like my sex:) I couldn't imagine being a 19 year guy and dating someone but not "getting any". It's just wrong...lol Link to post Share on other sites
uRabbit Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Well firstly how can she text you something like that? And then you respond with a message? That's a sit down conversation surely? That's our generation, for some people. I'd have to agree with the general populous on this one. If you cannot convince her to open her mind about having sex in the future, before marriage, then I would move on. Link to post Share on other sites
ruggy Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Just think it is amazing how couples now a days just jump into sex so fast. I guess I am really out of touch... Link to post Share on other sites
Author kashmir Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 Lol, I do like my sex:) I couldn't imagine being a 19 year guy and dating someone but not "getting any". It's just wrong...lol This whole thing is just a clash of moral code. By her Catholic-influenced code, she's not doing anything until she's married. By my code, I don't value virginity as much but instead value a sexual connection. Neither code is right or wrong, they're just different. Unfortunately, her code is usually viewed as more noble while mine is viewed as being shallow and disgusting by many. If she was just some random girl I met, this wouldn't bother me so much, but unfortunately I will continue to see her and her group all through college because we do a common activity. If I stop seeing her solely for this reason, I'll have a whole mass of girls that I know who will brand me as only being out for sex. I don't really want that. Most of all, though, I don't want to hurt her. As I said, I suggested that we talk about this further in person. We're going to do that today. She texted me a bit more and told me that no other guy she's been with in the past has had a problem with that. I don't know what to say to that, other than I do. Gah, this is so frustrating. It seems so wrong by society's standards to cut someone off because they refuse to go to a certain sexual point with you, which is why I'm feeling intense guilt. It shouldn't be that way, though, because we all have sexual desires, and just because some of us choose to pursue them while others don't doesn't make one group right and the other morally wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
BentSpine Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 I think your decision is wise. You can convince your logical brain but your prehistoric lizard brain will still respond stongly to attractive women you meet. The stronger drive you have, the stronger internal conflict you'll feel. Besides, finding out if you two have matching sexual drives is a must. Link to post Share on other sites
movingonandon Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Long story short, I've been dating this girl for a week or so. Things have been moving pretty fast. We've been making out and getting pretty physical for the last few nights in a row. She recently texted me telling me that she's waiting for marriage until sex. I sent her a long message back, trying to be as considerate as possible. I told her that I really enjoyed being with her and kissing her, that I really liked her as a person. I'm not out for only sex. I would like sex, but an emotional connection is just as important to me. That being said, I've had sex before and I feel like I really need it to be satisfied. I love it and I fantasize about it, and I think I would be doing myself a disservice if I entered something where I deprived myself of it. I pretty much left it with the fact that I needed to think about it. I have a feeling she didn't take it well. She came onto me REALLY strong, right from the beginning. I just kinda went with it and ended up liking her. I don't know though, I feel like not having sex or at least not even stimulating the penis/vagina with oral or whatever is a pretty important thing. Can someone help me? I don't know what to do. I really don't want to hurt her or seem like a shallow jerk. Is there some way I can convince myself to go without sex? I wish there could be, but I'm 19 and still really focused on sex. I don't understand why would you feel guilty, especially if you explained all this in a "considerate message". You have your priorities straight, and this involves making tough chouces, yes, but no need to whine. I understand that it is hard to leave an otherwise good girl behind because of this, but "this" is no minor thing. It's not just the sex. Marriage is a big enough gamble to slap on it uncertainty about sexual comparability too. Also, I find it ridiculous that she'd make out/get physical with you within a week, but then give you the no sex till marriage speech. Finally, staying with her will mean not only no sex, but also accepting upfront that the relationship is destined to marriage. Now let's quietly consider the implications of this: 1) you hang an important part of being a human on the wall because of her (and her guilt-ridden catholic upbringing ) and 2) you basically - if implicitly - agree to marry her *on her terms*. She might be great right now, but I would personally run away. Sex is a big part of your being, so basically it boils down to defacto annuling a big part of yourself just because of somebody else's religious delusions? Can she really offer you something to justify this sacrifice? If the answer is yes - then by all means - wait. If not, you know what to do. PS In other words, dump her right now and tell her to give you a call after she gets married :) :) Link to post Share on other sites
Rebellious Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 She's just testing you dude, she's had sex before and she will again soon:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
wuggle Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Why not propose to her ? Link to post Share on other sites
movingonandon Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Why not propose to her ? Haha, this made my day Call her on her bull****! Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Also consider that she might be holding off because of (obviously) very strong religious views. Those views may create even more problems for you, especially if you get married. Best to consider whether you want to be involved with a person like that at all. Religion is a deal-breaker for me. Link to post Share on other sites
RichGuy Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Why not propose to her ? That's very creative thinking, nice move wuggles! Link to post Share on other sites
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 She has stated what she wants, and you have stated what you want. Or at least, you're trying to have that conversation. She's entitled to her views, but so are you. You don't owe her friends, or anyone you know from your activity, an explanation. They can draw their own conclusions, and there's nothing you can do about that. Even if you tell the girl your reasons for not being in a sexless relationship, she could still tell her friends that you dumped her and all you want is to get laid. The bottom line is, you have needs, which are valid, and you know what you want out of a relationship. This isn't it. Link to post Share on other sites
Viking Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 While I am a person who is similar to the girl you're seeing, I also feel that if you want something and what you're doing isn't providing it, then its time to move on. I did no sex with my ex for 2 years and 8 months. She broke up with me. Anyways, you're 19, how many threads do you need to remind you that you don't need to get bogged down in anything until you're older and know where your life is going. How many years have you been in college? Trust me, there are more than enough fish in the sea for you. I am discovering this, after 6 months of being single... Link to post Share on other sites
movingonandon Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Religion is a deal-breaker for me. Yessss!!! Enough with the "moral superiority" of certain groups, somehow magically derived from their adherence to the ramblings of an old (and poorly written) Big Book. Strong religious beliefs are just an easier way to deal with the hardships of the world without relying on your own head . I greatly respect people who have independently reflected on their values and moral conduct and it has so happened that they aligh with the teachings of a certain religion - that's great. But in these *rare* cases the actual religion is just an aftgerthought. Here's a surprise: non-believers have morals and values too, so eat it ! Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Ugh that wouldn't sound much fun to me either. If you can handle it, good for you. I think she's testing you like a poster suggested, maybe she's not that serious about it and will eventually do it as more time passes by and you get to know her better. However, if she's that serious about it, then I don't blame you if you wanna dump her, intimacy is part of what makes a relationship and intercourse is involved in it, why won't anyone get turned on by it???? No I would not be able to handle that, deal breaker too. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Neither code is right or wrong, they're just different. Unfortunately, her code is usually viewed as more noble while mine is viewed as being shallow and disgusting by many. If she was just some random girl I met, this wouldn't bother me so much, but unfortunately I will continue to see her and her group all through college because we do a common activity. If I stop seeing her solely for this reason, I'll have a whole mass of girls that I know who will brand me as only being out for sex. I don't really want that. It shouldn't be anyone else's business. However, if she is classless enough to blurt it out to "a whole mass of girls", then flip the script: you can just respond with "she wanted to talk about marriage right away, and I'm not ready for that yet." I think that's the attitude you can take to calm yourself and give yourself confidence right now. Whether it's about having sex or not, you aren't ready to commit to marriage right now; no crime in that. Most of all, though, I don't want to hurt her. Please don't forget that she's the one who laid down the gauntlet, who declared the boundary. And she's entitled to that, but that doesn't oblige you to stay with her and cave to her conditions if you don't see it working for you. It was her choice to set the boundary; you are not hurting her, you are respecting the boundary, but also respecting your own needs and desires. If she's hurt, she needs to own that herself. Link to post Share on other sites
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