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Hurting So Bad...Husband wants to separate


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Old 6th March 2017, 12:57 PM   #1
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Hurting So Bad...Husband wants to separate

I need some help and positive people right now. Not telling me what I want to hear, telling me how to be a stronger person. I'm a 37 year old mom of three kids (5 year old twins and a 4 year old). Around the holidays my husband became nastier, and we were arguing a lot. One day he was so nasty, I got angry and said that's it, I'm done! Because I was so angry. Well there had to have been a coworker he was talking a lot to. I believe it was mid-January when he actually cheated. He started being a mean drunk, drinking more at home, telling me he was done with me. I said we have 3 kids, we need to work on it. Because as much as we had arguments sometimes, we could be so happy. I've been with him since I was 20 years old! Then one night I checked the cell phone bill and saw her number a lot starting mid-January. He said it was only talking but said we needed time apart right now. I was a mess because this came out of nowhere. He was always such a family guy, loved me so much, we had sex all the time so it wasn't like we were going months without it. He took a few days away and confessed he slept with someone else, but he wasn't seeing her anymore but we still needed time. And he wanted things to be civil no matter what.

Basically the day of my daughter's birthday, he passed out sleeping after being a mean drunk again, and I said screw it, looked at his phone and saw an email from her saying, sorry she missed his call, she was out playing pool. I saw her full name. I flipped, smacked him awake, threw his clothes down stairs and had his brother pick him up. He hasn't lived at home since. This was 3 weeks ago.

After this we didn't talk for a few days. And we said it's best to separate. I googled this girl, she's only 2 years younger, nothing special at all, not that attractive. I'm just so upset because after all this, I would have hoped he would try so hard because we have a family, we were happy. We had stress and little kids and money issues, so of course it's not easy. But it's like TRY. He would never do marriage counseling. He said he wants to try to find an apartment for now to take the kids some weekends. He said he's so confused, and he's trying to take things one step at a time. He took his cell phone off our bill which really inspires trust.

He told close friends it's his fault. He's staying in a friend's parents' basement now. The other day I said I saw a lawyer about separation, and we technically can divorce any time. He's not caring about finding a lawyer. He said the other day when j had to see him with the kids that he's so upset at himself and he's so sorry, and he still misses me and he's not happy now, but he doesn't know what's going on. He says I can have the house, and he'll take care of us financially no matter what. He just says I'll never trust him no matter what but you never know, maybe it can work out. He said he still wants to do things as a family and go out to eat with me, but how is that possible to do without me hurting? I have been so civil to him in front of the kids because they're who matter the most. I have been so strong some days because I've been the one taking care of them 90% of the time from wake up to bedtime with homework and sports and packing lunches. And then I have my bad days where I just want to cry.

No matter what I'm not filing for divorce until I can work next year for my own health insurance. Do you think there's any chance at all that things can work out? The person he is right now I don't know and his family doesn't know. I've never felt so alone. I miss having him next to me in bed, I miss that physical connection with him. Even when he was apparently cheating, he was still sleeping with me which only hit me later. And it happened in only a span of weeks. I completely believe this was the first affair. He just never went out before. He always wanted to be with us at home. My home only causes me pain now because it was his dream home on the water with his boat, and that's another thing to think about in the future.

Just give me some positive advice. I'm trying to be strong. I have my strong days, but those bad days hit me too. I'm going to start therapy, I'm going to the gym, I'm trying to eat more because I look anorexic from stress and not eating, keeping as busy as I can. I just need to get over him and be happy with myself no matter what. And I'm limiting contact as much as I possibly can with him when it's the father of your children.

Last edited by Momof3littleones; 6th March 2017 at 1:02 PM..
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Old 6th March 2017, 1:08 PM   #2
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I forgot to mention so far he had taken them one weekend. I went out with friends both nights to keep busy. He had so messed up with my mental wellbeing. I was such a wreck. It's just no matter what friends I'm around or who I talk to, I still feel so alone.
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Old 6th March 2017, 1:51 PM   #3
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If he is willing to give up the mistress & the booze, you have a chance at reconciliation. If he is not, there is no hope.


You also must go to MC. Without it you won't fix this. If you had cancer or some other disease you wouldn't try DIY medical care. Don't think you can fix this alone.


At this point since you have been cheated on, I'd put my foot down. Put all your cards on the table. Tell him you are willing to fight for your marriage but that requires MC, the end of the mistress & no drinking. Plus he moves back in. The more distance through the apartment the more you both realize you don't need each other. None of this playing house garbage where he comes over & you have dinner once in a while. That will destroy you. He's either all in or you want out.
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Old 6th March 2017, 2:35 PM   #4
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If he is willing to give up the mistress & the booze, you have a chance at reconciliation. If he is not, there is no hope.


You also must go to MC. Without it you won't fix this. If you had cancer or some other disease you wouldn't try DIY medical care. Don't think you can fix this alone.


At this point since you have been cheated on, I'd put my foot down. Put all your cards on the table. Tell him you are willing to fight for your marriage but that requires MC, the end of the mistress & no drinking. Plus he moves back in. The more distance through the apartment the more you both realize you don't need each other. None of this playing house garbage where he comes over & you have dinner once in a while. That will destroy you. He's either all in or you want out.
This. This 100x

It sounds like he had some sort of early mid life crisis. Sometimes husbands become fathers and they can't deal with the way their life changes. Their wife is now the center of the kids world, he doesn't come first anymore, he's working to support and the pressure that comes with that and the can't deal with the feelings of unhappiness thst come with it. Most men adjust to this..... some have affairs because someone else makes them feel special and gives them attention. Then when the wife finds out and kicks them out of the family, they'l suddenly miss everything they took for granted.

Thats a turnaround point for some men. They'll do everything possible to fix it and get back the life they didn't know they loved.

Thst could be your husband. But he doesn't seem willing right now to put forth that effort. He's offered to move out, give you everything . This could be coming from a place of shame and embarrassment, but it could be coming from a true want to leave the marriage and responsibility. You need to figure that out.

Reconciliation is a long road and like the above poster said, he's gonna need to stop drinking, move back in (guest room if you want but NOT out of the house) and go to individual and marriage counseling.

You need to get an STD test for your own health.

I wish you luck, I am reconciling now and it's hard work. I respect anyone who tries to save their marriage and keep their family intact. But you cannot do it alone.
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Old 6th March 2017, 2:36 PM   #5
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He'd never do marriage counseling. I've mentioned it, and he's the type of guy who doesn't believe in therapy. He says he is not seeing her anymore. He says that, but I'm not naive. I have said why won't you try, and he just says he doesn't know what he wants and he needs time alone. I guess that is my answer. It just hurts. Since he's been working so much overtime, I don't think he even has the time to drink as much as he was when he was home. I'm willing to see what would pan out in a couple months, but I'm not wasting more of my life in this phase. And really I'm so angry at him. Why did he have to screw up so bad? Can I even take him back? He was supposed to be the one person that wouldn't hurt me, but he did.

I've thought of going on dating sites to distract myself from the pain, but I know I have to be happy being alone right now and focus on myself and on the kids.

I guess I need tips to move on.
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Old 6th March 2017, 5:51 PM   #6
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First off, I'm so sorry for your pain.

I would advise you not to make any final decisions right now in this phas of things. Emotions are high and everyone is not thinking clearly.

The separation is good. If you want to make it work with him (and I understand if you don't, that's perfectly fine), I would have a calm talk with him. Tell him you are hurt by what he's done, you love him and you want your marriage to survive, that MC would be required as well as NC with OW. Thst you will give him a reasonable amount of time to get his **** together before seeing an atty.

Then ignore him. Don't call, don't cry, don't beg. Make arrangements thru his family for him to see the kids. This is called the 180, you can read more about it on a pinned post in this forum.

Take care of yourself, focus on your kids. For gods sake DO NOT DATE, That's unhealthy and you're in a vulnerable spot and predatory losers can smell that a mile away. Spend time with your friends and family.

I'm sorry foe you and I know it seems hopeless. It isn't always, it's just too chaotic right now. You both need time and space.

I will pray for your family.
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Old 6th March 2017, 5:53 PM   #7
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I know you were looking for tips to move on. It's just too early to do that. Even if your marriage is over, you have to go thru the grief process before moving on. Focus on keeping you and your kids healthy for now
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Old 6th March 2017, 6:33 PM   #8
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I know you were looking for tips to move on. It's just too early to do that. Even if your marriage is over, you have to go thru the grief process before moving on. Focus on keeping you and your kids healthy for now
Thank you for the advice. I guess I meant how do I make this grief process go easier? I can tell you I've tried to talk to him, and all he does is push this apartment idea all the time, and that's what he's doing. he had nowhere for the kids to go yet because where he's staying is too small, so I told him this Saturday he sleeps at the house with the kids, and I'll go out with my friends and sleep by my sister's. Because I need a break too. He's rarely around right now. He already made plans for a hunting trip for a few days in two weeks because he said he's so stressed.

And then he said he has no contact with this woman, but he still had to talk to her at work. I said you need to change locations at your job and do marriage counseling and he was negative on both, so that's what I get from him. It makes me mad for him to say let's do family things still because we are not a family anymore then. You can't tear our family apart and then say you want to be a family sometimes! You can't have your cake and eat it too.
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Old 6th March 2017, 7:39 PM   #9
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I also wanted to add I am trying that no contacting him except when it's kid related. I have to talk to him about the kids, and he has to come here to bring them to school sometimes. My kids are my #1 priority, so us being able to exchange words is important, but it's only going to be kid related. I made that mistake of texting him Saturday upset still trying to understand, and then I got angry at myself. I can't do that, and it was because I talked to him the day before after not really talking to him all week. I don't like the person he reduced me to two months ago. I got better that everyone says I'm strong, and they don't think it hits me yet, but I was a wreck two months ago when I didn't know fully what was going on, and he watched me suffer. That makes me angry and reminds me of the person I don't want to be. I can't go crying anymore to him or ask him anymore questions to try to understand because clearly he's set on whatever path he's taking.
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Old 7th March 2017, 10:11 AM   #10
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I can't go crying anymore to him or ask him anymore questions to try to understand because clearly he's set on whatever path he's taking.
Momof3littleones, there is a step-by-step plan for people in your situation called the 180. Here's a copy:

1. Donít pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Donít point out ďgood pointsĒ in marriage.

4. Donít follow her/him around the house.

5. Donít encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Donít ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Donít ask for reassurances.

8. Donít buy or give gifts.

9. Donít schedule dates together.

10. Donít keep saying, ďI Love You!Ē Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Donít sit around waiting on your spouse Ė get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Donít push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If youíre in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that ďthey (the wayward partner)Ē are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your lifeÖwithout them!

17. Donít be nasty, angry or even cold Ė Just pull yourself back. Donít always be so availableÖfor anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that youíre missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

21. Donít be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. Itís not always about you! More to the point, at present they just donít care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It ďainít over till itís over!Ē

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things donít work out with the affair partner.

It's about moving forward with your life so you're better prepared for either outcome - divorce or reconciliation. I hope it's of use to you...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 7th March 2017, 12:29 PM   #11
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Thanks Mr. Lucky. I'll try all of those things. I just wish it wasn't so hard right now. I feel like a failure, I feel like I wasn't good enough. Everything reminds me of him, I think of the happy times. I try to remember the last 2 months and every negative thing about him, but still it's so hard.

I get so angry thinking about this other person too. She's 2 years younger than me (he's going to be 39 though), and to him, she had an easy life because it's only her, she's single with no stress. I, on the other hand, had so much stress and we agreed I'd stay home with the kids when they're young which I don't regret, but to be honest you lose yourself as a person during this time.
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Last edited by Momof3littleones; 7th March 2017 at 12:31 PM..
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Old 7th March 2017, 6:34 PM   #12
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I, on the other hand, had so much stress and we agreed I'd stay home with the kids when they're young which I don't regret, but to be honest you lose yourself as a person during this time.
13. Donít sit around waiting on your spouse Ė get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

Couldn't phrase it any better myself. Momof3littleones, print out the list and put it on your bathroom mirror so you see it everyday...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 8th March 2017, 11:33 PM   #13
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I think it's definitely over. My husband called me before after I was texting to say it was a rough night with the kids because they were upset. He was really upset and apologetic and saying it was all his fault, not me, and he'll still always love me and take care of us. I just said he should have tried more, and he said that I shouldn't want to take him back. He said he cheated, he disrespected me, he's embarrassed, it hurts for him to see me, he can't face my family. It just sounds like it's definitely over. I think it's knowing we can't ever be normal again like before. It's just so painful because the future I thought I had with him is gone.
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Old 9th March 2017, 8:31 AM   #14
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Then walk away. He's willing to give up? Because of shame??? Because he's embarrassed?

Whatever. That's just more selfishness on his part.

He needs to be slapped awake. People make mistakes. They CAN be fixed and you CAN get through and over this. A lot of couples come out even BETTER years after an affair because they're forced to deal head on with issues that got them to that place and become closer as a result .


If he wants to hide in his shell because he's a negative Nellie then there's nothing you can do except let him know you love him and you want it to work out and are willing to work thru it but you can't do it alone.

I'm sorry
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Old 9th March 2017, 9:33 AM   #15
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Yeah just tell him to give up the mistress and booze and you'll take him back. He'll come running back.
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