squatsNpeanutbutter Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years.( I'm 27. He is 34) When I met him he was a big guy... pushing 300lbs @ 5'11. (he is now 265-270) So, I guess I knew what I was getting myself into but I always thought I could gently encourage a better lifestyle for him. A few years back I lost 70 lbs and have kept it off. Everyone in my family is very athletic and I was sick of being the fat girl. While I like to live a little, I am addicted to the lifestyle. I wanted/want to be with someone who has the same passion. My fear is having a future with him and him just letting himself go further and having obese kids. His sister is very obese and heart disease and diabetes run in his family I want a future with someone who is physically fit. But my heart keeps saying he is such a sweet guy... what if I don't find anyone as great as him BUT I have tried everything... I have bought him workout clothes, sneakers, given him my old food scale and older Polar HRM. I've made him numerous healthy meals, protein bars and gave him protein and numerous shakers. I know he is trying and has gotten quite invested but something is not right... He does not look any different.... like he literally is the same size. He carries most of his weight in his stomach (he has one of those hard bellies ) He has been going at this for a while now... and like I said I don't see any changes at all. From what he tells me his diet looks really clean and he burns usually 800+ cals when he is at the gym. However, when I ask him what he did at the gym ... sometimes he'll say "elliptical because it was busy" ;-\ but I guess a workout is a workout. but again like I said there are no changes. He only says his cardiovascular is better but his belly is still so huge. i don't know what I'm suppose to do at this point... I even took him through a "boot camp" style workout. He could barely keep up and complained about aches and pains. I'm so confused. Maybe I should encourage him to make a doctors appointment and see what could be going on? maybe his hormones and ***** are out of wack. Lastly, He is a great guy but I just want him to be healthy and honestly I want to look at him and and be 'head over heels' attracted to him. It's more than just physical but come on... I need some help seriously, I don't know what to do at this point. I find myself looking at guys at the gym... I want a future with this guy but not like this. And honestly, I doubt he would date a girl as big as him. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Your first problem is that you are trying to change him, and have always been trying to change him, rather than accepting who he is. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author squatsNpeanutbutter Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 When he showed interest... I encouraged him more. He is also concerned why he isnt seeing any real results. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Just let the man be. What is he doing wrong? Stop trying to change him, let him be happy. If he wants to do it, let him. But stop pressuring him to change to suit your desires. That's selfish and unfair. If he wants to change, it needs to come from him. You will only create resentment by pushing it onto him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ManyDissapoint Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years.( I'm 27. He is 34) When I met him he was a big guy... pushing 300lbs @ 5'11. (he is now 265-270) So, I guess I knew what I was getting myself into but I always thought I could gently encourage a better lifestyle for him. A few years back I lost 70 lbs and have kept it off. Everyone in my family is very athletic and I was sick of being the fat girl. While I like to live a little, I am addicted to the lifestyle. I wanted/want to be with someone who has the same passion. My fear is having a future with him and him just letting himself go further and having obese kids. His sister is very obese and heart disease and diabetes run in his family I want a future with someone who is physically fit. But my heart keeps saying he is such a sweet guy... what if I don't find anyone as great as him BUT I have tried everything... I have bought him workout clothes, sneakers, given him my old food scale and older Polar HRM. I've made him numerous healthy meals, protein bars and gave him protein and numerous shakers. I know he is trying and has gotten quite invested but something is not right... He does not look any different.... like he literally is the same size. He carries most of his weight in his stomach (he has one of those hard bellies ) He has been going at this for a while now... and like I said I don't see any changes at all. From what he tells me his diet looks really clean and he burns usually 800+ cals when he is at the gym. However, when I ask him what he did at the gym ... sometimes he'll say "elliptical because it was busy" ;-\ but I guess a workout is a workout. but again like I said there are no changes. He only says his cardiovascular is better but his belly is still so huge. i don't know what I'm suppose to do at this point... I even took him through a "boot camp" style workout. He could barely keep up and complained about aches and pains. I'm so confused. Maybe I should encourage him to make a doctors appointment and see what could be going on? maybe his hormones and ***** are out of wack. Lastly, He is a great guy but I just want him to be healthy and honestly I want to look at him and and be 'head over heels' attracted to him. It's more than just physical but come on... I need some help seriously, I don't know what to do at this point. I find myself looking at guys at the gym... I want a future with this guy but not like this. And honestly, I doubt he would date a girl as big as him. This is pretty typical. People want to deny these types of sexual dynamics but basically you are hotter than him now after losing the weight. Anyway, what you shouldn't do is nag, poke, prod, buy him things as hints, sign him up to programs as hints. You need to explain to him that losing the weight is his choice, but he could lose you. Maybe even show him this thread. Basically tell him that some woman ask for jewelry or whatever, you're asking him to lose the weight, which he should do anyway for himself. He would feel totally amazing. On the flip side if he loses the weight he might dump YOU. Maybe keep him super safe in that super dadbod. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Your first problem is that you are trying to change him, and have always been trying to change him, rather than accepting who he is. Women select men expecting they'll change Men select women expecting they won't Blatant stereotyping in the name of a pithy comment - but has a bit of truth to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 He needs to change his diet. Weight can not be overcome by working out, it's like 80% your diet and what he puts in his mouth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 There is a difference between encouraging and micromanaging. You are micromanaging him to get to a result you want. It doesn't sound like you two are on the same page. Accept him how he is, for better or worse, and decide if this is someone you want to be with. And based on the inconsistencies on what you are saying, he is not being completely truthful with you and lying about it so you stop nagging him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 At the end of the day you knew the score going in and I doubt he will change for you. Not saying you need to stay but either take it or leave it at this point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 A doctor visit is a good idea... If he accepts to go then it means he truly has a hard time losing weight and is truly puzzled. If he hesitates then it probably means he just wants to keep you pleased and isn't really doing much effort. It's really caring that you actively help him and encourage him actually, but he has to make this decision for himself. You can also give him an ultimatum since this is so important for you (it would be for me too -- I wouldn't want my boyfriend or future husband to die prematurely). Link to post Share on other sites
craw Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 So does he want to lose weight or are you forcing him? I am not a professional, but to me, it sounds like he needs to do a cleanse, eat Paleo and do Crossfit. I'm not sure where you guys are located, but he needs to see someone who can provide both services. Again I don't know your budget. Plus it takes time. What did you do to lose 70lbs? I'm curious! Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 You really can't force him or "gently urge him" to do anything - he has to want it himself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 If you want a fit, buff dude who has good genes and innately embraces a healthy lifestyle, you are going to have to find one. You cannot turn a Chunkendale into a Chippendale. If you want fit, athletic, buff children, you are going to have to find a naturally lean and athletic man that comes from a naturally lean, athletic family. A fat man from a fat family cannot lose weight and then pass on lean, athletic genes. Let him go so he can find a woman that he can go out for bannana splits with and who will love him and except him for who he is, and you can find the fit man you really want. More in next post..... Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 (edited) Cont.... No-one has touched on this yet but at its core this is kind of a self esteem issue on your part. You want a fit, hunky guy with abz and gunz and that all the other girls swoon over. But the problem is you don't feel you can catch and hold on to one of those guys so you found a chunky guy with the personality traits you like that you could get easily, and you are trying to transform him into your own manufactured hunk. Kind a DIY, homemade, custom hunk if you will. The catch here is that in order for you to get and hold on to a hunk, you have to be a babe. Now for all I know, you are a smoke' n hot babe than can attract all the hot hunks you like, but there is a little voice from the fat girl left inside of you that's telling you that you won't be able to keep the weight off and a natural hunk will walk the day you let up on your diet/exercise or if the weight comes back on. This is an internal pschological issue in YOU and not a physiologic issue with him. The reason he isn't losing as much weight as you is because that is how he is built and also because he is probably hitting the Oreos when you aren't looking. It's not any more fair for you to hook a fat man and try to turn him into a Chipendale than it wouldn't been for some gym hunk to try to turn you into a centerfold when you were heavier. Assuming you are fit and healthy and attractive yourself, you should be able to get a fit, healthy man. But you will have to learn to squelch the fat girl voice inside you that is telling you that you won't be able to get an actual fit man off of the shelf, rather than transforming a fat man into one yourself. Edited August 5, 2015 by oldshirt 1 Link to post Share on other sites
E-Squared Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 I would really hate to tell you this, but you probably don't deserve him. If I were you, I would just try to help encouraging him to try to get in shape, not force it onto him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 I would really hate to tell you this, but you probably don't deserve him. Unless she was Lizzie Borden in a previous life or did some horrible stuff in this one no woman deserves a guy who's 5'11 and 265. =/ I mean I love to eat too but you've gotta keep that urge under control somewhat if you want to date, especially if it's a woman who's in shape herself. Her agreeing to date him when he was fat is no excuse. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 He needs to change his diet. Weight can not be overcome by working out, it's like 80% your diet and what he puts in his mouth. I have to agree with this. I lifted for years and gained quite a bit of muscle but the diet is what counts in terms of fat loss. To be fair the guy is leaner than when you met him...I mean you can't really complain about that. How many meals do you eat together? Does he eat the same meals you do or eat something else? It also could be out of spite because he feels like you're trying to control him. If you back off he might lose some weight because he might actually want to but doesn't want to feel like he's doing it just because you're telling him to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Unless she was Lizzie Borden in a previous life or did some horrible stuff in this one no woman deserves a guy who's 5'11 and 265. =/ I mean I love to eat too but you've gotta keep that urge under control somewhat if you want to date, especially if it's a woman who's in shape herself. Her agreeing to date him when he was fat is no excuse. No woman deserves a guy who she chose to be with and lost 30lbs since? Get real. If someone has a problem with that then why get with them in the first place? That comment is completely asinine. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 I'm surprised he hasn't broken up with you yet... No one likes to be "molded" into what their SO wants... We date people "as is"...we don't try to beat, mold, shape, etc them into what we want them to be. Yes, losing weight is great for appearance, health, mood, etc. But he doesn't care. Leave him alone. I recommend you seek counseling on why you want a bird with a broken wing. To feel superior to him? To torture him? To have someone who is dependent on you? I bet ya, the day he loses that weight and turns into an Arnold, Mr. Universe, you'd run from him faster than a bolt of lightning cuz your "project" is completed and now you have no purpose. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 What happens when he gets tired of losing weight because that's what she wants? What happens when he rebels and decides to make his own decisions about his body? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 What happens when he gets tired of losing weight because that's what she wants? What happens when he rebels and decides to make his own decisions about his body? Great point... Maybe one day he'd do this on his own and actually stick with it...No one likes to be doing something they're being pressured into - even if its for their own good. Maybe she should try a "reward" system - like for every 10 pounds he loses, she does something in the bedroom for him Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Great point... Maybe one day he'd do this on his own and actually stick with it...No one likes to be doing something they're being pressured into - even if its for their own good. Maybe she should try a "reward" system - like for every 10 pounds he loses, she does something in the bedroom for him Or she could cut sex off until he loses weight. Watch him drop 20 in a month. Lol Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 No woman deserves a guy who she chose to be with and lost 30lbs since? Get real. If someone has a problem with that then why get with them in the first place? That comment is completely asinine. Probably because she expected him to lose it at some point. You have to be living on Mars as a guy if you think you can run around at almost 300 pounds and a girl who works hard to stay in shape is just going to be completely thrilled with that forever. There are a lot of women out there that would date a guy who say, didn't have a job when they met, as long as he works on getting one and makes progress. It doesn't give him a blanket excuse to be an unemployed bum for the rest of his life and she can't complain. Not really a hard concept to understand. =/ Link to post Share on other sites
Iron Bubba Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 He might have medical problems. Some medical problems do really have an impact on weight loss and makes it a lot more difficult for weight loss. But you really shouldn't pressure him. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 When you met him he was big. You accepted it. If you can't even though he's a good guy then move on and fine a fit guy but when you do or if you do be honest with him before you go looking elsewhere. Sooner or later we all lose are shape or figure. I'm 67 and I sure as hell don't look like I did when I was younger. Your no exception to the rule and when you lost 70 pounds. Remember when you would here a negative comment about your butt or legs. Didn't feel good did it? I'm happy that you lost the weight and kept it off and you should be proud of that but you have to accept you guy as he is. Link to post Share on other sites
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