Is it just me?

[spiderowl]

Hi, well this is a bit awkward but I'd like to get an idea of whether I am unusual in this or not. I am in my 50s so I have been married, have experience of life and dating. I'm not naive (just a bit of background there!).

 

I am on an online dating site and have been for a while. I was hoping to meet someone for a relationship - a full relationship (friendship, affection, romance, passion, sensuality, sex). But I keep hitting the same problem. At some point, the guy starts to focus on the physical side of things, asking about my body ('are you curvy?', that kind of thing), asking for photos or skype, or trying to get me to be more flirtatious. I don't have body photos because I just don't want to emphasise that part of myself. I want to get to know a guy as a person first.

 

Guys test the waters with flirting and stuff, which is OK up to a point but they can get quite direct and I find it embarrassing. I usually try to avoid such conversations and, if I feel the guy is disrespectful, eventually get rid of him.

 

I keep hitting similar problems with guys that sound nice initially. I find it hard to handle this with humour, which seems the best way to deal with it. Instead, if a guy starts asking about my body, I start to feel annoyed and then angry. I try not to overreact, just hint I'm not going to go there, but they usually push it again on a different occasion. At this point, I usually just feel it's all hopeless, that they are going to keep pushing the point and are just like all the rest, and I give up on them and tell them it's not going to work. Presumably they think I'm crazy or something.

 

I imagine that guys are just trying to find out if I'm attracted to them and interested in a sexual relationship ultimately. They don't want to be 'friend-zoned'. However, I feel disrespected and hurt and angry that I have to 'dump' the guy who I felt sounded nice initially. It's not that I don't want a sexual relationship with the right guy, I really do. This is all incredibly frustrating for me.

 

I don't know why I feel so angry with this behaviour when others might find it amusing or even exciting. I think it goes back to my father's attitude which was to react as though if I even looked at a boy I was being promiscuous in some way.

 

Also, when I was young, I was fairly well developed and had a great figure. I got a lot of comments from boys/men while out and about and basically got pestered by strangers. (At that time, the idea of 'sexual harrassment' was pretty much unheard of so guys behaved in ways that would be frowned on now.) I found the comments embarrassing, intrusive and disrespectful. I started avoiding guys because of this and because I never knew when I was going to get approached by a stranger on a bus, train, street or cafe. I had to be careful not to catch anyone's eye. I felt very vulnerable and at times threatened if no-one else was around.

 

I know past feelings shouldn't affect me now, but I really don't know what a normal reaction would be any more. I just know it's not working for me and I keep kicking guys away who might turn out to be decent but are scared they might be friend-zoned.

 

Really, how do other women react? I know guys will probably say my reaction is extreme but do women think so too?

Edited February 2, 2016 by spiderowl

[preraph]

I never used OLD but I did end up in a LDR once that went on for 3 years. He eventually started pressing as well, which was weird because we talked openly about our past and all that. So it's not like he had no way of knowing if I'd be sexual...when he started trying to encourage sexting emails, I just told him "Only one way to find out, Cowboy," and that all that was for in person. Meanwhile he was a semi-celeb, so he had all kinds of trollops sending him boob photos. But sorry. To me, that's for in person.

 

You cannot tell if there is really anything there until you are face to face. It's too easy to build them up in your mind with what you hope is there. I think most of those guys are already imagining you with double D's and are going to be let down in person, but it's their own fault for trying to sex over social media. These men trying to get a "guarantee" of sex or asking someone they've never taken out to talk dirty so they can get themselves off, not my problem. It's just awfully presumptuous to ask a woman to show her most private parts of herself who you haven't even met. And women who do it are suckers.

[bachdude]

So I assume you are posting just head shots of yourself? Maybe some of them just want a basic idea of your body type (not necessarily sexy photos or nude). But I may be naive. A body shot doesn't mean it has to be revealing. And asking to skype doesn't mean it has to be something sexual. These sites are for those looking for a romantic relationship, not just a friendship, so attraction is important.

[zanwalk]

Unfortunately, and speaking as a male here, the majority of guys on dating sites seem to be looking for short term hook ups and are pretty up front and rude in the way they go about it. Sex shouldn't even be mentioned in early conversations if you are looking for a serious relationship, the most important thing is how you bond with the other person, if everything is good there the sex will normally be a natural progression.

 

Your body type shouldn't really matter, other than if you were extremely obese or suffered from a disfiguring disability in some way. I think then it would be appropriate to inform the other party early on.

 

There are good guys out there and on dating sites, it is just so difficult to sift those out from the junk. Just my take on it from a male point of view!

 

And no, I don't think your view is extreme, it would be normal in a decent woman, certainly it would be in one I looked for anyway.

Edited February 2, 2016 by zanwalk

[PegNosePete]

At some point, the guy starts to focus on the physical side of things, asking about my body ('are you curvy?', that kind of thing), asking for photos or skype, or trying to get me to be more flirtatious. I don't have body photos because I just don't want to emphasise that part of myself. I want to get to know a guy as a person first.

Well, to be honest, seems like you're doing OLD wrong.

 

You need full body photos. Guys need to know what they're getting into here. Many put "a few pounds extra" and "a few" turns out to be 300. By being so evasive, you're giving the impression that you have something to hide. It's much more attractive to be confident and smile than to hide yourself away.

 

Also it sounds like you're spending too much time to "get to know" them online. The OLD site should only last a couple of days at most, then you should progress to a phone call and RL meeting preferably within a week of first contact. If you're spending too much time exchanging messages then you're simply wasting time. Nobody is there for a pen pal.

 

Yes if a guy is disrespectful then of course don't reply again. You don't have to try to avoid such conversations. If he says something inappropriate, block and move on immediately.

 

They don't want to be 'friend-zoned'. However, I feel disrespected and hurt and angry that I have to 'dump' the guy who I felt sounded nice initially.

Well, if you put up a full body photo then you would be able to tell the idiots from the nice guys a lot easier. They can see your body shape. If they continue to ask about it or ask for more photos, they are obviously a douche so "next" them. If they are good guys they don't need to ask these things because they can already see.

Edited February 2, 2016 by PegNosePete

[Toodaloo]

Nope its not just you.

 

What I do is I ignore the ones who get sexual fast. I also try to meet them quickly (within a week or so) to find out if there is a "spark" or not.

 

If I get lots being overly sexual (these things seem to go in cycles) then I juts deactivate my account and take a break from it all.

[big dog]

This may sound a little crude but those online dating sites are generally bad news. Any weirdo can post an add saying and being whoever they want to seem to be. Best to stay away from 'em altogether. Secondly, I know men that do regularly use 'em. It's generally thought of as an easy way to meet women that have low self esteem or are considered to have little self respect and therefore may be much easier when it comes to the sex thing. So that's what a great many men expect. It's just been my observance from listening to men in general. take it for what you will.....

[spiderowl]

Thanks, maybe I'll post a body shot (clothed of course!) and that will resolve things. Though I am not happy with the calibre of guy on the dating site. Many are not capable of holding a conversation. It's dispiriting. People are so much nicer and more respectful in real life.

[bigbaby]

In person, you get to see what someone looks like right away, along with other cues about them such as socioeconomic/education level, basic behavior, typical sobriety level, etc. Those who people wouldn't be interested in are ruled out without having to waste anyone's time getting to know strangers who you/they already know aren't what you like.

 

 

Online, all that can only be approximated by photos, etc. Why would anyone waste much time getting to know someone without that basic introduction when there are zillions more who offer it upfront?

 

 

I wonder if you are drawing more than your share of pervos with this approach because men who are the more eligible keepers get enough notice that they don't need to bother playing guessing games?

 

 

Disclaimer: I've been married for a hundred years so I have no idea what I'm yammering on about.

[BetrayedH]

Good guys want to have sex, too. And as someone else on here said, they're on the site to find a romantic partner, not a friendship. What is surprising about the conversation eventually coming around to sex? Sexual compatibility is important. Physical attraction and chemistry is important. I would guess that you're coming across as avoidant, if not altogether averse.

 

I also think it's generally expected for the man to initiate such things. We're supposed to put ourselves out there. If I had a suggestion, it would probably be to go ahead and engage in the conversation (communicate that you require a relationship before any sex talk) rather than making evasive or joking comments. Some clear communication might allow one of these good guys to feel like they can slow down on initiating sex without you thinking less of him as a man.

[PegNosePete]

Though I am not happy with the calibre of guy on the dating site. Many are not capable of holding a conversation.

You need to be more picky on who you message/respond to. If their profile is blank or illiterate or terrible, don't respond. Only respond if their profile is well written and interesting and you feel you could be a good match. Otherwise you're just wasting your time.

[Httm]

Thanks, maybe I'll post a body shot (clothed of course!) and that will resolve things. Though I am not happy with the calibre of guy on the dating site. Many are not capable of holding a conversation. It's dispiriting. People are so much nicer and more respectful in real life.

 

I'd never message anyone without at least one full body shot. Sooo many liars out there. Once went out with a woman who labelled herself as "thin" and was over 60 pounds overweight... Even though I am 6 feet and she was 5"2, she weighed well more than me. I wouldn't ever waste my time without a full body picture.

 

The fact that you are getting ANY messages is astonishing and shows how skewed online dating is towards women. It is up to you whether you want to take advantage of just how easy it is for women in online dating. It is naive to think that anyone should spend time and energy when you can't even be bothered to properly represent yourself.

Edited February 4, 2016 by Httm

[PegNosePete]

The fact that you are getting ANY messages is astonishing

Not really, there are many guys who carpet-bomb for sex without even looking at the photos or reading the profile. If a woman has a bad profile/photos then she will only get this kind of message, and will be just as frustrated as the guys who never get responses.

 

[]

 

Sure, women get lots more messages, but they don't get all that many quality messages. Many, many women complain that they only get messages from idiot guys looking for one night stands or making sexual comments. If you measure success by number of messages received then yeah, women have it easy, but what good does a full inbox do if none of them are any good? But if you measure success by number of messages from quality matches that you'd be interested in meeting, then it's equally difficult for both genders.

Edited February 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[spiderowl]

Good guys want to have sex, too. And as someone else on here said, they're on the site to find a romantic partner, not a friendship. What is surprising about the conversation eventually coming around to sex? Sexual compatibility is important. Physical attraction and chemistry is important. I would guess that you're coming across as avoidant, if not altogether averse.

 

I also think it's generally expected for the man to initiate such things. We're supposed to put ourselves out there. If I had a suggestion, it would probably be to go ahead and engage in the conversation (communicate that you require a relationship before any sex talk) rather than making evasive or joking comments. Some clear communication might allow one of these good guys to feel like they can slow down on initiating sex without you thinking less of him as a man.

 

I think you are right. I agree that a guy is likely to bring the subject up and it is important to me too that things will lead that way, but I have found myself chatting to people who really don't want to talk about anything else. I dropped a guy recently because although we were exchanging messages, he made little effort to converse unless it was about sex. It was like chatting to a dull person. He was too focused and not really interested in anything else, despite saying he was. Maybe guys on dating sites are mostly not capable of relating.

[spiderowl]

I'd never message anyone without at least one full body shot. Sooo many liars out there. Once went out with a woman who labelled herself as "thin" and was over 60 pounds overweight... Even though I am 6 feet and she was 5"2, she weighed well more than me. I wouldn't ever waste my time without a full body picture.

 

The fact that you are getting ANY messages is astonishing and shows how skewed online dating is towards women. It is up to you whether you want to take advantage of just how easy it is for women in online dating. It is naive to think that anyone should spend time and energy when you can't even be bothered to properly represent yourself.

 

I'm surprised you think someone is misrepresenting themselves because they don't want guys looking them over on a dating site. I don't assume a guy is misrepresenting himself if he doesn't have a full body picture. I don't have to meet him if I don't want to or if I suspect I wouldn't like his body. Some guys go online just to look at pictures and try to collect them. They ask you to send more, no matter what you've got there. They just have a thing about pictures.

 

It's clear you wouldn't bother messaging anyone without seeing their body but not everyone is like that.

Edited February 4, 2016 by spiderowl

[angel.eyes]

Put up several full body shots, and it will drastically change who messages you!

 

Like it or not, women who choose to only post headshots, claiming they want guys to get to know them first, invariably are less than satisfied with their physical appearance. Whatever your reasons for hiding your body but not your face, you're doing yourself a huge disservice with this approach. As long as you continue to hide behind headshots, you will make the physical front and center of any exchange or interaction.

 

Fact:

Physical appearance is important in dating.

 

People (especially those with options) want to ascertain that the person they're speaking with meets some basic baseline before they invest in getting to know the person in depth. It doesn't mean they're looking for a goddess or are only interested in a one night stand. The guys I met through OLD were all looking for relationships. My OLD profile gave them a very good idea of who I was and what I was seeking. Because I was crystal clear about myself, I got a lot of guys who matched what I wanted.

[angel.eyes]

It's clear you wouldn't bother messaging anyone without seeing their body but not everyone is like that.

A majority of men won't message you without body shots. Again, you're shooting yourself in the foot by not being transparent about who you are.

[spiderowl]

A majority of men won't message you without body shots. Again, you're shooting yourself in the foot by not being transparent about who you are.

 

I don't know about a majority but quite a few do.

[angel.eyes]

As I recall, the ratio is something like only 1:6 men will consider messaging someone without body shots. Guess who tends to be in that subset?

[SwordofFlame]

I don't message women that don't have full body pictures. Yes I'm one of those shallow guys that won't date overweight women.

[PegNosePete]

I don't know about a majority but quite a few do.

Yes, and you can see which ones. The ones who want to talk about sex...

 

As I recall, the ratio is something like only 1:6 men will consider messaging someone without body shots. Guess who tends to be in that subset?

Exactly. The guys who don't even look at the photos or read the profile before sending a generic, copy/paste, sexual innuendo laden carpet bomb.

 

Which is exactly what you're experiencing, OP. You're putting off the good guys, so you're left with just the sex pests to chat to.

 

I don't message women that don't have full body pictures. Yes I'm one of those shallow guys that won't date overweight women.

For me it's more about self confidence than weight. If someone is proud of who they are then they have no problem putting up body shots. If someone does not, then they are not happy with who they are. That is much more of a red flag to me than a few extra pounds.

Edited February 5, 2016 by PegNosePete

[Httm]

Not really, there are many guys who carpet-bomb for sex without even looking at the photos or reading the profile. If a woman has a bad profile/photos then she will only get this kind of message, and will be just as frustrated as the guys who never get responses.

 

[]

 

Sure, women get lots more messages, but they don't get all that many quality messages. Many, many women complain that they only get messages from idiot guys looking for one night stands or making sexual comments. If you measure success by number of messages received then yeah, women have it easy, but what good does a full inbox do if none of them are any good? But if you measure success by number of messages from quality matches that you'd be interested in meeting, then it's equally difficult for both genders.

 

Someone who gets 10 messages a day, "quality" or not, has more opportunities than someone who gets zero a month. And "quality" is a problem men have with old. It is not just a woman problem. The difference is that women have nearly everyone alto try with. Men have to work. Hell, OP is proof of that. Doesn't even have a body shot and still gets messages!

 

 

[]

Edited February 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[PegNosePete]

Hell, OP is proof of that.

On the contrary. OP is proof of my point. She gets messages, but felts that finding someone suitable is so difficult for her that she needed to create this thread asking for help.

 

People have made profiles showing a cute girl, with broken sentences, hints of drunk driving and fleeing the scene, etc, and still get inundated with messages.

Yes, like I said, any woman whether she has pics or not, no matter how terrible the profile, gets carpet bombed with sexual invitations. This is not in dispute.

Edited February 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[road]

Hi, well this is a bit awkward but I'd like to get an idea of whether I am unusual in this or not. I am in my 50s so I have been married, have experience of life and dating. I'm not naive (just a bit of background there!).

 

I am on an online dating site and have been for a while. I was hoping to meet someone for a relationship - a full relationship (friendship, affection, romance, passion, sensuality, sex). But I keep hitting the same problem. At some point, the guy starts to focus on the physical side of things, asking about my body ('are you curvy?', that kind of thing), asking for photos or skype, or trying to get me to be more flirtatious. I don't have body photos because I just don't want to emphasise that part of myself. I want to get to know a guy as a person first.

 

Guys test the waters with flirting and stuff, which is OK up to a point but they can get quite direct and I find it embarrassing. I usually try to avoid such conversations and, if I feel the guy is disrespectful, eventually get rid of him.

 

I keep hitting similar problems with guys that sound nice initially. I find it hard to handle this with humour, which seems the best way to deal with it. Instead, if a guy starts asking about my body, I start to feel annoyed and then angry. I try not to overreact, just hint I'm not going to go there, but they usually push it again on a different occasion. At this point, I usually just feel it's all hopeless, that they are going to keep pushing the point and are just like all the rest, and I give up on them and tell them it's not going to work. Presumably they think I'm crazy or something.

 

I imagine that guys are just trying to find out if I'm attracted to them and interested in a sexual relationship ultimately. They don't want to be 'friend-zoned'. However, I feel disrespected and hurt and angry that I have to 'dump' the guy who I felt sounded nice initially. It's not that I don't want a sexual relationship with the right guy, I really do. This is all incredibly frustrating for me.

 

I don't know why I feel so angry with this behaviour when others might find it amusing or even exciting. I think it goes back to my father's attitude which was to react as though if I even looked at a boy I was being promiscuous in some way.

 

Also, when I was young, I was fairly well developed and had a great figure. I got a lot of comments from boys/men while out and about and basically got pestered by strangers. (At that time, the idea of 'sexual harrassment' was pretty much unheard of so guys behaved in ways that would be frowned on now.) I found the comments embarrassing, intrusive and disrespectful. I started avoiding guys because of this and because I never knew when I was going to get approached by a stranger on a bus, train, street or cafe. I had to be careful not to catch anyone's eye. I felt very vulnerable and at times threatened if no-one else was around.

 

I know past feelings shouldn't affect me now, but I really don't know what a normal reaction would be any more. I just know it's not working for me and I keep kicking guys away who might turn out to be decent but are scared they might be friend-zoned.

 

Really, how do other women react? I know guys will probably say my reaction is extreme but do women think so too?

 

 

Problem is I do not want and most men do not want women that wear dresses from the Couture House of Moo Moo.

 

 

In short men are visual. We can like a woman as a person, but if we do not like what we see we will not want to date her.

[elaine567]

Also, when I was young, I was fairly well developed and had a great figure. I got a lot of comments from boys/men while out and about and basically got pestered by strangers. (At that time, the idea of 'sexual harrassment' was pretty much unheard of so guys behaved in ways that would be frowned on now.) I found the comments embarrassing, intrusive and disrespectful. I started avoiding guys because of this and because I never knew when I was going to get approached by a stranger on a bus, train, street or cafe. I had to be careful not to catch anyone's eye. I felt very vulnerable and at times threatened if no-one else was around.

 

Unfortunately those same men are now trawling OLD, with their old fashioned views intact...