Little feather Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 Hi Everyone, Do players care when you are honest with them about how wrong what they are doing is? Do they care when you completely walk away? Do they ever think about how their actions affect other people? How can they sleep with so many women at once and do they have any feelings for any of them? Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 I doubt it. If they had empathy, they wouldn't be messing around with other people's feelings. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 (edited) I guess I was a player for about a year after the breakup of a significant relationship. I would typically date about 3 women at a time. The typical involvement lasted about 6 to 8 weeks. When one started to fizzle or start wanting exclusivity I would start bringing another one into the fold. I can honestly say that I cared about all the women I actually dated during that time. I.took them on real dates, not just netflix and chill. I did not text other women when I was with them. I gave them.my full attention when I was with them. I liked them, just not enough to date them exclusively. I did not make any false promises and if a woman started jonesing for a commitment - first sign is they start wanting to take up more and more of your time- I would start asking her out less often, responding to texts slower or just tell her I'm not interested in a relationship with her depending on how demanding she was being. I had no desire to hurt anyone but I can say that I really hurt two of them. Both of them were early on in this stage of my life and were clingy types who pretty much considered us boyfriend and girlfriend from the get go. Although nothing was said, I could tell they felt that way and it was dishonest of me not to let them know where they stood. I got better at managing expectations over time and stopped leaving a trail of tears behind me. The ones that were just throwing pussy at me because they were horny, I didn't care about them any more than any other acquaintance, or friend, or random stranger. Whatever they were before we slept together, that was how I felt about them afterward. I am now good friends with some of them although we are no longer intimate. One in particular, who is perhaps my best friend these days, has a boyfriend and we are all 3 friends. I don't think he knows that we had a brief secret fling and he doesn't need to know that. It was well before him and it really was just two friends having sex. Edited January 16, 2017 by Jj66 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 Are we talking about a guy who uses deception (promises love and relationships) to bed the women he meets? Or a guy who is open and honest about seeing a number of women? The first guy won't feel bad because his moral compass is broken anyway. The second guy won't feel bad because he didn't lie to any of the girls and they knew what they were getting into. And no, of course he doesn't love them. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 Hi Everyone, Do players care when you are honest with them about how wrong what they are doing is? Do they care when you completely walk away? Do they ever think about how their actions affect other people? How can they sleep with so many women at once and do they have any feelings for any of them? Do players care when you are honest with them about how wrong what they are doing is? -- NO. Do they care when you completely walk away? -- For only about as long as it takes for them to dial the phone and call another girl. Do they ever think about how their actions affect other people? -- NO. How can they sleep with so many women at once and do they have any feelings for any of them -- Because the only care about themselves and want sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ReformedPUA Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 (edited) Is this a bunch of hypothetical or rhetorical questions OP or are you thinking of a particular guy writing this thread? Your questions are just way too vague to give any useful answers to. To many a woman, a "player" is a guy whom she had sex with but just can't get into a committed relationship, much to her dismay. Edited January 16, 2017 by ReformedPUA 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 Hi Everyone, Do players care when you are honest with them about how wrong what they are doing is? Be certain that they are use to being told what dogs they are. Do they care when you completely walk away? They expect sooner or later you will; but they will have someone else lined up way before that happens. Do they ever think about how their actions affect other people? Some might but not enough to deter them for going after new snatch. How can they sleep with so many women at once and do they have any feelings for any of them? They sleep with so many women because women make themselves available to them even though they often know beforehand that the man is a Player. These men are often charming and good looking which most women find hard to resist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Little feather Posted January 16, 2017 Author Share Posted January 16, 2017 So I have been seeing this man on and off for a year now and he has been very wishy washy about our relationship. Every time that I have pulled away he comes back. However, the other day I found out he is sleeping with several women and has been. I confronted him and he said he knows it is wrong but he also told me that he did not need anyone schooling him. I think I am the girl who has been around the longest and only cause I am stupid and I thought I saw some good in him. We were going to go to yoga together but I told him to just take me back to my car and that I no longer wanted to see him. and I meant that, I don't want to see or hear from him! I befriended him from my face book and blocked him from my phone. He has given me other excuses for why he couldn't commit but I did not know he was sleeping with and leading all these women on. I told him he was playing a dangerous game and that it was aweful. He even has one women flying her from another state for 48 hours. It seems like these women just throw themselves at him and I don't want to be one of them. I feel like I already was stupid and have been one of these women for a year now. I am hurt by it. Our kids really liked each other and I cared about him and still do but he is not a good person. I was just wondering if he cared or not or if I am already forgotten. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 So I have been seeing this man on and off for a year now and he has been very wishy washy about our relationship. Every time that I have pulled away he comes back. However, the other day I found out he is sleeping with several women and has been. I confronted him and he said he knows it is wrong but he also told me that he did not need anyone schooling him. I think I am the girl who has been around the longest and only cause I am stupid and I thought I saw some good in him. We were going to go to yoga together but I told him to just take me back to my car and that I no longer wanted to see him. and I meant that, I don't want to see or hear from him! I befriended him from my face book and blocked him from my phone. He has given me other excuses for why he couldn't commit but I did not know he was sleeping with and leading all these women on. I told him he was playing a dangerous game and that it was aweful. He even has one women flying her from another state for 48 hours. It seems like these women just throw themselves at him and I don't want to be one of them. I feel like I already was stupid and have been one of these women for a year now. I am hurt by it. Our kids really liked each other and I cared about him and still do but he is not a good person. I was just wondering if he cared or not or if I am already forgotten. This is horrible. I'm crying for you. He had your kids meet each other knowing you were just a piece? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ReformedPUA Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 (edited) FYI: The dark side of PUA exploits the fact that people tend to spend an awful lot of mental and emotional energy on someone who gives mixed signals, someone who does them wrong. Either trying to figure that person out or even trying how to get that person to come around. Its messed up about human nature but true. Anyway this guy doesn't deserve all the emotional energy you are expending on him. I am sure he thinks about you but he can't/won't change, and as he moves on he will think about you less and less. You need to move on so you van think of him less and less too. Edited January 16, 2017 by ReformedPUA 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 (edited) Wow. He's an idiot and an ass. A loathsome specimen. I never became Facebook friends with any of my lovers. If they asked I said I don't add people I am dating until I am dating them exclusively and am ready to introduce them to all my friends and my family. No way in a million years would I introduce my kids to any of them. Amazing that he did that. What an ass wipe. He doesn't give a **** about anyone. Not even his kids. It seems to me he is more of a regular old ******* opportinistic cheater than a true player. Edited January 16, 2017 by Jj66 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 Well a lot of players can write off this behavior and not feel guilty is because technically don't do anything wrong. Yes, it's screwed up to lead women on, but I think a lot of them see it as the woman's fault for allowing herself to go for it and for so long. Technically, he didn't cheat because he made no commitment to you from the beginning. Even his wishy washy behavior from the telling you that he's not totally in it. Did he tell you he wasn't seeing others and only you or monogamy? If not, then although sleeping with all those women is completely gross imo, he didn't technically cheat. No commitment, no strings, in a players mind he can do what he wants. I'm sure they do get 'feelings'for some more than others...they love what the person provides (affection, companionship, sex, love, loyalty) But they don't reciprocate or take these women seriously or care they hurt them 99% of the time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Little feather Posted January 16, 2017 Author Share Posted January 16, 2017 Thank you all for your replies and support. His daughter really adored us. We even did sleep overs and she would say she wanted us all to be a family. Her and I got pretty close. She would even call me and tell me about her day. I am not quit sure why he is doing what he is doing but he says it's because he has low self esteem and it makes him feel better about himself. For me and my kids I just need to move on and hopefully find someone who is a better person. In the meantime it has stung a little. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 Sorry to hear what happened. He sounds a weak kind of guy with no moral backbone whatsoever. He obviously doesn't think about the effects on his daughter either. You deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 Well a lot of players can write off this behavior and not feel guilty is because technically don't do anything wrong. Yes, it's screwed up to lead women on, but I think a lot of them see it as the woman's fault for allowing herself to go for it and for so long. Technically, he didn't cheat because he made no commitment to you from the beginning. Even his wishy washy behavior from the telling you that he's not totally in it. Did he tell you he wasn't seeing others and only you or monogamy? If not, then although sleeping with all those women is completely gross imo, he didn't technically cheat. No commitment, no strings, in a players mind he can do what he wants. I'm sure they do get 'feelings'for some more than others...they love what the person provides (affection, companionship, sex, love, loyalty) But they don't reciprocate or take these women seriously or care they hurt them 99% of the time. He hurt his own daughter, encouraged sleepovers and listened to her daydream aloud about them being a family. So he could get laid. Did his daughter ask for it too and she let herself believe in all this without him ever having promised such a thing, so she walked right into it and deserves whatever hurt she gets? Truly hoping there's more to this story so I don't have to go off into a corner and barf. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Thank you all for your replies and support. His daughter really adored us. We even did sleep overs and she would say she wanted us all to be a family. Her and I got pretty close. She would even call me and tell me about her day. I am not quit sure why he is doing what he is doing but he says it's because he has low self esteem and it makes him feel better about himself. For me and my kids I just need to move on and hopefully find someone who is a better person. In the meantime it has stung a little. I'm glad you're picking up the pieces and holding your head up high. You're leaving with dignity and that's the best thing. Hang in there. You have had a shock but you are doing so well and are doing the right thing: leaving. Let him sort out the rest of the damage he's done himself - you can't control that. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 This is horrible. I'm crying for you. He had your kids meet each other knowing you were just a piece? Part of me wants to feel bad. Part of me says you got taken for and used. But part of me tells me you knew this guy has access to many women. Part of me tell me you passed up a lot of decent guys and thought you hit gold. You say he has a girls flying in for 48 hours. Does he have money and is he good looking? A nice place? I have mix feelings... this guy lays out the honey and the women flock to him. Thats what a player is. A venus fly trap offers promising honey. When the flys keep coming you lose respect for them. I know a guy currently doing the same thing to women. He has been burned ao many times how can i tell him he is wrong. You said you thought you saw good in him. This is female code for... i want to tame him. Its like you knew who he was... but shocked now. I could be wrong. Players don't have feelings because they learn female behavior and use it against them. A player will never fall in love with you.. not as long as you came for the honey. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I know this is painful for you. But, if I were you, I'd analyze the development of the "relationship" so that you can kinda pinpoint some areas that could/should have been flags for you so that you can spot other guys like this in the future. I'm struggling to understand how he could "properly" pursue you when he's been so busy with other women . . . How did all this start? How often did you see each other? Was he consistent with seeing you and communicating? Did you have any conversation early on about each of your overall dating goals? Was there ever a conversation about exclusivity before or after intimacy? Were there gaps in seeing him or hearing from him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Little feather Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 No, actually he claims that he does not have a job. He lives in a little condo that is in a nice area but nothing to fancy. The girl flying in bought her own plane ticket. Trust me this man does not wine and dine women. He does not spend a lot of money on women and claims to not have a job. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Little feather Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 That is true I should have made some better choices. But at the beginning he told me he had just lost his job and he couldn't commit to a relationship because he did not feel like a man so I accepted that for a little bit. Then he would agree to be exclusive and then he would not include me in things and we would get into a minor argument and then would not be exclusive. Then he would call me and pull me back in. He even told me he loved me. There was time that we didn't talk but for the most part we talked every night and sometimes for hours. He doesn't have a job so these women some of them would come in the morning, some at night, any time of the day. Since I do have a job and I also have my kids all the time there were a lot of nights we were not together but he would call me. I guess he was also finding time to call other women. He has a lot of free time with no job. I agree with you though, I should have been smarter and saw some of the red flags and that is my fault but he also knew the type of woman I am and my morals and I guess I have not met a true player. And I should tell you guys I do take some of the blame because this was the first man I dated after my divorce and I did not have much experience. I married my ex husband at 27 and had a few decent long term relationships in college so this was all new to me. This man is 45 years old and I just didn't realize. I know I have got to be smarter next time. I was to trusting, I was lonely, I liked him and I really was hoping it would work. That is what I am guilty of. He is also 8 years older than I am and I just got schooled... I know I need to be smarter Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 That is true I should have made some better choices. But at the beginning he told me he had just lost his job and he couldn't commit to a relationship because he did not feel like a man so I accepted that for a little bit. Then he would agree to be exclusive and then he would not include me in things and we would get into a minor argument and then would not be exclusive. Then he would call me and pull me back in. He even told me he loved me. There was time that we didn't talk but for the most part we talked every night and sometimes for hours. He doesn't have a job so these women some of them would come in the morning, some at night, any time of the day. Since I do have a job and I also have my kids all the time there were a lot of nights we were not together but he would call me. I guess he was also finding time to call other women. He has a lot of free time with no job. I agree with you though, I should have been smarter and saw some of the red flags and that is my fault but he also knew the type of woman I am and my morals and I guess I have not met a true player. And I should tell you guys I do take some of the blame because this was the first man I dated after my divorce and I did not have much experience. I married my ex husband at 27 and had a few decent long term relationships in college so this was all new to me. This man is 45 years old and I just didn't realize. I know I have got to be smarter next time. I was to trusting, I was lonely, I liked him and I really was hoping it would work. That is what I am guilty of. He is also 8 years older than I am and I just got schooled... I know I need to be smarter It's not a matter of "fault". It's been a learning experience. You leave this with positivity -- you've gained experience and insight. There will be more men to date. Keep your needs and goals in the forefront of your thinking at all times and observe, communicate and don't accept less than you want and need from a man/relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Little feather Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 Thank you RedHead14 It really does help to talk to others. I am leaving this with Positivity. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 No, actually he claims that he does not have a job. He lives in a little condo that is in a nice area but nothing to fancy. The girl flying in bought her own plane ticket. Trust me this man does not wine and dine women. He does not spend a lot of money on women and claims to not have a job. He lives in a condo? Has a daughter? And no job? Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 (edited) Thank you RedHead14 It really does help to talk to others. I am leaving this with Positivity. Other posters here would tell you that I am sometimes a little harder on women who find themselves in this situation. And, lots do and sometimes for longer periods of time even. I am harder on them because of one thing usually . . . they fail to/refuse to accept and understand their role and responsibility for the situation. They harbor anger and resentment toward the man and blame them and walk away with proverbial baggage because of it. They leave with negativity. When you own, at least some of it, it actually leaves you in a better place for moving forward. When I make mistakes, I call them "learning opportunities", and be a little mad at myself, because, well, I can't stay mad at myself for very long This man is a confused person and will likely find himself to be very lonely and alone at some point and regretting his life choices. Be the strong, independent, secure woman you are and keep focusing on YOU and your kids now. You owe them a mother who is focused and sets an example for them. Focus on all you have, not what you don't have and be happy you did figure him out when you did. Edited January 17, 2017 by Redhead14 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 He lives in a condo? Has a daughter? And no job? Must be the most charming mother****er the gods ever created 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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