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Small World.. Do I tell her?


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 16th July 2017, 12:51 AM   #16
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Too little too late, but don't get into a fight over it. You warned her, and she told you she is an adult and perfectly capable of making her own decisions. And she is right. She hit it off with this guy, and whether he's a womanizer or not, it is her mistake to make. You warned her, now let it go.

While you're busy white-knighting, how about you tell your clod of a friend to back off this woman? You know how he is. Tell him to leave her alone and grow up and not treat women like he does. You've accepted his behavior silently, despite how despicable it is, and now it just got personal because now he's about to stomp all over someone you know and care about. Is this really someone you want to be friends with?
Oh that's a great idea. Then the guy will go tell the girl that the OP is trying to keep him from dating her and she'll further accuse the OP of trying to mess up her life and ruin her happiness. She is an adult, she already brushed off the OP's warning and said that she will be the judge of what is right for her. So now the right thing for the OP to do is step aside and let her do her thing.
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Old 16th July 2017, 1:32 AM   #17
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I think the whole texting her about the guy was a mistake and you sounded kind of like a white knight, nice guy, cock block.
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Old 16th July 2017, 1:45 AM   #18
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OP, about this, can you say what you meant about the "feeling a spark about someone" and everyone knowing how you feel about that statement? I haven't been around long enough to know, even though you are one of the posters here who I really recognize. I'm just interested to hear more.
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Old 16th July 2017, 2:58 AM   #19
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Also, Oats, I didn't mean for that post to sound harsh if it did. I can see why you would want to warn a friend about a potential pig. But the way you said it in text... I don't think that was the right way to go about it. And I also have a feeling that if she hooks up with the guy, she will probably tell him that you said that, and that is what the guy will think of you. But if you don't really care about him as a friend, then I guess it's no problem.
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Old 16th July 2017, 7:46 AM   #20
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Wow, it amazes me how people make moral equivalencies when none exist. The OP referred to the lady as his friend, the player, not. To allow your friend or anyone really to get himself/herself into a compromising position when you have information to help prevent that is simply shameful.

OP, you did the right thing. Now she will decide what she will do from here on. The 'I told you so' people are wrong to have suggested that you should have left things be. As for whether 'Anna' goes and tells this other guy, so frickin' what! He's no friend and no gentleman.
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Old 16th July 2017, 8:07 AM   #21
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Oh that's a great idea. Then the guy will go tell the girl that the OP is trying to keep him from dating her and she'll further accuse the OP of trying to mess up her life and ruin her happiness. She is an adult, she already brushed off the OP's warning and said that she will be the judge of what is right for her. So now the right thing for the OP to do is step aside and let her do her thing.
Ooooh, I didn't think about that! Yes, at this point a direct question was asked and answered, and from here going forward, it's best to back off and butt out and let these people make their own choices. The OP is going to find himself in a precarious position if guy friend talks openly about his sexual conquests and the female friend is talking openly about how great male friend is and things are going so well...yeah, this has some potential to get ugly. Hopefully male friend maintains the "code" that has been established and just doesn't discuss this aspect of his life with the OP, but the OP is kind of stuck in the middle no matter what. Not fun.
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Old 16th July 2017, 8:11 AM   #22
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Someone needs to inform Anna that the best players don't always look and act like the stereotypical player, but they are players all the same.
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Old 16th July 2017, 8:50 AM   #23
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You should have cut it off after the first two lines.

Most people will not take good advice. Let it be her problem.
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Old 16th July 2017, 9:57 AM   #24
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I contacted him last night and laid it all out for him. I let him know that I knew her, we were friends and I warned her to stay away from him. I asked him not to play games with her if he was going to see her. He was angry at first but calmed down and said that he understood where I was coming from and would stay away from her.

Then I wake up to this conversation:

Her: He told me he didn't want to see me. You contacted him, didn't you?
Me: Yup, I did. I asked him not to play games with you.
Her: Screw that. You told him to stay away from me because you're jealous.
Me: Think what you want, Anna.
Her: Stay the hell out of my personal life. You had no right to interfere! He and I could have had a good thing.
Me: I'm not doing this with you. We've known each other for two and a half decades. If you really want to believe that I'm immature enough to sabotage your love life then that's your call. I was only looking out for you because I didn't want to see you hurt.
Her: Just f-ck off, Oats.
Me: Fair enough.

I friggin' knew this was going to end up this way. Her and I have had some tension between us lately because we've been a bit flirty with one another lately. We probably would have ended up dating in the past if we had ever been in the same place and/or single at the same time. We had one awkward conversation about that a few weeks back.

Kind of funny how it ends up. I sort things out with the friend who has exceptionally questionable morals and have known for a year and a half but probably lost the friend that I have known since elementary school.

And, yes, I agree that I should have approached it more tactfully with her. I have grown weary of hearing her tell tales of heartache and woe over the last year and have tried to avoid the topic on many occasions. A part of my over-reaction was due to a conversation we had recently with regards to to what I feel are her naive and unrealistic expectations when it comes to dating. The last conversation turned into an argument. It revolved around a guy that she claimed she was physically attracted to, had a lot in common with, who treated her well but she didn't feel the "spark" because of his hair style.

Last edited by OatsAndHall; 16th July 2017 at 10:05 AM..
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Old 16th July 2017, 10:10 AM   #25
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I'm sorry to say this, but I think you've gone way too far. I would have just given your female friend a gentle warning that you understand the guy is not looking for a serious relationship and that she might want to take that into account going forward. It's really inappropriate for you to meddle with other people's dating life like that. For starters, she's not a teenager and you're not her parent. What if she just wants to have some fun with the guy (even though she has said otherwise); plus, maybe she'll be the one to "tame" the guy.
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Old 16th July 2017, 10:16 AM   #26
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I will reiterate that, although I am not as close to him as I am to her, he and I are still friends. He and I have an odd friendship because we went some seriously disturbing things when we worked together. This may be a bad analogy but he and I bond that is akin to guys that have seen combat together. That may sound like an over exaggeration and disrespectful to veterans but it's the only way I can truly describe it. He and I spent fifty hours a week being attacked by emotionally disturbed, violent teenage boys and had to watch each other's back constantly.

Like I said, he saved me from getting seriously injured by a youth. The kid buried a shard of plexi-glass into my shoulder and would have done far more damage if my friend hadn't been on the ball and dragged the kid off of me. We spent a half an hour restraining the kid that night while I bled all over the floor. The emergency support team was caught up in a riot in another unit and couldn't get to us in time.
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Old 16th July 2017, 10:49 AM   #27
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I think it was nice that you warned her. Even if she had dated him anyway, if he did play her, it would be a comfort after thae fact to know that was his modus operandi. It should have been left to the two of them at that point. Chasing him away from her was too much. Maybe they wouldve had something nice. It just wasnt your place to make sure this meeting wasnt going to happen.
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Old 16th July 2017, 11:22 AM   #28
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He and I have an odd friendship because we went some seriously disturbing things when we worked together. This may be a bad analogy but he and I bond that is akin to guys that have seen combat together.
That is probably the only reason he didn't tell you to go f yourself. You messed up a chance for these two to hook up.
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Old 16th July 2017, 11:30 AM   #29
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Originally Posted by OatsAndHall View Post
I contacted him last night and laid it all out for him. I let him know that I knew her, we were friends and I warned her to stay away from him. I asked him not to play games with her if he was going to see her. He was angry at first but calmed down and said that he understood where I was coming from and would stay away from her.

Then I wake up to this conversation:

Her: He told me he didn't want to see me. You contacted him, didn't you?
Me: Yup, I did. I asked him not to play games with you.
Her: Screw that. You told him to stay away from me because you're jealous.
Me: Think what you want, Anna.
Her: Stay the hell out of my personal life. You had no right to interfere! He and I could have had a good thing.
Me: I'm not doing this with you. We've known each other for two and a half decades. If you really want to believe that I'm immature enough to sabotage your love life then that's your call. I was only looking out for you because I didn't want to see you hurt.
Her: Just f-ck off, Oats.
Me: Fair enough.

I friggin' knew this was going to end up this way. Her and I have had some tension between us lately because we've been a bit flirty with one another lately. We probably would have ended up dating in the past if we had ever been in the same place and/or single at the same time. We had one awkward conversation about that a few weeks back.

Kind of funny how it ends up. I sort things out with the friend who has exceptionally questionable morals and have known for a year and a half but probably lost the friend that I have known since elementary school.

And, yes, I agree that I should have approached it more tactfully with her. I have grown weary of hearing her tell tales of heartache and woe over the last year and have tried to avoid the topic on many occasions. A part of my over-reaction was due to a conversation we had recently with regards to to what I feel are her naive and unrealistic expectations when it comes to dating. The last conversation turned into an argument. It revolved around a guy that she claimed she was physically attracted to, had a lot in common with, who treated her well but she didn't feel the "spark" because of his hair style.
Wow dude. You don't know when to give up.

You've now crossed a line by directly meddling in the dating lives of two consenting adults. What makes you think you know better than the two of them? What makes them wrong and you right?

I've left people like this behind in my teenage years. I can't believe you felt you had the right to interject as you did.

They could have been right for each other and gotten married. You never know which is why you don't get involved.

Now they will both hate you. Is that what you were going for?
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Old 16th July 2017, 12:09 PM   #30
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Wow dude. You don't know when to give up.

You've now crossed a line by directly meddling in the dating lives of two consenting adults. What makes you think you know better than the two of them? What makes them wrong and you right?

I've left people like this behind in my teenage years. I can't believe you felt you had the right to interject as you did.

They could have been right for each other and gotten married. You never know which is why you don't get involved.

Now they will both hate you. Is that what you were going for?
Yup, I got myself involved in a mess, against my better judgement. I didn't do so out of arrogance though; I thought I was keeping her from being hurt. I was reactive on my part as I have heard a lot about both of their dating lives over the last year and a half. She's clear that she's looking for a husband and he's clear (to everyone other than the women he dates) that he is looking to get laid.

I guess what sparked my meddling was a conversation her and I had three weeks ago. She messaged me one morning and was very upset about a date the night before. The guy had gotten handsy with her, made her feel uncomfortable and then got upset when she told him to back off. He called her a "f-cking tease" and she was seriously broken up about it.

However, it doesn't seem like I can win in this thread. If I stayed out of it, I would have been chastised for not warning her from half of the folks. Getting involved in it has resulted in the opposite from the other half.
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