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Am I being unreasonable? anyone?


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Old 3rd July 2017, 1:03 PM   #16
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Then this is what you should do. My ex and I have 50/50 custody and our schedule is this: I have them very Monday and Tuesday nights, and has them every Wednesday and Thursday nights. We alternate weekends. So, I got my kids "back" on Friday, and I'll have them through Wednesday. Then he will have them Wednesday night through the following Monday.

What do your kids do during the summer as far as childcare goes?
During the summer, my ex and I sit down and arrange times and dates and we split the holidays as much as possible.

So with your ex having them two weeknights, if you don't mind my asking, does he work during the day too? Does he have them overnight and do school run in the morning? Or just for a few hours in the evening?
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Old 3rd July 2017, 4:12 PM   #17
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During the summer, my ex and I sit down and arrange times and dates and we split the holidays as much as possible.

So with your ex having them two weeknights, if you don't mind my asking, does he work during the day too? Does he have them overnight and do school run in the morning? Or just for a few hours in the evening?
My boyfriend has his son in the evening, and he absolutely works full time. He picks his son up after work and delivers him to school the next morning. they do an alternating Monday and Wednesday, Tuesday and Thursday split. I personally like the Monday and Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday plan better because the kids don't go back and forth as much. It can definitely be done. And, you should do it - if your work hours will allow some flexibility.

Last edited by BaileyB; 3rd July 2017 at 4:22 PM..
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Old 3rd July 2017, 4:28 PM   #18
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On the one hand, I don't blame your ex for not wanting to "babysit" while you go on dates. And the assumption is that if you only have the kids part time you should never need to get babysitting. But for any normal couple or full time single parent getting a babysitter, whether it's friends, family or a paid one is a reasonable solution. Maybe that is the occasional answer?

Given that your kids are in school, your custody arrangement doesn't leave your ex much time with the kids, I'm surprised though that she isn't jumping at the chance to have some weekend time with the kids. But hey, you've got the kind of custody many parents would dream of!
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Old 3rd July 2017, 4:39 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by xxjustinukxx View Post
During the summer, my ex and I sit down and arrange times and dates and we split the holidays as much as possible.

So with your ex having them two weeknights, if you don't mind my asking, does he work during the day too? Does he have them overnight and do school run in the morning? Or just for a few hours in the evening?
They sleep over. He would do the school run, but he leaves for work before 5AM. My kids are teens now, so they are fine to be alone and I drive over to his house and pick them up for school. (They could ride the bus but if I pick them up I get to see them, and I am self employed with a flexible schedule). When they were younger, he was not single for very long after our divorce and he got married, so his wife would be there in the morning. Then he got divorced but now she's his girlfriend again so sometimes when she is staying over, she will handle morning duties.

If you don't have to leave for work before they have to be to wherever they go, you can do it!
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Old 3rd July 2017, 4:42 PM   #20
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On the one hand, I don't blame your ex for not wanting to "babysit" while you go on dates. And the assumption is that if you only have the kids part time you should never need to get babysitting. But for any normal couple or full time single parent getting a babysitter, whether it's friends, family or a paid one is a reasonable solution. Maybe that is the occasional answer?

Given that your kids are in school, your custody arrangement doesn't leave your ex much time with the kids, I'm surprised though that she isn't jumping at the chance to have some weekend time with the kids. But hey, you've got the kind of custody many parents would dream of!
I guess, if you want no adult time on the weekends. I always cherished my weekends with the kids, and my weekends without . And not even just for dating reasons! Girls weekends, sleeping in, not having to entertain kids all weekend, getting stuff done, etc.
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Old 3rd July 2017, 5:01 PM   #21
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OP: How often were you able to get your ex or someone else to watch your kids when you were dating? I just can't imagine many women who can never see you during the weekend would stick around for 6 months.
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Old 3rd July 2017, 5:02 PM   #22
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Perhaps I'm just cynical, but I read the OP's posts and got the sense that his ex is being rigid on altering the schedule because doing so would make it easier for the OP to do normal weekend couple things.

Even though people are glossing over it, I think it's telling that this is a person who carried on a two-year affair with her husband's best friend. That alone suggests she's not above putting her wants and desires above all else.

A relationship can blossom without getting together on the weekends, but it seems unreasonable that there can never be a modification to this custody arrangement. I assume she goes out on the weekends once in a while. Why are you not allowed to?

Like I said, maybe I'm just cynical, but my takeaway is that the OP's ex is a bit of a selfish person who still wants to control her ex-husband's love life, even though it sounds like she was more responsible for the divorce.
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Old 3rd July 2017, 5:09 PM   #23
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Perhaps I'm just cynical, but I read the OP's posts and got the sense that his ex is being rigid on altering the schedule because doing so would make it easier for the OP to do normal weekend couple things.

Even though people are glossing over it, I think it's telling that this is a person who carried on a two-year affair with her husband's best friend. That alone suggests she's not above putting her wants and desires above all else.

A relationship can blossom without getting together on the weekends, but it seems unreasonable that there can never be a modification to this custody arrangement. I assume she goes out on the weekends once in a while. Why are you not allowed to?

Like I said, maybe I'm just cynical, but my takeaway is that the OP's ex is a bit of a selfish person who still wants to control her ex-husband's love life, even though it sounds like she was more responsible for the divorce.
Actually, maybe I'm cynical too, but I read into it that she wants all of HER weekends kid-free .
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Old 3rd July 2017, 5:13 PM   #24
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Actually, maybe I'm cynical too, but I read into it that she wants all of HER weekends kid-free .
Oh, I definitely think that's part of it, but I wouldn't rule out that her rigidness on the matter is also to make it more difficult for her ex to establish a new relationship.

It's not uncommon for cheaters to still want their exes to struggle with new relationships.
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Old 3rd July 2017, 9:31 PM   #25
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Actually, maybe I'm cynical too, but I read into it that she wants all of HER weekends kid-free .
Certainly my take as well. Either she enjoying her kid-free weekends or she wants to sabotage any potential new relationships for OP. Either way, it's not good.
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Old 5th July 2017, 5:07 PM   #26
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My guess is you ended up wanting weekends because of your prior work schedule. Am I wrong? Didn't see how you'd keep them and work through the week?

As far as renegotiation, it's fine to try, but just realize she's organized her entire life around this existing schedule and is making it work, and it's unfair to ask her to have to regorganize her whole life to accommodate you or to ask her to take an additional day with the kids unless she wants an additional day, which she might, but if you've fought about it before, maybe not.


But the good thing is also realize that not everyone works a M-F job. I've only had one M-F job in my entire life and it wasn't really because there were so many extracurricular duties at all hours. Lots of people have one or two days off through the week -- or no days off or if their only day off is Sunday they're too busy to do more than go buy groceries and run errands anyway. I don't think it's going to be a big issue with everyone, although holidays can be a sticking point once you are in a new relationship, so be sure you divide those up so if you meet someone you can either do TG or Christmas with their family at least.

Good luck. I agree with the six-month rule.
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Old 5th July 2017, 7:36 PM   #27
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What mother wouldn't want to have her children for a weekend now and again? If I'm reading it correctly, she never has them on the weekend, and is unwilling to bend on that.

At the age these kids are at, the average week is probably go, go, go. The weekend is likely the only period you could spend some real quality time and do things with them. So why would a parent not want to do that at all?

Sorry, something doesn't add up. This woman had an affair, the ultimate betrayal, and with the OP's best friend, no less. Add in that it doesn't seem like she's interested in having her children on the days when they'd actually be around for more than a few hours, and, I dunno, I get the picture of a selfish woman who may be also trying to obstruct the OP's search for a partner.
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Old 6th July 2017, 7:18 AM   #28
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Exactly, what mother wouldn't want to see her children in some weekends when they can spend quality time together?

And, she may have "organized her life around this schedule" but as a parent, things change and you must be flexible and available for your children when they need you. She can organize her life around a different schedule next year... I don't have much sympathy for this woman. I don't think requesting a change in the agreement is unreasonable at all.
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Old 6th July 2017, 7:33 AM   #29
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... This woman had an affair, the ultimate betrayal, and with the OP's best friend, no less....
irrelevant, they have been divorced for NINE YEARS.

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I get the picture of a selfish woman who may be also trying to obstruct the OP's search for a partner.
how so? why is she selfish when he is now only asking because it is interfering with his love life (a/k/a putting himself in front of the kids). how about him asking then we can discuss based on her response.

these posts always confound me. what's the worst that can happen if you ask? she says 'no' and you continue as is. there is nothing wrong with asking. failing that, OP, what would you do if you were still married? yep, get a babysitter for a couple of hours.

op, i suggest you ignore the why and simply state: 'i would like to change the visitation to ------'. when she asks why, say 'i though maybe you would like a weekend from time to time'.
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Old 6th July 2017, 9:06 AM   #30
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irrelevant, they have been divorced for NINE YEARS.
It's not irrelevant. Time passing doesn't erase that the OP's ex-wife was deceiving her then-husband and jeopardizing the familial unit all in the name of her own interests. It establishes that she's perfectly capable of extremely selfish behavior.

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how so? why is she selfish when he is now only asking because it is interfering with his love life (a/k/a putting himself in front of the kids). how about him asking then we can discuss based on her response.
He mentioned that any time he's asked to alter the schedule on a one-off basis, he's been chided about how he "has enough time to socialize during the week," and says that it becomes a "nightmare."

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op, i suggest you ignore the why and simply state: 'i would like to change the visitation to ------'. when she asks why, say 'i though maybe you would like a weekend from time to time'.
I agree he should propose the idea, but I think it's strange that a mother even needs to have it suggested to her that she might enjoy spending an occasional weekend with her own kids.
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