In-laws are overbearing and controlling

[lora22]

Disclaimer: mostly I'm here to vent and this will probably be a long post. I know the solution is to set boundaries. We've been married about 1.5 years, and since then some boundaries have been set by my husband, but his parents continuously ignore them and he continuously does his best to set them. So, here comes the venting.

 

Mostly I am 90% happy with the boundaries my husband and I have agreed on, but every once in awhile there is a specific situation that triggers all my old resentments and annoyance and to be perfectly honest I really dislike them sometimes when these things happen.

 

I invited H's parents over to our house for dinner the other day. They came an hour early (rude - they think we don't have anything to do except spend time with them...that's another rant though). The nagging started immediately, but it was a very low level, so mostly I brushed it off and pretended that it wasn't happening. However, it got progressively worse throughout the entire night. It was incessant and even aggressive at some points. My FIL actually started getting a tone with me at one point on something that he just would not let go, despite H telling him to stop because he was being way too intense. They were nagging us about our house and my husband's car to the point where it actually seemed to me that they were being possessive, and acting like we were mistreating or neglecting their property.

 

One specific thing was said that was not nagging, but I thought was a little inappropriate and irritated me. MIL started to help clear the table after dinner, and I told her to have a seat because she was a guest and I would clean up. FIL started laughing and said "She's not a guest, she half owns this house."

 

The other thing that really pissed me off about the night is not only did they come over early, then they wouldn't leave!! After dinner, FIL turned on our tv and started watching a boxing match. He is the only person who enjoys boxing. So, eventually it was getting late and we wanted them to leave. First, I made coffee, which is the universal sign for "it's time for you to leave". When that didn't work, I started cleaning up the kitchen and doing the dishes. When all that was done H started talking about how early we have to get up in the morning. He told his parents that we go to bed at a specific time that was in about 15 minutes. That didn't work either. I took out the trash. We went upstairs to make our bed, and so on. Throughout all of this, we kept talking about how we were going to bed. Finally, his dad said that that was fine, that they would turn off the lights and lock up after themselves when they left!! They RARELY come to our house, and before H met me his parents NEVER came over, and they should not feel comfortable suggesting that or doing that.

 

After a few days I asked my husband a couple questions about it. Specifically, I asked if his parents had given him money for a downpayment or something on the house. H bought the house a decade ago, before we ever knew each other, but I know that they are not on the mortgage or the deed. It came out that his parents had given his sister a gift of $50k for something, and they felt bad to not do the same for him, so they gave him $50k toward the downpayment on the house. We live in an $800k house, and have an enormous chunk of equity in it, but apparently giving him $50k AS A GIFT THAT HE CHOSE TO USE TOWARD A DOWNPAYMENT entitles them to 50% of our house, and the right to act like complete jackasses. I know for a fact they don't act like that at their daughter's house (whose husband owns it, won't put anything in her name, and won't let her pay a cent toward the mortgage or any of the household bills).

 

I want to write them a check for $50k but H won't let me, because they wouldn't accept it (I know he's right), and on top of that they would be insulted. Plus, H didn't say this, but I suspect that they would never give up the feeling of control and entitlement that that $50k gift gives them.

 

OK, I'm done.

[Keenly]

You have to stand up to them, as one. You can not be divided when you do it.

[Radu]

They view your home [you and your husband's] as their home because of that downpayment.

They don't act this way with his sister because that guy most likely asserts himself and they know they own nothing there, they are on someone else's property.

 

Do you know who acts this way ?

Dogs.

Pack animals.

Lowly beasts.

That's what they are, your in-laws are the kind of ppl who are constantly aware of who holds the power and for them power means rights to assets.

I'm pretty sure that you have noticed by now that they put some level of respect on wealth, and they give respect over that.

 

As for the 50k downpayment there are 2 aspects :

- if it was a looooong time ago, legally i bet it has become a debt that they cannot claim [by suing him for the money i mean] ... i don't know the english term for this

- in most countries, where one party does not want to receive the payment for something [like repaying a loan] because they either want your asset with which you guaranteed [money lenders here are known to do this ... 5k euro loan on a 50k euro apartment, and they make themselves scarce when payment day arrives, then they claim the apartment] or because it better suits them, there are legal ways for the payment still to be put at their disposal. Over here you can go to a Courthouse and deposit it there [for the apartment example above].

You could check with a lawyer to see if there is a similar provision in your law system, and then make them aware of the payment being done [add interest because they sure as hell will draw your attention to it if they can].

If they choose to not claim it, that's their problem, not yours.

 

What your FIL said at the dinner table about owning half the house, is how they view things ... they think you are dependent on them, they feel like they have a position of power and they seem like the kind of ppl who will abuse a position of power [i have a suspicion they are quite wealthy ... many of those like them are like that].

[CC12]

I know the solution is to set boundaries.

 

This is correct, but you also have to do your part in establishing boundaries. Yeah, a lot of this is stuff your husband should deal with on his own, but you live in that house. That's your home. You can tell them they've arrived too early or are staying too late

 

Your husband should tell them that dinner starts at 7 and ends at 9 and to please not be early. If they show up early, answer the door and say, "Oh, hi! You came early! Sorry, but we're not ready for guests yet. There's a great bookstore down the street, can you wait there until 7? Thanks."

 

If they won't leave when they should, yawn and say, "Thank you for coming. It's been great having you over. We have to go to bed now, so we'll walk you out."

 

And you can try to curb that nagging they do. When they start nagging, say, "Oh, actually, I don't mind dust on the staircase (or whatever they're nagging about.)" Or "Sorry you feel that way. So, how 'bout them Bears?" or, "So, how did your doctor's appointment go?" Or whatever. Redirect the conversation and don't acknowledge their nags.

 

And if "She's not a guest, she half owns this house" ever comes up again, say "This is my home. I live here. Anyone who does not live here is a guest. More pasta, anyone?"

 

Anyway, yeah, it's mostly your husband's issue to deal with, bit when they're encroaching on your home, I think you're justified in nicely calling them on it and sticking to your own boundaries. You're allowed to have them.

[Dragonfruit]

Write the check. Send it to them, with a note that you are returning their perceived right to interfere in your business along with it. Who cares if they cash it or not?

 

Also, I would not invite them over again until they understand that their behavior was ridiculous and apologize for it. If they refuse to do so, good. Problem solved. With problem people, I find the need to cut off their access to parts of my life to the extent needed to protect myself. When that's a problem in the first place, unfortunately, the cutting off of access usually turns out to be complete. I find they often have no use for you outside of the messed up little role they have in mind for you, and will not give it up even when they know it means they will lose you completely.

 

Good luck.

[turnera]

You can ESTABLISH boundaries until the cows come home.

 

They are as meaningless as the time you wasted coming up with them.

 

What matters is the CONSEQUENCE that comes with each boundary, and whether you MAKE THE CONSEQUENCE HAPPEN.

 

BOTH of you are passive aggressive and chicken. Would you be that much of a wimp with a store clerk who insulted you? A thief? The mailman? No.

 

But with his parents, you fill yourself full of hot air about what you will do and, when they get rude, you just sit there and let them.

 

"Folks, I love you, but I will not be insulted in my own home." (walks to door and opens it, waiting) "It was nice seeing you. Have a safe trip home."

[Dragonfruit]

Well, honestly, I don't know many people who are that quick and snappy with putting people in their place, especially when they are family and guests in your home. So I would not call them chickens, etc. Imo it's usually best to think it over and consider the course of action. There is no rush to snap to a consequence that minute. If someone was that outrageously entitled to me, I would probably be too stunned to do much about it at the time. But that's okay, as I said handling it immediately is not really necessary. Better to think it over and decide on the next course of action together, imo.

[turnera]

Dragonfruit, it's not the first time it's happened. In fact, it's happened SO often that they have thought through SOLUTIONS for it. They just never follow through.

[Dragonfruit]

Oh, okay. I was only going by this post.

[Janesays]

Write them a check and if they refuse it, threaten to sell the house.

[lora22]

Dragonfruit, it's not the first time it's happened. In fact, it's happened SO often that they have thought through SOLUTIONS for it. They just never follow through.

 

I'm not sure what this is referring to?

[lora22]

Mostly I needed to vent, because I was so angry about everything

 

Some great pointers on how to be assertive in specific instances. Honestly, I was completely appalled by their behavior, and while I have issues with them (such as the nagging) that are ongoing, this is the first time they have behaved that horrifically. I'm not sure why, but I suspect it is a combination of things including but not limited to: they rarely come to our house, but when they do it has been when other people are invited (they tend to curb the craziness under those circumstances), and FIL trying to establish control or dominance, or put me in my place or something. FIL never used to treat me that way. Plus FIL I think is resentful of other things, such as when he asked H how much $ I make and H told him it's none of his business, and refused to tell FIL despite the fact that he was insisting (who does that? and what does he care?).

 

We do our best to curb the nagging, but keep in mind that my husband loves his parents, wants to spend time with them (in part because they are getting older - his mom has health problems and his dad is in his 70s), and he was raised with them nagging him. I don't think it bothers him as much as it bothers me. I did not grow up with parents who are intrusive (or "open" is H's word - see, raised differently ) or who nagged. But, it seems like they turn everything around into either nagging me/him/us about something, or else if I somehow state an opinion or preference on ANYTHING, one or the other of them will disagree with me and start telling me how I'm wrong. So no matter how we change the subject, it is ongoing. This probably bothered me so much when they came over because it was just the four of us, and they stayed for such a long time. I can deal with it for 2 or 3 hours once a month, or in a more social setting where I can avoid them more or other people are distracting them.

 

For instance, they are nagging and annoying me, so I will change the subject by asking who a doctor appointment went. After briefly answering the question, MIL will start nagging H about his blood sugar level, cholesterol level, when was the last time he went to the doctor, what kind of insurance plan does he have...and with that FIL will start in on am I on H's insurance, and how much does he pay a month for me to be on his insurance, and what is our co-pay, and do we have enough car insurance, and what kind, and why don't we have umbrella coverage, and we HAVE to use their insurance agent to get a better deal on the insurance THEY want us to have...they can literally do that to any topic you can think of.

 

Or, when MIL asks me about the home renovations we are doing and I tell her that we are going to put a new vanity in the bathroom "You're going to replace the sink too, right?" (when she says things like that I always want to respond with "Are you paying for it?"); and then she tells me where I HAVE to go to buy a vanity, and I HAVE to get one that's on special; and she insists that we have to pay someone else to come install it for us, and will always say something snotty when we tell her that's not going to happen, like "<sniff> well I can't wait to see you do that".

 

Or, they will ask us if we have a Christmas tree, and then they will ask how much the trees we looked at were going for, and then they'll be shocked and appalled and insist that we drive 50 miles out of our way to get a cheaper tree.

 

Or, in the course of a conversation I might say that I don't think there's anything wrong with not breastfeeding a baby, and MIL will spend the next 20 minutes telling me I'm wrong and breastfeeding is so much better, blah blah blah blah. H wasn't even breastfed!

 

I could sit here all day giving examples so I'll stop

 

They assuredly won't be invited over again anytime soon, which his mother is aware of, as she made a comment about it when I finally went to bed while they were still here. FIL said we had to have them over again soon and MIL (jokingly) said that they wouldn't be invited again because they don't leave and I said damn straight. Well not quite that bluntly, but I made it clear that she might be joking, but she was spot on.

 

And we do tell them "No we're not doing that" or "That's none of your business" or whatever, but they sometimes push back, or restate their position and so every time we see them I am left feeling like we just argued for 3 hours. The best is when we can get them telling stories about the past because then they get distracted, but that doesn't always work. And again, my husband has lived with this for almost 4 decades, so he thinks they are a little crazy, but that is just the status quo for him.

Edited March 14, 2013 by lora22

[turnera]

I'm not sure what this is referring to?

It's referring to you saying you and your husband agreed upon boundaries but, once the parents show up, you don't enforce the boundaries. Which is not uncommon, most people don't. But if you're that unhappy, a change is warranted.

[turnera]

There's a great little book called The Dance Of Anger, that teaches you how to set those boundaries, without the other person feeling like you're being mean.

[Dragonfruit]

Why did the Castanzas from Seinfeld come into my mind? LOL. Well, they seem very focused on money. OP, did you notice how many of those things had to do with money? I don't blame you for limiting contact with them. They sound like truly horrible people. Some people are so crazy they really can't be "trained." If they don't get on your husband's nerves as much, maybe you could just let him visit them himself (at their house), and limit your own visits to a couple of times a year, short visits, when other people are around. Yikes!

Edited March 14, 2013 by Dragonfruit

[Radu]

Mostly I needed to vent, because I was so angry about everything

 

Some great pointers on how to be assertive in specific instances. Honestly, I was completely appalled by their behavior, and while I have issues with them (such as the nagging) that are ongoing, this is the first time they have behaved that horrifically. I'm not sure why, but I suspect it is a combination of things including but not limited to: they rarely come to our house, but when they do it has been when other people are invited (they tend to curb the craziness under those circumstances), and FIL trying to establish control or dominance, or put me in my place or something. FIL never used to treat me that way. Plus FIL I think is resentful of other things, such as when he asked H how much $ I make and H told him it's none of his business, and refused to tell FIL despite the fact that he was insisting (who does that? and what does he care?).

 

We do our best to curb the nagging, but keep in mind that my husband loves his parents, wants to spend time with them (in part because they are getting older - his mom has health problems and his dad is in his 70s), and he was raised with them nagging him. I don't think it bothers him as much as it bothers me. I did not grow up with parents who are intrusive (or "open" is H's word - see, raised differently ) or who nagged. But, it seems like they turn everything around into either nagging me/him/us about something, or else if I somehow state an opinion or preference on ANYTHING, one or the other of them will disagree with me and start telling me how I'm wrong. So no matter how we change the subject, it is ongoing. This probably bothered me so much when they came over because it was just the four of us, and they stayed for such a long time. I can deal with it for 2 or 3 hours once a month, or in a more social setting where I can avoid them more or other people are distracting them.

 

For instance, they are nagging and annoying me, so I will change the subject by asking who a doctor appointment went. After briefly answering the question, MIL will start nagging H about his blood sugar level, cholesterol level, when was the last time he went to the doctor, what kind of insurance plan does he have...and with that FIL will start in on am I on H's insurance, and how much does he pay a month for me to be on his insurance, and what is our co-pay, and do we have enough car insurance, and what kind, and why don't we have umbrella coverage, and we HAVE to use their insurance agent to get a better deal on the insurance THEY want us to have...they can literally do that to any topic you can think of.

 

Or, when MIL asks me about the home renovations we are doing and I tell her that we are going to put a new vanity in the bathroom "You're going to replace the sink too, right?" (when she says things like that I always want to respond with "Are you paying for it?"); and then she tells me where I HAVE to go to buy a vanity, and I HAVE to get one that's on special; and she insists that we have to pay someone else to come install it for us, and will always say something snotty when we tell her that's not going to happen, like "<sniff> well I can't wait to see you do that".

 

Or, they will ask us if we have a Christmas tree, and then they will ask how much the trees we looked at were going for, and then they'll be shocked and appalled and insist that we drive 50 miles out of our way to get a cheaper tree.

 

Or, in the course of a conversation I might say that I don't think there's anything wrong with not breastfeeding a baby, and MIL will spend the next 20 minutes telling me I'm wrong and breastfeeding is so much better, blah blah blah blah. H wasn't even breastfed!

 

I could sit here all day giving examples so I'll stop

 

They assuredly won't be invited over again anytime soon, which his mother is aware of, as she made a comment about it when I finally went to bed while they were still here. FIL said we had to have them over again soon and MIL (jokingly) said that they wouldn't be invited again because they don't leave and I said damn straight. Well not quite that bluntly, but I made it clear that she might be joking, but she was spot on.

 

And we do tell them "No we're not doing that" or "That's none of your business" or whatever, but they sometimes push back, or restate their position and so every time we see them I am left feeling like we just argued for 3 hours. The best is when we can get them telling stories about the past because then they get distracted, but that doesn't always work. And again, my husband has lived with this for almost 4 decades, so he thinks they are a little crazy, but that is just the status quo for him.

 

Yeah, it is about dominance.

Actually all of this reminds me of some ppl from over here, are they from the Balkans ?

Basically my grandfather and a distant relative of his were like that.

They had to be the top dog in the family clan.

When my grandfather died, it was ok, because my dad was considered that , he outearned his brother but at the same time he did not behave like one [very uncharasteristically for them].

When my dad died and my uncle's health went down, my grandfather's distant relative [male, same age] started being pissed because we did not consider him the man of the family and we did not run all decisions past him.

So he started saying amongst relatives, and even the village in which my dad grew [we still had a small house there] that my mom killed him.

He was also heard denigrating his own son [by the son no less].

He is not obsessed with money, but he does want power over ppl.

And those that do not give him that power, end up usually being the center of his passive-agressive behaviour.

[MuscleCarFan]

Wow, when dealing parents you really need to flat out TELL THEM TO LEAVE! Nothing says boundaries better than, "You need to leave because I will no longer tolerate your poor attitude and lack of respect towards myself and my husband. You are welcome to come back when our boundaries are respected."

[lora22]

Actually all of this reminds me of some ppl from over here, are they from the Balkans ?

I just skimmed all the responses as I don't have much time right now, but this floored me. Yes, they are. It's crazy you would guess that from these posts!

[Radu]

I just skimmed all the responses as I don't have much time right now, but this floored me. Yes, they are. It's crazy you would guess that from these posts!

 

Well, if they are romanian i could tell you some choice words to tell them.

 

Ppl from the balkans are more likely to be passive-agressive, to have the behaviour i described in the previous post.

Mediteraneans are more agressive and less passive, except for Greeks who are like this as well and stick together something fierce.

[Nyla]

It is best not to accept any "gifts" from in-laws who are manipulative and spiteful. I know your husband accepted the gift long before you married him, but now your in-laws are trying to use that to buy a stake in your life.

 

I don't accept anything from my mother because she is spiteful much like your in-laws are. In fact, my parents have never been to our home because my husband and I do not want the drama of my mother's intrusive attitude around us.

 

Your in-laws feel that their years of experience entitles them to run your life. That is where all the questions and rude comments are coming from. Your husband needs to have a conversation with his parents about the way they behave and let them know it will not be tolerated. Blood talks to blood because your husband has had the long relationship with his parents and he knows how to deal with them.

 

My MIL has made some nasty comments right to my face. My husband calmly spoke to his mother about her hurtful words and even though she threw a tantrum, at least he got our point across. The last time we visited, my MIL mentioned the fact that I snore while we were eating breakfast. From now on, my husband and I will NOT be staying with his parents when we visit. We don't feel comfortable there.

 

Keep your in-laws at an arm's length and don't invite them again for a few months. It is unlikely that they will change, so you can limit your contact with them. I see my parents once a month and speak to my mother a lot less than she wants. When I don't answer the phone and call her back when I can, my mom likes to make comments like "What if I was dying?" or "I'm never going to call again because you don't answer." I just laugh and tell her that I'm busy.

[Wolfcub]

Really awful.

Actually 50 out of 800 is about 6-7%, not a half. And if it was a gift they don't have any say what and how you have to do with it.

Tell them that you bought booze on that money, drank it and its all gone. At least they will have something to rant on.

[lora22]

It is best not to accept any "gifts" from in-laws who are manipulative and spiteful. I know your husband accepted the gift long before you married him, but now your in-laws are trying to use that to buy a stake in your life.

 

I don't accept anything from my mother because she is spiteful much like your in-laws are. In fact, my parents have never been to our home because my husband and I do not want the drama of my mother's intrusive attitude around us.

 

Your in-laws feel that their years of experience entitles them to run your life. That is where all the questions and rude comments are coming from. Your husband needs to have a conversation with his parents about the way they behave and let them know it will not be tolerated. Blood talks to blood because your husband has had the long relationship with his parents and he knows how to deal with them.

 

My MIL has made some nasty comments right to my face. My husband calmly spoke to his mother about her hurtful words and even though she threw a tantrum, at least he got our point across. The last time we visited, my MIL mentioned the fact that I snore while we were eating breakfast. From now on, my husband and I will NOT be staying with his parents when we visit. We don't feel comfortable there.

 

Keep your in-laws at an arm's length and don't invite them again for a few months. It is unlikely that they will change, so you can limit your contact with them. I see my parents once a month and speak to my mother a lot less than she wants. When I don't answer the phone and call her back when I can, my mom likes to make comments like "What if I was dying?" or "I'm never going to call again because you don't answer." I just laugh and tell her that I'm busy.

You know, if H felt the exact same way as I do, and didn't care that his parents would never speak to him again, he or we could have that conversation with them. Radu might know what I'm talking about when I say that that is exactly what would happen if we tried that. But again, that conversation isn't even on the table since H isn't on the same page as me. Besides, we limit how often we see the in-laws, and do our best to control the circumstances when we see them (having other people there, etc. so they aren't so intense), so generally I'm happy with the arrangement.

 

H loves his parents, and while he thinks that they are crazy and he gets annoyed or angry at them sometimes, I don't think he has the same reaction, or understands just how crazy and inappropriate they are, because he has never known anything else. He tries to frame their behavior as they love us and are like to feel needed.

 

Anyways, I was talking to my mom about this yesterday, and she told me that at our wedding reception, my FIL told her and my dad that he is the "supreme ruler of the family" and that all decisions in the family have to go through him because he makes the decisions for everyone. So at least I know that my assessment of him is spot on.

 

I'm sure that I'll start getting angry again when we go to buy a car or something, but I'll cross those bridges as they come up.

[Nyla]

You know, if H felt the exact same way as I do, and didn't care that his parents would never speak to him again, he or we could have that conversation with them. Radu might know what I'm talking about when I say that that is exactly what would happen if we tried that. But again, that conversation isn't even on the table since H isn't on the same page as me. Besides, we limit how often we see the in-laws, and do our best to control the circumstances when we see them (having other people there, etc. so they aren't so intense), so generally I'm happy with the arrangement.

 

H loves his parents, and while he thinks that they are crazy and he gets annoyed or angry at them sometimes, I don't think he has the same reaction, or understands just how crazy and inappropriate they are, because he has never known anything else. He tries to frame their behavior as they love us and are like to feel needed.

 

Anyways, I was talking to my mom about this yesterday, and she told me that at our wedding reception, my FIL told her and my dad that he is the "supreme ruler of the family" and that all decisions in the family have to go through him because he makes the decisions for everyone. So at least I know that my assessment of him is spot on.

 

I'm sure that I'll start getting angry again when we go to buy a car or something, but I'll cross those bridges as they come up.

 

If you were happy with the arrangement, there would be no thread.

 

The real issue is that your husband is not on the same page with you. He needs to be loyal to you first; YOU are his family now.

 

My mother likes to feel needed too.

She also needs to ask questions that are none of her business, but that doesn't mean I will give her the info.

Edited March 21, 2013 by Nyla

[lora22]

If you were happy with the arrangement, there would be no thread.

 

The real issue is that your husband is not on the same page with you. He needs to be loyal to you first; YOU are his family now.

 

My mother likes to feel needed too.

She also needs to ask questions that are none of her business, but that doesn't mean I will give her the info.

Loving and wanting to see his parents does not make my husband disloyal to me. My husband gets a hard enough time from his parents without me telling him he has to pick either me or them.

Edited March 21, 2013 by lora22

[Radu]

You know, if H felt the exact same way as I do, and didn't care that his parents would never speak to him again, he or we could have that conversation with them. Radu might know what I'm talking about when I say that that is exactly what would happen if we tried that. But again, that conversation isn't even on the table since H isn't on the same page as me. Besides, we limit how often we see the in-laws, and do our best to control the circumstances when we see them (having other people there, etc. so they aren't so intense), so generally I'm happy with the arrangement.

 

H loves his parents, and while he thinks that they are crazy and he gets annoyed or angry at them sometimes, I don't think he has the same reaction, or understands just how crazy and inappropriate they are, because he has never known anything else. He tries to frame their behavior as they love us and are like to feel needed.

 

Anyways, I was talking to my mom about this yesterday, and she told me that at our wedding reception, my FIL told her and my dad that he is the "supreme ruler of the family" and that all decisions in the family have to go through him because he makes the decisions for everyone. So at least I know that my assessment of him is spot on.

 

I'm sure that I'll start getting angry again when we go to buy a car or something, but I'll cross those bridges as they come up.

 

Pls read this entire thread :

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/343020-men-who-think-cocks

 

I forgot if i linked it or not, but another poster on LS who spent almost 2 decades in the West and comes from the balkans, helped me isolate this type of behaviour and identify it.

 

My mom [concerning what was in that thread], basically ended up not caring about them.

Moving on, i ended up making a choice speach for an older guy in my family that i still have not managed to get around to telling him.

 

Your FIL thinks that way, and as long as he is not made to understand that he isn't by your husband ... this will not go away.

And i doubt even your husband can make him go away completely ... i have a suspicion that your husband is a calm individual who generally likes to keep the peace in the family [correct me if i'm wrong pls].

 

PS: Also look into how pater familias was seen in the time of the romans for a view through your FIL's eyes.

Add passive-agressive behaviour and you got it.

Edited March 21, 2013 by Radu