Understanding divorced men & getting them dating?

[NewLeaf512]

Hi ....

 

I have seen some posts on threads that kind of cross these issues but I'd like to hear from anyone who can answer some or all of these questions because 1. I'd like to help my friends actually find a good match and 2. Maybe I might want to date again sometime and I need to understand what this is I'm facing.

 

For ease of getting replies I will break this up into "case one" and "case two"

 

The common points they share: Both very successful business men, case one is SUPER successful. Both are aged between 50-53. Both of them are divorced just under 2 years. Both have the same reason for divorce, wife had major infidelity, both are super angry at ex wife although neither wants reconciliation (really) both had quite long term marriages, both have some baggage, one more than the other.

 

Problem statement: they both are wanting to date and maybe fall in love. Because of their lives and baggage they keep choosing women to go out with (one to three dates) that anyone who knows them have zero chance of working out. I want to know why they do this, and why they completely do not notice entirely suitable wonderful women right in front of them. Now here are the cases.

[sportygirl89]

Really tends to depend on how recently they have been divorced. If extremely recently divorced generally not much of a chance. Usually they need 6 months or so to figure what they want out. It sucks being on the other side of being used.

[smackie9]

They need to see what is out there first. Obviously they are men and go for the physical aspect first, not what lies beneath. Or they seek out women that have similarities to their ex wife. it's a process they have to go through because there is a lot of emotional residual from their marriage. They will eventually adjust to not being married, and shed some of that emotional baggage in time. Once they have got past that stage, things will calm down, and will be ready to make better choices.

 

IMO stop meddling and let them go through their phase. let them have some fun first before they get tied up in something serious again.

[NewLeaf512]

Case one I'd a lovely chap who is a super successful professional. He's highly educated and is on over 7 figures. 2 children 18 plus so out of the house. Married around 18 years. His ex wife was a major major cheater, he caught her due to iCloud she begged, they reconciled a few months for the kids who were just leaving home, he caught her again in a major way with multiple affairs and left home and filed for divorce. He has never revealed to the kids the reason for the divorce and they were really angry with him for awhile but things seem better.

 

The good: a bit above average attractiveness, gorgeous manners, well spoken, interesting, kind, great dad, has lots of pursuits, good taste, has a few homes, is able to emote, and financially completely independent. He also doesn't sleep with women or have one night stands.

 

The not so good: 2 years on he is still FURIOUS at his ex wife. He brings it up too often. It's clear he doesn't love her but his ego took a bash. 2 years is a long time though to have this be so front and centre still. Additionally because he hasn't dated in so long, he unintentionally sends mixed signals to his dates and when I try to explain he thinks I'm being mean. Example: he has gone on a few dates (5 or g) with a woman over a 3 or 4 month period, they've never been intimate. He has helped he spread her mums ashes within a group of others in attendance which I think is highly indicative of how she feels about him. He doesn't think that this woman thinks they are an item. He knows she isn't the one for him. She's not educated anywhere near his level and hasn't travelled, and doesn't understand the resources and time needed to keep up super career etc.

 

Baggage: ex wife issues. Super career requires him to spen approximately 2 weeks a month away from home country with around a 10 hour time change. When case one is in country, he works about 10 hours a day, and if he can see his kids at the weekend a potential woman has to fit her schedule around that.

 

What he is looking for: too young, too pretty, no kids, independent, doesn't mind that he's gone often, someone very passionate and cares about him and is his soft place to land and keep home fires burning.

 

He is completely baffled about why this seems unattainable.

 

Inviting insights on case one first.

[NewLeaf512]

They need to see what is out there first. Obviously they are men and go for the physical aspect first, not what lies beneath. Or they seek out women that have similarities to their ex wife. it's a process they have to go through because there is a lot of emotional residual from their marriage. They will eventually adjust to not being married, and shed some of that emotional baggage in time. Once they have got past that stage, things will calm down, and will be ready to make better choices.

 

IMO stop meddling and let them go through their phase. let them have some fun first before they get tied up in something serious again.

 

 

Hi smackie thanks for your post. I agree about the emotional residue.What in your experience is the time frame on that? As to meddling, both my friends ask me to fix them up, take them to parties, etc. I'm certainly not butting in uninvited.

[NewLeaf512]

Really tends to depend on how recently they have been divorced. If extremely recently divorced generally not much of a chance. Usually they need 6 months or so to figure what they want out. It sucks being on the other side of being used.

 

 

Hi sporty thanks for your post. As in my OP both are at circa 2 years

Edited October 3, 2015 by NewLeaf512

[mrldii]

Why do they keep doing this?

 

Because (as you, yourself said):

 

Hi ....

 

I have seen some posts on threads that kind of cross these issues but I'd like to hear from anyone who can answer some or all of these questions because 1. I'd like to help my friends actually find a good match and 2. Maybe I might want to date again sometime and I need to understand what this is I'm facing.

 

For ease of getting replies I will break this up into "case one" and "case two"

 

The common points they share: Both very successful business men, case one is SUPER successful. Both are aged between 50-53. Both of them are divorced just under 2 years. Both have the same reason for divorce, wife had major infidelity, both are super angry at ex wife although neither wants reconciliation (really) both had quite long term marriages, both have some baggage, one more than the other.

 

Problem statement: they both are wanting to date and maybe fall in love. Because of their lives and baggage they keep choosing women to go out with (one to three dates) that anyone who knows them have zero chance of working out. I want to know why they do this, and why they completely do not notice entirely suitable wonderful women right in front of them. Now here are the cases.

 

"they" have not fully gotten over nor fully processed their part in their failed relationships, so they're not really ready for a new one. "They" are deliberately picking 'unsuitable' women as a built-in safeguard to ensure they don't really have a relationship yet, but it will look like they really are ready and wanting one.

 

I'm sure in psycho-babble it's got a more clever name than "Self-Protecting, Self-Serving, Self-Fulfilling-Prophecy to Ensure Self-Protection".

[Ami1uwant]

Case 1--- he is unrealistic thinking he can buy a women with his income. With him traveling 2 weeks out of a month and thorn time with his children he has little time to date.

 

Step 1 he needs to cut back on work travel

Step 2 be more realistic in who you date.

[Guyouthere]

As a guy who was in exactly in this situation (was married 15+ years to a cheater)…..

 

(and still am as I am not with anyone now)…

 

I can give some insight….

 

They don't trust women. After going through that, suspicion is there. I just found my last girl hiding a guy from me (so once again disappointed).

 

The guys likely see women as things to be used.

 

I don't do that, however I won't trust easily anymore.

 

Women have to prove their value and sincerity, and that is done in several ways.

 

Anything other than that, they will quickly "be outa there".

 

Sounds too like the last woman I "dated" for a shot time earlier this year before I met the last one I was with,,,,

 

I got rid of her really quick when she started making bold remarks about how much she thought I should take care of her financially.

 

Money grabbers… out the door. I don't waste my time.

 

And those guys are likely the same…. they likely sensed that those women were attracted to their status.

 

Sometimes guys need to learn, but when we do, we realize the ulterior motives many women have.

 

Face it, if the guy was poorer, likely none of this would be going on.

 

You too want to set these women up because you think he is a "good catch".

 

Would you do the sane if he wasn't rich????

 

Lets not fool ourselves.

[NewLeaf512]

Why do they keep doing this?

 

Because (as you, yourself said):

 

 

 

"they" have not fully gotten over nor fully processed their part in their failed relationships, so they're not really ready for a new one. "They" are deliberately picking 'unsuitable' women as a built-in safeguard to ensure they don't really have a relationship yet, but it will look like they really are ready and wanting one.

 

I'm sure in psycho-babble it's got a more clever name than "Self-Protecting, Self-Serving, Self-Fulfilling-Prophecy to Ensure Self-Protection".

 

Therapy is needed maybe?

[NewLeaf512]

As a guy who was in exactly in this situation (was married 15+ years to a cheater)…..

 

(and still am as I am not with anyone now)…

 

I can give some insight….

 

They don't trust women. After going through that, suspicion is there. I just found my last girl hiding a guy from me (so once again disappointed).

 

The guys likely see women as things to be used.

 

I don't do that, however I won't trust easily anymore.

 

Women have to prove their value and sincerity, and that is done in several ways.

 

Anything other than that, they will quickly "be outa there".

 

Sounds too like the last woman I "dated" for a shot time earlier this year before I met the last one I was with,,,,

 

I got rid of her really quick when she started making bold remarks about how much she thought I should take care of her financially.

 

Money grabbers… out the door. I don't waste my time.

 

And those guys are likely the same…. they likely sensed that those women were attracted to their status.

 

Sometimes guys need to learn, but when we do, we realize the ulterior motives many women have.

 

Face it, if the guy was poorer, likely none of this would be going on.

 

You too want to set these women up because you think he is a "good catch".

 

Would you do the sane if he wasn't rich????

 

Lets not fool ourselves.

 

 

Hi Guy thanks for your post. I'm not trying to date either man and I'm wealthy in my own right.

[NewLeaf512]

Case 1--- he is unrealistic thinking he can buy a women with his income. With him traveling 2 weeks out of a month and thorn time with his children he has little time to date.

 

Step 1 he needs to cut back on work travel

Step 2 be more realistic in who you date.

 

Thanks for your post.

 

Don't think he's trying to buy anyone, the point is that he can be successful in a difficult business world but it lacking in emotional intelligence. He can't not travel, and they kids are now old enough where he sees them less.

 

He doesn't understand why beautiful young women don't want him.

[NewLeaf512]

As a guy who was in exactly in this situation (was married 15+ years to a cheater)…..

 

(and still am as I am not with anyone now)…

 

I can give some insight….

 

They don't trust women. After going through that, suspicion is there. I just found my last girl hiding a guy from me (so once again disappointed).

 

The guys likely see women as things to be used.

 

I don't do that, however I won't trust easily anymore.

 

Women have to prove their value and sincerity, and that is done in several ways.

 

Anything other than that, they will quickly "be outa there".

 

Sounds too like the last woman I "dated" for a shot time earlier this year before I met the last one I was with,,,,

 

I got rid of her really quick when she started making bold remarks about how much she thought I should take care of her financially.

 

Money grabbers… out the door. I don't waste my time.

 

Face it, if the guy was poorer, likely none of this would be going on.

 

You too want to set these women up because you think he is a "good catch".

 

Would you do the sane if he wasn't rich????

 

Lets not fool ourselves.

 

One more point for clarity, if I set them up I would set them up with someone who was closely matched to them financially so it's a level playing field fuelled by love not commerce.

[thefooloftheyear]

Case one I'd a lovely chap who is a super successful professional. He's highly educated and is on over 7 figures. 2 children 18 plus so out of the house. Married around 18 years. His ex wife was a major major cheater, he caught her due to iCloud she begged, they reconciled a few months for the kids who were just leaving home, he caught her again in a major way with multiple affairs and left home and filed for divorce. He has never revealed to the kids the reason for the divorce and they were really angry with him for awhile but things seem better.

 

The good: a bit above average attractiveness, gorgeous manners, well spoken, interesting, kind, great dad, has lots of pursuits, good taste, has a few homes, is able to emote, and financially completely independent. He also doesn't sleep with women or have one night stands.

 

The not so good: 2 years on he is still FURIOUS at his ex wife. He brings it up too often. It's clear he doesn't love her but his ego took a bash. 2 years is a long time though to have this be so front and centre still. Additionally because he hasn't dated in so long, he unintentionally sends mixed signals to his dates and when I try to explain he thinks I'm being mean. Example: he has gone on a few dates (5 or g) with a woman over a 3 or 4 month period, they've never been intimate. He has helped he spread her mums ashes within a group of others in attendance which I think is highly indicative of how she feels about him. He doesn't think that this woman thinks they are an item. He knows she isn't the one for him. She's not educated anywhere near his level and hasn't travelled, and doesn't understand the resources and time needed to keep up super career etc.

 

Baggage: ex wife issues. Super career requires him to spen approximately 2 weeks a month away from home country with around a 10 hour time change. When case one is in country, he works about 10 hours a day, and if he can see his kids at the weekend a potential woman has to fit her schedule around that.

 

What he is looking for: too young, too pretty, no kids, independent, doesn't mind that he's gone often, someone very passionate and cares about him and is his soft place to land and keep home fires burning.

 

He is completely baffled about why this seems unattainable.

 

Inviting insights on case one first.

 

 

Do you think this is unattainable? Why so?

 

If thats what he wants, who is anyone to say?

 

TFY

[smackie9]

Hi smackie thanks for your post. I agree about the emotional residue.What in your experience is the time frame on that? As to meddling, both my friends ask me to fix them up, take them to parties, etc. I'm certainly not butting in uninvited.

 

Remember they are men....sex is their first agenda, not finding love, but like they are going to tell you that. Their expectations are high and unrealistic at this point too.

 

They come to you because they have been out of the dating game for decades so they are at a loss on how to go about meeting women. How long will this take? As long as it needs to.

 

As for the residual, it depends on the individual. It's tough on them because they were expecting to grow old with their ex wife, so to be thrown back into dating, who knows how long. I think women adapted more easily than men do. I have seen my mom go through two divorces and she had np getting herself into a new relationship or dating.

 

I feel these men need to spend more time developing their personal lives, instead of their professional lives. By taking up a hobby, activity, or interest say for example rock climbing, they will be able to socially meet women on their own.

[mrldii]

Therapy is needed maybe?

 

 

Nahhhh, not necessarily. By appearing to be ready but not really being ready, it preserves "their" ability TO get laid, from time-to-time.

 

Seeking therapy to resolve the *issues* might interfere with that flow, yanno?

 

And, people typically seek out therapy when they feel they've got a problem; I seriously doubt that these men are feeling that their inability to really get into another relationship is a "problem", at this point and time in their lives. It's more likely serving them very well, at least for now.

[smackie9]

On average, after a long marriage I would say a year, year and a half would be a good starting point. For some it's two years.

[Guyouthere]

One more point for clarity, if I set them up I would set them up with someone who was closely matched to them financially so it's a level playing field fuelled by love not commerce.

 

That doesn't even the playing field.

 

A woman who makes a lot will also likely not settle for less, and be shallow herself.

 

The point being that really it is a no win for anyone.

[NewLeaf512]

Do you think this is unattainable? Why so?

 

If thats what he wants, who is anyone to say?

 

TFY

 

 

Maybe it isn't unattainable. Maybe there are young 28 year old super models with packets of money who want a somewhat attractive 52 year old man who is away about 50% of the time and when he is around give him all the sex he wants.

 

So far that search hasn't proven fruitful for him

[smackie9]

No what fuels mens passion is a hot looking confident woman.

[smackie9]

Maybe it isn't unattainable. Maybe there are young 28 year old super models with packets of money who want a somewhat attractive 52 year old man who is away about 50% of the time and when he is around give him all the sex he wants.

 

So far that search hasn't proven fruitful for him

OK so now it's very clear why his ex wife had an affair. maybe it would be just more suitable for him to date casually, and get laid once in awhile until he retires and the traveling he does is for pleasure.

[NewLeaf512]

Nahhhh, not necessarily. By appearing to be ready but not really being ready, it preserves "their" ability TO get laid, from time-to-time.

 

Seeking therapy to resolve the *issues* might interfere with that flow, yanno?

 

And, people typically seek out therapy when they feel they've got a problem; I seriously doubt that these men are feeling that their inability to really get into another relationship is a "problem", at this point and time in their lives. It's more likely serving them very well, at least for now.

 

 

I'm really interested in this response particularly in case 1. I'm asking here because I really am blind in this area.

 

Case one is going all out to find his next "partner" and in the 2 years total he slept with only 1 of the women I think once .

 

(Case 2 is a different story)

[thefooloftheyear]

Maybe it isn't unattainable. Maybe there are young 28 year old super models with packets of money who want a somewhat attractive 52 year old man who is away about 50% of the time and when he is around give him all the sex he wants.

 

So far that search hasn't proven fruitful for him

 

Did he actually say that to you? ...I highly doubt it....

 

Just seems odd and something I have experienced in my own life...Other women who want to determine or think they know whats "best" for a man...

 

Its probably very likely that all of the women "right in front of his nose" are women he wouldn't want and already knows he can have them..

 

Just a thought...

 

TFY

[NewLeaf512]

OK so now it's very clear why his ex wife had an affair. maybe it would be just more suitable for him to date casually, and get laid once in awhile until he retires and the traveling he does is for pleasure.

 

He wanted exWife to come with him every 2 weeks, she didn't work. I think casual dating might be the answer.

 

( I don't think having your H travel is a reason for an A, especially with 2 kids in boarding school, you don't have to work and you drive a Maserati)

[mrldii]

I'm really interested in this response particularly in case 1. I'm asking here because I really am blind in this area.

 

Case one is going all out to find his next "partner" and in the 2 years total he slept with only 1 of the women I think once .

 

(Case 2 is a different story)

 

According to you, both men (regardless of the details of their individual "case studies") are picking 'unsuitable' women for their proclaimed desires: to find a relationship.

 

If Case Study #1 isn't having sex with these 'unsuitable' women, then he's getting something else out of his choices to ensure he doesn't really find The One.

 

Confirmation that all women ARE beasts, just like his ex was/is? Knowing that you're right and finding (creating?) confirmation of one's foregone conclusions can be comforting in its own right, yanno?