Heartbroken762 Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 I'm in my late 40's. I had previously been married for 18 years and divorced. My girlfriend of 7, soon to be 8 years, just told me that she cheated on me over a two year period. This would have been year 2-3 while living at my home. This happened while I was at work. Almost 5 years later this comes out. I know what I should do but now there are grandchildren involved on her side. I can't walk away from them. I just feel so betrayed and hurt. Do I throw it all away? Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 You will never be able to trust her, ever again. Do you really want to live like that? Waiting for the other shoe to drop? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 Why did she tell you since this was so long ago? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 Some people feel that they owe it to someone they love to be honest and give them a fair chance to judge. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 Talk about rocking the foundation. While I think relationship counseling is ridiculous, just break up, since you said you are attached to the grandchildren, go to counseling. She needs to work her tail off to get your trust back. No offense, but especially because she defiled your home to add insult to injury, I'd kick her to the curb. Ugh. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Larryville Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 Do I throw it all away? Hell yes, I’m sorry I have to time for shady @$$ people. You will never be able to trust her, ever again. Yup will be hard but cut her loose or else she will be living rent free in your head as long as she is in your life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 Some cases are clear cut. I don't know about this one from the information I have. The reason I asked why she told you now... If she confessed out of the blue due to guilt I'd be more inclined to work with her than if she confessed because she was about to be discovered. One way indicates remorse. The other way indicates trying to save her ass by coming clean. One of the difficulties in affair situations is being able to tell if the offender is truly remorseful or just sad about being caught. If she was in no danger of being caught and came clean, given your situation, it would be a very hard decision for me. I'd probably consider couples counseling. Trust is going to be extremely hard to rebuild. But at the same time, it's hard to throw away the relationship with her (I assume it's been good otherwise) and the relationship with the grandchildren. I don't envy your situation, brother. I'm sorry. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken762 Posted March 15, 2017 Author Share Posted March 15, 2017 She told me because she is having issues with a co worker that knows all about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Sparta Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 (edited) OP are you going to respond.? Actually we could use a little bit more information. Everyone of the posters thinks you should end the relationship, I I feel the same. There's really no way to come back from utimate betrayal, you've got to move on, you'll go nuts if you stay with her. OP if you could elaborate on your on your unfortunate situation your girlfriend turned your life upside down. Edited March 15, 2017 by Sparta Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken762 Posted March 15, 2017 Author Share Posted March 15, 2017 We met nearly 8 years ago. This was shortly after my separation from my wife of 18 years. That was a 21 year relationship, so most of my life at that time. I didn't want to be alone and came across this woman who made everything better. Months after we met I was in a Mack vs motorcycle accident. I didn't come out of that well. She took care of me during my recovery. It was around this time she moved in my house. Shortly after her young adult son moved in. He is around the same age as my son. Things seemed good or so I thought. He also lived rent free for about two years before he got a place with his girlfriend. She always seemed a little distant but I just figured that's how she was. She has a long commute to and from work and at times would pick things up at the store on her way home. I never thought anything of it because I didn't get home until 6 pm. She gets out of work at 4:30. We never fought. I was thinking all was good. Her son married. They now have two kids. One is going to be 4 the other is. I coming up on 1. The 3 year old says I'm her best friend. Every time they are over I'm sure to pay attention to her since her younger brother is getting most of the attention now. I hate the thought of possibly never seeing them again. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 Her family isn't your family and those kids are not the reason to stay with her. The only reason why she confessed is because someone found out about her cheating on you and she told you first before the other person did. Kudos to her to coming clean but if there wasn't a threat of you finding out about her cheating, she never would have told you the truth. You're not married to her and she has issues. To cheat on you while living in YOUR house, you worked and provided all the meanwhile she was doing something awful behind your back, betraying you and taking advantage of your kindness. Is she remorseful? The thing is, she got away with it, what's stopping her from cheating on you again in the future? WHY did she cheat on you? You weren't alone after your divorce, went from marriage straight into another relationship. Maybe being alone and ON your own is what will make you grow and be independent. To stay with someone because you're afraid to be alone isn't right, let alone a person who cheated on your for 2 years. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 We met nearly 8 years ago. This was shortly after my separation from my wife of 18 years. That was a 21 year relationship, so most of my life at that time. I didn't want to be alone and came across this woman who made everything better. Months after we met I was in a Mack vs motorcycle accident. I didn't come out of that well. She took care of me during my recovery. It was around this time she moved in my house. Shortly after her young adult son moved in. He is around the same age as my son. Things seemed good or so I thought. He also lived rent free for about two years before he got a place with his girlfriend. She always seemed a little distant but I just figured that's how she was. She has a long commute to and from work and at times would pick things up at the store on her way home. I never thought anything of it because I didn't get home until 6 pm. She gets out of work at 4:30. We never fought. I was thinking all was good. Her son married. They now have two kids. One is going to be 4 the other is. I coming up on 1. The 3 year old says I'm her best friend. Every time they are over I'm sure to pay attention to her since her younger brother is getting most of the attention now. I hate the thought of possibly never seeing them again. That is never a good sign that things are good. It usually means that emotional investment is less in the relationship. You dont have to cut ties with kids and grandkids.They are old enough to understand relationships.Don't stay for the kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 She told me because she is having issues with a co worker that knows all about it. Another factor toward not even trying to fix this. She didn't tell you because she felt guilty. She told you because it was about to come to light & she was doing damage control. Be very careful here. Is there any chance her son who you were kind enough to shelter would let you continue having a relationship with his kids after you & your GF break up? If so this is really a no-brainer. Keep the grandkids but ditch their grandma 6 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 This is tough. Have you yourself been completely faithful? I agree she told you because it might come out, which makes me wonder if the person who is holding this over her head may have had or want some involvement with her. I think you need to get the whole story from her. I think you should tell her you want to keep seeing the kids no matter what happens. I'm not sure how it would go if you took it to a judge, but she could probably move across the country from you and you'd never see the kids again until they were 18. So you be sure if you break up to tell both those kids how to find you and that once they're able you want to be able to visit with them. It's up to you. Obviously, the trust is gone. The circumstances she moved in sound a bit like it may have happened so quickly because of your accident. If so, maybe she didn't feel like she was bound by commitment yet but was being kind and helping you out. But you need to find out all her thinking on it before making a decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken762 Posted March 15, 2017 Author Share Posted March 15, 2017 The person she thought would spill the beans is a female co worker. The guy she cheated with (she says now it was two occasions but I can't believe anything now) is also a co worker who still has the same girlfriend he had during this. I've never met this guy. I am angry and hurt. I feel like I've thrown 8 years away. This is only my second serious relationship. The first being my 18 year marriage. It must be my fault. Feeling hopeless. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 It's not your fault. She is the one who made all these untrustworthy decisions, not you. You were a great guy, opening your home, loving her kids & now grandkids. It's not you. It's gonna hurt for a while. Now is the acute stage. You can't forgive her just to make the pain stop. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 Knock off the my fault stuff. That is just silly, and you cannot do that to yourself. I know that it can feel that way but it is not true in any way. In fact, I think everyone thinks this stuff is their fault for some reason, but it is not. It is 100% on her. And, you cannot believe anything she says, as you pointed out. She could have been banging him everyday at lunch for all you know. To make it worse, she HAD to tell because someone was going to rat her out. So where are you at with this? Have you guys really talked about it? Are you even able to yet? Keep us posted 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken762 Posted March 16, 2017 Author Share Posted March 16, 2017 Calling a truce for the night. She did say if she leaves I will never see her grandkids again because she can't trust me not to hurt them! The 3 year old knows me as grandpa and my world revolves around her. The other is too young yet. I guess I'll see what tomorrow brings. Thank you all for your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 What a horrible woman. I would think carefully about staying in a relationship with someone capable of saying those types of things and behaving that way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S_A Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 (edited) I know what I should do but now there are grandchildren involved on her side. I can't walk away from them. I just feel so betrayed and hurt. Do I throw it all away? So what? This sounds like you're fishing for a reason to stay together. She probably lose respect for you if you stay with her (she does not know it yet). You keep a certain amount of respect by being in the dark about the chesting. Now though you will look like a wet dish rag if you stay with her. Edited March 16, 2017 by S_A 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 (edited) She told me because she is having issues with a co worker that knows all about it.Another factor toward not even trying to fix this. She didn't tell you because she felt guilty. She told you because it was about to come to light & she was doing damage control. I don't disagree, but maybe this was a secret she was willing to keep until she was safe in the grave. Maybe, after whatever she did, she came to see you as a keeper. At that point, she had two options. One was to tell you and face the aftermath, while the other was to keep her mouth shut and count her lucky stars. Everything seemed ok until the falling out with her friend. This put her relationship with at risk. Think about this: her friend MIGHT tell you, so to avoid the consequence of that, she took a risk and told you herself, knowing that you'd rather hear it from her than hear it from a stranger. But did her friend actually tell you anything? I know it feels sh*tty to hear about it. But I'm going to offer that most cheating ends, it begins with somebody else, or they end it with you. Has she cheated since? Has she taken up with someone else? My gut tells me that she learned her lesson in there somewhere, and realized you're the one for her. She put everything on the line to tell you about it. Before you make any decisions, I would interrogate her, point blank, about all of it. Don't make her feel threatened or remorseful. Just have an honest discussion about it, as if you were somebody else. If she's put in 6 faithful years after 2 unfaithful years, I think she's earned at least a hearing. She clearly values you above other things. She may be terrified that a mistake in the early years will destroy everything you've built up since. Try not to be so whacked out about this. It's only sex. Read the forums, and you'll read a lot worse stories about women never letting go of the men in their affairs. There are a lot of BS's who would kill for their wives to have the attitude that your wife seems to possess. I say all this, and I rarely come out in defense of relationships infected with betrayal. Good riddance! I usually say. This time, I'm not so sure. Talk to her, and try to find out why she stayed with you at all. Just remember the reasons are not about the other guy. The reasons are why she's still hanging in there. Edited March 16, 2017 by mightycpa 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 Calling a truce for the night. She did say if she leaves I will never see her grandkids again because she can't trust me not to hurt them! The 3 year old knows me as grandpa and my world revolves around her. The other is too young yet. I guess I'll see what tomorrow brings. Thank you all for your advice. Wow, that says a lot about her and not in a good way. How she is handling this is going to tell you all you need to know about her. You'll see a side of her you didn't know existed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 Hey friend. She cheated on you for two years. Now she's blackmailing you. First of all how do you know it was just two years? How do you know she only slept with him twice? Answer is you don't. Now she uses the grand kids as a weapon. If it's me, I have her suitcases out and give her a short time limit to be gone. This isn't a relationship. It's now a stick up minus the gun. She's just using the kids as one. Get her out of there. You'll recover. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 Strange question? The time you were in your wreck where you able to have sex and did you having sex about 2 to 3 years into the relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken762 Posted March 16, 2017 Author Share Posted March 16, 2017 Yes. I wasn't extremely mobile but I could perform Link to post Share on other sites
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