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Divorce Diary


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 22nd June 2016, 1:18 AM   #16
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Sunday again.

My blood pressure is 190/100.

I am going to the doctor tomorrow and asking him to try antidepressants again.

I can't explain the despair. How you can hurt so weirdly with nothing physical being wrong, that empty, scooped out feeling.

I tried going to church. I spoke to a priest. I prayed in the garden behind the vestibule. I went to a mini prayer meeting and had a nice woman hold me and pray for me. I rode my bike almost 20 miles again, downtown and back.

But the only thing that really helps is packing my tablet in my bike bag, riding to this Mexican place that has no particular memories, having a couple of margaritas and chips and salsa and reading the posts on this forum that I found, Loveshack. I sit in the bar and mentally commiserate with strangers.

I get a little peace, I go home, make some pizza and vegetables and am able to finally watch tv again. I am so grateful for a little peace. It doesn't last, but I'll take what I can.

[---The following is part of my diary. I am nobody but some poor slob who has all kinds of issues. And no friends.

My wife was all I had. I'm not telling anybody what's right or wrong. I'm just trying to be honest and tell you stuff------]

I have drank off and on throughout my life, never irresponsibly, but quite consistently. No drama, no histrionics, no hangovers, no puking. Total self medication. No one has ever seen me drunk and my wife always said she wouldn't even know I was drinking if she didn't see it.

But I feel better. The world tells me that this is not good, so I try to take that into consideration.

But you know what? Buspar, Serzone Wellbutrin, Prozac, and Zoloft. 9 years of therapy once, sometimes twice a week, religiously.

Twenty dollars worth of liquor beats it all, hands down.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 1:34 AM   #17
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I woke up with a melody in my head...part of a song I seem to have been writing in my sleep. That has only happened once before to me, a long time ago.

So I was able to begin another song. I started fleshing out the rest of the melody and finding the chords. No words are coming to mind yet. It's a great feeling. This will absorb me for a few days. I'm very grateful for a little peace.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 1:51 AM   #18
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I went to the doctor today.

I couldn't even get the words out. I just kept stuttering 'my wife lef...my wife lef.....my...'

He had to finish it for me.

He put me on 150 mg Effexor...Supposed to be for treatment-resistant depression.

I feel pathetic for breaking down like that. But I need help.

I checked my penis at the reception desk and went home and cried like a little girl.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 2:11 AM   #19
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I took all the pictures down, piled them up with some of her other stuff, put it in the guest room and shut the door. How am I supposed to look at our wedding pictures? What a waste. What a shame. What a shame.

We spoke again. All cold, all business. How unreal it is to hear the voice that called out your name when you were intimate, how bizarre it is to hear that voice go cold, robotic, distant.

She's already in Southeast Asia, man. You will be ancient history, she will have to struggle to recall your face, and she won't even be forty years old.

She's basically going to take anything she paid for. We kept separate bank accounts and had our own cars. No children. I have a lot to be thankful for.

I will buy her out from the house. I just got off the phone an hour ago and I ran to the Wells Fargo down the block and already applied for a home equity loan.

I'm doing everything I can. I still feel miserable.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 2:16 AM   #20
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I remembered something today.

Over eight years ago.

When I was at the restaurant where we met, I confided in a customer that I became friendly with. It was after hours and we were just hanging out with the door locked, drinking and shooting the sh#t. I told him about her and me. He got all salacious and crap, falling all over himself, practically drooling, congratulating me and asking for all the details.

I told him no man, no. You got it all wrong. I love her. I haven't even slept with her yet. This is the real deal.

He suddenly got serious and a little sad.

"You poor guy," he said. "You poor guy."

Last edited by Tuesday After; 22nd June 2016 at 2:26 AM..
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Old 22nd June 2016, 3:23 AM   #21
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I think I figured out something and it's not good.

From the moment this started, all I was doing was calculating the best way to get her back.

As I read more of the stuff on the forum, I realize that I was instinctively doing a lot of the stuff people recommend. The only chance at getting someone back is letting them go. I'm just playing a game, acting like I'm pushing her out as fast as possible. Here's your hat, what's your hurry?

You're not doing a good job, you're just calculating...you're still thinking that the music is gonna swell and the girl is gonna rush back into your arms.

You are a pathetic sap.

The problem is that my brain knows there's no chance. But I know myself. I'm gonna hold on at every stage. I'm gonna hang on and hang on by the skin of my teeth, hoping at every turn, while trying to play this stupid macho game that no girl who knew anything about her man would ever believe. I'm gonna hold on until I fall in love with someone else. And then I'm still gonna slip and call her by my ex-wife's name.

That's why I'm trying antidepressants again. I'm afraid that when the penny finally drops, I'll really crack up and that will make this pain look like a day at the beach.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 3:29 AM   #22
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I called twelve more shrinks from my Aetna network. One called me back. One out of twelve. What is it with these guys?

I have an appointment Thursday.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 3:38 AM   #23
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I finished the song. I really like it, but who knows?

The shrink was a bust. He wasted the first fifteen minutes of the session on the phone with my insurance company making sure he was going to get paid. What an a-hole. The rest of the session was not much better. I certainly didn't feel anything but disillusionment afterwards. I told him I probably wouldn't be back. I lied. I definitely won't be back.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 11:27 AM   #24
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I've been sleeping 3-4 hours, but the past couple of nights I woke up around 3 am yelling and crying.

This is what happens when you have no friends and no life. This is what happens when you lose yourself.

This is what happens when your world is your spouse.

I've been here twice before and I still couldn't change. I repeat the same pattern over and over.

I seem to keep coming back to the fact that I figure I'm a loner. I like people ok, I guess, but I never find many who interest me that much.

It's stupid when you're hanging out with a bunch of people and all you're thinking about is how you'd rather be home reading.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 11:50 AM   #25
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I have to be honest...I can't get too down on myself. I forgot...I played this differently the last time.

When I lost my second relationship, I went right into survival mode.

I got a job tending bar in one of the hotter places in town. I was surrounded by people. I partied, I drank, I smoked, we did drugs. I went out almost every night.

Then I stopped partying, stopped drinking, quit smoking. I stayed home.

I picked up a girl in a convenience store a month after my partner left. I couldn't bear to sleep with her, but we became friends.

I got involved in martial arts and was at the dojo four nights a week for more than 2 years. I met an unhappily married woman there who was in the middle of a separation and kept coming on to me. It was flattering and I got close to having a thing with her, but I felt too guilty. We became friends.

I had nine months of therapy and meds on my insurance and I used up every day of it.

Then I went back to partying and smoking. Then I quit again.

And I'm telling you from my heart. In the long run, none of it made any damn bit of difference. None of the friends I met turned out to be anything meaningful. I still went home and cried almost every night.

I kept a diary for more than four years and I never got over her. It was ten years before I found my wife.

And now she's gone.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 12:07 PM   #26
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For a minute, I thought music was going to save me.

It was so great to get lost in it again after all these years.

Now I can't even look at my equipment. I open my software, and I close it again. I can't force it.

She texted me she wants to start picking up her stuff and some of the furniture. I told her, fine, but she's got to come when I'm not here and she's got to get out before I'm home. I don't want to see her.

I told her to get the divorce going, I've already applied for the home equity loan. I told her to make this as easy as possible, do the divorce online, she doesn't have to serve me, I will sign and notarize everything, but I'm not going to see her and I'm not going to go to court or anything.

I had taken my ring off the day after she first told me. I really miss it on my finger.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 12:21 PM   #27
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I have to keep remembering how lucky I am.

When my first wife told me she wanted to divorce, I had no place to go. I had to live with her while I figured out what to do. That was horrible. That was really horrible.

It got so sad, that I started to sleep in my car just so I didn't have to see her. Thankfully I very quickly found an apartment.

I guess there are things very seriously wrong with me. It's weird, because on the surface I lead a pretty average life. But there seems to be something really broken in me that neither myself nor the shrinks that I've seen seem to be able to fix.

I'm very grateful for a couple of margaritas, my bicycle, my tablet. I sit at the bar for an hour or two, I'm around a lot of people, and that's enough for now. I go home, I watch tv, I try to sleep.

And I love the chickens. I never would have guessed. I thought she was crazy, but I went with it, and now look who's raising them. I tuck them in every night, and I say hello to them every morning.

She dipped out and left me with the two major things that I did for her: the house and the chickens. The last two things in the world that I would have expected.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 12:25 PM   #28
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She's been to the house a few days this week, picking up whatever she can fit in her car.

It's bad...I always relapse after she's been in the house.

It's like having bits of my body cut off a little at a time.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 12:30 PM   #29
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I've been on the Effexor for 2 weeks. Nothing yet, but antidepressants can take up to 8 weeks to do anything. I'm hopeful.

I'm still going to the bar every night. I'm only having two drinks, and sometimes I'm not even finishing the second one. It's just enough to feel better.

The doctor is certainly not going to encourage drinking, but when I pressed him, he said a few drinks are not going to kill me, just to keep it 4 hours away from the pills. No problem.

It would probably be wise to stop drinking altogether. If nothing else, I am not going to want to keep spending the money.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 12:34 PM   #30
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Today I couldn't remember what she looks like. If someone held a gun to my head I don't think I could picture her face. I can't remember anything about our first years together. I feel like I never knew her, that it was all some vague dream.

I remember having this feeling before, when I lost my other relationships.

It's a very weird and unpleasant feeling. Like she was never there.
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