Psychology Question:Why am I attracting a certain kind of man only?

[mclovin]

I've noticed I tend to find guys with the following characteristics, mostly stemed from depression or depression-related things:

 

1. Built-up anger

2. Extreme sadness

3. Social withdraw

4. Lack of interest in sex

5. Social alkwardness

6. Overall somber appearance and attitude

7. Tantrums/violent acts towards things or even others (not me)

 

 

Right now, my boyfriend of 7/8 months is on meds for depression. He only shows characterstics of #1 & 6, otherwise, he claims these characteristics without meds. About a month ago, he started "weening off" his meds and I noticed a real difference in him, as did his boss and co-workers. He became nasty, unpleasant and very angry. He went back on his normal dosage and he seems to be getting back to a better person like before.

 

My ex-H had these characterstics as well. Eventhough their personalities are much different (one was cold and my bf is more clingy/needy).

 

Anyway, I am left wondering why I keep finding these types of guys? I am not described as down, depressed or angry by others. Some even say I have a bit of a sunshine personlity (lol). At times, I have been told I look serious, but hey, who doesn't have that look on their face at times? So, my question is, why do I keep finding depressed, somber and angry men who lack any kind of social skills?

 

What am I doing to find these men? Why is it happening? How can I break this cycle?

 

Licensed psychologists welcome! lol!

[CarrieT]

My immediate reaction would be is that you are a "fixer." You are the type of personality that wishes to help or mother people; you want to take care of the sick or injured. You are drawn to those who are in need as it fulfills a basic desire in yourself to feel wanted or needed because of your nurturing qualities.

[mclovin]

Interesting you should say that.

 

I teach adults with MR/DD and have always helped this population as early as six years of age.

 

But thanks for your response. It was helpful

[carhill]

A good read of the backstory would be helpful and instructive.

 

Sample thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=179994

 

I can say that our psychologist examined my wife's and my childhoods for clues to our personality and attraction characteristics. IMO, spending some time examining these issues with a clinical psychologist would bear fruit. It sure opened my eyes.

[2sure]

Its a good question, and with hindsight - easy to answer. But not easy to fix.

 

Its VERY common for a woman to keep being attracted to relationships with the same type of man. Abusive, depressed, bad boys, etc etc. Pick your poison. After several relationships with the same type of person...the woman (or man) says to herself...WHY does this pattern keep repeating?? Why am not attracted to "normal" men?? Why am I not attractive to normal men??

 

The thing is this. You have heard possibly the cliché that goes something like you will keep repeating life's lessons until you learn you them?? Well, in my experience - and I have had plenty - this is completely true.

 

Recognizing the pattern is HUGE.

Now the hard part of the lesson. It isnt them honey...its YOU.

For some reason, probably low self esteem in some form - you are attracted to the type of man you feel you deserve. And the same goes for the men who are attracted to you. Some of it is habit - meeting people with whom we have similar dysfunctions or people with behaviors (good and bad) we are so familiar with...that we immediately feel comfortable in their presence. (Like being OK dating someone who yelled a lot because your last BF conditioned you to it).

 

You have to raise the bar. Raise the bar not for the men you date...but for yourself. The rest will follow.

 

This is hindsight.

[loser101]

I read your threads about the break-up, didn't realise your ex had to be on medication. I thought his reactions to the break-up were normal, considering he is only 21.

 

I had to face this attraction issue as well recently. My father was the very silent type that walked out on us when I was 7 without a word and I am at pains not to date anyone that has intimacy and communication issues. Occasionally one slips through the net but I try to pick those that seem straight-up and comfortable with voicing whatever it is that's in their head.

 

However, focusing on this and going for more outgoing men resulted in my dating manic depressives that I met while they were on their 'up' ie men that seemed really positive, friendly, chatty, very communicative... only to find out shortly that when they came down it was terrible.

 

Now my mission is to find stability.

 

What I am trying to say is that maybe you are looking for a certain quality in a man to such an extreme that you only find it in those that are unstable. maybe you want men that will depend on you for example because you want him to need you.

[WineCountry]

 

Recognizing the pattern is HUGE.

Now the hard part of the lesson. It isnt them honey...its YOU.

For some reason, probably low self esteem in some form - you are attracted to the type of man you feel you deserve. And the same goes for the men who are attracted to you. Some of it is habit - meeting people with whom we have similar dysfunctions or people with behaviors (good and bad) we are so familiar with...that we immediately feel comfortable in their presence. (Like being OK dating someone who yelled a lot because your last BF conditioned you to it).

 

You have to raise the bar. Raise the bar not for the men you date...but for yourself. The rest will follow.

 

This is hindsight.

 

I tell you, I have asked myself the same questions as the OP, as I tend to meet up with certain "types" of men at times. I have also come to the same answer that was given here. It's just putting it to use now.