Innocent Lie Ruined Relationship

[Otter2569]

First of all I am really not a lier but I did and I got caught because I suck at it and turned myself in. How mad would you be:

 

Spent a few days with my GF and her family. We hardly slept and we were both exhausted. Shortly before leaving to go pick up my kids for the weekend they texted and asked if they could stay with their mom. Feeling wiped out I left pretending to pick them up but really spent a quiet night at home relaxing in front of the tv. On the way out GF says "dont take this wrong but im glad you are leaving, I am so tired and need to get some sleep"

 

Long story short she called a few hours later asked how the kids were doing. i said fine then a few minutes later ratted myself out. She is furious and is calling off our relationship because I am a lyer and lying is a deal breaker for her.

 

Thoughts on this?

[veggirl]

You obviously should've been up front and honest, and just said you needed time to yourself....that being said, no this wouldn't make me end a whole otherwise good relationship.

[lollipopspot]

I wouldn't end it (unless there were other things wrong with the relationship) but I would need you to commit to being honest.

[salparadise]

Anybody who makes a big issue over something inconsequential is shooting themselves in the foot. Lots of times we give short explanations that omit some of the facts or contingencies, or could otherwise be construed as less than the whole truth. Everybody does it to one degree or another. It's only when a person is fundamentally disingenuous about significant things that most people would even notice.

 

Not sure about the exact wording, but... when she asked how the kids were doing and you said fine, that doesn't necessarily conflict with you having decided to let them stay with their mother. They could be with her and doing fine, right?

 

If your gf is obsessed with this kind of stuff then it's just a matter of time before she finds some discrepancy between words and facts, and the result would be the same. I wouldn't be able to take the stress. You may have dodged one here. I know it hurts regardless- condolences.

[AspenBaldwin]

She probably thought you were cheating on her hence the extreme reaction.

[sandylee1]

Sometimes people think that if you can lie about little stuff for no reason... you can lie about the big stuff and you might be hiding something more. Otherwise why lie.

 

Lying is a big deal for many people.. One guy got dumped because he said he hadn't eaten..but his GF found a receipt for food in his jacket. Seems so little right?

 

Was everything else going great? Or was this just an excuse?

[PrettyEmily77]

If for whatever reason she has problems trusting people (if for instance she has been lied to a lot in the past), the slightest misrepresentation of the truth could trigger a bad reaction - talking it through with her would help, if you're both willing, IMO.

Edited November 28, 2015 by PrettyEmily77

[Under The Radar]

Nobody is perfect (I know, let's all gasp at once ) and everybody lies (including superman - please reference the last 10 minutes of superman 2 circa 1980).

 

Yes, everybody lies at some point in their life. There are lies of commission, lies of omission, and at times we even lie to ourselves (some of us do this quite often).

 

I always smile when someone says they NEVER lie because I know they are lying by making such a declarative statement.

 

I'd be concerned with how someone lies and are they lying about important things that would substantially impact our relationship.

 

I'd be inclined to give someone a pass if they lie infrequently about low level **** (as opposed to high level **** like cheating).

 

Ultimately you fully disclosed taking the night off without the kids to your girlfriend ...... you did lie, but came clean in the end.

 

I'd be more curious to know why someone is lying about something seemingly innocuous?

 

However, it wouldn't be an instant deal breaker for me.

[MissBee]

I would be disappointed that you couldn't just say you wanted time for yourself and instead had to pretend you were picking up your kids. As another poster mentioned, this may lead to more suspicion that you're not really picking up the kids neither are you tired but maybe you're with another woman.

 

Sure, we all omit or tell white lies but I would say pretending to go pick your kids up isn't the same as an ordinary white lie, it does seem to go beyond that, where you're falsifying your whereabouts and that's probably the part that she couldn't deal with where it makes her distrustful now if you say you're going somewhere...it's like are you really going there or what are you doing?

 

I wouldn't necessarily end the relationship, depending on other things, but the problem with this particular lie is that it resembles the lies cheaters tell, i.e. making up where they're going, who they're with, using their kids as an excuse and alibi etc. That's touchy for a lot of people esp if they've experienced infidelity before, cheaters usually tell all kinds of small and big lies and make you doubt your sanity when you question it, so if she's experienced that before that may also make her more likely to be intolerant of situations where a partner is lying about his whereabouts/who he's with/what he's doing. I hope you can work it out and I think next time you should just be frank about what you're doing.

Edited November 29, 2015 by MissBee

[Wewon]

Sometimes people think that if you can lie about little stuff for no reason... you can lie about the big stuff and you might be hiding something more. Otherwise why lie.

 

Lying is a big deal for many people.. One guy got dumped because he said he hadn't eaten..but his GF found a receipt for food in his jacket. Seems so little right?

 

Was everything else going great? Or was this just an excuse?

 

Exactly.

 

Like I said in the other thread, its usually the little, inconsequential lies that freak people out the most. To not get that actually misses the point. You don't have to be hiding a body in the basement in order for a lie to be destructive. The real problem is that people that trust you the most have to start considering everything you say and weigh it for lies, I can see that bothering people.

 

That being said, I'm not condoning a wild over reaction either, just pointing out the fact that people, as a general rule, don't like to be lied to.

[Divasu]

To be frank, I'm very aware of what sounds like what you are going through.

 

First off, do not beat yourself up over it (it's not your fault).

 

I mourned a short relationship for several years, it started off slow but became too intense for either of us to handle.

 

Not sure about him, but I cried for about 5-6 years (not all the time of course), but up until very recently I have learned to stop my emotions without being overwhelmed (but again, I am still learning).

 

It is crucial that whenever you feel this way, throw the romantic notions aside and return to a state of friendship. That doesn't mean you have to disregard your more 'intimate' feelings...but, find ways to get them under control so that they are more logical (which, I am sure you already know).

[TunaCat]

It wouldn't be the lie itself that would bother me, but the fact that you used your kids as a pawn in your lie. That would really bother me.

 

What you should have said was "Kids have decided to stay with their mom tonight so I am going to take this night for myself and just relax."

 

Instead you chose to lie & use your kids in the lie.

[Divasu]

No, it doesn't matter. As individuals, we answer to no one except who we choose to answer to (good, or bad) as reflected in our lives.

 

It's a form of survival, and there is no wrong, no right.

 

But, if I new in my heart of hearts that I did that right thing and I was still being punished - it would push me further away.

 

Having said that, I know what I know and that's all that matters, for me...

[MissBee]

No, it doesn't matter. As individuals, we answer to no one except who we choose to answer to (good, or bad) as reflected in our lives.

 

It's a form of survival, and there is no wrong, no right.

 

But, if I new in my heart of hearts that I did that right thing and I was still being punished - it would push me further away.

 

Having said that, I know what I know and that's all that matters, for me...

 

In relationships this is a self-centered attitude though.

 

In relationships you've decided to be partnered with someone else. Which means that it's not every man/woman for him/herself and you just do whatever you want and answer to no one as long as you think you're right.

 

In relationships you communicate, you think about how your actions affect others and if you hurt them, even if you THINK you're right (as intentions don't always pan out and ALL of us will hurt people inadvertently) you apologize and try to work through it. You don't say "Well I answer to no one, don't care how it affected you, as long as I feel right." That kind of attitude would turn me off personally. It has in the past too. People who did things that hurt me and then got upset that I was hurt or thought me voicing my hurt was "punishing them" instead of coming at it from a place of wow, I didn't intend to hurt you, how can we work it out.

 

The OP said his lie was "innocent" but it's not for him to decide. Who your lie affects is who gets to decide and ultimately are you more interested in proving your "innocence" and defending your actions that hurt another or in actually understanding and trying to work it out. He lied. It's silly IMO that he should get to feel like the victim in the scenario. Lies erode trust and you can't dictate how someone should feel about your lie...as I and others mentioned maybe a lot goes into why she reacted this way, esp if you've experienced infidelity or other betrayal before then your measure of what lies matter and don't may be different from someone else who hasn't. The point is, the person who lied, do they care about fixing it or arguing that the person shouldn't be mad? However, we all get to decide what works for us and what doesn't so this may be the time for them to do this.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Otter, in my opinion it's great that you came clean. That said, in your place I'd look at this as an opportunity to grow. Your relationship with yourself is more important than your relationship with your gf, though I can imagine fixing this with your gf is weighing heavily on your mind right now.

 

But first, I would ask myself why I didn't just tell the truth in the first place. Get real with yourself about it and figure out why you didn't. If you can't come up with a reason, it could be that you haven't learned to value the truth, or haven't realized how important it is in a relationship.

 

The trouble with small lies is that they are part of a mindset of not having learned the value of truth in intimacy. Because the more honest you are in a relationship the more opportunity for intimacy there is.

 

Yes, all of us have lied, but many of us are wanting our characters and integrity to be strong and part of that is offering the truth, first to ourselves, and also to others.

 

It seems to me you've admitted to yourself that you blew it and that's a great first step. In your place I'd admit to the gf you blew it, don't be defensive and let her know you want to grow through this by placing a priority on telling the truth even in small things.

 

A person who is known for telling the truth is a person who can be counted on (trusted).

 

If you want to grow through this, chances are your gf will give you another opportunity to prove yourself.

[Snaggletooth]

First of all I am really not a lier but I did and I got caught because I suck at it and turned myself in. How mad would you be:

 

Spent a few days with my GF and her family. We hardly slept and we were both exhausted. Shortly before leaving to go pick up my kids for the weekend they texted and asked if they could stay with their mom. Feeling wiped out I left pretending to pick them up but really spent a quiet night at home relaxing in front of the tv. On the way out GF says "dont take this wrong but im glad you are leaving, I am so tired and need to get some sleep"

 

Long story short she called a few hours later asked how the kids were doing. i said fine then a few minutes later ratted myself out. She is furious and is calling off our relationship because I am a lyer and lying is a deal breaker for her.

 

Thoughts on this?

 

Own it. Apologise, sincerely. You f*cked up. Make no excuses. Don't grovel. Give her some space. She is tired. She needs sleep. She's emotional and upset. You stay calm. Be what she needs. What will be, will be.

[Samhain]

I'm not sure there is such thing as an "innocent lie", telling a child santa claus exists, or the tooth fairy left that money under their pillow,sure, that's innocent. But with adults in adult relationships, innocent lies don't exist.

 

She was honest with you and told you she was glad you were leaving so she could get some rest. Why couldn't you be honest and say "I want to spend a night alone to get some rest"? I can't imagine why you wouldn't unless you were terrified of upsetting her, in which case you would have come across worse problems than this eventually.

 

Someone up there said it's the small lies that are the worst. I agree, because they are so pointless it makes people wonder "why would you lie about that" .. Which then leads to the obvious "what else would they lie about.. and if they lie about that, when it's something serious they will have no problem being dishonest".

 

I think she was right to cut you loose, it disturbed her enough to feel she needed to protect herself from you and that is her right, and a wise choice.

 

Next time I suggest you just be as honest as honest can be even if you think it will upset the person. It's better to be hurtfully honest than to be a liar. And from the sounds if you'd told her the truth she'd have agreed with you anyway.

[Under The Radar]

I don't want to speak for the OP, but in the spirit of honesty (see what I did there ) his relationship history with this woman is tumultuous to say the least. I have read some of his threads and she doesn't seem to be emotionally stable, starts arguments out of thin air, and at times is downright abusive towards him ...... they have broken up and gotten back together a couple of times.

 

Perhaps the OP may have lied because he IS scared of an argument materializing out of thin air. That doesn't excuse the dishonesty (which he ultimately confessed of his own volition), but possibly gives him food for thought. If the lie originated from fear it might be pertinent to ask if this is a healthy relationship.

[Otter2569]

She had been cheated on by her ex husband and was in an abusive relationship previously. That being said her emotions, at times, rule the moment.

 

We had had (she started) a fight that night because I was snoring and apparently I was insensitive when she woke me up and began complaining at 3am. She is an emotional roller coaster at times. Other times she is the best woman ever.

 

Out of fear and exhaustion I just wanted to be home and have a night to relax.

 

Today I get a load of stuff about not being able to be trusted, shes devastated, depressed, I've ruined the holidays, santa is not coming to my house etc.

 

I believe I handled myself well: sticking to the situation, acknowledged her feelings and apologized without groveling. Frankly is this relationship goes in the ****ter over this that's fine too.

[Els]

Sorry, Otter, I really don't think this is an acceptable lie to say to your gf. 'Acceptable' would be more along the lines of saying her food tastes good when she asks, even if it wasn't so good.

 

That being said, I don't think this is necessarily worth ending an otherwise good R over either, but we're all different and if she feels it's worth that, it's her prerogative. Apologize and give her time to stew over it, then accept whatever comes.

[sandylee1]

This isn't an innocent lie. It's a very pointless lie quite frankly and knowing she was cheated on by her Ex should have been more reason not to lie like this.

 

We all lie at times. I might tell my mom I'm busy when she wants me to come over, but this was such an unecessary lie. It seems like lies roll of your tongue without flinching. From your last post ... you don't seem to bothered if it ends.. perhaps that's the best thing with her insecurities and your feelings over the whole thing.

 

Maybe it wasn't meant to be.

[Otter2569]

First of all "lies do not roll off of my tongue". I made a mistake because I wanted to avoid some potential drama and I was exhausted. Fighting, drama and emotional turmoil are some of the things I absolutely dread in life. I am a happy, easy going person and those things just suck the life right out of me.

 

I know I was wrong and accept that there should be hurt feelings and some consequences. However to hear that you are crying in bed all day and that your life is ruined because of it - PLEASE!!!

 

It is what it is.

[salparadise]

She had been cheated on by her ex husband and was in an abusive relationship previously. That being said her emotions, at times, rule the moment.

 

Having been cheated on by an ex doesn't make it right that Otter should be walking on eggshells for the rest of his life. She keeps him on edge trying to avoid the next blowup. Withholding an inconsequential fact to avoid conflict is understandable. There is a limit to how much disclosure he "owes" her, given the context.

 

We had had (she started) a fight that night because I was snoring and apparently I was insensitive when she woke me up and began complaining at 3am. She is an emotional roller coaster at times. Other times she is the best woman ever.

 

Out of fear and exhaustion I just wanted to be home and have a night to relax.

 

Today I get a load of stuff about not being able to be trusted, shes devastated, depressed, I've ruined the holidays, santa is not coming to my house etc.

 

Yup, everything is his fault- she is making him responsible for how she feels, and she's prone to liking a good roller coaster ride.

 

I believe I handled myself well: sticking to the situation, acknowledged her feelings and apologized without groveling. Frankly is this relationship goes in the ****ter over this that's fine too.

 

I know exactly how it feels. I was married to one such woman and dated another for several months. Now I'm with someone who doesn't do any of this crap at all. All smiles and appreciation, no projection. Just good communication. When the other person doesn't overreact or project, you have no need to be defensive in advance based on what you're afraid might be the reaction. This is where Otter is.

 

Otter, I think you're right to not be jumping through hoops to try and keep her stable. You can't anyway. Just be assertive and let the chips fall where they may so as not to lose yourself in this morass of emotional baggage of hers.

 

My opinion is that such people can't maintain a healthy relationship, and can't maintain any relationship with a healthy person- they only attach through dysfunction and codependency. Otter is on the verge of realizing this fully. Assertiveness my man- that is the answer. Be fair but assertive. Don't engage. When she tries to draw you in, say how you feel and don't apologize for it. You aren't responsible for her gyrations... however, you are responsible for your own. I hope your next relationship is free of this kind of drama.

[dreamingoftigers]

First of all "lies do not roll off of my tongue". I made a mistake because I wanted to avoid some potential drama and I was exhausted. Fighting, drama and emotional turmoil are some of the things I absolutely dread in life. I am a happy, easy going person and those things just suck the life right out of me.

 

I know I was wrong and accept that there should be hurt feelings and some consequences. However to hear that you are crying in bed all day and that your life is ruined because of it - PLEASE!!!

 

It is what it is.

 

The first paragraph is the general mentality of a conflict-avoidant person.

 

Whether or not this lie or this relationship does whatever it does isn't really the point that I see.

 

What I have generally experienced in life is that people that use conflict-avoidant strategies (especially deception) instead of just saying what they want or need tend to INVITE conflict. Often by the boatload. It's pretty amazing actually. And it fosters distrust. Generally not the stuff that brings about peace.

 

Try to work on being someone who says what they want or need and be open to accommodating what others might want or need. Sometimes those things don't line up perfectly. That's life. Take care of you.

 

 

I totally swear, in 50-60% of the relationships where someone's "busting out the crazy" the other person is trying to lie and "shush" them instead of facing whatever thing it is head-on.

[MidwestUSA]

She told you Santa is not coming to your house? Seriously?

 

Well, yes, indeed you have ruined the holidays, and probably Valentine's Day as well!

 

While I agree lying, in general, is unacceptable, I can see why you did it. Give me your address so I can send your lump of coal.