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Old 15th November 2016, 12:25 PM   #1
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Wife wants to separate

First time on this site, so let me give you all some background...

My wife and I have been together since we were 18. We met in June of 2005 and found out we were pregnant with our daughter in October. She was born in July of 2006 and we were married in May of 2007. I don't think we were madly in love at first, but over time, we both fell in love. We were blessed with a son in April of 2009 and things had been great...or so I thought...

My wife has always dealt with anxiety and depression. She had struggled with her weight her whole life and after the two kids, it only got worse. She eventually got up the courage to attend some IC for the depression etc. in 2013.

I am not an emotional person...I am very logical and rational. I like to be in control of the situation and know what is going on. We complemented each other well.

In 2014/2015 she began talking about gastric bypass surgery. I encouraged her towards it, as I thought it would benefit her health and her mental state. I am happy to say she has killed it and has lost nearly 125 lbs. in less than 2 years. She has felt more confident in herself and is starting to feel beautiful, which is great.

Over the last 3 years of her attending IC, she has asked me to attend with her on a few occasions. I always refused, stating my dislike of therapists and thought they were a waste of time. I was happy it was working for her, but didn't see the benefit of me attending. To be fair, we did have discussions over those 3 years about how she wasn't happy and I wasn't meeting her emotional needs. I didn't listen...I was stubborn and often changed for a few weeks and then reverted back. Eventually she just stopped talking to me about it and I (stupidly) assumed everything was fine.

About 2 weeks ago, I logged on to Facebook, thinking it was my profile. She had left herself logged in and I didn't notice. There were some messages with another guy that started off innocent enough, and then crossed the line. She started telling him that she felt butterflies around him, thought he was very attractive and even exchanged phone numbers so as to possible meet up for lunch behind my back. I was shocked and mortified...My wife is the most moral and trustworthy person I know. I couldn't believe she would do this...

I confronted her that evening and she didn't try to hide or deny it. She said she felt a deep connection with this guy (she had literally met him for 30 mins at our daughter's cheer practice the week before, and then spent 6 hours sending messages on FB). It didn't make sense to me. I agreed that we needed to attend counseling and said I would do whatever she needed me to do. I did ask her to text the guy and tell him that she had made a mistake and was going to work on things with me. She said that she would, that she needed some space and she'd like to sleep on the couch for the next few nights. I agreed.

The next morning I awoke early for work. She had also gotten up to take the dog out, so I asked her if she had messaged him. She told me she did and that he had said that he understood and it was fine. But something didn't feel right. My wife is a horrible liar and I could see right through it. I kept pressing and she confessed that she had sent him PG-13 pictures and he had reciprocated with R-rated pics. They had also spent 2 hours on the phone after I had gone to bed and had phone sex.

I was devastated. We went to her IC together and she talked about how I hadn't been emotionally supportive, had been condescending and disrespectful to her feelings over the last years (all true). She said that she had been wrestling with these thoughts (leaving me) for the better part of the 3 years and that meeting this guy had given her the courage to speak up. I told her that I still wanted to make this work and just needed a chance to make these changes. I agreed to attend my own IC for these issues, as well as marriage counseling together. She has for space for 6 days before the marriage counseling appointment and I agreed I would do my best...

Well, my best sucked, to say the least. I was so broken and hurt that I badgered her with questions and discussions about us. I'm not used to dealing with emotions and I didn't know how to handle it. I did give her some space for the last 3 days, but it was too late.

At the marriage counseling session, she told me she wanted to separate. She said she had never felt so sure about a decision. We agreed to make it through the holidays for the kids and then figure everything out in January. The counselor encouraged me to continue seeing my IC to work on my issues and to do it for myself and not to save the marriage (easier said than done).

We are currently still living in our house together and sleeping in the same bed (King size, opposite sides). It is daily torture for me to see her and not be able to hold her, touch her, kiss her, tell her how sorry I am and how much I care. The kids know something is up, but we are going to be quiet for now. We agreed that in January, I would move out for a month for a "trial separation". At first she told me we could use this time to see if she missed me at all or if us being apart caused her to feel anything. Now, it's just to temper the kids into the idea. We have a house together and can't afford a mortgage and rent payment, so in February I would come back and we would start working on the logistics of the separation.

To be clear, I don't want to separate at all. I feel like she is throwing away 10 years of marriage, the house we worked so hard for and doing emotional harm to the kids, without even giving me a chance to change. I realize this has been a long time coming for her, but in my mind, this has all happened in 14 days. Three weeks ago, I had a wife, kids, etc. and everything was ok. Now my whole world has been torn down. I can't eat, I can barely sleep. She seems so at peace with this and so calm. To see her just sitting on the couch in the evening and knowing that she isn't feeling the pain and hurt I am, just causes me more pain.

I don't know what to do. I have realized that begging, pleading and whining isn't going to get her back. She has told me that she is open to me changing, but that it probably won't change anything. I'm scared...I've never been with anyone else, never been single...I'm scared for my kids...I scared for my wife. I don't want to throw this all away and then have her realize this was a mistake in 10 months when the damage has been done. I will love her until the day I die and right now, I'd take her back no matter what, at anytime...

How do I get rid of this pain? Is all hope gone? Sorry for the major rant and back-story...but it felt good to type it all out and see it...
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Old 15th November 2016, 12:38 PM   #2
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Sorry to say, she's checked out of the marriage. It seems it's over.

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Originally Posted by kesta86 View Post
We agreed that in January, I would move out for a month for a "trial separation".
Firstly: trial separation? Trial of what? Trials should have clearly defined goals and verifiable results. What is it a trial of? Whether you can live without each other? Of course you can, of course she can. Don't do a trial separation. She's talking rubbish when she says she will use the time to see if she misses you. She will use it to spend time with the other man, without you looking over her shoulder.

Second, why will you be the one to move out? She is the one who has lost feelings and has cheated, right? So she should be the one to move out. And this moving back in Feb, what will you do if she changes the locks? You'll be screwed, and she'll be sitting pretty, that's what.

You NEED to see a lawyer and take legal advice, ASAP. This divorce is coming whether you like it or not. You should batten down the hatches, line up your ducks, and prepare for it. You current plan is to stick your head in the sand. Not good...
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Old 15th November 2016, 12:41 PM   #3
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Separation is for her to be able to spend time with her other man. NEVER leave your home. Worst thing you can do. Wake Up!!!!!

You move out other man takes your place. Your wife is a lying cheater

If you're smart you'll tell his wife if he's married. I'd also expose to a select group of family and friends his and hers. No warning

You try to be Mr Nice Guy and nice her back, play the "pick me dance" your going to get left in the dust.

Last edited by Marc878; 15th November 2016 at 12:44 PM..
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Old 15th November 2016, 12:48 PM   #4
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Dude. I am so sorry. This is heartbreaking. Consider yourself man-hugged. Okay a few things:

1. When women say they're done (with calm certainty), that almost always means they're done done. They've untangled all the emotional strings. Put to bed all the good memories. They've "unbonded" so to say.

2. She's all calm and in her happy place because she is in her happy place. Whether you agree with it or not, she's felt emotionally starved for attention and emotional bonding for what... 3 years now. Her life has been a cold wreck of an existence. Now she feels appreciated. Emotionally connected. Sexually satisfied. By this other guy. She also feels very certain she's doing the right thing. So ya, that's really about it.

3. The road to Hell is paved with the words "I'll change". You probably won't. Or if you do, you won't with her. Too much history. Too much muscle memory. Too much habit.

4. Your world only feels like it is ending. It really isn't. You know the best thing you can do? Start planning for the future and stopped holding on to the past. I know, don't give up but don't become so fixated on it that anything but a complete reversal and reconciliation will feel like the end of the world. Man, that's a place you don't want to be.

My XW sprung the "i'm done" on me. I panicked for about a week. Then started looking ahead. The hardest part was telling the girls. I won't lie to you - it totally sucks. The worst thing ever. But after the 30 seconds of terror things started to improve. And improve. Today I am 1 billion times the father I was before. Life is amazing aside from the massive check I have to write each month. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I got to reinvent myself.

And you can too. Don't give up but also don't get stuck holding onto something that may be gone forever.

Best of luck!

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Old 15th November 2016, 12:48 PM   #5
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Quote:
Firstly: trial separation? Trial of what? Trials should have clearly defined goals and verifiable results. What is it a trial of? Whether you can live without each other? Of course you can, of course she can. Don't do a trial separation. She's talking rubbish when she says she will use the time to see if she misses you. She will use it to spend time with the other man, without you looking over her shoulder.
A trial to see if she missed me, if she her feelings changed and to get the kids used to me not living in the house. The other guy was only in town visiting family and lives on the other side of the country (California), so I'm not worried about her having physical relationship with him. She has told me multiple times that it's not about him, it's about the feeling she had with him and realizing that she no longer had those feelings with me.

Quote:
Second, why will you be the one to move out? She is the one who has lost feelings and has cheated, right? So she should be the one to move out. And this moving back in Feb, what will you do if she changes the locks? You'll be screwed, and she'll be sitting pretty, that's what.
We own the house together and have two young children. She isn't a vengeful bitch. She wouldn't change the locks. And it's easier for me to move out then her to leave. My work schedule precludes me from being around in the AM to get the kids off to school, so they would have to go with her which would obviously be far more disruptive.

She told me she wants to stay close and be close friends. She wants this to be amicable and the obvious, "I still love you, just not in love with you". I want the same. This is just still all so fresh and raw to me and I don't know how to deal with it. I know I need to make the changes for myself, but I can't help but hold on to the glimmer of hope that she'll see my changes over the next 8 weeks and miss me in January and take me back...I just can't imagine being with anyone else (since I haven't ever been), and the thought of her with another man makes me physically sick. We both agreed that we wouldn't be dating or anything anytime soon. I think I'll always hold out hope, but I know I have to stop acting like a lost puppy...It's just so damn hard...
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Old 15th November 2016, 12:49 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
Separation is for her to be able to spend time with her other man. NEVER leave your home. Worst thing you can do. Wake Up!!!!!

You move out other man takes your place. Your wife is a lying cheater

If you're smart you'll tell his wife if he's married. I'd also expose to a select group of family and friends his and hers. No warning

You try to be Mr Nice Guy and nice her back, play the "pick me dance" your going to get left in the dust.
Agreed here. She moves out. Not you.

I made this mistake and it is the only thing I regret. She moves out.
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Old 15th November 2016, 12:52 PM   #7
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One more thing. If you want any chance of reconciliation - she has to be the one to move. If you move her life goes on with minimal changes except for the part she doesn't want anymore - you. She moves out and she immediately understands the gravity of the decision.

She moves out. Do not compromise on this.
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Old 15th November 2016, 12:56 PM   #8
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One more thing. If you want any chance of reconciliation - she has to be the one to move. If you move her life goes on with minimal changes except for the part she doesn't want anymore - you. She moves out and she immediately understands the gravity of the decision.

She moves out. Do not compromise on this.
My work schedule doesn't allow me to be around for the kids in the morning, so she would have to take them with her. Doesn't make sense...We also will have to work on selling the house and can't afford to pay the mortgage and a rent payment for someone to live somewhere else for any extended period. We can make it work for January, but then I would come back until we sell the house and both move to our own places...

I guess I'm just still trying to wrap my head around this all...
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Old 15th November 2016, 1:00 PM   #9
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Quote:
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2. She's all calm and in her happy place because she is in her happy place. Whether you agree with it or not, she's felt emotionally starved for attention and emotional bonding for what... 3 years now. Her life has been a cold wreck of an existence. Now she feels appreciated. Emotionally connected. Sexually satisfied. By this other guy. She also feels very certain she's doing the right thing. So ya, that's really about it.
And this is the part that blows my mind. She literally sent 30 mins with this guy in the Middle School gym casually chatting, then a week later, sends FB messages, half naked pictures and has phone sex. Then he goes back to California and she says she wants to separate because she felt a deep emotional connection with him? HUH? I know that I have been neglectful and overall a d*** for 3 years. I also get that he gave her some attention and she hadn't had attention from anyone other than me (in her mind, this was due to her weight...now that she's lost so much, I think she's feeling more confident and wondering if a "better" guy will pay attention to her now). That's a really a****** thing to say, but it's how I feel...I love this woman more than life itself and I can't let go of this...
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Old 15th November 2016, 1:08 PM   #10
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Yeah the gastric bypass.....it's extremely common for women to have this and then start cheating. Tons of articles about it.

Sadly nothing you can do, she wants to explore with her new body and likely enjoys the attention that she has most likely never got.

I have a friend who went through the very same thing, wife had the procedure lost close to 200 pounds and turned into a good time girl for everyone except him. He fought for the marriage but finally gave up and moved on with his life. Several years later she started sniffing around.

He is happily married and she is 45 years old hanging out at bars looking for a guy.

Point being you can't compete or be fairly compared to the attention she is getting now. At some point she will likely snap out of it but you can do nothing now.
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Old 15th November 2016, 1:14 PM   #11
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Better protect yourself. She is capable of anything at this time. You didn't ever think she'd cheat did you?

Friends???? Definition: loyal, honest trustworthy. They all want the friends thing. It's yo alleviate guilt and be able to say see "he's ok with what I'm doin".

In the meantime you'll be hanging on acting needy and clingy which will push her further away.

If you chase they will flee but I doubt anyone will be able to tell you anything you're going to learn the hard way.
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Old 15th November 2016, 1:26 PM   #12
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And here's the other thing... our work schedules are much different. I work from six in the morning until two in the afternoon and she is from 830 until five. Therefore she's around to get the kids on the bus and off to school in the morning but she would need me to get the kids every afternoon until she gets home from work. After we sell the house,I would have to get the kids from the bus and either take them back to my new place, or wait for her to get home at her new place with the kids. This would cause us to have daily contact. She said she still wants to be a family, Still wants to do dinners and family events. If I stop acting like a lost puppy and act confident and make my changes, does this possibly give me hope for reconciliation down the road?
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Old 15th November 2016, 1:47 PM   #13
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All the family thing will do is keep you in limbo and make it easy for her to dump you. Don't go there

180 hard no contact except for the kids. text or email only and keep that short. Stop calling her and do not answer her calls. Acting like a puppy here will just make this worse.

If you chase they will flee. Get a haircut, some new clothes, cologne. Being at her beck and call will do you no good.
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Old 15th November 2016, 2:37 PM   #14
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Before the divorce is filed , before anyone moves out , I can bet you , all soon to be exes are great. Reason is so that you move out the marital house easily, without fighting for who stays or goes.

The moment you step out , you lose a huge part.

Play it right. All smart attorneys first sentence is : don't leave the house.
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Old 15th November 2016, 2:37 PM   #15
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I'm sorry about this situation.

You've received some good advice and hopefully you can think clearly enough to put it into practice.

Most, if not all of us, have traveled the road you are on. In my case, I thought I could not live without my wife --- but wait --- I lived the first 22 years of my life without being married, so why couldn't I live another 22 years?? And if I can do it, you can too. I'm not saying your marriage is doomed, but don't allow your mind to play tricks on yourself. You can come out of this standing tall.

And don't think I'm pushing you towards divorce or even separation. I don't agree with filing divorce for any reason nor do I agree with separation or even getting remarried if your spouse files divorce.

Yes, I'm all for reconciliation, but I'm also for letting the spouse go that wants to go.

And that is the catch: The one that wants to go is the one that must move.

You can't afford a mortgage and rent?? She should have thought of that last month.

If she wants a trial separation, then help her pack --- and don't break her stuff. Pack it all nicely, and if you must stop to cry, do that too. Crying is good, as long as you don't do it for the rest of your life.

And you really should make a separate bedroom in the basement or living room -- wherever --- just make sure it's in your house. King bed or not -- that is absolute torture. You don't need to do that to yourself. I made a separate bedroom and my wife moved out 5 months later. I'll sleep in bed with my true wife, but I sure won't be in the same bed with an enemy. She wants a trial separation, tell her this is the best she is going to get right now.

I know, you might be thinking that whatever you do right now will push her over the edge. If you don't do things properly, as she demands, you will lose her forever. Yeah, that's normal to think like that. But really, you already lost her.....and she is the one that must choose to want you as her husband. I think she is just trying to con you by having you move. Don't fall for anymore of her tricks.

And please do not take all the blame for what has happened. I sense that you are beating yourself up for being emotionally distant, would not go to counseling, etc. That is just an excuse for her to justify her actions. You could have been a Saint, and she still would have done this. I'm guessing she really wants to be set free, and is trying to to do it all on her terms.

If I were a gambler, I'd also bet $5 dollars that she is hoping you'll be silly enough to leave. She can tell the kids you moved out....she'll tell everyone that you abandoned her and the kids.

So please, move to the basement or to the living room.

Your kids will remember if you move out!!!

Make a Judge tell you to get out --- but don't leave voluntarily.

Last edited by LancasterAmos1966; 15th November 2016 at 2:40 PM..
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