Why do men treat women so badly?

[mortensorchid]

I was listening to a female friend lament about how all the guys in her past have treated her badly. I also have had my fair share of men who treated me badly. I wonder why this has been the case with so many women (myself included). Is it because we choose men poorly? Maybe so, but all joking aside - let's say you have just met someone. You don't know this person from the next guy, you don't automatically KNOW that this person is going to treat you badly. Unless this guy has some kind of rep among friends and acquaintances that they pass onto you, that is. Over time there are red flags or signs, or there will be, right?

 

So why then does this happen to us like it has? Here are a few pointers on why:

 

1) Bad training - If you were lucky your mom told you (her daughter) that men should treat women well and if and when it happens to you that you should expect a man to treat you well. My mom and I never had that talk, because she never dated anyone except for my dad and there are/were plenty of times that she remains the submissive to his tirades. He has also had his bad moments when he liked to put down my self esteem, only to say he was sorry once I have burst into tears. Talk about mixed signals. It's like ignorance and tolerance in the same bundle passed down.

 

2) Men vs. boys - We assume when we grow up that things are all going to be fine and we'll get past all the childish nonsense that was going on while on the playground with boys or in high school. Unfortunately we find out that the bad behaviors that boys (and girls) are into does not change with age. When you think about it, even as adults when we go through our adult dramas we are still acting like kids. Those stabs don't feel any better at age 27 verses age 77.

 

3) Bad examples - Like it or not we are seeing a tremendous outflowing of bad examples in the media. Reality TV, movies and whatnot portray men acting like jackasses. We also have a certain double standard saying "boys will be boys" and they are allowed to misbehave when women are not. Subconciously, we see these things and expect men to do just this to women.

 

*Please note : This is not a man bashing post. There are just as many women who are acting terrible towards men as well. I am sure there are men reading this who would never do such cowardly and terrible things like dump a woman via text message/email, hit them, or inflict verbal or physical abuse on any woman around them. I am reflecting on women that I am seeing around me. Some may be perfectly happy and have a wonderful man in their lives, I am talking about the most obvious examples who have scarred us in the past.*

 

What can you do? The only thing you can do is recognize red flags, decide that you are not going to put up with certain behaviors, and keep faith that someday, somehow it will all be ok for you. When you give unconditional love and respect, you will receive it. Just not from this jackass you hitched your wagon to. Because in the end, all you have is yourself.

[mesmerized]

didn't read the post but I can answer the question in your title. Men do that simply because we women let them! I wish we all had higher standards...then men wouldn't be able to get away with what they do now.

[Noproblem]

Simple answer:

 

Because women let them!

 

 

 

P.S: I'm so sad to read your thread and I feel for you

[Woggle]

For the same reason women treat men badly. It is not about gender. We are just living in a society where people don't give a damn about anybody but themselves. You also have a lot of hurt people out there with a get them before they get you mentality.

[USMCHokie]

...she remains the submissive to his tirades.

 

Here's a random thought that was prompted by another recent thread about dom/sub sexual relationships. If there are more women who generally identify as being sexually submissive in that niche community, is it possible that there is an underlying tendency for women to be submissive in a general sense? And that women actually get sexually aroused by being treated poorly...?

 

Just some very loose speculation based on another discussion...

[mortensorchid]

didn't read the post but I can answer the question in your title. Men do that simply because we women let them! I wish we all had higher standards...then men wouldn't be able to get away with what they do now.

 

Most certainly, you are 100% right - I agree with you here. I was going into the things that may have conditioned us to do so. And it's all about self centerness as well.

[Noproblem]

A dear friend of mine.....

She is now in a long distance relationship with some guy I know

 

her father used to drink and hit her mother

this guy father used to drink and hit his mother

 

 

the guy already drink...and I know because he told me once he had beat a women who upset him...

 

So I told her, after he said bad things to her and she was a bit upset...

why would you stay with someone who will only repeat what his father did, you of all people know how it hurts?

 

She said well I'll change him!

 

I couldn't believe what I was reading

 

My close friend ruined her life just because of a guy simply interested in her who is surely gonna leave her soon ....because he always do that

 

Why would she do that to herself

 

Of course, I couldn't just watch her ruin her life so I distance myself from their relationship ...

[Woggle]

I hate to get on a nice guy rant because that is usually not me but if men who don't treat women like this were rewarded more then maybe men would treat women better.

[suladas]

I am glad you mentioned that it happens the other way around, as i've had. And the irony I found? The women who treated me poorly complained about how she had been treated poorly by men in the past. It was incredibly surprising to me, and well made me think, you are now treating men poorly and yet complain how you were treated by them in the past. But you are treating men poorly, so you have NOTHING to complain about how you were treated poorly in the past and you're making it worse by making bitter men.

 

I'm not saying all people do this, but something to think about. There is no reason to carry past angry/bitterness to new relationships or punish people for the mistakes of others.

[USMCHokie]

I am glad you mentioned that it happens the other way around, as i've had. And the irony I found? The women who treated me poorly complained about how she had been treated poorly by men in the past. It was incredibly surprising to me, and well made me think, you are now treating men poorly and yet complain how you were treated by them in the past. But you are treating men poorly, so you have NOTHING to complain about how you were treated poorly in the past and you're making it worse by making bitter men.

 

I'm not saying all people do this, but something to think about. There is no reason to carry past angry/bitterness to new relationships or punish people for the mistakes of others.

 

It's called retribution...

[Woggle]

I am glad you mentioned that it happens the other way around, as i've had. And the irony I found? The women who treated me poorly complained about how she had been treated poorly by men in the past. It was incredibly surprising to me, and well made me think, you are now treating men poorly and yet complain how you were treated by them in the past. But you are treating men poorly, so you have NOTHING to complain about how you were treated poorly in the past and you're making it worse by making bitter men.

 

I'm not saying all people do this, but something to think about. There is no reason to carry past angry/bitterness to new relationships or punish people for the mistakes of others.

 

The vicious cycle continues.

[Feelin Frisky]

I don't mean to be heartless but that's a sexist title. And I just wouldn't read on. Many, many women hurt men for sport or power or catty games with their friends and it can be just as devastating to a man as it is a woman. I never engaged in any cruel activity to hurt or even lead on a woman I knew cared for me to get something out of her but I had no interest in her just to be considerate to how that must hurt. But I but have been hurt more than once by catty sports games between young women or a women I was attracted to answering my polite advance with "gimme a break" as if I wasn't worth two cents of god help us. I was even told by some snotty young brats on my job in my early 20's that this girl Michelle liked me and they kept urging me to say something to her. I asked her to the cafeteria and she ate my face off saying she didn't know what kind of shi+ those girls were filling my head with but it wasn't true. But get this, she quit the job without word and never came back. My heart stayed in my mouth for a couple of years before I took another risk--and it was only after I polished myself in all weather to lose the few extra pounds I had at that time. I could start a thread entitled "why do women" do this? But I know not to project my few painful ego-crushing experiences on to the entire female gender. Nothing personal.

[Woggle]

There's a fine line. What works best is going to the edge of being a jerk and back aka hot and cold.

 

What works fine is being yourself and dismissing any woman who shows of being into jerks quickly. Be with somebody who shows with her actions that she truly does want a good man.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am glad you mentioned that it happens the other way around, as i've had. And the irony I found? The women who treated me poorly complained about how she had been treated poorly by men in the past. It was incredibly surprising to me, and well made me think, you are now treating men poorly and yet complain how you were treated by them in the past. But you are treating men poorly, so you have NOTHING to complain about how you were treated poorly in the past and you're making it worse by making bitter men.

 

I'm not saying all people do this, but something to think about. There is no reason to carry past angry/bitterness to new relationships or punish people for the mistakes of others.

 

You are such a swetheart. I would never treat you poorly

[Noproblem]

I don't mean to be heartless but that's a sexist title. And I just wouldn't read on. Many, many women hurt men for sport or power or catty games with their friends and it can be just as devastating to a man as it is a woman. I never engaged in any cruel activity to hurt or even lead on a woman I knew cared for me to get something out of her but I had no interest in her just to be considerate to how that must hurt. But I but have been hurt more than once by catty sports games between young women or a women I was attracted to answering my polite advance with "gimme a break" as if I wasn't worth two cents of god help us. I was even told by some snotty young brats on my job in my early 20's that this girl Michelle liked me and they kept urging me to say something to her. I asked her to the cafeteria and she ate my face off saying she didn't know what kind of shi+ those girls were filling my head with but it wasn't true. But get this, she quit the job without word and never came back. My heart stayed in my mouth for a couple of years before I took another risk--and it was only after I polished myself in all weather to lose the few extra pounds I had at that time. I could start a thread entitled "why do women" do this? But I know not to project my few painful ego-crushing experiences on to the entire female gender. Nothing personal.

 

Maybe that women really liked you but didn't want her feelings to be known!

[suladas]

It's called retribution...

 

The vicious cycle continues.

 

Nope, it stops with me. I refuse to be bitter and angry because of it and not going to treat someone else poorly because of it.

 

Plus I get solace in knowing she will never have a successful relationship without a lot of changes and will likely look back one day and regret what she did. Either way, the best revenge is to find someone else and be happy

 

I just don't understand how some peoples mind works. You get treated like dirt and hurt, but then someone treats you great (even more so because of how you were treated in the past) and you treat them poorly? It makes no sense to me. Granted, the poor treatment was during the BU/after process mostly, it still is a shock to me.

[Woggle]

Nope, it stops with me. I refuse to be bitter and angry because of it and not going to treat someone else poorly because of it.

 

Plus I get solace in knowing she will never have a successful relationship without a lot of changes and will likely look back one day and regret what she did. Either way, the best revenge is to find someone else and be happy

 

I just don't understand how some peoples mind works. You get treated like dirt and hurt, but then someone treats you great (even more so because of how you were treated in the past) and you treat them poorly? It makes no sense to me. Granted, the poor treatment was during the BU/after process mostly, it still is a shock to me.

 

Because some people think that if one individual treats you bad then the entire gender has to pay. Pretty asinine way of dealing with things but sadly all too common.

[SJC2008]

Men do it simply because it works. One myth is that it just world on the bad/dysfunction women. Not true. It works on attractive well adjusted successful women too. What works best is the hot and cold technique.

 

Being nice doesn't work. My colleagues that ignore this end up single and lonely. I warned them.

 

Just becuae they're successful, well adjusted attractive women doesn't mean they didn't grow up with dysfunction. A good education and higher social status doesn't always mean they grew up in "healthy" households. Sure the chances are higher but you know what I mean.

[Woggle]

You can have career success and still be screwed up. Do you know how many Wall St types are drug addicts?

[neveragain34]

I agree with those that say men treat women poorly because the women let them.

[suladas]

You are such a swetheart. I would never treat you poorly

 

Thanks ES, I know you wouldn't you're awesome

[suladas]

Because some people think that if one individual treats you bad then the entire gender has to pay. Pretty asinine way of dealing with things but sadly all too common.

 

Oh yes it is stupid. The thing about my experience was it didn't happen at first, it happened later on. When I first met her as friends she was bitter about her separation still and being cheated on etc, and then actually said how I changed her view on men. Then treated me fine during the relationship. But when it ended that's when it was really bad, and since the BU, even worse. That is why it was really weird to me.

[mortensorchid]

I wish I could just wave a magic wand and then it would all be better for all of us, even those who don't post on this forum and are suffering in silence. But, that's how the world is I guess. We seem to be condemmed to repeat our mistakes in life.

[somedude81]

What is being treated badly? Any examples?

[Poppy fields]

I wish I could just wave a magic wand and then it would all be better for all of us, even those who don't post on this forum and are suffering in silence. But, that's how the world is I guess. We seem to be condemmed to repeat our mistakes in life.

 

That's a sad and defeatist attitude. I like to think we learn from our mistakes, but maybe that is me being too optimistic.