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! My son won't stop lying.


Parkka

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So my 8 year old son has an issue with lying. It's been something that's happening over a year but more often recently then in the past. It's not anything horrible, but little lies like lying about having homework or not finishing all his food at dinner. I have him in counseling and he loves his counselor. I've asked her about it and she says its normal, but I disagree. I don't know why he's lying or how to stop it. I've talked to him about why it's not ok to lie and explained trust to him and have "punished" him for lying like taking away a game system and not letting him watch tv or play with friends because he's lied but nothing seems to be working. Have any of you dealt with this with your children or have any advice that might help me out? He is my first born and I have spoiled him and like everyone always says the first one is the one you make all your mistakes on but I don't know what to do!? Thanks in advance!

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The only thing he will understand at this point is consequences. Until the consequences become more painful, he won't stop - he gets some kind of benefit from lying. Make it too costly.

 

"You lied about hitting your brother. You can clean up his toys, for hitting him. But you will lose the computer tonight for lying."

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Reinforce his positive behaviors. Either you understand and accept normal child development standards or you don't. Why are you having a professional whom you doubt and disagree with treat your child?

 

Some lying at his age is normal. Some children tell lies for attention. Some children lie because they observe and learn to tell lies.

 

Reinforcing negative behavior, lying, will not extinguish the behavior.

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We seek out that which gives us pleasure and we avoid that which causes us pain. Therefore, the two-pronged approach should work.

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I'd listen to the counselor.

 

If lying is normal at his age (and it is), try to understand when and why he is lying, and avoid the situation altogether. Make direct statements instead of asking questions: "I see you haven't finished your dinner." Set him up for success by letting him know it is ok not to finish his dinner.

 

I'd ignore the lie, and deal with the real issue: dinner, homework, etc. If the lying is normal (as the counselor who knows him says it is), it will likely resolve itself with maturity and better coping skills.

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Thanks xxoo! And everyone else for your helpful advice. I keep my child going to the counselor because she's great and the only I e my son will talk and open up to. But I will try some of your suggestions and I appreciate the help!

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Some pretty common parental errors would be that parents can perceive their children as extensions of themselves, so they set the bar too high, not realizing that in doing so, they set the child up for failure. If a child fails enough where they earn disapproval each time, some start to lie to garner approval, where others just quit, believing themselves incompetent or stupid.

 

When setting bars for children, make sure you tailor them to the capabilities of the individual child so they're guaranteed to reach those bars with a little work. Each time they succeed, teach them more to keep their brains working and enjoying knowledge, then offer them a new challenge.

 

Childhood isn't called foundational years for no reason. Set your child up to succeed, not to fail.

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Do you eat with your child or help him with his homework?

 

If its possible to do so, when you are eating with him you're there to see whether he is actually eating, as well as spending good quality time with him. Likewise with the homework. I don't have school aged children yet, but I would have thought eight year olds needed a bit of help/ supervision with homework.

Once he's done his homework maybe you could do something fun together like play a quick game or something so he see the benefits of getting his work done, and that you want to spend time with him doing fun stuff as well as the not as much fin stuff.

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Does he have any other issues? Or did you feel his lying was that bad you needed to bring him to a therapist?

 

Most kids, especially boys, lie at that age. OMG, my neighbours son used to tell WHOPPING lies. He did it so well - He'd look you in the eye and be so convincing. She ignored it and didn't react unless it was major. Dinner she let go (he lied about that) but anything with homework (she'd check it and sign it = An agreement the she and the teacher came up with, ANY bring home assignments would have to be signed by both parents). Maybe it's something to talk about with his teacher, arrange signatures, this way he can't lie. And let the teacher any suggestions she/he has would be great!

 

He isn't a bad kid, he's normal. Love him, and make sure HE knows this daily!

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So my 8 year old son has an issue with lying. It's been something that's happening over a year but more often recently then in the past. It's not anything horrible, but little lies like lying about having homework or not finishing all his food at dinner. I have him in counseling and he loves his counselor. I've asked her about it and she says its normal, but I disagree. I don't know why he's lying or how to stop it. I've talked to him about why it's not ok to lie and explained trust to him and have "punished" him for lying like taking away a game system and not letting him watch tv or play with friends because he's lied but nothing seems to be working. Have any of you dealt with this with your children or have any advice that might help me out? He is my first born and I have spoiled him and like everyone always says the first one is the one you make all your mistakes on but I don't know what to do!? Thanks in advance!

 

Since he is a boy and boys need strong male role models, let his Dad, your husband, handle the discipline.

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Since he is a boy and boys need strong male role models, let his Dad, your husband, handle the discipline.

 

We don't even know if his dad lives with his mum.

 

The most effective discipline comes from united parents.

Leaving it all to one parent isn't fair and is often counterproductive.

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We don't even know if his dad lives with his mum.

 

The most effective discipline comes from united parents.

Leaving it all to one parent isn't fair and is often counterproductive.

 

Very true. And if the kid is smart, he'll manipulate (they ALL try to!) and try to pin the parents against each other. Good cop/bad cop doesn't work either. Consistant and fair, follow through consquences that actually happen with loving encouragement goes a long way. ;)

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We don't even know if his dad lives with his mum.

 

 

Yes it's a big mystery isn't it? No mention of "the father" or even "a father" in the original post, now that you mention it.

 

 

The most effective discipline comes from united parents.

 

I agree.

 

 

 

Leaving it all to one parent isn't fair and is often counterproductive.

 

I agree, which is why I previously said the father should be involved.

 

Assuming there is a father, of course.

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Very true. And if the kid is smart, he'll manipulate (they ALL try to!) and try to pin the parents against each other. Good cop/bad cop doesn't work either.

 

If they all try to then it's a function of the situation--a broken family--not the child.

 

 

 

Consistant and fair, follow through consquences that actually happen with loving encouragement goes a long way. ;)

 

It's difficult to send a message of consistency and fairness if the child feels that being deprived of an intact two parent family home is unfair to begin with.

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Do you eat with your child or help him with his homework?

 

If its possible to do so, when you are eating with him you're there to see whether he is actually eating, as well as spending good quality time with him. Likewise with the homework. I don't have school aged children yet, but I would have thought eight year olds needed a bit of help/ supervision with homework.

Once he's done his homework maybe you could do something fun together like play a quick game or something so he see the benefits of getting his work done, and that you want to spend time with him doing fun stuff as well as the not as much fin stuff.

 

I do sit and eat with him and my other 2 kids I also look through his bag a sign his papers every night. We play all kinda of board games together not to mention spend a lot of time out at my grandparents taking care of their farm. We are very close.

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My husband is involved we have both been dealing with this together. I was just looking for some advice and to see if anyone else had dealt with this situation not to be judged or people to assume we aren't doing the "right" things.

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When my daughter was the same age as your son, she had a friend who told lies. Whoppers. And she was only little so even my daughter knew they were lies. We talked about her friends problem.

 

Then I noticed her doing it. Small things, like about brushing her teeth or homework, or exaggerations. When she came to me with a true story about winning a race in gym....I said, gee I'm sorry. I can't be excited for you because I just don't know if that's a true story or a lie since you've been dishonest lately.

 

She wasn't happy about that. I dont know if I would use this approach for every kid, but it worked for mine.

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I saw this video the other day and remembered you. :)

 

I know your son is older than the boy in the video, but you're definitely not alone.

 

Why did you originally put your son in counselling? For lying? I think family counselling would be better than individual counselling for your son. He's just a kid, and most likely didn't create his "issues" in a vacuum.

 

I'm glad you care about him so much, and are looking to do whatever it takes to help him :)

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Kids do lie, and it is normal. The more you impose "punishments" for lying, the worse their lies will become to avoid punishment.

 

A child will learn honesty in an environment that balances fairness in conjunction with accountability.

 

A consequence should make sense to a kid. At a young age, kids react to a perceived reaction from a parent when it comes to being honest or not.

 

By sending a child to a therapist for lying, you're teaching that child that he is the problem, not accepting that it's a collective problem that includes how you approach parenting.

 

Consequences should be natural and make sense to a child. Otherwise, they will learn to lie at all costs to avoid punishments that are just plain confusing to them.

 

If a kid spills milk or makes a mess and you react with anger- the child will learn to lie to dissipate your anger. If you react with openness to what they did and ask for an acceptable solution that doesn't involve anger or judgement ("Hey, I think you spilled some milk, and I'm not mad, but you should help me clean it up")- they will learn a healthy sense of accountability.

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My son started counseling a few years ago because of a different issue. Not because of lying. He does goto a kids/ family counselor and he loves it! He gets to go spend time with someone he likes and she is a great person and plays games with him and he truly enjoys it. I am very understanding if my kids break something or spill something I don't so much mind if they did it accidentally I just say no big deal and ask them to help me clean it up. If they break/ spill something because they were horsing around I just tell them that's why I don't want them do "whatever" it was they were doing that needed there attention. For example one of my boys tickling the other one while their pouring a drink and it gets spilled. I tell them see that why you have to pay attention and not mess with each other while your trying to pour into a cup. Ect... It's not a high pressure environment they live in I allow them to be kids. My other 2 kids don't lie. Just my oldest. But I do appreciate all the help and suggestions.

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Parkka, how can anyone provide advice to you if you continue concealing all the issues and details? Without the complete picture, it's like shooting randomly into the sky, hoping one day a duck or goose will fly into your bullet.

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Parkka, how can anyone provide advice to you if you continue concealing all the issues and details? Without the complete picture, it's like shooting randomly into the sky, hoping one day a duck or goose will fly into your bullet.

 

What specific details would you like to know?? I told you all the details there's nothing else going on...I'm not hiding anything

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