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After 27 years My wife is nasty!


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Old 20th August 2010, 1:01 PM   #1
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After 27 years My wife is nasty!

I came across this site after doing some searching and I am hoping to get some help. I read through 50+ pages regarding an individual they called RB and I couldn’t stop reading it! You all were very helpful and I am hoping once again your wisdom will assist me this time. It is a very long story so I will do my best to explain my situation.. It will be fairly long, but I wish to include as much information as I can initially, because after my reading here, it seems very helpful with much information. This is very hard for me to write this, because I just cannot believe it has come to this.

I am currently married for quite some time and am contemplating separation (I think I am partially there at the moment anyway).

I may jump back and forth on subjects or ramble a bit, so please bare with me…

I am married to the same woman for 27 years. We have 2 children 16 and 20. They both still live at home. We have a decent home with some land and live fairly well. Not wealthy, but fine. We both have decent jobs although my wife will be losing hers in December after 31 years. Plant is closing. She does make 2/3 of our income, so it will be a blow to the finances. She does qualify for Government assistance due to the work being sent overseas. Unemployment extensions, free schooling, etc.

For the past 4 years, I have been pretty unhappy with being married to her and just haven’t been myself. She became very controlling in the family and it has been very tough. I have been asked my opinions about something and give them, but it only turns into an argument because it is not the answer she wants. I am the type to just walk away. I have been walking away many of times in the last few years. It’s just an easier thing for me to do, but it really annoys me inside and lately I have been really hurt. I am to a point now that (sad to say) I really, honestly, don’t like my wife. I don’t hate her, but I just don’t like her.

I have never cheated on her, and I don’t believe she has cheated on me. There have been times that I thought she was, but I really don’t see her having the time. One thing a while back (maybe 4 yrs) that she said to me really hurt and bothered me. I never said anything, maybe I should have, but she actually thought it was funny. She said to someone “ Oh, I have my work husband “B” and my home husband. He has since moved on to another job but they still stay in contact. I thought that was a pretty ignorant thing to say. Just my thoughts, but to this day I always remember her saying that.

Ok, on to some information on arrangements that we currently have. She does not sleep in the same bed as me for …maybe 1 Ĺ years. She claims I snore and it bothers her. Although she snores just as bad but denies it. She sleeps in with our daughter. I actually really like it. I can sleep good and I am very comfortable with it. The only time that she will sleep in the same bed, is when our daughter has friends over. I actually cringe knowing this and try to get to sleep before then. Last night was one of those occasions and I really did not get a good nights sleep at all.

I don’t talk too much about it in front of the kids, but they know. She is very bossy and loud with the kids at times, and that really bugs me. A typical day when she is home at a reasonable time (not often) as soon as she walks in the house, I know what’s coming. The voice gets very loud and she starts asking the kids why they didn’t do this, and didn’t do that. I just shake my head and go in the basement. (Which is where I spend most of my time). I have never ever laid a hand on my wife, but a few weeks ago, she gave me a nice shove during the usual disagreement. I was shocked! All I got is that it’s all me, my fault.

Many of the disagreements are over the usual “money”. For the past few years she has not made many good financial decisions. She knew a year ago that she was losing her job and went and bought a beemer. I totally disagreed. Now she has plans to sell it, but went and bought another car first. Now she drives both vehicles. No For Sale on the beemer yet. I asked that we need to reduce the cable/internet/phone bill..it is $212. This was last night, all I got was a big yell that she is going to cut Everything..Everything..You want it…You got it!! Stuff like this happens all of the time. She just loves to spend money and knowing she is losing her job is just bizarre to me that she keeps doing it. Planning a party is just big time. Never just hotdogs and hamburgers..Has to be big!

We have 3 acres of land. I have a garden. I can vegetables and freeze things. I take care of everything in the yard. I do all of the home repairs, Electrical, Plumbing, carpentry etc. But she tells people that “He does Nothing” just Nothing. Because I don’t wash clothes, or the dishes etc. Again, I just don’t pay attention and walk away. But it stinks when your sweating your bloody butt off and no one pays attention. I have been canning all week. She gets home, goes on the computer and plays around or plays poker. Not for real money though. I won’t tolerate that! Never asks to help or anything.

I have been going on quite a bit, so I will touch base on one more thing, then let this go to read. I know suggestions will be made to see a MC…but honestly I don’t think I really want to. I just don’t feel I will ever be happy with her anymore. I know it’s sad, but that’s my feeling. Another thing..I am not a beautiful handsome hunk or anything but I don’t think I’m that bad. Maybe could use a tummy trim…I am 50. But she has gotten very very heavy and does not exercise or take care of herself at all. Just comes home drinks beer and plays on the computer. She does do things in spurts (I’m rambling here) and she thinks it’s the biggest thing ever. Paint a room and we will hear about it for weeks! But always, always, refuses to clean up after herself. Paint brushes in the basement sink for months!

Ok…I think I’ve said enough for now. I hope it wasn’t to boring or painful! It’s my first shout for help, so please ask away. I’m sure I missed 50 more things.

Last edited by dlayt; 20th August 2010 at 1:10 PM..
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Old 20th August 2010, 1:32 PM   #2
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Please forgive me if I sound too blunt but I am heading off to work and my phrasing is something that I usually try to put more time into so as not to insult anyone that I don't wish to.

This whole thing reeks of passivity.
As much as your wife may be ignorant of your feelings you have given her no reason to think there may be a problem, you have trained her to run your life and the life of your family. YOU have done this.

A lot of these things could be or could have been easily worked out if they were properly addressed in context with what it was doing to your relationship.

Four years is a long time in a relationship to be "unhappy."

27 years is an incredible amount of time to invest into a relationship and a ridiculous thing to lose over the complaints you have made considering you have not properly addressed them. I am specifically concerned for you children. Although you may say they are old enough to deal with it, a seperation would have a very negative effect on both of them regardless of them knowing how you are feeling.

Truly before seperating you owe it to yourself to make sure that you have done all that you can to restore trust and remove the ambivalence from you relationship. What you wife is has or done cannot be addressed here because she isn't the one on the forum. What you can do can be addressed.

In my personal opinion relationships go through very dry seasons sometimes and who we are during those times shows our character. Simply saying "this is how I feel about it" and putting a period on the end of that sentence is simply not good enough and does not reflect the value of the vows you made when you got married.

It was "as long as we both shall live..." or "until death do us part..." NOT "until I get sick of you and we fight over money..." or "until I just don't feel like it anymore and you put on weight..." or even "until I don't like you anymore."

Your decision is not so much a reflection of your wife or your marriage, but of YOUR CHARACTER. That's why people will suggest MC to work out the differences and restore intimacy. Maybe even to inspire someone to WANT to work out their marital issues and have intimacy. If MC fails and you have tried as many options as you can think of then divorce or seperation would serve as a last resort.

You aren't going to have a successful relationship anywhere with anyone if you aren't willing to invest properly into a relationship or make your needs known. It is amazing that this pattern has gone on so long.
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Old 20th August 2010, 2:19 PM   #3
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Well, if she made decent money and they were still having sex, that might be a reason for the OP to have maintained the status quo for so long.

With her job loss, things are only going to get a whole lot worse since the OP suggests that she is not reducing her spending enough.

If she's also not putting effort to stay relatively attractive, that tells me that their sex life is not very good anymore.

The kids are old enough to understand about divorce. It won't have as large of an impact on them now that they're close to being adults.

I've seen that a lot of people are holding off on divorce due to the economy. Many people can't justify the costs to go through with it - I would guess that this is a factor here as well, considering the beamer debt and job loss.

OP, it doesn't sound like you'd enjoy the rest of your life with this person. When the kids are gone (this will take longer due to the recession) and you're both empty nesters, you'll be more likely to divorce at that point, so the question may simply be a matter of when to do it.

Last edited by Kic; 20th August 2010 at 2:25 PM..
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Old 20th August 2010, 2:44 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by dlayt View Post
OkÖI think Iíve said enough for now. I hope it wasnít to boring or painful! Itís my first shout for help, so please ask away. Iím sure I missed 50 more things.
I have one question for u, do u know how to find a good lawyer, maybe one of your buddies can help, look for a pal whose divorce was swift, successful and beneficial to him and ask him for a reference, dude, you stuck this one way too long, man.
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Old 20th August 2010, 2:57 PM   #5
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I think as has been said above, you are being too passive.

Definitely do not let her start physically pushing you around.

Your comment about the basement, why are you hiding? Stand up to this woman, you do not want to be around her, or sleep with her. Why do you think you are still there? Because you think its easier to put up and shut up, I presume. Come on my friend, that is not true, grab yourself by the scruff of the neck and give yourself a good shaking from me.

Tell her how you feel, initially don't make it a 'communication' scenario, tell her right between the eyes what you think and how you feel. Make her listen. Use your voice, you have one, we all do. Get it out of the box you have hidden it in and strap it on.
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Old 20th August 2010, 3:27 PM   #6
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Passive aggressive disorder may stem from a specific childhood stimulus[5] (e.g., alcohol/drug addicted parents) in an environment where it was not safe to express frustration or anger. Families in which the honest expression of feelings is forbidden tend to teach children to repress and deny their feelings and to use other channels to express their frustration.
Children who sugarcoat their hostility do not grow beyond it. Never developing better coping strategies or skills for self-expression, they can become adults who, beneath the seductive veneer, harbor vindictive intent.


I am married to the same woman for 27 years.

For the past 4 years, I have been pretty unhappy with being married to her and just haven’t been myself.

I am not a beautiful handsome hunk or anything but I don’t think I’m that bad. Maybe could use a tummy trim…I am 50.

Along with your passivity, you are going through a mid-life crisis. The problem isn't with your W, it's within you.

Your W wants you to step up to the plate.
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Old 20th August 2010, 3:46 PM   #7
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I think you both need each other and you should WORK IT OUT.

Go get some professional counseling.
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Old 20th August 2010, 4:24 PM   #8
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Thanks everyone for the comments. I am starting the thinking process with regards to what everyone has said. I don't get much time during the day to post, so I will check back when I can.

Passive..Yes I believe that is somewhat true.

My kids, yes, are very important to me. No kid wants their parents to break up, but I believe they would want them to be happy.

MC - may be some help. We really haven't spoken normally in quite some time. I am not sure if she would agree to go. She does believe it is all me, I know that.

I respect everyone's comments here and I am very glad to find these boards.

Thanks!
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Old 20th August 2010, 5:32 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by dlayt View Post
Thanks everyone for the comments. I am starting the thinking process with regards to what everyone has said. I don't get much time during the day to post, so I will check back when I can.

Passive..Yes I believe that is somewhat true.

My kids, yes, are very important to me. No kid wants their parents to break up, but I believe they would want them to be happy.

MC - may be some help. We really haven't spoken normally in quite some time. I am not sure if she would agree to go. She does believe it is all me, I know that.

I respect everyone's comments here and I am very glad to find these boards.

Thanks!
Recognize your shortcomings. There isn't a human being on this earth that doesn't need improvement in certain areas.

You need to really work on this. Don't throw away 27 years for the GIGS.

Your W will be more complying when there is communication!!!!!!!

Also, if there is anyone of interest in your life right now, don't even go there.
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Old 20th August 2010, 5:52 PM   #10
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start speaking up! speak YOUR truth!!!

when nothing changes = nothing changes. you must be open to changing everything IF you want to see what happy for you MAY look like.

are you willing to change?
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Old 20th August 2010, 5:54 PM   #11
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You're on the fence. Considering divorce but far from sold on the idea. But since divorce is at least on the table, I challenge you to start taking some "risks" in your marriage. What the hell do you have to lose? What's the worst that can happen? Divorce?

Here's the risk I want you to take: start working very hard on two things: leadership and communication.

Take your relationship role seriously and really think about what you want for your relationship and then set the tone and take the lead. Quit sleep walking your way through the marriage. Quit forcing your wife to set the tone and quit whining like a victim when you donít get what you want but probably never asked for.

Step up and make the rules Ė make it clear what you expect. Lovingly and powerfully make it clear that you expect both yourself and your wife to be honest, available, well-behaved, mature, passionate, responsible, communicative, and affectionate. It sounds like you avoid conflict with your wife, and if so it all stems from fear of your wife's reaction. Screw fear. You can't control how she reacts. Either she'll work with you or she won't, and you can't be too attached to the outcome. Be cool with either result. Either way your path is clear.

Ask yourself whether you'll keep whining, complaining, withdrawing, and acting passive-aggressively when your marriage doesn't turn out like you want, or are you going to take some responsibility and do something proactive about it?

Sit down and think about what your vision for your marriage looks like. Then share this vision with your wife and invite her to follow you in moving in that direction.

But it isnít going to happen unless you develop some integrity, speak up, and provide some loving leadership. Donít expect your partner to do your job or figure out what you want. Itís not her job, itís yours. And I bet she wants you to do it.
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Old 20th August 2010, 5:56 PM   #12
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Oh, by the way, come December I'll be married for 27 years, too. I've been where you are. Most importantly, I'm not now.
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Old 20th August 2010, 6:44 PM   #13
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Your marriage has a real problem..ie:..After 27 years you two don't like each other or love each other..

I think the two of you should get away, on a long weekend trip, and talk things out..

If I was married for 27 years and it sucked I would either make some major changes or get a divorce..

My friend life is too short.

It is your choice....Good luck...........
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Old 20th August 2010, 6:57 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by GorillaTheater View Post
You're on the fence. Considering divorce but far from sold on the idea. But since divorce is at least on the table, I challenge you to start taking some "risks" in your marriage. What the hell do you have to lose? What's the worst that can happen? Divorce?

Here's the risk I want you to take: start working very hard on two things: leadership and communication.

Take your relationship role seriously and really think about what you want for your relationship and then set the tone and take the lead. Quit sleep walking your way through the marriage. Quit forcing your wife to set the tone and quit whining like a victim when you donít get what you want but probably never asked for.

Step up and make the rules Ė make it clear what you expect. Lovingly and powerfully make it clear that you expect both yourself and your wife to be honest, available, well-behaved, mature, passionate, responsible, communicative, and affectionate. It sounds like you avoid conflict with your wife, and if so it all stems from fear of your wife's reaction. Screw fear. You can't control how she reacts. Either she'll work with you or she won't, and you can't be too attached to the outcome. Be cool with either result. Either way your path is clear.

Ask yourself whether you'll keep whining, complaining, withdrawing, and acting passive-aggressively when your marriage doesn't turn out like you want, or are you going to take some responsibility and do something proactive about it?

Sit down and think about what your vision for your marriage looks like. Then share this vision with your wife and invite her to follow you in moving in that direction.

But it isnít going to happen unless you develop some integrity, speak up, and provide some loving leadership. Donít expect your partner to do your job or figure out what you want. Itís not her job, itís yours. And I bet she wants you to do it.
Powerful stuff GT and bang on the money!

OP, re-read this again and again until it sinks in.
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Old 20th August 2010, 8:38 PM   #15
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Powerful stuff GT and bang on the money!

OP, re-read this again and again until it sinks in.

Too Passive, YES! Chances of her screwing a coworker, YES, very HIGH chance! That's what I get from the way she made that comment! When she made that comment, was she very attractive then? Dressing sexy? If it's yes to either of those 2 questions, yup, she cheated most likely!
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