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Living with an invalid ex


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Old 3rd March 2011, 3:39 PM   #16
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You are probably one of the most giving and trusting people that I have had the joy of knowing.
As are you. You are the only person I have met in real life and I know it was just meant to be that way. I shall never forget our time in Boston and our wonderful joint birthday party together! Oh, and your scrumptious spaghetti sauce! And your lovely family!!

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The fact that the niggling voice in your mind hasn't gone away, should make you take pause and reconsider what you can expect and will accept should this relationship continue on.
This is what I am trying to work out now that I am alone and have some time to think.
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We all have "stuff" that we carry around with us, but for most of us, it's just a matter of finding the right person who can live with our "stuff."
How true! I have my own baggage, I know! Now, can I live with his is the question I need to find an answer to!

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What are you willing to give up/let go in order to make things work with him?
As long as he openly communicates with me and respects my boundaries, I am open. I will not allow disrespect and false promises to infect my life.

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What is he willing to compromise on?
Aye, there is the rub!! Although he has made big strides in the right direction, in one night he can blow it all to smithereens and it's back to step one again. Only... I can't forever go five steps forward and ten steps back. He needs to curtail his drinking and his impulses and develop some much needed communication skills.

TBH, I don't know what/ who is most at fault here...
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Last edited by marlena; 3rd March 2011 at 3:43 PM..
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Old 3rd March 2011, 6:33 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by Kamille View Post
Oh Marlena, I'm sorry to hear this.

Now a quazillion questions are flying through my head. Is it possible you both used this issue to keep each other at an emotional distance?
Kamille, I wish this were the only issue. Sadly this is not the case. I was just wondering if this were a case of exploitation (yes, my baggage) or a true spiritual/emotional bond .

I am looking for answers. I want to know what motivates this man.
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Old 4th March 2011, 12:25 AM   #18
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Originally Posted by marlena View Post
His communication skills are zilch.

He also has a drinking problem. There is something very wrong here. I know it. I feel it.

Something I can't quite put my finger on won't allow me to trust him implicitly.
Three red flags. You said them yourself. Get out before you get any deeper. If something that deep is bugging you there is a HUGE problem.
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Old 4th March 2011, 12:39 AM   #19
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Can you live with a relationship that isn't open? When someone conceals aspects of themselves from their partner, how do you propose to get close to them enough to pull down your own wall of distrust? Trust isn't built on secrets.
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Old 4th March 2011, 12:43 AM   #20
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Can you live with a relationship that isn't open? When someone conceals aspects of themselves from their partner, how do you propose to get close to them enough to pull down your own wall of distrust? Trust isn't built on secrets.
I agree with TBF. Since you mentioned the other things about him, I honestly think you should let this go.
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Old 4th March 2011, 12:49 AM   #21
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I agree with TBF. Since you mentioned the other things about him, I honestly think you should let this go.
Hope you don't mind if I temper this a bit, in reference to letting this one go. It depends on whether marlena has a need to be authentic within herself. If it's not integral to her, it won't matter. But if it is, she'll experience a form of cognitive dissonance within herself. It will feel anywhere from a low level buzzing to major discomfort, which she won't be able to put her finger on. And once she does isolate the dissonance, it will feel like a hallelujah moment.
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Old 4th March 2011, 4:07 AM   #22
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Ok, for starters the term 'invalid' is not only inaccurate but also deeply offensive. A person with an impairment has the same validity as anyone else. The same goes for 'wheelchair bound' and 'confined to a wheelchair'. A wheelchair user isn't limited by their wheelchair, the complete opposite infact. The only thing limiting anyone with an impairment is the lack of understanding and acceptance by society.

As for your boyfriend - ten years? He was getting some - just because a person is a wheelchair user doesn't make them any less sexual than anyone else. Either that or he gets off on dominating someone, perceived or otherwise. Maybe that's why her family wanted to her to get away from him.
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Old 4th March 2011, 8:49 AM   #23
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Ok, for starters the term 'invalid' is not only inaccurate but also deeply offensive. A person with an impairment has the same validity as anyone else. The same goes for 'wheelchair bound' and 'confined to a wheelchair'. A wheelchair user isn't limited by their wheelchair, the complete opposite infact. The only thing limiting anyone with an impairment is the lack of understanding and acceptance by society.

As for your boyfriend - ten years? He was getting some - just because a person is a wheelchair user doesn't make them any less sexual than anyone else. Either that or he gets off on dominating someone, perceived or otherwise. Maybe that's why her family wanted to her to get away from him.
I am sorry of I sounded offensive. I did not mean
to. Nor am the type to look down on people with an impairment. I guess I just wasn't PC enough.
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Old 4th March 2011, 8:53 AM   #24
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Three red flags. You said them yourself. Get out before you get any deeper. If something that deep is bugging you there is a HUGE problem.
By far, the major problem is his drinking. That's why I don't trust him. I also think he drinks because he has some major unsolved inner issues. This also makes me weary.
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Old 4th March 2011, 8:56 AM   #25
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Hope you don't mind if I temper this a bit, in reference to letting this one go. It depends on whether marlena has a need to be authentic within herself. If it's not integral to her, it won't matter.

I am always authentic with myself. If anyone never kids herself, it's me. I always fight for what I believe is right. Even if it kills me.
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Old 4th March 2011, 9:05 AM   #26
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Can you live with a relationship that isn't open? When someone conceals aspects of themselves from their partner, how do you propose to get close to them enough to pull down your own wall of distrust? Trust isn't built on secrets.
He opens up in his own good time. Which is as it should be. You can't pry personal information out of someone. He has to be ready to communicate. I have known this person since my teens. He was a good friend many years ago before he moved abroad.

The problem is his drinking. His getting wasted. .He always had a problem with alcohol but now, so many years later, it has escalated.

The relationship was perfect in every other way. The days when he managed to stay sober that is.
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Old 4th March 2011, 9:09 AM   #27
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As for your boyfriend - ten years? He was getting some - just because a person is a wheelchair user doesn't make them any less sexual than anyone else. Either that or he gets off on dominating someone, perceived or otherwise. Maybe that's why her family wanted to her to get away from him.

I totally agree. I also think the relationship was more than just a friendly arrangement.

No, he is not at all the domineering kind.
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Old 6th March 2011, 7:11 AM   #28
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Update:

Thanks everybody for all the good advice. I weighed things and decided that for the time being I will stay for the simple reason that he has so many other redeeming qualities. We'll see if we can conquer this together. If not, you'll most definitely see me on the Breaking Up forum!

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Old 6th March 2011, 10:07 AM   #29
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Originally Posted by marlena View Post
Update:

Thanks everybody for all the good advice. I weighed things and decided that for the time being I will stay for the simple reason that he has so many other redeeming qualities. We'll see if we can conquer this together. If not, you'll most definitely see me on the Breaking Up forum!
Wonderful!

Good luck Marlena!

Hope it all works out and you get to know the girl and she is great and you become friends with her.

And that having your support will enable him not to drink so much.
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Old 6th March 2011, 11:08 AM   #30
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Hi A,

Good to see you! You haven't been around much. Neither have I really with all that's been going on. How are you?

Yes, I decided to stick it out because he is such a sweet and giving man (and handsome, too!). Maybe together we can curb this thing and he can learn to drink more responsibly like most of us.

I would love to meet this woman but she lives in another city,, six hours away, so I doubt it. But, you never know. I know they parted on friendly terms because she does call him every so often on his cell.

Anyway my sweet, thanks for the well wishes! Take care.

XXXX
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