overbearing parents?!?

[jamielynn592]

I'm at a loss. I'm 20 years old and I feel like I'm in the middle of a tug-of-war. I got a job this past summer, working as an IT intern. I loved my job and I met some really awesome people. I also loved everyone that I worked with. I started to talk more to the guy who was training me and we became friends. Eventually we wanted to get together outside of work- these things included getting coffee, going for a walk, etc. He came to my house so we could walk around my neighborhood and just talk. I should also say that he owns a motorcycle. My parents had a fit when they saw that and instantly made up their minds about it. He took me for about a 20 min ride and the rest of the night, my parents wouldn't speak to me. This was just the beginning. The next time I hung out with this guy, they called my cell phone no less than 5 times, wondering when I was going to be coming home. This was at about 9 pm- I was home by 11. At this point, they forced me to show them emails he and I had written to each other, because they didn't like him and didn't trust him.

 

After this point, this guy offered to come to my house and help fix our home computer, and then give my parents a chance to talk to him. They said no. Things kept going like this for a long time. They didn't like me talking to him and said I should be "spending time with your family, and not with coworkers." Mind you, I worked with this guy and we got along really well. I found out that they would go through my cell phone and look at text messages and see if I had talked to him on the phone. There was one night where I said I was going to meet a girlfriend of mine, when in reality, I was meeting him. I don't normally lie, but my parents would not have let me out of the house. They found out about this, and my mom proceeded to call this guy up at midnight and yell at him. After this point, this guy emailed my dad, asking to get together so they could talk. My dad kept saying no. Saying all this, it makes me sound like a 16 year old, but again, I'm 20 and my parents still think they can tell me what to do.

 

Everytime I went out with him, which wasn't very much, my parents would call, and call, and call. At one point, I just turned my cell phone off because it got to be so crazy. This was all during the summer- and at least once a week, my parents would yell and scream at me, saying how this guy was tearing apart our family. They threatened to take my car away, they were going to try and make me quit my job, they threatened to not pay anything for college tuition (at this point, I paid half and they paid half). I finally said ok- I took on all financial responsibility and am completely on my own. I couldn't take their threats. They gave me ultimatums- saying to choose your family or choose him. My mom brought my sister, her sister, and her mom into this conflict. I moved back to school in August and they still didn't stop. They came to my school, called my phone. I couldn't take it anymore and I told them never to call again. They had also called my roommate and friends at this point too. I didn't speak to them for about a month, and after that, occasional emails. I haven't been home at all because I couldn't take anything more from this summer.

 

This guy and I started dating now that my parents were out of it, and things have been great. I went home a few weeks ago to get a few of my things and they parked me in, and wouldn't let me out of the house- they stood in front of the doors and blocked the way. I can't take this anymore. They keep claiming they're "hurt" that I could do this to them and "cut them off" but they did so much this summer, and I'm finally standing up to them. My boyfriend hates to see the way they treat me and he can't do anything about it because my parents hate him- even though they never met him. They made the comment that "he will never be welcome in our house, even if you marry him."

 

I don't know what to do, b/c my boyfriend thinks enough is enough, but should I push my family away? Yes, I've put up with a lot and I know I need to stand up for myself, but does that mean that I should push them away? I don't want to let them run my life, or give in to something, just to please them. They think he's manipulating me and controlling me, when in fact I think they are. He doesn't understand why I keep trying to resolve things with them, when they don't accept him and they keep talking down to me and verbally abusing me. They tried to make me cancel plans with him and to come and spend time at home with the family- when I said no, they said I don't care about them or love them anymore. They try and guilt me into things and try to get me to do what they want.

 

Any comments or anything would be appreciated- I don't like being stuck in the middle.

[CardPlay3r]

At this point, they forced me to show them emails he and I had written to each other, because they didn't like him and didn't trust him.

 

Wow...that is so controlling, not to mention illegal...forcing a 20 yr old to do anything...

 

They didn't like me talking to him and said I should be "spending time with your family, and not with coworkers."

 

More controlling stuff...so you're not allowed to have friends?

 

Saying all this, it makes me sound like a 16 year old, but again, I'm 20 and my parents still think they can tell me what to do.

 

They can only if you let them...

 

They gave me ultimatums- saying to choose your family or choose him.

 

Now that's just bs, blackmailing you into loving you? That's not what love is...

 

I don't know what to do, b/c my boyfriend thinks enough is enough, but should I push my family away?

 

Absolutely you should...in fact, they are the ones pushing you away with their stupidity...you can be happy having your own life and being independent, but if you listen to them and let them control you you'll only be miserable and have much bigger regrets...

[Guest]

What you have been through is appalling. As a mum I can understand that your parents may think they only want the best for their daughter but they are driving you away. However, I would caution completely cutting them off.

 

I am sure your boyfriend is great but please don't cut off friends and other family members. Just in case.

 

Have you tried asking your parents what exactly is wrong with him - is it just the bike?

[My Fair Katie]

I know I'm a broken record, but If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuharth. If you google it you'll see there's also a website. It's my bible.

 

I was in a similar situation in college (well all my life really), in fact once my mom unpacked all my boxes for college and told me I was too selfish to go (because I didn't quit my job exactly when she wanted, I worked until 1 week before I was due to go). That's the only time my dad ever stuck up for me, he said (with expletives deleted), "I paid for two semesters, *someone* is going for two semesters."

 

You can choose not to be part of the tug of war. You have to disengage from their particular brand of crazy. Doesn't mean you have to cut them off (though I did with my parents after the reacted quite badly to normal grown up boundaries). You may need therapy to help you accomplish this.

 

I'm married, I own (well me and the bank) my own home, pay my own bills, my own mortgage, my own car payments, and my parents were STILL treating me like they've treated you. So sorry to say, it might not get much better.

[Guest]

I have to say I admire you so much. One I'm going into the field of Info Technology. And Two my mother acts that way about all the guys I bring home. She'll find all the faults with them and enlarge them so much that I have no choice to breakup with them. You sound like you have a great guy who is willing to put up with them.

 

One thing though, don't let him tell you to break away from them, you must do it yourself or else you will resent him. As for the parents well your doing well on your own as it is. I wish you all the luck.

[Curmudgeon]

You don't have to push them away. They're doing enough pushing on their own. Talk about some unbalanced controllers, your parents take the cake.

 

Your parents can only tell you what to do if you permit them to. You did the right thing by distancing yourself from them financially. Now you may have to do so emotionally as well. They may be your parents but they're toxic and related or not, as an adult you don't have to subject yourself to them.

 

Your parents need professional help. I hope they get it.

 

The irony is, they want you home yet do everything they can to ensure it's an unpleasant experience and is the last place you'd want to be.

[jamielynn592]

I've put up with a lot from them, but they're the ones who expect an apology from me and say that I'm pushing them away. Last night, on Christmas, they started criticizing my life and how I was living it. I stood up and walked out of the room because I didn't want to take it anymore. On Christmas Eve, I watched my sister receive movies, electronic gadgets, and a new Ipod... while I received no less than 3 books on how to live a godly life, along with an ornament with a bible verse on it.

 

I am a Christian, but getting those things from my parents and watching my sister get everything she wanted... it was hard not to walk out of the room then. I was fed up with it. I'm not letting my boyfriend control me, as they claim and I'm not letting him tell me what to do about my parents. The last thing he wanted was to come between us. My parents have made it clear they will never welcome him... ever. Even if I marry him and have kids, they won't welcome him.

 

Back in Sept, he filed a police report about them- not a restraining order, just a report, because they had called his phone no less than 30 times in a 3 week period. Many of those calls were from a private number (my house). My parents would call his phone under a blocked number and when he picked up, they wouldn't say anything and just hang up. I think that's enough to file a report, but my parents were appalled that I thought that.

 

They think they can do whatever they want and no one will do anything against them. I stayed at my boyfriend's house last night because I didn't want to be around them. They told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life by doing that, because it was Christmas. I did come home for Christmas because you're supposed to spend it with family. I was able to try and resolve things with my sister which was good, but my parents still said the same things to me- I'm living a sin, I'm pushing them away, how can I do that to my family, etc. Life sucks sometimes.

[CardPlay3r]

Yeah...some people are just so brainwashed by religion, politics or whatever they become lunatics like your parents...

 

You don't owe anything to them, you didn't ask to be born, and your life is not about being a piece of clay your parents get to mold...

 

You're not hurting anyone by having a boyfriend, and you're not pushing them away...they're the only ones doing that

[shoesies05]

First i have to say: this guy is awesome to put up with so much sh*t from your family, and offer to talk with them to get through this. I think that right there shows a lot of his character and that he's a keeper.

 

Don't stop contact with your family though. They are being WAYYY WAAAAAAAYYYY WAYYY too controlling, but they are still family and if you love them you need to try to just put that aside and love them anyways. It's ok to keep more distance though, clearly they are being very judgmental and wrongly so.

 

I am so sorry for you! I have a friend who is going through a lot of the same things, only her family wouldn't even let her go out with friends either.

 

I don't know what else to say other than that, because clearly their minds are set. Maybe with time they'll see him for who he is, and see you for an adult taking care of herself and capable of making her own decitions. I wish the best for you in all of this, and hope that it works out soon.

[CardPlay3r]

First i have to say: this guy is awesome to put up with so much sh*t from your family, and offer to talk with them to get through this. I think that right there shows a lot of his character and that he's a keeper.

 

Don't stop contact with your family though. They are being WAYYY WAAAAAAAYYYY WAYYY too controlling, but they are still family and if you love them you need to try to just put that aside and love them anyways. It's ok to keep more distance though, clearly they are being very judgmental and wrongly so.

 

I am so sorry for you! I have a friend who is going through a lot of the same things, only her family wouldn't even let her go out with friends either.

 

I don't know what else to say other than that, because clearly their minds are set. Maybe with time they'll see him for who he is, and see you for an adult taking care of herself and capable of making her own decitions. I wish the best for you in all of this, and hope that it works out soon.

 

Shoesies, if you had read the OP's posts you would've known her parents are basically giving her a choice of "us or him", they say they'll cut her off completely if she doesn't break it up...so not much of an option there.

 

Besides, being family is not a carte blanche to treat her like crap. Family is supposed to treat you better than strangers not worse...

[Sup]

I've put up with a lot from them, but they're the ones who expect an apology from me and say that I'm pushing them away. Last night, on Christmas, they started criticizing my life and how I was living it. I stood up and walked out of the room because I didn't want to take it anymore. On Christmas Eve, I watched my sister receive movies, electronic gadgets, and a new Ipod... while I received no less than 3 books on how to live a godly life, along with an ornament with a bible verse on it.

 

I am a Christian, but getting those things from my parents and watching my sister get everything she wanted... it was hard not to walk out of the room then. I was fed up with it. I'm not letting my boyfriend control me, as they claim and I'm not letting him tell me what to do about my parents. The last thing he wanted was to come between us. My parents have made it clear they will never welcome him... ever. Even if I marry him and have kids, they won't welcome him.

 

Back in Sept, he filed a police report about them- not a restraining order, just a report, because they had called his phone no less than 30 times in a 3 week period. Many of those calls were from a private number (my house). My parents would call his phone under a blocked number and when he picked up, they wouldn't say anything and just hang up. I think that's enough to file a report, but my parents were appalled that I thought that.

 

They think they can do whatever they want and no one will do anything against them. I stayed at my boyfriend's house last night because I didn't want to be around them. They told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life by doing that, because it was Christmas. I did come home for Christmas because you're supposed to spend it with family. I was able to try and resolve things with my sister which was good, but my parents still said the same things to me- I'm living a sin, I'm pushing them away, how can I do that to my family, etc. Life sucks sometimes.

 

 

Your parents are doing Illegal acts that could land them in jail, they shouldn't be controling like this, this is pathetic. But, just becareful around your boyfriend, I'm not siding with your parents or anything, but, as you know there ARE alot of sex fiends out there these days, your parents may be afraid of that, but, that's more of a sure way to push you into acting out in that way.(sexually) All in all, your parents aren't acting responsibly.

[shoesies05]

cardplyr:

 

no family doesnt give anyone the excuse to treat others like sh*t. But i think its worth fighting for, and although her family gave her the ultimatum she should still fight to have a good relationship with them. At least keep in touch by sending letters, calling and leaving messages, and letting them know how she's doing. Those things would be A LOT better than pretending they don't exist i think.

 

I've gone through a lot with my family, but im still trying to make it work.

[CardPlay3r]

I don't know...I think if she did that she'd be setting herself up for more pain...I mean working out things with family is good, but when the ones that messed up apologize and try to make amends...

 

I mean how could it work? let's imagine this phone call

 

"Hi dad, just wanted to wish you happy birthday"

"You're a slut, you shamed the family, you wasted your life blablablabla" going on forever...not realistic is it

[coco_milkshake]

Hey I know how you feel. I am very happy that your bf is supporting you through this, he sounds genuine and I suggest you hang on to him!!

 

As for your family, I am afraid they are not going to change, if you are hoping that they will accept him then its a fool's hope Im afraid. Look at how they are acting towards him and they aint even met the guy yet!!!

 

I suggest cutting of ties with them - they are the ones missing out on your happiness. If they loved you then they wouldnt be putting conditions like that on you to choose between them and your bf. That is conditional love - I think you are better off without them. Good luck for you and I hope things work out well for you and your bf - he sounds very supportive, I hope he stays that way

[shoesies05]

cardplayr:

then don't call, but send letters or cards just to let them know how she's doing...

[Guest]

Remember the bible says "thou must honor ye parents" it never said anything about liking them. Yeah I got that from Family Guy but its good advice ehh.