Marriage w/o being in love for life?

[Tocook]

My husband is an amazing father and husband but I'm not attracted to him, we have no chemistry, and I don't respect him. I'm battling whether I can live with someone like this forever for my kids and the sake of stability because I know he'll always love me.

 

A little history here. We've been together 18 years, married 11 with a 6 and 8 yo children. I've never found him up to par looks wise but he was sweet, tall, asian, would never abuse me or cheat on me, and had an ambitious family. It's interesting that what we thought we wanted as adolescence is very different than want we actually need as adults. Fast forward almost 2 decades later and I hate being the most capable one of the marriage in everything. I am "the boss" of the family, his words. I fix everything, solve all the problems, run the house and even our bedroom activities. I need, to just want, someone more assertive, dominant and ambitious. He's been stuck in the same dead end job and doesn't have any desire look for anything better. He's a mild mannered guy and I'm more of a firecracker so our conversations and interactions are pretty dry. I am also in my prime physically and have the urge to get out there and find someone at my level intellectually and physically. Am I being completely selfish? My friends, family, and even my counselor thinks I'm crazy for wanting to leave this amazing man. But I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with someone I don't have a connection with. Please help!!

Edited December 20, 2014 by Tocook

[lonewalker]

WHy did you marry him the first place?

[Mr. Lucky]

I am also in my prime physically and have the urge to get out there and find someone at my level intellectually and physically.

 

What does finding someone at your "level...physically" mean to you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[LukeRBetts]

wow..... just reading that, i see my EX.... kinda made me think a bit more.

 

Well i dont know what to tell u...im on your husbands end.

 

Have u tried telling your husband this?

 

Have you tried letting go of all the duties and getting him to stand up? or are u a control freak? ( no offence intended)

 

I mean if u have tried then... you happyness is your goal.

And he will be forced to stand up....

 

Good luck...

[Richiebuoy]

If there's no spark or chemistry as you put and you don't see this changing then you must leave and find happiness elsewhere.

 

I had this in my first marriage, I began to slowly realize I was not happy about half way through, maybe it took me a while because she was a good wife and mother, hard working honest and loyal so maybe I thought things would get better..... they didn't...... this dragged out to 29 years when really we should have called it a day after 10.... the fact is I just didn't love her any more.

 

Dont make my mistake.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Finding chemistry with a person is something that you find out in the first six months while dating, not after 18 years and six months. I highly doubt on your wedding day you said or felt this way. If you never loved this man and did, had children and now want to discard him after 18 years, which would be cruel. I highly doubt that this true and therefore your opening remarks are a revision of history.

 

The fact is you don’t respect this man. You say that you are tired of being in charge and want a man who will take charge. Be careful what you ask for in life it may come true. I imagine deep down you like being in charge most of the time. Have you talked to your partner about your concerns? Have you sought professional help to fix these problems? If you do divorce how will this affect your children? How will it affect your husband? Before you start looking for the flavor of the month to entertain you, you have some real hard thinking to do. Be very honest with yourself and make darn sure this can be fixed before you blow up this relationship.

[KBarletta]

Have you talked to your partner about your concerns? Have you sought professional help to fix these problems? ...

 

Be very honest with yourself and make darn sure this can be fixed before you blow up this relationship.

 

I second this.

 

While I do not believe that you should feel obligated to stay with someone you don't respect or have passion for, I DO think that you owe it to your husband, your family and to yourself to turn over every stone and communicate very honestly about your feelings in depth BEFORE you make the decision to leave. If you don't, you may regret it later, and your husband may feel disposable and resentful (trust me).

[stillafool]

Why did you marry this man because it certainly doesn't seem like you ever loved him. Please do him a favor and file for divorce. I hope you both find happiness.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Based on my own experience, all I know is that life is too short to live out the rest of your days unhappy and unfulfilled especially when you're in the prime of your life.

 

Having said that, I'm not advocating separation or divorce or at least NOT until you've turned over every rock first. It starts with the uncomfortable conversation with your spouse and ends up with professional therapy.

 

Unless there is deliberate deceit or abuse on any one partner's part, I think every couple particularly when children are involved to at least TRY to make it work. If it doesn't, if you still feel as you do after some heartfelt conversations and couple's counselling then you must do what you must do.

 

You will sleep better at night knowing that you made every effort to save your marriage regardless which way it goes.

 

Good luck.

[smuggy95]

You loved him but he never grew up. He sounds like he's still a boy. No woman wants to be in charge all of the time. Even bedroom activities?!!?!? Horrifying! No wonder you are unhappy.

 

 

Tell your husband what you feel. He's not the only guy like this. Tell him to look up No More Mr. Nice Guy, by Dr. Robert Glover. Dr. Glover also has classes and podcasts. Give your husband 6 months to listen and see how it jives.

 

 

Sooner or later you will find a man who attracts you. But give your husband a chance to grow.

[smuggy95]

I'm not a commercial by the way. I went through similar. Even if my relationship did not work out (it was too late)...I think it helped both parties become better people and more understanding in the end.

 

 

And it might not be too late for you. I'm actually impressed you haven't fallen into an affair yet!

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm not a commercial by the way. I went through similar. Even if my relationship did not work out (it was too late)...I think it helped both parties become better people and more understanding in the end.

 

 

And it might not be too late for you. I'm actually impressed you haven't fallen into an affair yet!

 

This is VERY important and so bang on!

 

Going to therapy has no guarantees. Sometimes couples can make it work and sometimes they can't for whatever reason. It's the perfect place to hash things out and exorcise demons with the guidance and support of a professional. By doing so, if things don't end with a happily-ever-after, couples can still work together to carve out a more healthy way to separate.

 

I mean, if it turns out that there is no saving this marriage, wouldn't you want to end things amicably if only for the children?

 

So many couples simply can NOT do this on their own which is why therapy is always a good option.

[slizl]

I guarantee that your hubby wants to take control in the bedroom. Let him know you want it and with a little work, he will be giving it to you in no time

[Be_Strong]

It's interesting that what we thought we wanted as adolescence is very different than want we actually need as adults.

 

It's also interesting how much lower of a value we place on things we have than on things we don't have. If you had married a man who was perfect physically and more alpha, but wasn't loyal, stable, sweet or a good father to your children, you'd be complaining now about how your priorities were messed up as an adolescent and you would be craving a person like your current husband.

 

Your situation is extremely common, and leads to many affairs. Most women in your situation develop the belief that the qualities they don't respect in their husband is an inherent part of his personality--so these women never even bother communicating with their husband because it seems futile to them. What these women like yourself fail to understand is that their husbands are behaving in a way that they believe is how their wives want them to act and making their wives happy. It really is just a complete misunderstanding between the spouses.

 

Also note that attraction for women is much, much more about personality than it is physical appearance. The good thing about your husband is that he seems to have some core attributes that can't be taught, such as loyalty and sweetness, etc. So the foundation is there and now he just needs to work on the assertiveness, confidence, ambition and other qualities that will earn your respect and cause the attraction to return.

 

You definitely need to have a serious conversation with your husband and lay it all in the line for him. Don't hold anything back. He may decide that he doesn't want to do anything different or work on things--and then you would have to decide if you want a divorce. But you absolutely have to give him a chance.

[Tocook]

What does finding someone at your "level...physically" mean to you?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

To me, it means that he is sexy and attractive. I know the cliché "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", there's beauty on the inside not just on the outside, and some of it is objective. However, beauty is beauty. My husband is relatively attractive and I thought so while we were dating. I didn't have love goggles on. I actually made a conscious decision that looks weren't as important as what's on the inside. When I was younger and sex was fun and exciting, it was easy to be turned on.

 

Now, after a hard days work with children, I can't find myself being turned on by my husband. Don't get me wrong, I am a highly sexual woman and have no problem getting off on my own or directing H to help me. I just feel like it's so much effort on my part. I've talked to him about taking charge and being more dominant (in and out of the bedroom) but it's just not it his nature. This, added to our problems outside of the bedroom is very wearing. Like I've mentioned in my original post, I'm in my prime but not getting any younger. For the moment, we're working on our marriage and he knows how I feel about everything I've posted.

[GirlStillStrong]

My husband is an amazing father and husband but I'm not attracted to him, we have no chemistry, and I don't respect him. I'm battling whether I can live with someone like this forever for my kids and the sake of stability because I know he'll always love me.

 

A little history here. We've been together 18 years, married 11 with a 6 and 8 yo children. I've never found him up to par looks wise but he was sweet, tall, asian, would never abuse me or cheat on me, and had an ambitious family. It's interesting that what we thought we wanted as adolescence is very different than want we actually need as adults. Fast forward almost 2 decades later and I hate being the most capable one of the marriage in everything. I am "the boss" of the family, his words. I fix everything, solve all the problems, run the house and even our bedroom activities. I need, to just want, someone more assertive, dominant and ambitious. He's been stuck in the same dead end job and doesn't have any desire look for anything better. He's a mild mannered guy and I'm more of a firecracker so our conversations and interactions are pretty dry. I am also in my prime physically and have the urge to get out there and find someone at my level intellectually and physically. Am I being completely selfish? My friends, family, and even my counselor thinks I'm crazy for wanting to leave this amazing man. But I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with someone I don't have a connection with. Please help!!

EVERY man, every single one on earth, has something major that is going to turn you off. Trust me, I am the opposite of you and have NO PATIENCE for the sort of thing you describe, so I have never settled down with just one guy. And I'm here to tell you, he sounds like a dream. And most guys are going to do exactly what he is doing, that is, follow your lead. I know you want a guy who is more aggressive, and you can get that kind of guy, but be careful what you wish for. Because there are all sorts of things to make you downright MISERABLE that come with that kind of guy.

 

The choice is NOT between one guy and another. The choice is between one lifestyle and another. You CHOSE to marry and have children; what you describe is what EVERYONE who marries and has children describes! Find a way to spice things up. Learn about stages of life and stages of marriage. Evolve together; don't twist and tear your marriage and family apart just because you're bored. Come up with something outrageous you want him to do. Go jump out of an airplane together!

[outthewindow]

As others have said, be careful what you wish for.

 

My STBX husband is a sexy, confident, alpha male that's takes charge... But he isn't loyal or caring or stable. He can be very selfish and childish and as a partner left a lot to be desired.

 

I wish mine had more attributes like yours, and believe me, you'll miss them when they are gone.

[Justanaverageguy]

My husband is relatively attractive and I thought so while we were dating. I didn't have love goggles on. I actually made a conscious decision that looks weren't as important as what's on the inside. When I was younger and sex was fun and exciting, it was easy to be turned on.

 

Now, after a hard days work with children, I can't find myself being turned on by my husband. Don't get me wrong, I am a highly sexual woman and have no problem getting off on my own or directing H to help me. I just feel like it's so much effort on my part. I've talked to him about taking charge and being more dominant (in and out of the bedroom) but it's just not it his nature. This, added to our problems outside of the bedroom is very wearing. Like I've mentioned in my original post, I'm in my prime but not getting any younger. For the moment, we're working on our marriage and he knows how I feel about everything I've posted.

 

I see two things here from your comments.

 

Firstly it honestly sounds too me like you are bored and are trying to blame your partner for that fact. Its not his fault, in fact he likely feels the exact same way about you and your sex life. That's also likely part of the reason why the sex life has fizzled - your both bored with it and both struggle to get turned on. It happens - when you are together for that long. If I could use a crude analogy - Do you have the same thing for lunch every single day ? If not why ? Its obvious .... because having the same thing every day for 18 years is ****ing boring. No matter how much you like that meal at first .... after 18 years of eating the same thing every day it starts to look no where near as attractive as it once did. In fact after 18 years that same dish over and over again it begins to actually repulse you. You actually begin to dislike it. The same applies to partners and sex.Your husband likely feels the exact same way. He loves you yes ... but he is likely bored as **** with your sex life just like you are. Its mutual. Their are healthier ways to try and deal with this and fix it. Hell get into some rollplay ... go to a sex club together - what ever floats your boat.

 

The second item I will raise however is a key difference between men and women aging which often brings these issues to a head in middle age and results in divorce or affairs. That is the changes in hormones in both sexes - specifically the hormone testosterone. This hormone is critical to 2 behaviors in humans 1. Their sex drive and 2. Their assertiveness

 

As men age - from their 20's on wards their levels of Testosterone gradually reduce. In line with this normally their sex drive and also assertive/ dominant / aggressive behaviors also decline. Men in their 40's are not as horny or assertive / dominant as 20 year old men. Fact. But in women it is the exact opposite. Their testosterone levels kick in late 20's and then steadily increase to peak into their 40's. It has the opposite effect. Women's sex drive increases as they become older and they become far more assertive and dominant in their behaviors. They become more concerned about their own needs, more prone to affairs and likely to want sex with other partners. They also tend to be attracted to more dominant men with high sex drives. Similar to how men in their early 20's have a bad rep for wanting to sleep around when their testosterone levels are highest .... middle age women now fit into the same category. Think about the whole cougar thing - kind of makes sense right ?

 

It's up to you what you do .... but my honest opinion based on your comments is 1. You are bored. 2. Your sex drive is telling you that you want to have sex with other men and specifically more Alpha dominant type guys. This is pretty normal for someone your age. But you haven't listed many real issues in your marriage other then your bored with the sex and your husband isn't overly assertive. There are no major relationship issues that would warrant the break up of a marriage. If you are being truly honest ... the main issue here is just you want to have sex with other men.

 

You need to decide - do you want to throw away an 18 marriage ? Do you want to break up your family so you can join the cougar brigade and go get some "while you are in your prime" ?

[stillafool]

I agree that your husband is probably just as bored of you as you are of him. I'm sure if he had sex with a new woman who was hot he would be a different lover than the one you get right now. Long marriages and kids take the heat out of most marriages after a while. If you leave him you might be incredibly surprised at how fast another woman will snatch him up.

[DSP]

Oh lady, lady, lady...

 

If your husband was abusive or something my views would be different. Your complaint is he is a loyal, caring, loving husband and fantastic father. He doesn't treat me like a whore in the bed room and I have to be his mommy most of the time.

 

You are going to have an affair anyways. Might as well destroy your marriage and kids. Just get that done and out of the way. It's just going to hinder you when finding an assertive alpha male guy who doesn't give two ****s about your offspring or their well being.

 

Make sure you kiss your children and hug them very tight tonight after they go to bed. Think about the entire routine of the day with your children. How happy, frustrating, fulfilling and exhausting it is. Then sit down and think about doing that only 50% of the time. Think about not kissing your kids at night before they go to bed. Seeing them smile when walking in the door. Watching them have mental anguish and emotional suffering. Now imagine your eldest child coming to the conclusion that it's all your fault for all of his suffering. Think about how warm and cuddly your relationship will be then.

 

The house you are living in will be gone. Either sold or you will have to let him keep it. Debts split in half. You better pray to god he isn't seeing the writing on the wall and hired a PI. Infidelity is usually not looked upon lightly by the court. Your legal bills will be enormous. If you think he is going to be understanding of your unhappiness you're fooling yourself.

 

Christmas just passed now think about this. You get to see your children on Christmas eve from 6 PM until 6 PM on Christmas Day. Every other year it gets switched. Going to have to celebrate Christmas either Christmas eve before that time or Christmas Day that night. Sound fun? Get used to it.. This is going to be true for every holiday for at least 12 years.

 

School events, graduations, holiday parties, hospital trips, etc... You are going to have to be in the same room as your husband for many many years to come. He isn't going to be your friend and laugh about the good old days either.

 

Don't forget! Alpha male will have off spring too. So you are going to have to play mommy to some unfortunate child who will not like you either.

 

The fantasies you may have about hanging out with all the charismatic men and women who have nothing better to do than be suave and debonair are fabrications. After about six months of the life you so desire reality is going to set in for you. After the divorce is final think about your fling hitting the bricks. Think about being alone for days at a time. No children, no friends, nothing just the tick of a clock and Netflix. That will be your weekend until you are lucky to find another guy who will be a mixture of your ex husband and alpha guy, rinse, lather, and repeat.

 

I'm in my prime.. Ha ha ha ha.. No you're not. You are delusional and lying to yourself. When you were in your early to mid 20s you were in your prime or before you had kids. You are going to be a divorced mother of two young children, slightly damaged and have less than what you have now. You just have confidence now as a woman and feel you are in your prime. You are in a secure place and comfortable. After you divorce you won't feel so confident, because you are going to be in the meat market and see what a real woman in her prime is.

 

I have a women in her prime chasing me now with no kids, higher education, fit as a fitness bunny and is 35. Bat crap crazy and I am in no position to deal with her. That is the woman alpha male will leave you for after he is tired of you, your problems and your offspring.

 

You are going to get very different views on what you should or should not do. I've given you my view and honestly it is skewed and one sided. Go over to the relationships section of this web site and look at the threads of others talking about when finding a partner in their mid 30s. Research female mid life crisis and the impact of it on families. Scary stuff actually.

 

Assertive and aggressive men don't put up with a lot of BS and they are very self centered. You will never see this side of them until you are actually with one for an extended period of time. After the drugs of the new affair have worn off you will then see it. By that time it will be too late to turn back you will either have to accept it or leave him and be alone. Sounds to me like you are having a mid life crisis and honestly have no idea about the path of destruction you are going to leave behind which is going to be unbelievable.

 

As others have said. Be very careful what you wish for. You are seeking a permanent solution to a very temporary problem.

[Tocook]

It's true, I am a little bored, inside the bedroom and out.

 

I am in my prime actually. Yes, at 36. I'm fit, have more meat on me from having the kids, and haven't looked better. Average Guy is right about the high libido at my age but my H does too. It's not about size or frequency, it's about feeling feminine and the quality. We've been working on spicing things up for 2 years now but he's just not assertive. He's happy with what do because I give it to him good. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for crazy kinky stuff, not that I find anything wrong with that. It's just a big turn off to always be initiating and giving direction. After 18 years, he still doesn't know where my g spot is and is hesitant or has no interest in finding it.

 

 

I have looked into mid life crisis in women but don't feel like I'm doing anything drastic other than reevaluating what I want in a life partner. I don't want to always "wear the pants" in the house and feel like I'm more capable and competent than my husband. And not only that but I'm lonely because he is a quiet man. Whether it's about his day, the kids, the cool car we saw, or just something stupid, he doesn't say much. We've been going to MC and he's working on this.

 

It's not that he's done anything wrong for me to leave him but he's gotten complacent and admitted so. What I'm trying to figure out is if I can respect him as a man and find him sexually attractive.

Edited December 26, 2014 by Tocook

[GirlStillStrong]

As others have said, be careful what you wish for.

 

My STBX husband is a sexy, confident, alpha male that's takes charge... But he isn't loyal or caring or stable. He can be very selfish and childish and as a partner left a lot to be desired.

 

I wish mine had more attributes like yours, and believe me, you'll miss them when they are gone.

Thanks for sharing that. I've also found aggressive guys are take charge kind of people but they are also very particular about how things are going to be, are not very considerate and aren't going to follow your lead or do what makes you happy for the simple fact that it makes you happy. If you're used to making the decisions and are with a guy like that, life becomes one big ****ing power struggle. And if he's aggressive with you, you can guarantee he is aggressive with other women too.

 

You want some aggression in your life? Take a kickboxing class, go to karate, jump out an airplane, do something to get your adrenaline up. Don't look to your husband to create that for you; that's not his job.

[GirlStillStrong]

It's true, I am a little bored, inside the bedroom and out.

 

I am in my prime actually. Yes, at 36. I'm fit, have more meat on me from having the kids, and haven't looked better. Average Guy is right about the high libido at my age but my H does too. It's not about size or frequency, it's about feeling feminine and the quality. We've been working on spicing things up for 2 years now but he's just not assertive. He's happy with what do because I give it to him good. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for crazy kinky stuff, not that I find anything wrong with that. It's just a big turn off to always be initiating and giving direction. After 18 years, he still doesn't know where my g spot is and is hesitant or has no interest in finding it.

 

 

I have looked into mid life crisis in women but don't feel like I'm doing anything drastic other than reevaluating what I want in a life partner. I don't want to always "wear the pants" in the house and feel like I'm more capable and competent than my husband. And not only that but I'm lonely because he is a quiet man. Whether it's about his day, the kids, the cool car we saw, or just something stupid, he doesn't say much. We've been going to MC and he's working on this.

 

It's not that he's done anything wrong for me to leave him but he's gotten complacent and admitted so. What I'm trying to figure out is if I can respect him as a man and find him sexually attractive.

Believe me when I tell you I know exactly what you are talking about here. I started having this same issue when I was about 32 or 33. In the almost 15 years since then, I have been in 5 committed relationships with men of varying ages from 25 to 55. Of those 5, three were like your husband. The other two were the aggressive type, but one was a sociopath and the other is married. NONE of the 5 is or was a go-getter when it came to his career.

[DSP]

It's true, I am a little bored, inside the bedroom and out.

 

It's not that he's done anything wrong for me to leave him but he's gotten complacent and admitted so. What I'm trying to figure out is if I can respect him as a man and find him sexually attractive.

 

As I sit here exchanging text messages with my Ex on the hours that I am going to see my children for New Years Day and blatantly avoid her damn phone calls. Trust me... You absolutely do not want to go through what I am right now and I have options to move on with woman twice as good as my Ex.

 

I find your situation interesting actually. I can understand your frustration in a sense. I am surprised that after two years of therapy nothing has changed or has even gotten worse. That is confusing to me actually. Therapy is supposed to help and change a situation for the better.

 

Has anything such as a six month separation every been mentioned? I think this would be the kiss of death for your relationship, but I wonder just the same.

 

Personally I went on missions to find my Ex G spot. Played numerous games and invented things to make our sex life great. I dominated in the bed room, always stayed in relatively good shape and never needed mothered. I can count on one hand how many times she initiated sex. Even after 15 years I couldn't be in the same room with her naked or I'd have to have sex with her. She had gained weight. She had the physical marks from child birth and was moving past her physical prime. I still found her just as attractive the last day as the first day I saw her. I still saw only her beauty.

 

After she left she told me that she didn't like that and wanted more romance. She wanted to be wined and dined and wanted the beginning stages of a relationship again. She moved on quickly and was already having affair before she left. Threw away everything for a fleeting feeling. Sad really.

 

It seems we all want what we don't have.

 

I simply cannot relate to what you are going through and can add no value to the conversation. I am sorry. I also apologize for coming off so crass before.

 

No matter what choice you make in your life think very long and very hard about your two children. I mean very very long in the worse case scenario sense. It is going to be devastating to them if you leave and impact them their entire life.

[Tocook]

Believe me when I tell you I know exactly what you are talking about here. I started having this same issue when I was about 32 or 33. In the almost 15 years since then, I have been in 5 committed relationships with men of varying ages from 25 to 55. Of those 5, three were like your husband. The other two were the aggressive type, but one was a sociopath and the other is married. NONE of the 5 is or was a go-getter when it came to his career.

 

When you had this issue at 32 were you married? And do you not have this issue now or how did you get past it? From your experience, is this possible "stage" of mine something that I will get over where I will find my H sexually attractive again? I know you don't have answers but I'd just like to hear your opinion since you know what I'm talking about.

 

I still found her just as attractive the last day as the first day I saw her. I still saw only her beauty

.

 

It takes an amazing person to do that DSP and please don't apologize for taking the time to respond to my post. I think I was where you were at when I married my husband, seeing his beauty from within and his potential for being a leader in the family and in business. That part, I do believe I had blurred goggles on.

 

I do think I can learn to respect him as a man because he's working very hard to assert his voice in the family (we've only been to MC for 2 months since I told him I wanted to leave). The sexual, mental, and emotional chemistry is something I'm not as optimistic about. And since sex is important to me, along with not feeling lonely in a marriage, I'm not sure if his new attitude is long lasting or just a facade to save the marriage.