Insignificantdetails Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 As a kid I was good friends with a guy who then moved far away when we were 14. After that we stayed in constant contact by phone, emails, etc and considered the other to be a best friend. We confided in each other about everything and my friend sometimes expressed an attraction to me which I brushed off. As older teenagers/early 20s we got into relationships and the friendship stayed more or less as close as ever. I eventually came to see this could be considered an 'emotional affair'. We helped each other through bereavements and break ups etc and the friendship remained. Finally he moved closer to me and now had a live in girlfriend. We spent more time together again - but to my horror he had grown up and I was now attracted to him. At this stage we were also talking every other day and he was complimenting my looks and telling me how much he admired and believed in me, supported and consoled me at any hour etc. He also made some sexual suggestions, which later made me angry. I was in a very bad and vulnerable place in my life, which lead to me developing feelings. I told him about these feelings and we agreed to put distance between us. I cut contact for over a year, during which time I met my current partner. I have now been with him for over a year and consider him to be 'the one' in that I want to marry him & have children with. Now my friend and I talk about our OHs a lot, sharing holiday snaps of us together etc. It already feels much healthier. My friend recently invited me to spend the weekend at his place (including his partner too I'm sure) and I would like to. Its a friendship I want to have for decades to come. But - I assume he never told his partner about what transpired/the cutting of contact (I don't know if he did basically). Given everything that has happened previously, do you think it is possible for to have a mature and healthy friendship going forward? Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 I think have a open conversation with your friend and move forward from their. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Insignificantdetails Posted October 13, 2017 Author Share Posted October 13, 2017 I think have a open conversation with your friend and move forward from their. My problem is not knowing how much his partner does or doesn't know about me (I have not met her so far) and whether she knows I admitted some feelings/we cut contact for a while. I think I would feel a bit awkward staying in her home if she did know those things. Just thinking about it now makes me feel embarrassed! In inviting me I think perhaps he just wants to move forward and not bring up the past? Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 In my experience, unless he is really gay it feels weird. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Insignificantdetails Posted October 13, 2017 Author Share Posted October 13, 2017 In my experience, unless he is really gay it feels weird. What feels weird? Obviously he is definitely not gay. Basically we have been friends for 13 years and I want to find a way to maintain the friendship. It seems like the best way to do this is to incorporate our partners into the friendship... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 When one of you develops romantic feelings maintaining a platonic friendship is very difficult. It's still possible but you have to be extremely careful & transparent with your partners. Do not see each other alone -- double dates are fine. Avoid messaging & calling a lot. It's OK to send Holiday cards but that is about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Insignificantdetails Posted October 13, 2017 Author Share Posted October 13, 2017 When one of you develops romantic feelings maintaining a platonic friendship is very difficult. It's still possible but you have to be extremely careful & transparent with your partners. Do not see each other alone -- double dates are fine. Avoid messaging & calling a lot. It's OK to send Holiday cards but that is about it. I probably wouldn't bother if the friendship wasn't so important to me. I am very transparent with my partner - and he is far more transparent about his life with his girlfriend now too. Agree that maybe we shouldn't be alone, at least not for the time-being. I suppose we have been messaging lately. But I feel like I know the boundary now and will just let it naturally die off and catch up again later. Link to post Share on other sites
amurb Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 As a kid I was good friends with a guy who then moved far away when we were 14. After that we stayed in constant contact by phone, emails, etc and considered the other to be a best friend. We confided in each other about everything and my friend sometimes expressed an attraction to me which I brushed off. As older teenagers/early 20s we got into relationships and the friendship stayed more or less as close as ever. I eventually came to see this could be considered an 'emotional affair'. We helped each other through bereavements and break ups etc and the friendship remained. Finally he moved closer to me and now had a live in girlfriend. We spent more time together again - but to my horror he had grown up and I was now attracted to him. At this stage we were also talking every other day and he was complimenting my looks and telling me how much he admired and believed in me, supported and consoled me at any hour etc. He also made some sexual suggestions, which later made me angry. I was in a very bad and vulnerable place in my life, which lead to me developing feelings. I told him about these feelings and we agreed to put distance between us. I cut contact for over a year, during which time I met my current partner. I have now been with him for over a year and consider him to be 'the one' in that I want to marry him & have children with. Now my friend and I talk about our OHs a lot, sharing holiday snaps of us together etc. It already feels much healthier. My friend recently invited me to spend the weekend at his place (including his partner too I'm sure) and I would like to. Its a friendship I want to have for decades to come. But - I assume he never told his partner about what transpired/the cutting of contact (I don't know if he did basically). Given everything that has happened previously, do you think it is possible for to have a mature and healthy friendship going forward? It might be a good idea to discuss things with your friend and see how that goes first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 What feels weird? Obviously he is definitely not gay. Basically we have been friends for 13 years and I want to find a way to maintain the friendship. It seems like the best way to do this is to incorporate our partners into the friendship... The relationship dynamic feels weird. Usually it ends up the way this has. Because men are usually attracted to the women they approach and strike up a friendship with on some level. It's not even a platonic situation after you are romantically/physically attracted to the person. I think you need to move on from this relationship out of respect for your partner. Serious question: if he was single and expressed his desire to be with you, would you rather be with him or your partner? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Insignificantdetails Posted October 13, 2017 Author Share Posted October 13, 2017 The relationship dynamic feels weird. Usually it ends up the way this has. Because men are usually attracted to the women they approach and strike up a friendship with on some level. It's not even a platonic situation after you are romantically/physically attracted to the person. I think you need to move on from this relationship out of respect for your partner. Serious question: if he was single and expressed his desire to be with you, would you rather be with him or your partner? I would rather be with my partner. I feel romantic chemistry with him, in a way that I don't with my friend. I think he is a handsome guy but I don't go gaga over him like with my partner. I think my friend and I are too alike. My partner know and understands the situation and has expressed a desire to meet my friend. I would like to make it work if possible. Because myself and the friend are basically the same person in the opposite sex, we understand each other in a way that many other friends do not. I mean, in all these years I've had just a couple of other friends that are like that. I treasure the friendship and I feel like maybe the natural attraction just derailed me temporarily? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 Yes, that's why I don't recommend it. Your last three threads since 2013 I assume have been about this friend. Including the one about boundaries. I hate to say it is a slippery slope when you are 'friends' with someone you are attracted to, but it often is. It's hard to keep our boundaries when feelings grow and slips into and affair territory( even if it's emotional or one-sided)I wouldn't keep a guy I knew was attracted to me as a "friend" and if I ever developed romantic/sexual feelings for a guy would not keep him my friend... even if we had previously seemed so. it's been years ... I feel like it's not a temporary thing. It's sucks to lose someone, but 'friend' seems like a misnomer Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 To me it sounds like risky business. When you and your BF or when him and his GF, get into difficult phases you will both seek comfort in each other and it's when it will get dangerous. If I were with the man of my life I would not risk jeopardizing it for a 'friendship'. When I met my current BF I ended a long term friendship with a man exactly for this to not happen. I am glad I did. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 I'm sorry I went and read and your first thread about boundaries was regarding another friend. Advice still stands, though. The boundary issue is really tricky. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Insignificantdetails Posted October 13, 2017 Author Share Posted October 13, 2017 To me it sounds like risky business. When you and your BF or when him and his GF, get into difficult phases you will both seek comfort in each other and it's when it will get dangerous. If I were with the man of my life I would not risk jeopardizing it for a 'friendship'. When I met my current BF I ended a long term friendship with a man exactly for this to not happen. I am glad I did. While I observe a small risk I don't understand where the 'fire' or the real danger lies now. Whereas before we didn't really discuss our partners (especially him) we talk about them now and exchange photos from out trips. And I would going to visit both him and his partner - not just him. Furthermore, my partner and I already have our own boundary where we talk to each other about problems, before we turn to another. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 Why is this friendship SO important to you? Your desire to keep him in your life seems a bit fishy to tell you the truth. So what you were friends up to 14 years old. People change and adulthood brings on a new set of rules. Rules like your life partner is a priority over risky friendships. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovezen_30 Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 Why is this friendship SO important to you? Your desire to keep him in your life seems a bit fishy to tell you the truth. So what you were friends up to 14 years old. People change and adulthood brings on a new set of rules. Rules like your life partner is a priority over risky friendships. We've been friends since 14 - we're 26 now. How is it fishy to want to keep a good friend in my life? Because the truth is that he is the only friend that has stuck by me through thick and thin. Others have ducked out or disappeared throughout the years but he has remained. He is also still one of the most interesting and thoughtful people I know. I don't think deciding to end a friendship is a decision to take lightly. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovezen_30 Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 My partner IS my priority above all others. This would be an opportunity to spend a weekend with my friend and his partner. I probably will not see him more than once a year anyway due to distance. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 As a kid I was good friends with a guy who then moved far away when we were 14. After that we stayed in constant contact by phone, emails, etc and considered the other to be a best friend. We confided in each other about everything and my friend sometimes expressed an attraction to me which I brushed off. As older teenagers/early 20s we got into relationships and the friendship stayed more or less as close as ever. I eventually came to see this could be considered an 'emotional affair'. We helped each other through bereavements and break ups etc and the friendship remained. Finally he moved closer to me and now had a live in girlfriend. We spent more time together again - but to my horror he had grown up and I was now attracted to him. At this stage we were also talking every other day and he was complimenting my looks and telling me how much he admired and believed in me, supported and consoled me at any hour etc. He also made some sexual suggestions, which later made me angry. I was in a very bad and vulnerable place in my life, which lead to me developing feelings. I told him about these feelings and we agreed to put distance between us. You don't get to erase your past. That to me, are all signs of a risky friendship. That was ONLY a year ago! If it was 20 years ago OK! but only a year ago?? No. That wouldn't fly with me if my BF wished to keep such friendship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Insignificantdetails Posted October 13, 2017 Author Share Posted October 13, 2017 You don't get to erase your past. That to me, are all signs of a risky friendship. That was ONLY a year ago! If it was 20 years ago OK! but only a year ago?? No. That wouldn't fly with me if my BF wished to keep such friendship. Not sure if I have written the timelines out wrong! This happened about 2-3 years ago. Finding my own significant relationship has been a big factor in no longer seeing him in 'that way'. But I suppose I do need to be mindful of the risks, emotionally. Maybe I need to spend more time thinking about and examining what they are now. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 My partner IS my priority above all others. This would be an opportunity to spend a weekend with my friend and his partner. I probably will not see him more than once a year anyway due to distance. My partner IS my priority above all others. This would be an opportunity to spend a weekend with my friend and his partner. I probably will not see him more than once a year anyway due to distance. Why are there 2 screen names answering the thread?? Are you OP or another person? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 Not sure if I have written the timelines out wrong! This happened about 2-3 years ago. Finding my own significant relationship has been a big factor in no longer seeing him in 'that way'. But I suppose I do need to be mindful of the risks, emotionally. Maybe I need to spend more time thinking about and examining what they are now. You said: I cut contact for over a year, during which time I met my current partner Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 Why are there 2 screen names answering the thread?? Are you OP or another person? Oh you smart cookie!! You're right I didn't notice! They're the same poster maybe? not wanting to reveal their her past threads. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 Oh you smart cookie!! You're right I didn't notice! They're the same poster maybe? not wanting to reveal their her past threads. If it is, might be projecting therefore jealous towards her bf plus seemingly obsessed with this "friend" (going as far as to email her feelings to him when he has a gf) according to her thread history Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 If it is, might be projecting therefore jealous towards her bf plus seemingly obsessed with this "friend" (going as far as to email her feelings to him when he has a gf) according to her thread history Lovezen_30 main problem is her boyfriend maintaining secret friendship with females and exs. How ironic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
iVisa Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 In my opinion it's too risky. There was emotional affair between you. Do you want to risk a relationship with "the one" for a friend? Link to post Share on other sites
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