Philosopher Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Over the time I have been doing online dating I have noticed there are quite a few women whom say they are looking for guys whom are outgoing, sociable and confident. However I hardly ever see women whom say in their profile that they like guys whom are quiet, shy or reserved. Similarly when I have asked female friends or women whom I have been dating what they like in a guy, they very rarely say they like guys whom are shy or quiet, instead it will usually be the opposite. For example the last women I dated said she liked guys whom are smart, funny and confident. Finally, from reading on the Internet the conventional wisdom seems to be that women are highly attracted to confidence, assertiveness and dominance in guys. Given that I myself I am rather shy and not exactly the most confident of people, this is not exactly great news for me. Therefore are there many women whom do genuinely like guys whom are quiet and reserved? Also if a guy comes of as shy and / or quiet do they automatically end up being seen as lacking in confidence by women? Link to post Share on other sites
loveflower Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Guess you have to change. Men are supposed to be 'hunters', so shy and quite don't go well with that. damn! nowadays, even women can't be shy and quite, either it be in career or relationship. I want to be shy and quite...but apparently they don't get me anywhere even as a woman. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I don't mind shy and quiet - I actually tend to target those guys in social situations because I like to talk to them and try to pull them out of their shells. I am odd in that I am out going - but a self described introvert. I will pick the quiet guy in the corner and chat him up while "observing" the party / bar etc around us. That said - for me, CONFIDENCE is a must. I lose respect for / bull doze over insecure guys. But I don't mind a bit shy and quiet. Shy can be very cute - especially if I draw him out enough I flirt a little. Quiet - a lot of smart and observant people are quiet. But if I am going to date them - self assured and confident is important to me. I am VERY confident - so I can't put up with a wilting flower of a guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Are there many women whom like shy or quiet guys?In general, IME, very few. However, I did have pretty good luck as a comparatively shy and quiet guy when young with MW's who were in apparently abusive marriages. I guess whatever aura I presented felt safe to them, not to be confused with attractive. Overall, though, dating success, and especially relationship success, improved with becoming more outgoing, a bit more arrogant and less polite. That's what worked in my demographic. I'm not shy anymore, rather just quietly living my life, and it's gone back to relative invisibility. That's OK. I presume you're young so it probably shouldn't be OK for you. The date and mate thing is going on. Yeah, if women are used to a certain type of man 'being a man', then that's the type of man they are used to and like and, if you're not it, you're invisible. Can't control them. Hope it works out! Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Enough TO flirt ... Won't let me edit Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 I mean, you don't have to be the loudest guy at the table or the best dancer or the biggest social butterfly in the room, but you have to work on yourself until you're able not to show nervousness in any social situation and able to get through intoductions with strangers or work associates, and you have to be able to keep your crap together long enough to ask someone out and get through a real date. Past that, there are plenty of women who don't mind a guy who reads a lot and doesn't go out and party all the time, as long as he's willing to get out of the house with her occasionally and do something fun or social. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 My husband & my father are both shy, quiet guys. They prefer when others take center stage. In a 1 on 1 when they feel comfortable they will engage in meaningful conversation but it takes them a while to warm up. Both have always used my mom & me as social buffers to make the introductions when they couldn't. Any good relationship is a balance & true extroverts want an audience not a competitor for the spot light. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 my grandfather was quiet....he was a soldier ..he had a way of doing things ......he was confident he didnt put up with crap but he was reserved unless you were really close to him.....he never yelled or raised his voice well not that i ever saw or heard...he was never shy......he was just a calm spirit with words of wisdom said in a metered tone...i think its a mistake to think quiet guys are shy....not all of them, are...they just dont need to beat their chests and proclaim "i am man"... i particularly prefer to date quiet guys......soft voices......not because i think they are pushovers...but in my experience truly strong minded and good hearted guys......dont proclaim and outwardly need to show confidence...its a quiet confidence they possess..and its long lasting and doesnt disappear in times of stress....its real confidence....that doesnt sway with public opinion........deb 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 RecentChange and todreaminblue hit the nail on the head... While people may say otherwise about me - I am very shy and reserved...an introvert. I do however, come out of my shell to get stuff done - but prefer not to. I also consider myself a strong, but stoic type. I don't need to be like some people - wearing my stuff on my chest. Actually, I prefer to be a "behind the scenes" type person. I make things happen, but don't want people to know it's me. I prefer that in a guy...but not to the point where it cripples his ability to date, have RLs and/or just "live". On OLD, when I see pics of guys on boats, doing this/that, I move on to the next profile - ESPECIALLY when they say they are outgoing. To me, that screams that they are social butterflies and while I like to go out now and then - I'm mostly a homebody and don't have the energy to keep up with "outgoing" people. Also, I like humble and quiet/stoic men. I don't need some dude with flashy clothes, always trying to beat on his chest and "prove" something. Cuz, that's how I am. But honestly, on OLD, I have yet to see a guy say outright that he's "shy" and/or "reserved"...it's mostly the "outgoing" profiles that reign. I've often asked myself if indeed they are outgoing or they simply are putting that on their profile in hopes they can attract women? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 I do but they usually like loud flashy girls.. so.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 I do but they usually like loud flashy girls.. so.. I know!!! Sometimes you see shy/quiet guys with the worst chicks - like their total opposite!!! And, you're like WTF/WTH? Link to post Share on other sites
loveflower Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 I know!!! Sometimes you see shy/quiet guys with the worst chicks - like their total opposite!!! And, you're like WTF/WTH? because they lack of confidence/bravery, so they just be with anyone who can lead them. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 because they lack of confidence/bravery, so they just be with anyone who can lead them. Noooo... You don't see them with a strong, confident, outgoing woman...You usually see them with someone brash, rude, and/or the town ho...pretty much a manipulative, loud and outrageous chick - a far cry from a healthy "leader" in a RL. Link to post Share on other sites
Snakeoil Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 The only thing that would break me out of shyness is if we had mandatory Military service in America. I don't think the prospect of missing out on dating opportunities or sex is enough motivation to break me out of my shell. But if I was required by law to go into the Military then I wouldn't have a choice because the Military would definitively break me out of shyness because I would be forced to do extra exercises as punishment for being shy. I don't like to exercise. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 I'm a guy, but I'll chime in anyway. Quiet is fine. Shy is not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 there is nothing worse, imho, than a shy, reserved guy. i don't even want a quiet guy. i just think they're complete losers who make excuses for why they are socially inept. if you can't get up the nerve to even talk to people or be confident, what type of skills are you going to have in a relationship. seeing as how communication within a relationship is vital i don't know why anyone would gravitate to these men. an initial bout of shyness/nervousness is ok, but it better pass right quick. dating is hard enough without dragging someone out of their shell... i'm not getting paid to be a therapist for shy introverts. i think of women as typically shy and quiet and expect my man to be a leader and be outgoing. Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 there is nothing worse, imho, than a shy, reserved guy. i don't even want a quiet guy. i just think they're complete losers who make excuses for why they are socially inept. if you can't get up the nerve to even talk to people or be confident, what type of skills are you going to have in a relationship. seeing as how communication within a relationship is vital i don't know why anyone would gravitate to these men. an initial bout of shyness/nervousness is ok, but it better pass right quick. dating is hard enough without dragging someone out of their shell... i'm not getting paid to be a therapist for shy introverts. i think of women as typically shy and quiet and expect my man to be a leader and be outgoing. That seems rough. As s single guy I was always pretty shy. I think I'm ok Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 there is nothing worse, imho, than a shy, reserved guy. i don't even want a quiet guy. i just think they're complete losers who make excuses for why they are socially inept. if you can't get up the nerve to even talk to people or be confident, what type of skills are you going to have in a relationship. seeing as how communication within a relationship is vital i don't know why anyone would gravitate to these men. an initial bout of shyness/nervousness is ok, but it better pass right quick. dating is hard enough without dragging someone out of their shell... i'm not getting paid to be a therapist for shy introverts. i think of women as typically shy and quiet and expect my man to be a leader and be outgoing. lol! Interesting perspective... Though one can learn a lot from people just by listening to them talk. And some people who have much to say, usually have nothing to say at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 lol! Interesting perspective... Though one can learn a lot from people just by listening to them talk. And some people who have much to say, usually have nothing to say at all. Agreed. When dating I was often quiet bc I wanted to listen to the other person Link to post Share on other sites
Jonp219 Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 I'm a guy, but I'll chime in anyway. Quiet is fine. Shy is not. Same thing I was about to say. It's fine to be a man of a few words, but not a man who doesn't like to speak to others. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snakeoil Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 The quality of what is being said is more important than quantity. It is better to say nothing than to say the wrong thing. After-all there's a reason suspects have a right to remain silent when questioned by the cops. Silence is something that cannot be used against someone in a court of law. I would say silence can be a protective weapon in other areas of life too. Anything you say to the cops can be used against you in court. Anything you say in the workplace can be used against you by your boss or other coworkers later. Whatever is said can't be unsaid. I think we can all learn to practice being slow to speak and quick to listen. That's one quality shy people have. They are smart to play it safe if they have any doubt that what they say is going to edify those who hear them. Even Jesus stayed quiet when He was arrested and questioned. He was smart. There's a time to speak and a time to be quiet. My hunch is that most people tend to say too much than say too little. Link to post Share on other sites
craw Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 I dated a shy/quiet guy for a long time. It can become exhausting after a while. With this guy, shy/quiet/introverted also got paired up with social anxiety and frequent trips of depression. As long as you're a good communicator, it really shouldn't be a problem. Most of the time that he was in pain, I had no idea until I had to keep asking him. Yeah, I definitely will not date one again. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 I do prefer quiet and introverted guys. Shy on the other hand is an iffy thing- if he's just not a social butterfly, then great, but if he's socially handicapped to the extent that he can't ask me out or can't handle meeting my friends and family or can't talk to anyone without grunting like a bear, nope. Can't deal with that. I also have never done online dating,and probably never will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 I do prefer quiet and introverted guys. Shy on the other hand is an iffy thing- if he's just not a social butterfly, then great, but if he's socially handicapped to the extent that he can't ask me out or can't handle meeting my friends and family or can't talk to anyone without grunting like a bear, nope. Can't deal with that. I also have never done online dating,and probably never will. I was socially fine, except maybe a little uncomfortable in group settings. And j was always a little awkward making the first move Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 I was socially fine, except maybe a little uncomfortable in group settings. And j was always a little awkward making the first move What you're describing sounds fine to me as long as you actually make yourself make the move eventually, even if it feels awkward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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