Parents and fiance conflict

[jamielynn592]

Anybody else dealing with this kind of family situation?

 

I posted on here awhile back, about how my parents were treating me like crap (see this post). Well, that was 3 years ago that this happened. After I last posted, things didn’t get any better. For several months after that, I still received numerous phone calls from my mom, in which most of the time consisted of her yelling at me. About a year and a half ago, I finally said enough and told them not to call or email me. They didn’t listen, so I proceeded to block them from my email and change my cell number. Even through that, they still managed to find ways to contact me, which just made me more upset every time they did. This past January, my boyfriend went to their house, asking if we could all try again. We (my boyfriend and I) and my parents started emailing back and forth, trying to resolve what had happened over the past few years. My parents at first didn’t want to rehash everything because they had ‘gotten over it’, but my boyfriend and I were still extremely hurt and angry at what happened. Emails continued for a while, but eventually they just turned into arguing. The 4 of us decided to meet for dinner so we could talk, instead of writing our thoughts through email.

 

Things really had started to go well up until about the end of April. We were still emailing my parents but it took them a really long time to reply to one of our emails. I didn’t know if they had stopped, so we had to ask for a reply. That didn’t help the situation. Then towards the end of April, my boyfriend proposed and I couldn’t be happier! Because we were working towards resolving things with my parents, I decided I would call them the next day and tell them I was engaged. I didn’t expect them to be thrilled or anything, but I didn’t expect their reaction to be “Oh… that’s nice”. I was disappointed to say the least; I had thought that with the progress we made, I would at least get some sort of congratulations, or at least they could’ve said “If you’re happy, then we’re happy”.

 

A month later (this past weekend), my fiancé and I had plans to go over to their house to talk some more and have dinner. My fiancé and I were pretty upset going into this, given that we had to ask them to reply to our email, and that they still hadn’t said a thing about our engagement. After some chit chat, we got into these two things and my parents (mostly my mom) said that she couldn’t say congratulations because she couldn’t support it. There was arguing and tears and needless to say, it didn’t go very well. My parents kept asking for a phone number for me, but because of what they did the last time they had my number (calling over and over), I didn’t want to give it to them. They said that was ridiculous and how could I not trust them? They’ve said we’re putting ‘limitations’ on our relationship because we’re not willing to tell them where we live… but given that they’ve shown up unannounced in the past, my fiancé and I don’t want that to happen again. The day did not end well, and it was especially upsetting to have my mom keep telling me this wasn’t the ‘best’ for me and how could I marry someone who was disrespectful to my parents? (They say he’s disrespectful because he said my mom bullied me, and that we wouldn’t stand for that – again see other post).

 

At this point, my fiancé is done trying. We both have put a lot of effort into this, and it hasn’t gotten us anywhere. It was going well but it completely crashed and burned this last week. He doesn’t want to talk to them or hear anything from them anymore. Frankly, I’m almost to that point again. This is ruining what is supposed to be the happiest time in my life- being engaged and planning my wedding.

 

One other thing to add: I did actually give them my phone number because they were so adamant, but then they replied in an email that I was reluctant to give it, so they don’t want it anymore. I can’t win with them- every time my fiancé and I would suggest something to compromise, they wouldn’t budge. Keep in mind that most of this is my mom; my dad has been relatively quiet throughout this, just saying he ‘agrees’ with my mom. I don’t know if I want them at our wedding… especially if they’re just going to tell my other relatives that he’s wrong for me, or that they don’t agree with this.

 

I’m just looking for some responses; this whole thing is wearing me down and I feel like I’m stuck in the middle.

[2sure]

Ok, so your parents hate your bf. They dont like his motorcycle, they dont like your living together. Are there any other things about YOU that have changed since you have been with him?? Other than you becoming an adult and in control of your own life?

 

Have you started doing drugs, having financial problems, gone to jail?? Quit school?

 

If YOU have not changed for the worse in ways that badly affect your life, they are simply not fit to have in your life right now. In fact, by your description of their behavior they are not a family but a cult of some kind.

 

I can understand that they dont like your bf. I can understand that your decisions have angered them. But its been three years. Thats an awfully long time to not at least become somewhat used to it, somewhat accepting.

 

You mention that initially when you re-opened communication with them that they wanted to move forward fresh and not rehash the past. But that you and your bf could not do that, and that whatever the issue was it needed to be discussed at length.

 

WHAT is the issue?

[jamielynn592]

Believe it or not, nothing has changed for the worse. I graduated college with a bachelor's, have a steady, well-paying job, don't do drugs, smoke, etc... nothing has changed for the worse. My fiance doesn't do drugs either, smoke, neither of us have ever been arrested- I don't even have so much as a parking ticket!

 

My fiance and I needed to talk to them about what had happened and what they had done to me; they needed to understand they were wrong to do what they did (the ultimatums, forcing me to comply, etc). Before we could move forward, we had to discuss the past so we could move beyond that. We did accomplish that, but they still won't compromise on anything and I can't stand to have them say things against my fiance.

[2sure]

Yeesh. Well, you sound great....they must have done something right. lol.

 

Look, you know how it goes: You cant pick your family. You love them, I can tell. You wish they embraced your bf, your relationship, your upcoming wedding. You want normal. They aint got it.

 

No more "Talking" . No more discussing. No more explaining or persuading. Normally I would say show them that their opinions are not important to you. But you have done that in the last 3 years.

 

It may have been a mistake to want, or even expect, closure of the past problems between you. Thats not going to happen, stop looking for it. Look ONLY to the future.

 

TELL them you love them. Tell them you regret they arent happy with your life but that YOU are and you thank them for raising you to be happy and confident. Tell them you feel any mistakes and bumps in the road that come up you have been prepared to handle. Tell them you would like to share SOME of your life with them in the future. Their openness depends how much. Tell them if they choose to not be a positive part of your life, you will respect that and hope that someday they change their mind.

 

No more rehashing, no more discussion.