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My friend's comment on my appearance


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Old 1st October 2017, 11:02 AM   #31
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If he's just a friend, why do you care if he thinks you're average? I still think he's after you himself.
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Old 1st October 2017, 3:26 PM   #32
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Maybe it's not so much about wanting your friends to think you're attractive or appealing,....but admittedly it does help when they do (naturally, organically) find your good qualities and like to bring them to your attention,... But maybe it has more to do with - why have someone in your social circle who feels the need to draw attention to what they feel are your weak points or to go out of their way, uninvited, to tell you how inadequate you are.
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Old 1st October 2017, 3:33 PM   #33
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Originally Posted by No_Go View Post
Gosh, you're seriously overthinking his comment. WTH it even means to be a 'very hot' woman. I'm sure whatever it is I'm not it, and I'm still very happy with my appearance. Why? Because it's me Appearance is one of the things I never felt compelled to get external validation for, so I find it very weird you need it. You have mirror, right? You can see you have a nice body/hair/face -why do you need some random dude's approval to what you can see yourself?
Because I feel it's not right for him to judge my looks, we should be way beyond that. I was happy to have a friend for cozy jam sessions once or twice a month. This comment wasn't the first one, he's made a couple of those before. I guess I just wished that he didn't see me as some random female he feels like evaluating on a scale of attractiveness and looked at me as a soul buddy.
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Old 1st October 2017, 3:36 PM   #34
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Originally Posted by MyOphelia View Post
Maybe it's not so much about wanting your friends to think you're attractive or appealing,....but admittedly it does help when they do (naturally, organically) find your good qualities and like to bring them to your attention,... But maybe it has more to do with - why have someone in your social circle who feels the need to draw attention to what they feel are your weak points or to go out of their way, uninvited, to tell you how inadequate you are.
Exactly! Talking to friends should feel safe, a place where you, for once, aren't judged for your appearance flaws. And people like basil can call it "girly feelgood bs" all they want, I still feel like there's no need for friends to point out what they think are your weak points.
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Old 1st October 2017, 4:44 PM   #35
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Because I feel it's not right for him to judge my looks, we should be way beyond that. I was happy to have a friend for cozy jam sessions once or twice a month. This comment wasn't the first one, he's made a couple of those before. I guess I just wished that he didn't see me as some random female he feels like evaluating on a scale of attractiveness and looked at me as a soul buddy.
The next time he does it tell him this.
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Old 1st October 2017, 5:29 PM   #36
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Originally Posted by Lorenza View Post
Once again - I'm not in the clouds about my appearance.
So if your friend ever tells you about her preferences, you feel like it gives you right to criticize her appearance?
In your opening post, you asked if you were overreacting. For me, the key to figuring out our reactions to someone else is to look at their intentions. I was offering possibly insight into his intentions.

I now realise that you're sure that you're not overreacting and this post was a vent rather than a question. I'm almost impossible to offend and I forget that others are more sensitive than me. One of my best friends would be outraged by his comments and another wouldn't bat an eyelid. As you're like my first best friend, I suggest you dump him from your life. You need people who are sensitive and tactful.....and this is completely acceptable.

Good luck.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 4:10 AM   #37
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I'm annoyed at how much this thread enlarges the presumption that a woman's value is all about beauty/sex appeal. We all know how that works, accept and integrate in a certain way, but also transcend it in interactions with friends. It's important to have evolved friends, I believe.

I can't even imagine that a male friend would seriously assess/comment on a woman's looks as though he held some special entitlement to make derogatory pronouncements to put you in your place. I mean seriously, compliments are often used as social lubricant... but declaring a friend, directly to her face, unsolicited, to be just average is so crass as to be almost unbelievable!

That being said, it appears that his not-so-subtle dissing struck a nerve. I sense that there must be more going on... some underlying resentment for him, and perhaps some expectation of validation by him on your part. Are you two covertly doing the dance? Is he secretly desirous, and are you subtly rejecting or teasing him, sending him cues that you consider yourself to be out of his league?

If it's really nothing more than him being that crass, insensitive, and socially inept... it may be time to evaluate him based on that.

Last edited by salparadise; 2nd October 2017 at 4:13 AM..
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Old 2nd October 2017, 5:29 AM   #38
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Originally Posted by salparadise View Post
I'm annoyed at how much this thread enlarges the presumption that a woman's value is all about beauty/sex appeal. We all know how that works, accept and integrate in a certain way, but also transcend it in interactions with friends. It's important to have evolved friends, I believe.

I can't even imagine that a male friend would seriously assess/comment on a woman's looks as though he held some special entitlement to make derogatory pronouncements to put you in your place. I mean seriously, compliments are often used as social lubricant... but declaring a friend, directly to her face, unsolicited, to be just average is so crass as to be almost unbelievable!

That being said, it appears that his not-so-subtle dissing struck a nerve. I sense that there must be more going on... some underlying resentment for him, and perhaps some expectation of validation by him on your part. Are you two covertly doing the dance? Is he secretly desirous, and are you subtly rejecting or teasing him, sending him cues that you consider yourself to be out of his league?

If it's really nothing more than him being that crass, insensitive, and socially inept... it may be time to evaluate him based on that.
It did struck a nerve because, as I explained, I expect friendship to work differently than mating. Friendship shouldn't put significance on appearance.

I tried to open my mind a bit, by inviting men as friends into my life. For most of my adult life I didn't believe in friendship between the opposite sexes and it affected my dating behavior a lot - I have actually dissed (or maybe not dissed, but decided not to date) men due to the fact that they had female friends. I thought it's something I certainly don't want to deal with, cause such friendship isn't genuine on men's behalf. But most men do have female friends or acquaintances so I couldn't continue sticking my head in the sand and decided to try and get to know this type of friendship. And it's been going well until recently.

I feel like this incident proves me right in a way. I understand that this is just one case, but that's honestly how I feel right now, that friendship between men and women isn't genuine. But I hope I'll still experience something that will change my mind.

I don't have any resentment towards him (well expect now after all these comments lol). And he never ever acted like he is attracted to me and neither did I. We would normally meet at his studio, play music and drink beer. He's definitely not out of my league but I feel like we're in two completely different leagues because of how different we are. Not compatible for dating at all. Don't know if it makes sense, but I think we all meet people along the way, that we can't imagine having anything romantical or physical with, even though there's completely nothing wrong with them and we objectively see why others might find them attractive and we like them as people.

Well anyway, I have decided to not continue investing in this friendship and find another music buddy. This friendship feels ruined and ingenuine.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 7:53 AM   #39
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As a woman who never identified my looks as my biggest asset this is all so strange to read ( this was a shock for me when I grew up that anyone thinks that! My family will mock me to no end if I though my looks are the biggest asset of a woman - I was always told career and education are the biggest assets, and even statements like ' if you fail in life, you can get married').

What's wrong friends commenting on each other's looks? Thats why it is friendship not romance. People can openly say what they think. IDK, with my friends we make muuuuch more cruel comments to each other but no one cares exactly because they're just friends, I only care if my romantic interests like me physically.

Quote:
Originally Posted by salparadise View Post
I'm annoyed at how much this thread enlarges the presumption that a woman's value is all about beauty/sex appeal. We all know how that works, accept and integrate in a certain way, but also transcend it in interactions with friends. It's important to have evolved friends, I believe.

I can't even imagine that a male friend would seriously assess/comment on a woman's looks as though he held some special entitlement to make derogatory pronouncements to put you in your place. I mean seriously, compliments are often used as social lubricant... but declaring a friend, directly to her face, unsolicited, to be just average is so crass as to be almost unbelievable!

That being said, it appears that his not-so-subtle dissing struck a nerve. I sense that there must be more going on... some underlying resentment for him, and perhaps some expectation of validation by him on your part. Are you two covertly doing the dance? Is he secretly desirous, and are you subtly rejecting or teasing him, sending him cues that you consider yourself to be out of his league?

If it's really nothing more than him being that crass, insensitive, and socially inept... it may be time to evaluate him based on that.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 8:21 AM   #40
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If I didn't know any better, I'd suspect that he had a thing for you and it was unrequited on your end so now he's taking little pot shots here and there. He can **** off.
This is EXACTLY what I thought. There is a subset of men who do this - they just cannot handle a woman NOT wanting them, so they have to "take them down a peg."
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Old 2nd October 2017, 10:25 AM   #41
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Originally Posted by No_Go View Post
As a woman who never identified my looks as my biggest asset this is all so strange to read ( this was a shock for me when I grew up that anyone thinks that! My family will mock me to no end if I though my looks are the biggest asset of a woman - I was always told career and education are the biggest assets, and even statements like ' if you fail in life, you can get married').

What's wrong friends commenting on each other's looks? Thats why it is friendship not romance. People can openly say what they think. IDK, with my friends we make muuuuch more cruel comments to each other but no one cares exactly because they're just friends, I only care if my romantic interests like me physically.
My friendships aren't like that. Guess we're all different.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 11:13 AM   #42
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You were right to call him out on his comments. If he's making these comments to you, my guess is that he says similar to other women and ends up shooting himself in the foot. He sounds overly fixated on age and appearance; it's not about you or how you perceive your appearance.

It's one thing to ask a friend for constructive opinions on a specific subject that might be at odds with what you want to hear, and someone taking cheap shots. Some people enjoy rude banter with friends, but it's usually reciprocal and a long established dynamic. Part of being a good friend is understanding and acknowledging boundaries and comfort zones; the way you'd joke with one friend isn't necessarily how you would interact with another. Why have someone in your life who thinks that it's fine to point out perceived flaws?
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Old 2nd October 2017, 1:26 PM   #43
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Originally Posted by Lorenza View Post
My friendships aren't like that. Guess we're all different.
Oh, I guarantee all the "rise above it" would go out the window if someone gets called a hag or fat or whatever.
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