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Never Trust An Addict - True or False?


Addiction & Recovery Recognizing, conquering, and coping with addictions, substance abuse & dependence.

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Old 6th November 2014, 4:05 PM   #61
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Beach, I understand your POV, I do.

I'm sorry but my mindset right now, with regard to my mother's relapse, is to not kick her when she is down.

She is going to do that to herself, because, the Xanax she managed to retrieve is almost gone and her body will begin to go into withdrawl, like it did the first time and landed her in detox/rehab. She got better, but sadly, took two steps back.

She can avoid this, if SHE chooses to. But, I will not rush the process along for her. She is going to own this, one way or the other.
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Old 6th November 2014, 4:19 PM   #62
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Ok - I see that your boundary has been eliminated for now.

Ok - let us know how it goes.

Have you been to any al anon meetings?



And I hope you know YOU aren't kicking her when she's down - it's what she is doing that's responsible for that.
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Old 6th November 2014, 7:31 PM   #63
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Divasu View Post
Beach, I understand your POV, I do.

I'm sorry but my mindset right now, with regard to my mother's relapse, is to not kick her when she is down.

She is going to do that to herself, because, the Xanax she managed to retrieve is almost gone and her body will begin to go into withdrawl, like it did the first time and landed her in detox/rehab. She got better, but sadly, took two steps back.

She can avoid this, if SHE chooses to. But, I will not rush the process along for her. She is going to own this, one way or the other.
Divasu, you are handling this just fine. Been on the other end of it and you are doing what is right for the scenario. Setting a time frame and seeking advisal. I think you are wise .
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Old 7th November 2014, 2:09 PM   #64
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Originally Posted by beach View Post
Ok - I see that your boundary has been eliminated for now.

Ok - let us know how it goes.

Have you been to any al anon meetings?



And I hope you know YOU aren't kicking her when she's down - it's what she is doing that's responsible for that.
Thanks Beach. I admit, your comments started to piss me off , and made me feel bad about myself for a bit, but, I "get" it...

Yes, I've been to al anon before, but that was years ago I had a best friend at the time who ran into a bit of trouble, but, after a bit we parted ways. I haven't spoken with her for decades.

In any event, you'll be happy to know that I recently downloaded the Codependent No More Book and I am on Part II. And, have an appointment next week with Therapist I've been speaking with. That appointment is for ME.

As for Mom, she has begun calling Addiction Psychiatrists and she has agreed to have an appointment scheduled by the end of next week.

I am not going to post in this thread for a bit, when there are more updates/progress I will post back.

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Divasu, you are handling this just fine. Been on the other end of it and you are doing what is right for the scenario. Setting a time frame and seeking advisal. I think you are wise .
Thank you Tayla. Your words are comforting. Yes, I am trying my best. I don't necessarily know if there is a "right" or "wrong" way with situations like this and I'm just trying to take it day by day.

Blessings to you both.
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Old 10th November 2014, 10:59 PM   #65
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So thought I'd provide a quick update (and thoughts).

Myself and my mother, have separate appointments with therapists this week. I'm on Chapter 9 of the Codependent No More Book.

I will also most likely be traveling to Florida over the next few weeks with my Father for some "father-daughter" time. I miss my Father a lot. I've longed for that relationship so long in my life with him, and now I have it and I can tell you, it is such a good feeling to have.

It's funny how parental roles shift through the years. My mother, who was once, my mother, my everything, no longer is. My father, who was once not a father, now is. Life is strange.

I've been more sleepy lately, whereas before I felt like I was running mechanically. I guess it all caught up with me. But, I'm feeling positive, and, I'm trying to learn how to "detach" in a healthier way. I'm not completely there yet. I'm trying to let God take over more in my life and trust that he knows what's right.

That's it for now, thank you again to everyone for lending your ears and your thoughtful advice.
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Old 26th November 2014, 2:01 AM   #66
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Hi Diva-

Checking in to see if you are taking care of yourself.

Hope things are changing for the better!

Any updates? Hugs
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Old 26th November 2014, 8:48 AM   #67
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Hi Diva-

Checking in to see if you are taking care of yourself.

Hope things are changing for the better!

Any updates? Hugs
Hi Beach,

Thanks for checking in. Well I'm in Florida on a much needed vacation. I'm in therapy for support/my stuff have a 2nd appointment when I return to my residence.

Have been doing a lot of reading in between on codependent topics and doing the written exercises. It's been very helpful.

Mom is off of Xanax, from what I know, she was a bit sick right before I left I think from withdrawals perhaps. She's continuing outpatient therapy and made an appointment with a addiction psychiatrist. My brother is with her while I'm away, I'll know more when I return home. The inpatient residence has all her paperwork and knows what to do, if her withdrawals become to much, and my brother will take her there.

For now I am enjoying time with my friends and family in Florida as I have relatives/friends here. Handling my work/job remotely in between.

And, come spring next year, I hope to help Mom relocate and on her own.

Thanks again I hope you're doing something nice and relaxing for Thanksgiving.
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Old 26th November 2014, 2:10 PM   #68
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Hi Beach,

Thanks for checking in. Well I'm in Florida on a much needed vacation. I'm in therapy for support/my stuff have a 2nd appointment when I return to my residence.

Have been doing a lot of reading in between on codependent topics and doing the written exercises. It's been very helpful.

Mom is off of Xanax, from what I know, she was a bit sick right before I left I think from withdrawals perhaps. She's continuing outpatient therapy and made an appointment with a addiction psychiatrist. My brother is with her while I'm away, I'll know more when I return home. The inpatient residence has all her paperwork and knows what to do, if her withdrawals become to much, and my brother will take her there.

For now I am enjoying time with my friends and family in Florida as I have relatives/friends here. Handling my work/job remotely in between.

And, come spring next year, I hope to help Mom relocate and on her own.

Thanks again I hope you're doing something nice and relaxing for Thanksgiving.
Thanks, I'm planning to have a great Thanksgiving! Hope you do too.


A few weeks ago you stated that for your sanity you thought you'd consider moving her by Jan but now you state spring... Why did you move that healthy boundary for yourself?



Glad Mom is doing better but this is a program of change. If everything for her changed that would be a very good thing!

Things stay the same if you don't change them... And it's best that they don't look like her past/history.


Providing her a place to stay isn't your responsibility. She's a grown woman and can ask her dr to help her figure out a new plan.

It's time you get YOUR life back and enjoy your own personal space.
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Old 26th November 2014, 2:28 PM   #69
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Divasu View Post

Never Trust An Addict - True or False?

Do you believe this to be true?

Without reading any of the context here at all, I think a better stance might be akin to the "Possession Arrow" used in basketball.


While it does make sense that one can (and even should ?) evolve to potentially trust an addict {or any such "recovering" addict - "once an addict, always an addict" - NO exceptions}, it makes more sense to have something akin to the possession arrow, which indicates firmly/clearly that upon the next transgression/relapse by the addict, you are (what is usually out the door, away from the addict for good).

It could even be said that you owe it to such addicts to keep firm consequences facing them so as to help motivate them toward the recovery which you both want for them.


... and then, when it happens, you just GO... it's OVER... you're DONE... and you never look back!!! (you're not the addict in the equation - by then it's time to prove it and GTFO!! )
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Old 26th November 2014, 2:33 PM   #70
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Divasu how is Florida treating you? I hope the sunshine is helping and that you're having fun with your friends and family. Everything you've described that you're doing for yourself and for your mom sounds very constructive. Take care of you! Have a great Thanksgiving!
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Old 26th November 2014, 2:36 PM   #71
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Is moving a possibility for you?

Maybe a new place would be a fresh start for you...?

If it's a viable option would you consider it? That could be awesome for you!!
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Old 26th November 2014, 10:05 PM   #72
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Originally Posted by beach View Post
Thanks, I'm planning to have a great Thanksgiving! Hope you do too.


A few weeks ago you stated that for your sanity you thought you'd consider moving her by Jan but now you state spring... Why did you move that healthy boundary for yourself?



Glad Mom is doing better but this is a program of change. If everything for her changed that would be a very good thing!

Things stay the same if you don't change them... And it's best that they don't look like her past/history.


Providing her a place to stay isn't your responsibility. She's a grown woman and can ask her dr to help her figure out a new plan.

It's time you get YOUR life back and enjoy your own personal space.
I am getting my life back, day by day. It's already decided where she's going to live come next year, just waiting on the housing to come through.


Quote:
Originally Posted by SincereOnlineGuy View Post
Without reading any of the context here at all, I think a better stance might be akin to the "Possession Arrow" used in basketball.


While it does make sense that one can (and even should ?) evolve to potentially trust an addict {or any such "recovering" addict - "once an addict, always an addict" - NO exceptions}, it makes more sense to have something akin to the possession arrow, which indicates firmly/clearly that upon the next transgression/relapse by the addict, you are (what is usually out the door, away from the addict for good).

It could even be said that you owe it to such addicts to keep firm consequences facing them so as to help motivate them toward the recovery which you both want for them.


... and then, when it happens, you just GO... it's OVER... you're DONE... and you never look back!!! (you're not the addict in the equation - by then it's time to prove it and GTFO!! )
Thanks. This whole thing, her living with me, is temporary. Nonetheless,
It's a horrible feeling not being able to trust a parent and having to become the parent, like this. Her coming to live with me was more so at the direction of my sister, so part of me felt like it was something I had to do, not just for my mother but the whole family. I left when I was 15 so I really wasn't around when all this stuff was going down.

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Originally Posted by writergal View Post
Divasu how is Florida treating you? I hope the sunshine is helping and that you're having fun with your friends and family. Everything you've described that you're doing for yourself and for your mom sounds very constructive. Take care of you! Have a great Thanksgiving!
It is. . Thanks. Though today was a bit rainy. Thank you for the support it means a lot. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving writergal, my song bird.

Quote:
Originally Posted by beach View Post
Is moving a possibility for you?

Maybe a new place would be a fresh start for you...?

If it's a viable option would you consider it? That could be awesome for you!!
I've considered eventually moving to Florida one day. We'll see. Thanks again, will try to update more as things progress, for now I'm putting it out of my mind and enjoying time away.
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Old 27th November 2014, 12:00 PM   #73
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Wow,

I'd not until this moment known any of the context of this at all.


While I still feel (accurate - is perhaps the right word) about the possession arrow reference, to now add to the typical scenario one which would have an offspring needing to parent their parent, gives cause for contemplation.

While it is somewhat (comforting, almost) that you left at 15, and missed most of (whatever you've described earlier)... in that it makes you slightly less emotionally/personally invested... it also might make it a touch 'easier' for you to return and apply firmer parenting techniques than you might have done if additionally impacted by having lived through all of what went on, and been more personally impacted.


IF ONLY the unpredictability that is life with an addict could be predictable, just so you could know in advance...
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Old 27th November 2014, 12:26 PM   #74
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When she's progressing in her recovery - it will look different than now.

Amends would mean she becomes capable of taking care of HERSELF and allows you peace of mind by her being predictable and responsible.

No recovery ever looks happy until the one recovering becomes proud of the hard things they accomplish/overcome. And that something no one can do FOR THEM!

When family tries to DO that FOR them - they are essentially sending the message to the one recovering: I don't believe in you/ that you can do this/I must do this for you because I know you won't. See? It sets up for failure.


It is ONLY for HER to DO. When she BECOMES proud of HERSELF she is making progress. She can't become proud of HERSELF if someone else is checking up on her/ making her appointments/asking her Dr if she's doing what's right.

She may not do it perfectly according to others - but if she's making progress to become proud of herself then she's in the right direction.

She needs room to grow. Space. And an open mind to consider suggestions from a professional that's guiding her sobriety.

It's hard, yes! But it is possible - and likely to happen when everyone gets out of her way so she can find a way that works for HER.

I hope you are all doing well! Have you read a neat book by Don Miguel Ruiz (actually two books by him are very good) the Four Agreements and the Mastery of Love. They may be very helpful especially given that you left the family early and have these "assigned meanings" about the family dynamics.

Seems all the siblings are deciding who's turn is next to care for Mom - and that's backwards. No one says you HAVE to. In fact, it's probably better if you don't (by just saying NO).

Hope all is well. Hope you read those books - I found them MORE useful than CoDependent No More!
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Old 27th November 2014, 5:29 PM   #75
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I've read this thread, and there is some good advice here. I wanted to chime in from the point of view of one who is an addict. The posters are correct when they say you shouldn't coerce your mom in to treatment. The best thing to do would be to draw the boundaries you will enforce if she continues to engage in addictive behavior. You will still love her and will be there to support her is she chooses recovery, but, until the time in which she chooses to remain sober, there will be certain boundaries drawn. It will then be up to her to decide if she is willing to engage in the addiction at the costs presented.

Truly, that is all you can do for her. Recovery is tremendously difficult and a daily battle. Some will never take that step, and it's their choice. They don't want to hurt you, but the power of addiction is so great. I can't describe it to you.

Your initial question was "Can You Trust an Addict?" You can trust an addict as much as you can trust any other person, which has to be assessed based on your experience with the person. Can you trust an addict never to relapse? The answer to that is NO. You can never trust any addict not to relapse. It's a day to day thing.
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