Update: [Ex-husband] Playing Games

[BlueDress]

I talked a little on the other thread about what was going on but I didn't want to derail the thread more.

 

This weekend we were supposed to go trick-or-treating. Today we were going to meet at school for the kids Halloween production. I waited for him and he came with her. I know I shouldn't have been mad but I was because he should have told me. I was mortified that they showed up in costume. Hers was shocking and inappropriate for school. I was embarrassed to be near them and had to sit somewhere else.

 

The kids did their show which was great but they ran off the stage to see us and her too which is against the terms of seeing them. I guess it can't be helped because they came to her but he shouldn't have brought her. He said after he thought they could only not see her at the hospital but he knows that's not true. I don't want to expose them to her problems. I was really bothered by his sneakiness.

 

He also told me after I asked that she was going with us this weekend. I was really angry and told him that wasn't going to fly. I explained I got gifts for his kids and costumes to wear and was expecting things to be different. He said they didn't need costumes because she made some to match theirs. After how embarrassing her costume was at the school I'm not about to parade around town with her in another one that's probably worse. I put my foot down.

 

Now I don't know what I'm going to do about this weekend. He says he wants to see the kids but I'm not so sure. He wouldn't give me an answer either way. Right now he won't talk to me because he was served with papers for court about me being off his insurance illegally. He says he needs time to think.

 

I'm being clear with what I need. What the kids need. He's just not willing to compromise at all.

[Mr. Lucky]

I understand your motivation, been there and done that.

 

But as a long-time veteran of divorce and co-parenting, you're probably over reaching. You can't control the specifics of what he does, with or without his kids, and/or who he does it with. Sooner rather than later, your kids will interact with his GF, just a fact of divorced life. You might be able to postpone, you can't prevent.

 

I'm sorry for the pain this causes you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

I think you should do the trick or treating with your children without your XH. I'd have no desire to have his wife their either, so if he can't leave her alone at home...then make your own plans with the kids.

 

You need to do things with your children without him. Then you won't hear this nonsense about her making matching costumes. I'd have though someone who is meant to be as sick as she is ...is spending her time on very trivial matters with these costumes. They're not her kids and if she had half a brain...she wouldn't be making them costumes. Doesn't she have enough on her plate with her own 2 kids?

 

It would be in your best interest to be independent where activities with your children are concerned.

 

There's nothing more annoying than a step parent who doesn't know their place, especially where it arose from him having an affair.

[Got it]

I understand your motivation, been there and done that.

 

But as a long-time veteran of divorce and co-parenting, you're probably over reaching. You can't control the specifics of what he does, with or without his kids, and/or who he does it with. Sooner rather than later, your kids will interact with his GF, just a fact of divorced life. You might be able to postpone, you can't prevent.

 

I'm sorry for the pain this causes you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It's not his girlfriend. It's his wife.

[Got it]

What does the agreement say, who is supposed to have the kids on Saturday? We follow the agreement and there are no issues.

[BlueDress]

I agree she is overstepping. I went out of my way to get the kids costumes that would all match. Now their two kids will be dressed where it makes no sense with out two kids. I can't return the costumes and he won't pay me back for them. I don't think having her sit home so we can go out is a big deal. He should have said she was coming and didn't want costumes for the two kids that worked with ours. He says the twins picked the outfits and they picked something around it but it would have been nice to know first.

 

On Saturday is my day but holidays we are supposed to share on special events. Before he'd take them two hours and I'd take them two hours because trick or treating is 4 hours but she can't be near them until we go to court because of what she's exposing them to. I told him with me or not at all. It looks like it's not at all. This is the first thing he's ever missed.

[StBreton]

What does your decree say about this Halloween?

 

Why do you keep calling this man your "husband" when he's married to someone else?

 

When you say you don't want your kids exposed to their stepmom's "problems" are you referring to her terminal illness or is she doing drugs or has emotional problems and causes a ruckus? If it's the illness ...that's pretty cold.

 

If this is your Halloween ...just do the trick or treating with your kids solo ...it'll be better for your kids to not feel any tension as you seem to have a lot of bitterness in your heart toward your ex husband's new wife. It's been 6 years he's been gone ...if you guys haven't figured this stuff out yet maybe it's time to renegotiate terms or something.

 

Fwiw ...I don't think your ex H is playing games ...he just wants to be with his family and that includes his new wife.

Edited October 30, 2015 by StBreton

[qubist]

Bluedress: you are destroying any possibility for you to get back with him after her eventual death while destroying your relationship with your kids too. Remember she is dying and deserves sympathy. By your action toward her you are pushing him away from you, don't get me wrong I know how you feel, she did steal him from you once, but that's history. You gotta move on for your own sake.

If you really want your ex back at some point you have to show him that you care, and you are missing on an opportunity to do it know.

[sandylee1]

Bluedress: you are destroying any possibility for you to get back with him after her eventual death while destroying your relationship with your kids too. Remember she is dying and deserves sympathy. By your action toward her you are pushing him away from you, don't get me wrong I know how you feel, she did steal him from you once, but that's history. You gotta move on for your own sake.

If you really want your ex back at some point you have to show him that you care, and you are missing on an opportunity to do it know.

 

I don't think the OP owes the new wife any sympathy at all, however she's not helping any remote chance of getting her X back.

 

You can't really be a family friend ...then go off with the husband and expect sympathy even if you are dying. I certainly wouldn't expect sympathy if I were the new wife.

 

OP - You still wanting him after all this will make him loose respect for you. You come across as desperate. It will just inflate his ego - that after everything he's done. ...you still want him.

 

Now, I don't think I'd have any compassion for the woman who helped destroy my marriage...but I will never allow a man to betray me and keep the door open for him

 

 

The best thing you can do is get out there and start seeing other men...even just casually. Your XH isn't the last man on earth. You should never make anyone that important in your life. Don't you think you deserve better?

[qubist]

I don't think the OP owes the new wife any sympathy at all, however she's not helping any remote chance of getting her X back.

 

You can't really be a family friend ...then go off with the husband and expect sympathy even if you are dying. I certainly wouldn't expect sympathy if I were the new wife.

 

OP - You still wanting him after all this will make him loose respect for you. You come across as desperate. It will just inflate his ego - that after everything he's done. ...you still want him.

 

Now, I don't think I'd have any compassion for the woman who helped destroy my marriage...but I will never allow a man to betray me and keep the door open for him

 

 

The best thing you can do is get out there and start seeing other men...even just casually. Your XH isn't the last man on earth. You should never make anyone that important in your life. Don't you think you deserve better?

I was not suggesting that OP owes sympathy or anything to the new wife. I was referring to her ex and her kids having that sympathy and compassion toward here as understandable. If my wife or anybody I know was dying I would want go out of my way to make have some good time like a Halloween party.

OP definitely doesn't owe her any sympathy but she needs to understand that she is a wife of her ex and a stepmom to her kids. Her actions will only make her ex resent her more

[Lurkeraspect]

It's not his girlfriend. It's his wife.

 

The wife he's been married to for 6-7 years. The wife who is terminally ill. The wife the OP despises and is jealous of. The wife who OPs children adore.

 

The only one playing games here, is the OP.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Once again your posts tell me your husband was right in leaving you. Every post is about you and your feelings. Not once have i ever gotten the impression that you think of anyone but yourself. Its not hard to see from an outsiders prospective why he left you. You got dumped for being selfish. You really think you will win him back by being even more selfish, and continuing your selfish ways? You got some work to do OP if you want a happy relationship. The work is all on your end. When will you face this fact? The sooner the better for your own mental well being.

[StBreton]

Once again your posts tell me your husband was right in leaving you. Every post is about you and your feelings. Not once have i ever gotten the impression that you think of anyone but yourself. Its not hard to see from an outsiders prospective why he left you. You got dumped for being selfish. You really think you will win him back by being even more selfish, and continuing your selfish ways? You got some work to do OP if you want a happy relationship. The work is all on your end. When will you face this fact? The sooner the better for your own mental well being.

 

Not once in all the OPs posts have I heard her say anything nice or positive about her children. It's really sad. OP ...you're hurting your kids. Spend your time playing good games with them.

[minimariah]

i fail to understand why do you have problems with her going with you.

 

what do you mean by not wanting the kids to be bothered by her problems? they are a family - she is your children's stepmother & your children's siblings mother. i'm sure they won't "bother" the kids with some serious life issues but spend normal bonding time with them.

 

why on Earth should he tell you when he picks up HIS kids with HIS WIFE? why are you preventing him from seeing the children...? is the court and child services aware of this?

 

you keep harrassing and bullying this man, his wife and their family all while targeting them when times are really hard for them - on purpose.

[SoulCat]

I went out of my way to get the kids costumes that would all match. Now their two kids will be dressed where it makes no sense with out two kids. I can't return the costumes and he won't pay me back for them.

 

Where do you get off buying their 2 kids costumes? What they wear is none of your business. Did you even tell them about your altruistic sacrifices beforehand?

They would have told you not to bother and you wouldn't be out of pocket.

 

And seriously, having the gall to complain that he won't 'pay you back'? It's not like he asked you to get them in the fist place.

 

 

I don't think having her sit home so we can go out is a big deal.

 

Considering this may well be the last time she's got the chance to go trigger-treating with her husband and their kids??

No biggie at all.... *SMH*.

 

 

I told him with me or not at all. It looks like it's not at all. This is the first thing he's ever missed.

 

So he'd rather miss out altogether than spend a single minute with you.

Can't say I blame him.

[pidgeon1010]

WOW. I just read through your previous posts as well and I don't know what else to say other than you need professional help to come to terms with the divorce and the fact that your ex husband has moved on.

 

You still sound very bitter. Why can't his wife go trick-or-treating? Her two kids will be there as well. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER COSTUME if you are being honest with yourself. If her outfit had been so inappropriate for a school, I am sure people would have complained and she would have been ushered out of the event. To say you don't want her to come because of her costume is dubious and you know it. Btw what exactly are her problems? Being terminally ill? wow.

 

You had planned it all in your mind that it was going to be just you, him and the kids (and you trying to charm his step kids so they like you for whatever reason---probably as part of your plan to get him back when/if she passes away from her illness). When you found out she is coming along, you are now pissed and want to punish your ex. How self-centered. Everything is about you you you you you you you. What harm will it do for all of you to go trick-or-treating? SHEEEESH.

Edited October 30, 2015 by pidgeon1010

[sandylee1]

Not once in all the OPs posts have I heard her say anything nice or positive about her children. It's really sad. OP ...you're hurting your kids. Spend your time playing good games with them.

 

To be fair she's not here to talk about her children. This is not the family section of the forum. It's about her Ex husband.

 

I really don't see why you're doing things like Halloween with your ex when you're no longer a family unit.

[Sandy43]

The only reason you are upset is because you thought it would be a chance to be with your EX husband. You don't want her there because you are trying to get him back not because of any lame excuse about her costume. Your motives are completely transparent and it's terrible that you are using the children as a pawn in this.

[Mr. Lucky]

The only reason you are upset is because you thought it would be a chance to be with your EX husband. You don't want her there because you are trying to get him back not because of any lame excuse about her costume. Your motives are completely transparent and it's terrible that you are using the children as a pawn in this.

 

I told myself once, never post the first reply - broke my own rule in this thread. Amazing how the real information trickles out as the pages turn.

 

OP, I'm sorry for your pain, self-inflicted though it may be...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BlueDress]

Her costume was inappropriate. Tacky. She had it again for the afternoon parties with the kids. Halloween tomorrow is a big mess. She said she would hand out candy with their kids and he could go with our kids. He said no. Then our kids got upset because they wanted the twins to go. She said she rather have them with her. I think she wants them to be a set piece to her costume. I said he had to come it's the twins and our kids but he said no. I don't know what is happening now. He has never not been there for the kids on a special day. He asked for the kids and I said no. I feel a little guilty but I have to think of the kids.

 

I don't want her around the kids when she's sick. She takes medications and I don't know what they are. She is upsetting to look at. I don't want the kids to deal with that.

 

I don't know where she had time to make costumes. He says she made them awhile ago. She is always doing things with the sewing machine. Her thing I guess. She does things all the time for the kids with her machine. I agree though. If she's so sick how does she have time to make costumes for her, kids, him? It's all suspicious.

[sandylee1]

I'm struggling to understand why you continue to do family things when you're divorced.

It really is time you stood independently and made plans with your own kids.

 

Perhaps alternate Halloween year to avoid this palava......like other divorced families do to save all this hassle over trick or treating.

 

Why create unecessary stress for no good reason. There comes a time in life when we all have to let it go and move on....now I'm not expecting you to ever like her or feel sympathy for her.....but do bear in mind you can live a happy life without your Ex.....he doesn't define you ......you're not conjoined twins......so why not show him you don't give a damn and focus on you and your kids.

[Lurkeraspect]

I'm struggling to understand why you continue to do family things when you're divorced.

It really is time you stood independently and made plans with your own kids.

 

Perhaps alternate Halloween year to avoid this palava......like other divorced families do to save all this hassle over trick or treating.

 

Why create unecessary stress for no good reason. There comes a time in life when we all have to let it go and move on....now I'm not expecting you to ever like her or feel sympathy for her.....but do bear in mind you can live a happy life without your Ex.....he doesn't define you ......you're not conjoined twins......so why not show him you don't give a damn and focus on you and your kids.

 

It's not that hard to grasp if you've read all she's written. Her master plan is for reconciliation with her ex. (Her words) She uses her kids as weapons to get what she wants. Perfect example her last post. Because the husband wants to trick or treat with all the kids and for his wife to be included; Blue Dress, says no! And calls the whole thing off. It. Must be miserable for all involved. Screw the kids, it's all about the OP.

[minimariah]

Her costume was inappropriate.

 

what was her costume?

 

I feel a little guilty but I have to think of the kids.

 

you aren't thinking of the kids at all. how are you thinking of the kids? what can't your a** stay at home? why can't you stop whining and go with them? why can't you act like an adult, suck it up and spend those 4 hours all together? will the crown fall off from the top of your head?

 

I don't want her around the kids when she's sick. She takes medications and I don't know what they are. She is upsetting to look at. I don't want the kids to deal with that.

 

what on Earth are you talking about?

 

instead of pushing the kids away from her - use this and teach your kids a lesson. that sick people aren't some kind of Satans that need to be avoided to looked at and touched. so what if she takes meds? SHE takes them, not your children! so what if she is sick? she isn't bloody contagious!

 

if it were up to you, we'd dump all the sick people somewhere on North Pole because they're too hard for your too sensitive eyes to look at.

 

I don't know where she had time to make costumes.

 

the woman is sick. she has nothing BUT time on her hands. what is she supposed to do? lock herself and tie herself to a bed? i don't understand why is it such a weird thing for someone to sick to actually do something they ENJOY and to... you know... LIVE.

 

she is sick and has the time to make costumes and be at every meeting at her and your kids school but you, who are HEALTHY, can't find a normal job and stop leeching off of someone else. now, THAT is suspicious.

[Minnie09]

Her costume was inappropriate. Tacky. She had it again for the afternoon parties with the kids. Halloween tomorrow is a big mess. She said she would hand out candy with their kids and he could go with our kids. He said no. Then our kids got upset because they wanted the twins to go. She said she rather have them with her. I think she wants them to be a set piece to her costume. I said he had to come it's the twins and our kids but he said no. I don't know what is happening now. He has never not been there for the kids on a special day. He asked for the kids and I said no. I feel a little guilty but I have to think of the kids.

 

I don't want her around the kids when she's sick. She takes medications and I don't know what they are. She is upsetting to look at. I don't want the kids to deal with that.

 

I don't know where she had time to make costumes. He says she made them awhile ago. She is always doing things with the sewing machine. Her thing I guess. She does things all the time for the kids with her machine. I agree though. If she's so sick how does she have time to make costumes for her, kids, him? It's all suspicious.

 

No it's not.

Are you for real?

You must leave her alone.

Whose weekend is it based on the parenting schedule? Go by that. Leave them be. Seriously. She can make as many costumes and cook as many meals and do whatever she wants, despite her illness. Why do you think it's any of your business? Also, your ex is your ex and can be with his family as much as he wants to be. On Halloween, and always.....

[SoulCat]

I said he had to come it's the twins and our kids but he said no. I don't know what is happening now. He has never not been there for the kids on a special day. He asked for the kids and I said no. I feel a little guilty but I have to think of the kids.

 

You are NOT thinking of the kids. Yet again you are using them as arsenal to get one over on your ex husband's wife.

 

 

I don't want her around the kids when she's sick. She takes medications and I don't know what they are. She is upsetting to look at. I don't want the kids to deal with that.

 

Your reasoning makes no sense at all. This woman has been in your kids lives for the past 6 years. And all of a sudden they're not allowed to see her or spend time with her anymore?

How do you think that makes them feel?

 

The fact that she's sick and takes meds is something that happens to people everywhere and it's just another facet of life, albeit a painful one.

Nevertheless, it's something every parent should teach their kids about.

 

If you got sick, would you remove yourself from their lives because 'you don't want them to have to deal with that'?

 

 

If she's so sick how does she have time to make costumes for her, kids, him? It's all suspicious.

 

I dunno, maybe cause it gives her some sense of normality? Or perhaps she's grabbing every opportunity to make things special, make them count.

 

Either way, it's none of your business.