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White middle class mother concerned over daughter dating black boys


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Old 25th August 2004, 12:56 PM   #1
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White middle class mother concerned over daughter dating black boys

We have a middle class white family. I have raised my two kids by myself, for most of thier lives. My son is 14 and my daughter is 11. I recently married a man with three grown daughters. They all have been into dating "black" guys. Two daughters have children by black men.

Going into the relationship i felt pretty open minded about the issue and tried to be supportive. My concern now is with my own daughter. I do not believe in interacial relationships and do not want my daughter thinking it is okay to do.

She is beginning to show signs, the cloths she wants to wear, the music she listened to, all her girlfriends are black (i don't have a problem with that alone) and she defends her older sisters and the choice they are making in thier lives. I am afraid the sisters will encourage her and teach her its okay to date black men.

I feel like I entered into a relationship which will by nature of its design, cause my daughter to have the wrong examples in life. I love husband and my step daughters and grandchildren and do not want to hurt thier feeling. I also don't want my daughter making the same mistakes they have made.

I am know presented with a situation where one of the girls and her child need a place to live. My husband says he has to let her live with him, its his daughter. I don't want her to live with us for several reason, but mostly the exposure my daughter will have with her concerns me.

I just don't know what to do. Any advise would be great.
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Old 25th August 2004, 1:06 PM   #2
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I am afraid the sisters will encourage her and teach her its okay to date black men.
Can you tell me why (in your opinion) it is not okay? It would be helpful to know while coming up with a response.

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I also don't want my daughter making the same mistakes they have made.
If you mean having children at a young age, and then rasing them alone, I can understand. But, again, why is it a mistake to date a black man?

Also, she's eleven. Are you going to let her date a white guy at eleven?

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Old 25th August 2004, 1:11 PM   #3
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Oh boy......I hope I don't offend you, I'll try not to be so blunt.....

You don't believe in interracial relationships......I don't believe that there is a difference in races.....I say tomato, you say tomato.....we are all equal, no whites, no blacks, no asians, so on and so forth.

Why are you so against it? How old is your daughter? What do you feel are the dangers in it? Do you think that with a black husband he won't provide for her as well? How would you feel if your husband ethnics prohibited or was against or didn't believe in a relationship with your race?

I'm German/Italian, my wife is English/Irish......should we be together? Just because our skin is the same color doesn't mean we are the same race.

Don't get me wrong....you're entitled to believe what you wish. But so does your daughter. She's an individual. She's not obligated to have the same beliefs as you do. You may think she does, but you'll be fighting a losing battle and believe it or not, the more you try to push her away from it, the more she's going to run towards it.

It's not wrong to date black men, I wouldn't care at all if my daughters were in love with a black man. My daughter's happiness is more important and takes premise over my personal feelings.

These are just my opinions. If you don't want your daughter to date black men, then you should be able to present her with VALID reasons why you think it's so wrong. I myself can't come up with anything....so I guess I'm no help at all except to tell you that unless you do have valid points and prove why it's so damaging to her then you're at a loss. And also, be careful how you present them or she'll do it to spite you.

Good Luck
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Old 25th August 2004, 1:16 PM   #4
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Hrmmm

Well, you can influence who she likes, but ultimately, she will form her own opinions about people of other races, and the world in general.

You cannot force her to date a white boy, and you really can't keep her from dating black boys, if that's who she chooses to date, when she's older.

Also, like DA, I am wondering why you think it is wrong to date people of other races.

My uncle Beau is black, and he and my aunt are happy, and have two kids. Our family, though traditional, has more then accepted Beau, who has carried my aunt through bad times, in good, etc. He is an excellent husband and provider.

I don't think that she could have done better with any other man of any other color. I think that my aunt Pam and uncle Beau are soul mates.
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Just because our skin is the same color doesn't mean we are the same race.
Although I desperately want to go on a tangent about this, I can't even say how true this is. Back in the 1950's or so they made this movie about a black woman who was so light skinned she passed for a white woman.

Is it the RACE you dislike so much, or is it the color of the skin?

For example, would you let your daughter date someone who is Middle Eastern? They are not white. Would you let your daughter date an asian man? They also are people of color.
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Old 25th August 2004, 1:17 PM   #5
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Whatever your reasons - they are yours. I would suggest that you sit down with your daughter and explain your feelings and why you believe interracial dating and marriage is wrong. Whatever culture you are, your background, church, community, etc. that led you to your beliefs should be discussed with her. The world is changing and the belief system that you grew up with is not the same one that she is experiencing every day in her school and with her friends. What used to be thought of as a 'black only' culture (rap music, dress style, slang language, etc.) is rapidly being adopted by white kids all across the country -- and the world. That has been going on for a while. Whether your differences are racial or cultural or both, you need to discuss them separately with her.

Listen to your daughter and her reasons for believing there is nothing wrong with it and respond to her concerns--don't just tell her, listen to her and discuss it with her. You do the same thing with the discussions about not smoking, not doing drugs, not having sex until she's ready, and taking precautions when she is ready, and what sex should be between two people. So do the same thing with your concerns about interracial dating.

Be prepared though, that kids often do the opposit of what their parents tell them. I guarantee you that she has been exposed to mixed-couples before you ever got married and before she ever met her step-sisters.
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Old 25th August 2004, 1:24 PM   #6
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I guarantee you that she has been exposed to mixed-couples before you ever got married and before she ever met her step-sisters.
I agree.

svw, when you say "interracial" do you really mean "intercolorial"? You know what I'm getting at.

-DA
 
Old 25th August 2004, 1:27 PM   #7
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I do not believe in interracial relationships. Its a very fine line to draw whether it is a "black" thing or just simply the "thug" like attidude and way of living. I fully understand the same "type" of boy can be find in both races. I was raised in a middle class, very diverse town where my friends where of all races, not just black. I do not want to promote or encourage being prejudice, which i feel i am being, however when it's "your daughter" your feeling become different. When I say, "its not okay" i am refering to all aspects of their life, including dating a black man. With race aside they are worthless not only as a boyfriend, but fathers as well.

And no, i do not expect my daughter to date at 11, black or white. If it was up to me she'd be 18 before its allowed. I know the reality of raising a daughter is she will want to date and at the approriate age. I want her foundation to be layed long before she reaches that age. As a parent I feel responsable for laying that foundation.
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Old 25th August 2004, 1:34 PM   #8
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I think you need to teach your daughter to look for a good man, who will form a partnership with her, and work to make a family, and take care of children. (If this is what she wants to do, maybe she would prefer to have her life be more career oriented.)

I think you could be any color and be a good man, and alternatively you can be any color and be a bad man. Maybe you should clarify what characterisitics are good to look for in a boyfriend.
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Old 25th August 2004, 1:35 PM   #9
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Let me ask you this, if you knew that your daughter was contemplating dating 2 different guys, one was black and the other was white. Somehow you found out that the white one had a history of being abusive of his partners, smoked marijuana and had ever intention of bedding your daughter on the 1st date. Fellow no. 2, is black, from a good family that you know, has been your daughters friend for some time and has always been respectful of you. Which would you choose, say if they were the only ones you could ultimately choose from.

The 1st thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it tell a child that they absolutely can not do something and they will turn around and do it. So saying it out right will not work.

What may work is to have an honest talk with her about your own preferences and why you have them. Are there vailid reasons beyond skin color behind your disapproval of her other sisters choices in men.

Most important regardless of color dont lose sight of the most important thing here. Teaching a young lady to love and respect herself 1st, giving her instruction that she has the power to choose and to choose wisely someone of good character, who will treat her with respect.

Lastly one thing most young folks totally lose sight of, is the fact that they are young, to value friendships long lasting ones, before overrated overhyped romances. To take their time before moving into romantic relationships in the 1st place. To enjoy their youth.
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Old 25th August 2004, 1:36 PM   #10
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I think by telling her it's not o.k. she will do it most teens do in the mean time you are giving her the impresion that your grand children her now neice/nephew are "Not approiate" for your standards.
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Old 25th August 2004, 1:39 PM   #11
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Exclamation Deliberately inflamatory

[color=red]
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When I say, "its not okay" i am refering to all aspects of their life, including dating a black man. With race aside they are worthless not only as a boyfriend, but fathers as well.
[/color] I can't believe anyone in this country, as liberated as we say we are, would post something so deliberately inflamatory. It's amazing to me that people still think this way. Back in the 1960s I would not have been suprised, because you sound just like my grandmother.

However, the year is 2004, in case you weren't aware, and all races are to be considered equal. Every race has its problems and predjudices.

I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I will not help you further yours by telling you how to approach your daughter.

I personally do not wish you luck in your endevors to promost this gross attitude of racism.

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Old 25th August 2004, 1:42 PM   #12
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When I say, "its not okay" i am refering to all aspects of their life, including dating a black man. With race aside they are worthless not only as a boyfriend, but fathers as well.
They are huh????? I'm sorry....!! How would you feel if you had all of a sudden fell ill, and you needed emergency surgery for example....the only qualified surgeon is a black man or woman. Would you rather die than to have this black person perform surgery on you?

You are not being fair to black men as a whole at all. "With race aside they are worthless...."??????? What????? Oh MY!!!! That sentence contradicts itself....if it's not the race, then WHAT IS IT????

Granted, there are some who are, "Thugs"....but excuse me if I'm wrong.....but, there are just as many if not more white gangs and law breakers out there.

If I were a black man, I would take great offense to what you said, I'm a white man and I take HUGE OFFENSE to it.

You are entitled to your thoughts.....but these aren't valid.....not all black men are thugs....they are pioneers, surgeons, lawyers, fathers, brothers, uncles....they are no different than you or I, they are a productive member of society.....I feel sorry for the way your heart has been hardened towards them......man, I can only pray for you.

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Old 25th August 2004, 1:43 PM   #13
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Angry I was wondering when someone else was going to catch that

Well, once again Moose, we are on the same page. Who'd a thunk it?
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Old 25th August 2004, 1:45 PM   #14
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hmmmm...I know a couple of white men that are useless as fathers....my 2 exhusbands...who provide absolutely no support for their childen. duhh....I'm confused.....NOT!!!
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Old 25th August 2004, 1:47 PM   #15
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When I say, "its not okay" i am refering to all aspects of their life, including dating a black man. With race aside they are worthless not only as a boyfriend, but fathers as well.
No person is worthless, especially when only based on their race and nothing more.
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