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Old 28th May 2008, 9:38 AM   #1
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Girlfriend kissed another man.

Please give me advice. I have been dating the girl of my dreams for over a year and we are in a serious, committed relationship. However, she is a huge flirt with other guys and it didn't bother me until she let a man kiss her when she was drunk. She confessed to it the morning after which is the right thing to do. Secondly, she felt horrible about it and was very impressed that I didn't overreact. Still, throughout the day it began to eat away at my heart and I can't eat or sleep. My first reaction is that I want to be with this girl forever and she feels the same with me. But the fact that she can do that, does that make it that she can't be that serious about me? Is it appropriate to suggest that she maybe doesn't flirt so much and especially not to be in situations with three guys, flirting while drunk on her 10 day-long vacation away from me. It drives me nuts. How do I figure if I can trust her? Now I feel like I will be worried every time she is out as we are apart a lot in a long distance relationship.
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Old 28th May 2008, 9:45 AM   #2
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This is Tough

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Originally Posted by dumah View Post
Please give me advice. I have been dating the girl of my dreams for over a year and we are in a serious, committed relationship. However, she is a huge flirt with other guys and it didn't bother me until she let a man kiss her when she was drunk. She confessed to it the morning after which is the right thing to do. Secondly, she felt horrible about it and was very impressed that I didn't overreact. Still, throughout the day it began to eat away at my heart and I can't eat or sleep. My first reaction is that I want to be with this girl forever and she feels the same with me. But the fact that she can do that, does that make it that she can't be that serious about me? Is it appropriate to suggest that she maybe doesn't flirt so much and especially not to be in situations with three guys, flirting while drunk on her 10 day-long vacation away from me. It drives me nuts. How do I figure if I can trust her? Now I feel like I will be worried every time she is out as we are apart a lot in a long distance relationship.

This is a really hard thihng to deal with. From my experiences its very very tough to get over something like this.. its going to eat at you like it happen yesterday... if you fight its going to be difficult for you not to throw it in her face..

I think it was the right thing for her to tell you about what happen... However drunk or not, Why is she kisssing other ppl.. Its really up to you whether or not you can work through this with her.

If you both really love eachother then try and work it out.... some people just dont think when they are intoxicated...

Good Luck and keep us posted
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Old 28th May 2008, 10:15 AM   #3
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10 vacation with out you...

I think she most likely f*cked him and is just dumping her guilt with this kissing story...

Sorry to be the barrier of bad news... but this is what chicks do...
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Old 28th May 2008, 12:04 PM   #4
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Sorry to be the barrier of bad news... but this is what chicks do...
No, this is what b!tches do....

My STBXW did this very same thing at her friend's birthday party and she knew the guy. She didn't tell me about it. A few months later when she was drunk again, she let the story slip to my sister in-law. She told my brother, my brother called my wife, gave her the ultimatum to either tell me about it or he would. Definitely not a good way to find out, so be thankful your girl has at least enough class to own up to her mistakes.

My X put herself in those situations all the time, and as much as she tried to assure me nothing would happen, it did. She felt it was harmless, and that shredded any trust I had left in her. This wasn't the only reason we split up, but it was definitely the first strike.

Sounds like you're willing to look past this incident and give her another chance. It will take some time to rebuild your trust. You can't dwell on it though, or it will eat you up.
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Old 28th May 2008, 12:12 PM   #5
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I am sorry if this is such a big deal to me and I appreciate the feedback. lovelorcet, I hope what you wrote is not true, because I think I would be hurt so much more if she did more than kiss him. I felt bad to do this, but I did pry for details because I thought it would help me feel better, even though my heart was going to pound out of chest when I was asking her what really happened. She said that she was being very flirtatious being drunk and probably invited the kiss. And when he kissed her she didn't stop him at first and kissed back and then eventually stopped it. She is gorgeous, but has a low self-esteem, so when other guys give her attention, she eats it up. This is really her only drawback; otherwise we really are perfect for each other. Given all this, and the fact that she confessed it to me over the phone probably only 12 hours after it happened I don't want to admit that she did more with this guy. I want to be sensitive to her feelings to and wonder how much I should pry/accuse to get the truth. I want to find the best way to work this out. OUCH.
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Old 28th May 2008, 3:03 PM   #6
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You are not going to like what I am going to say...

I have been in your shoes, it took me 6 months to get the whole truth. It sucked... But after my experience I started to realize just how widespread this behavior really is.
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Old 28th May 2008, 3:19 PM   #7
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There is not enough information here to draw a conclusion about your girlfriend.

Do you deserve a woman who would do such things as kiss another man? You sound like a nice guy, why would you want that in your life?
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Old 28th May 2008, 4:26 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by dumah View Post
Please give me advice. I have been dating the girl of my dreams for over a year and we are in a serious, committed relationship. However, she is a huge flirt with other guys and it didn't bother me until she let a man kiss her when she was drunk. She confessed to it the morning after which is the right thing to do. Secondly, she felt horrible about it and was very impressed that I didn't overreact.
She is setting you up it sounds like to me. She is conditioning you so she can get away with her flirting, and whatever else, in the future.



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Still, throughout the day it began to eat away at my heart and I can't eat or sleep. My first reaction is that I want to be with this girl forever and she feels the same with me.
Then why be all flirtatious with other guys? Sorry, there are going to be people here that say there is nothing wrong with flirting.

If I have the woman of my dreams, why would I go out, get drunk without her, and flirt with other women?
Only one reason why, because I'd want the attention of other women, therefore my woman wouldn't mean much to me when not in my presence.



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But the fact that she can do that, does that make it that she can't be that serious about me?
I'd say so. Why does she feel the need to go out and get drunk without you and flirt with other guys?


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Is it appropriate to suggest that she maybe doesn't flirt so much and especially not to be in situations with three guys, flirting while drunk on her 10 day-long vacation away from me.
10 day-long vacation without you? drunk and around other guys?

I'm not saying she cheated, but cheaters do have a habit of telling half truths to cover up a whole lie.

Example, say she cheated and did more with this guy...should could come home, tell you another guy kissed her, and she looks trustworthy because she "confessed". And then in her mind she wouldn't have done anything wrong because at least she told you something.

Again, not saying she did, but there are red flags here as far as I'm concerned.


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It drives me nuts. How do I figure if I can trust her? Now I feel like I will be worried every time she is out as we are apart a lot in a long distance relationship.
It wouldn't be out of line for you to show her that it upsets you, even gets you a little mad, that she is flirting with other guys and going out and drinking while with other guys.

Again, some will say there is nothing wrong with that, but lets talk a little common sense....someone who parties alot without their significant other, and flirts heavily while partying probably doesn't have a great track record of being faithful.
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Old 28th May 2008, 4:32 PM   #9
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She is gorgeous, but has a low self-esteem, so when other guys give her attention, she eats it up.
There is the problem. She is gorgeous and that is why you are with her.

And she eats up this attention. Sorry to say, that is the kind of person that ends up cheating. You think simple little attention boosts her ego? Hooking up with other guys will boost it even more.


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This is really her only drawback;
And that drawback would be enough for me to kick her to the curb and let her be someone elses problem. I don't care how "gorgeous" she is.


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Given all this, and the fact that she confessed it to me over the phone probably only 12 hours after it happened I don't want to admit that she did more with this guy.
Again, more than likely a half truth to cover up a whole lie


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I want to be sensitive to her feelings to and wonder how much I should pry/accuse to get the truth.
Oh no you didn't!! You want to be sensitive to the feelings of a girl that could care less how low she makes you feel by going off, partying without you, and hooking up with other guys??

She sure as hell aint sensitive to your feelings.

I know you think she is gorgeous, but you are thinking with your d!ck. Dump her...otherwise you will be facing more heartache with this fickle girl than you are experiencing now...I guarantee it.
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Old 28th May 2008, 4:55 PM   #10
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time to lay it on the line

If you truly love her then you tell her that the "flirting"has to stop & that you cannot put your trust in her anymore. I mean oyu have EVERY right to feel torn up inside.. anyone would ! It seems to me that she is very self absorbed & if you do not say it to her & let her know how it made you feel then you are basically giving her a ticket to continue that type of behavior. Also.. & i'm sorry if this sounds harsh.. but i'm sure it isn't the first time & most likely will not be the last. If she needs that much attention that she wouold openly flirt with other men & ultimatly kiss another man then she is not ready to be in a "committed " relationship. Also.. think about what actually may have happened. How many times have you made out with a girl & didn't touch her or feel her in other places.. Especially a drunk one. You don't want that & not to mention the fact that if it did go further then kissing, just think that she has brought home that guy & EVERYONE else that he has slept with, & so on, & so on.. Put a stop to it or you will only end up with much more hurt
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Old 28th May 2008, 5:23 PM   #11
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Thank you. This is all good advice, even though it puts a lump in my chest to read it. I will certainly have to pressure her to give me the whole truth even if it makes me out to sound accusatory and maybe seem like a dick. But as you have indicated, I have the right to do this. I hope that I can come to the resolution that that it was only a small kiss and nothing more happened. If I am comfortable with that we will try to repair our relationship (which was seemingly perfect before this happened-- I just want it back). Then, as you advised, I will insist that she change her way of being caught in situations. To stop the flirting. I hope that she will not want to take a vacation away from me again. She realizes her problem of low self esteem and I will insist that we work on that. I will need to feel that she is very much in love with me. I don't want to force her to beg, but in a sense, I hope she does. We will have to adjust our relationship to realize the flirting is not harmless. We were too open before and I didn't take it seriously. I didn't want to be a dick. I hope I can do this all, be firm and even show her how hurt and pissed I am, but yet not ruin our relationship. I deeply hope it is not ruined. I get the sense from most of you that it can be repaired, but I have to be very cautious from now on. She still is a great girl and many incredible attributes, such as hard-worker, intelligent, funny, and of course that intangible thing where we seem to be the only two who "get" each other. Best friends before we dated...etc. . .
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Old 28th May 2008, 5:23 PM   #12
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The girl of your dreams kisses other guys? Interesting...

If it was just a kiss, then so what? It's just a kiss. That doesn't mean very much. If she had sex, then it's time to end the relationship.

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Old 28th May 2008, 5:29 PM   #13
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The girl of your dreams kisses other guys? Interesting...

If it was just a kiss, then so what? It's just a kiss. That doesn't mean very much. If she had sex, then it's time to end the relationship.

MD
yes, it is true that this new incident makes her less of my dream girl than before. Before I thought she was perfectly faithful. But before that, she had everything I wanted. You make a good point though.
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Old 28th May 2008, 5:36 PM   #14
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Please give me advice. I have been dating the girl of my dreams for over a year and we are in a serious, committed relationship.
This "woman" is not fit to be in a stable "committed relationship ".
Dump her - she is an attention wh0re who will break your heart.
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Old 28th May 2008, 5:36 PM   #15
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How long have you two been dating?
Sorry if I missed it.
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