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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 3rd February 2017, 5:52 PM   #61
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Read up on the 180, your new best friend

Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce
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Old 3rd February 2017, 8:12 PM   #62
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Read up on the 180, your new best friend

Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce
Thanks brother, that's actually what I been doing the last few days. Been working like a charm and I am actually starting to feel a lot better!
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Old 6th February 2017, 3:38 PM   #63
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Thanks brother, that's actually what I been doing the last few days. Been working like a charm and I am actually starting to feel a lot better!
It is amazing how much the whole NC/180 thing can help.

Even aside from moving on with your own life, it helps reduce and/or eliminate drama, which is a blessing. My ex and I maintain contact via email and text and such, in order to co-parent. That is fine. But invariably, she will try to move past the "just business" part of our communication, and try to engage me more personally.

You know, little innocuous things like sharing an inside joke, asking for advice or emotional support, etc. The sort of thing that would have been normal *before*. And the sort of thing that feels natural to engage in.

Now, when any interaction moves beyond business, I just stop interacting. That, too, has made a world of difference. I don't banter, I don't say what I really think and suggest she go cry on her boyfriend's shoulder - I just let it go. And I find that I am happier for doing so!

Keep it up!
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Old 12th February 2017, 9:12 PM   #64
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It is amazing how much the whole NC/180 thing can help.

Even aside from moving on with your own life, it helps reduce and/or eliminate drama, which is a blessing. My ex and I maintain contact via email and text and such, in order to co-parent. That is fine. But invariably, she will try to move past the "just business" part of our communication, and try to engage me more personally.

You know, little innocuous things like sharing an inside joke, asking for advice or emotional support, etc. The sort of thing that would have been normal *before*. And the sort of thing that feels natural to engage in.

Now, when any interaction moves beyond business, I just stop interacting. That, too, has made a world of difference. I don't banter, I don't say what I really think and suggest she go cry on her boyfriend's shoulder - I just let it go. And I find that I am happier for doing so!

Keep it up!

My Wedding Anniversary is tomorrow Do I not make contact or if she does, do I respond? Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. I have to pick up my kids from her tomorrow at 430 and drop them off to her at 9pm. I don't know wether to do anything or act like it's just another day. Any advice on what I should do??
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Old 12th February 2017, 10:34 PM   #65
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My Wedding Anniversary is tomorrow Do I not make contact or if she does, do I respond? Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. I have to pick up my kids from her tomorrow at 430 and drop them off to her at 9pm. I don't know wether to do anything or act like it's just another day. Any advice on what I should do??
Oh, man... you are probably in for a hard day. I am sorry.

I would suggest that you stay the course. Do not give in to nostalgia: try to treat tomorrow as if it were any other day. If she should reach out to you, be kind if you can, but do not cave. If she shows signs of reconciliation, and if she is sincere, then that door will be open to you 48 hours from now. But if she reaches out to you merely from her own weakness, her message might not be real.

Anniversaries are dangerous days for broken couples.

Try to focus on the kids, and on having a good afternoon with them. Good luck.
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Old 12th February 2017, 10:45 PM   #66
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You can only fix yourself. She has to take care of her end.

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Old 13th February 2017, 8:31 PM   #67
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So I received my orders. I have orders to stay here in the local area. I didn't tell my wife since she kept askIng me. I did the 180 and ignored her. She then responds "Please don't stay here" "It's not healthy". Her mom is telling me she is saying the opposite. At this point, don't know what to believe
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Old 15th February 2017, 12:39 AM   #68
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She is lying to her mom. Continue the 180 and plan the divorce. What terms are you planning on. Also the poster who question if she lost all benefits because of divorce is correct in regards to pension etc but I believe state laws apply otherwise. If you if are in NC fault matters. So a PI might be worth the money.

Talk to a lawyer!!
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Old 15th February 2017, 3:46 PM   #69
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appreciate everyone's insight. She does feel she has control. I was wanting to initiate the no contact rule but I have kids which makes it tough, cause I still have to deal with her on that accord plus I see her when we arrange pick up and drop off location. I am no longer talking to her beyond that as of today. She told me she doesn't trust me or my motives anymore. I think she is really selfish not to even try marriage counseling as she suggested she gave it Ten years. She is still acting distant and cold and I been back for 34 days now. I have orders to a clinic here for the next 3 years which will take me to retirement so God blessed me with that, so I can atleast have my kids. She tells me "You can do whatever you feel you have to do, it's your choice" and that she is focusing on her now, finishing RN school and taking care of the kids and "if I am still there through all of this, so be it. If not, she wishes me well and success". She said it's my choice if I want to leave and divorce but she has a hardened heart at the moment. She brought up all the issues she had with me throughout the marriage which made her feel the way she does. I can tell she has a lot of hurt, and her and resentment towards me from that and plus the texting incident as that is brought up a lot. Just going to give her space and hope she comes around and misses me. I did contact a lawyer, so I'm covered as far as that goes but I also don't want to end my marriage so soon with having any regrets.
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Old 15th February 2017, 7:50 PM   #70
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Then work on the issues she gave you. Can you give me three examples? Also clarify if separation means no dating. I assume you are paying CS ad spousal support?

Also what do you. Do in the service.

Last edited by Jersey born raised; 15th February 2017 at 7:54 PM..
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Old 24th February 2017, 1:58 PM   #71
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Then work on the issues she gave you. Can you give me three examples? Also clarify if separation means no dating. I assume you are paying CS ad spousal support?

Also what do you. Do in the service.

I'm a Navy Corpsman with Marines(Medical). I am paying her what the military requires me to pay since there is no court order.
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Old 24th February 2017, 2:07 PM   #72
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UPDATE: it's been 45 days since I been back. There is still no progress. Today she asked if I could get the kids in July, which is 5 months away. I asked her if she plans on being separated that long, and she stated "Probably". I followed up with a question and asked if she did not plan on reconciling with me and she stated "I am in school". I told her that has nothing to do with our marriage, as she was in school before while we where married. I asked her again and she never responded. Today, I will cut contact with her. I feel as though I am just her babysitter when she needs something. I was really hoping time would change things for the better but it doesn't seem like it. She is emotionally and physically detached from me. She doesn't want to meet in person to talk nor talk about our issues over the phone. She can't even look me in the eyes. I'm not sure what's going on in her life. Maybe it is time to move on with my life. It's just super tough cause I still have feelings for her even though she is a completely different person now. I just don't see how such a dramatic change could happen. I'm just hurt, lost,confused and sad.
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Old 24th February 2017, 2:16 PM   #73
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UPDATE: it's been 45 days since I been back. There is still no progress. Today she asked if I could get the kids in July, which is 5 months away. I asked her if she plans on being separated that long, and she stated "Probably". I followed up with a question and asked if she did not plan on reconciling with me and she stated "I am in school". I told her that has nothing to do with our marriage, as she was in school before while we where married. I asked her again and she never responded. Today, I will cut contact with her. I feel as though I am just her babysitter when she needs something. I was really hoping time would change things for the better but it doesn't seem like it. She is emotionally and physically detached from me. She doesn't want to meet in person to talk nor talk about our issues over the phone. She can't even look me in the eyes. I'm not sure what's going on in her life. Maybe it is time to move on with my life. It's just super tough cause I still have feelings for her even though she is a completely different person now. I just don't see how such a dramatic change could happen. I'm just hurt, lost,confused and sad.

Military Man

Have you (forgive me I've lost track) received any legal advise? I think i stated earlier that she's staying married to you for the benefits from you. Are you paying her living and educational expenses? Along with NC, I would say fine, you don't want to work on "US" then we're done. Do what you have to do legally, file for D and see if that doesn't get a different response but i still believe she is merely keeping the M status for the $$'s, insurance etc.

Best Wishes and thank you for serving.
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Old 24th February 2017, 3:10 PM   #74
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The only moneybshe is getting from me is what is required by the military, as I have no court order. She pays her own Rent,Car, and all her bills. None of it is in my name
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Old 26th February 2017, 1:03 AM   #75
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Hi,

Please clarify has she stated she will not date and if you want to reconcile neither will she?

How you describe your wife fits the profile of a walk away wife except she took the children with her.

What type of set custody arrangement do you have now. Bear in mind if you do go to court they will tend to try to keep the current arrangement. So watch out for establishing a status qou.

You need to see a lawyer and establish a "plan B" which is the end of the marriage and a post divorce life before a "plan A" which is reconcilation right now.

Are you aware of the term FOO? (family of origin). This could be a huge factor.

Finally you should seek IC/MC for yourself. If at some point she wants to join you fine but for now start on your own.
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