Struggling To Get Through The Distance

[guitar]

I had been dating a wonderful woman for the past 14 months. We were in a long-distance relationship, and had been seeing each other on average every three weeks, with constant communication in between. We’ve run into some trouble, and she broke it off with me, around a month ago (after giving me the wake up call a few times previously, I’m ashamed to admit). Her main issue in the relationship was that I was not taking bold steps to move closer to her – in her words, “refusing to go away is not the same thing as going after something!” I understand that she felt invalidated and unloved and taken for granted. It wasn’t that I didn’t love her enough to go through with it: she lives in another country and I was in a process around dealing with frustrating immigration issues combined with my fear of leaving my life behind entirely and having limited financial means, requiring patience on her part. I’ve given it time without contact, but we’ve had some process and talk around our issues recently. She is refusing to take me back (“I can say definitively that I am not going to be with you. That’s something I know.”), and gets angry and hostile when I try to get into a process with her about discussing our issues, yet she clearly has much to say about the subject, and much feeling around it. She and I both are in a lot of pain, and I think that she could come back to me, given some assurances and work. We are *definitely* a good match, and I think that she still loves me, but feels that the relationship cannot work. As she says, “I am angry and sad and I don’t want to work through it or analyze it right now – I don’t see the point and I don’t believe it’s possible.”

 

I want to work it out, and I have read much of the wonderful advice here, but I feel hopeless and directionless to handle this situation. I believe that we will have future discussions about it, unless she decides to shut me down entirely. We had a heated text conversation about it today, because she would not speak with me on the phone (because “it hurts”). She did not feel loved, although I do and did love her. How can I convince her to give me the opportunity to prove that to her?

 

I'm open to answering clarifying questions if anyone feels like more information would be helpful. (This is a different girl than I posted about in previous threads on here.)

Edited March 22, 2015 by guitar
Clarification of old threads

[guitar]

Nobody? I could really use some advice here.

[Snaggletooth]

14 months, with only seeing each other every three weeks, is a short amount of time to sensibly commit to quitting your current life and relocating to another country. If she can't understand that you may well be better off walking away from this.

 

You must both be comfortable with every step you make. Nobody should feel forced, coerced or obligated. You are the one taking the leap of faith. You are the one changing your entire life. Do you want to be with a woman who will give you this kind of earache for not immediately dancing to her tune? Do you want to be with a woman who has no consideration for your fear of leaving your old life and without future financial security?

 

I would tell her to put a sock in it and if she wants to be with you she is going to have to calm down and be a little more patient. Then remind her you love her but no matter how you feel about her, you won't stand for her bullcrap. Then I would walk away until she can be reasonable.

 

In other words, show some self respect.

 

I'm currently in an LDR. We nurture and reassure each other through every step, worry, concern, fear, doubt. We ensure the other is 100% comfortable with every step. Mutual agreement, understanding, respect and consideration all the way. If I cross a line she damned well tells me. If she crosses I line I damned well tell her.

 

Time for you to tell her she has crossed a line.

Edited March 22, 2015 by Snaggletooth

[guitar]

I would tell her to put a sock in it and if she wants to be with you she is going to have to calm down and be a little more patient. Then remind her you love her but no matter how you feel about her, you won't stand for her bullcrap.

 

I go back and forth about this, honestly. I really *do* want to be there with her. It's not an insane distance away, only about 5-6 hours from where I live, but ... it IS a different country. And that means dealing with immigration, which is designed to narrow the channels for moving there. She was prepared to offer some financial support, but, yes, she was very eager (and at times, pushy) to have me there, from the get-go. But I also don't think that her patience was the main issue in regards to moving, it was my passivity and reluctance and fear of going through with it. I may have been subconsciously testing her patience.

 

And there was the: "if you're not killing yourself trying to move here then you don't love me enough to be with me" guilt trip stuff. That's not a literal quote, but that's how she often *comes across*. Please keep in mind, I'm not going into her many wonderful qualities here - I think she's a keeper. This is a tough situation and I'm trying to be mindful that I have legitimately made mistakes here too. People "at wits end" aren't always pretty.

[guitar]

Well, good/not good news to report: my ex contacted me asking for my mailing address. My birthday is next week, so I think she may be sending me a card or something (probably not some grand gesture whatsoever). We've been in and out of contact, although we both said we wouldn't be. It's starting to feel like we're dragging it out, and that neither of us is truly capable of letting go entirely. It's been rough, for both of us, although we both admitted that it was slowly getting better being apart. Last week she sent a long "goodbye, talk to you some day in the future, I promise" email with some apologies for her part in the breakup (and also said that we wouldn't ever be getting back together), and I sent back a similar "closure" type email. And then this whole address thing came up, and we had some brief and friendly texting, quickly ended by her. Ugh. We've had *mostly* no contact, though.

[Ruby65]

“I can say definitively that I am not going to be with you. That’s something I know.”

 

Okay, so..... I'm having a hard time understanding how you're able to find things to cling to after being told something this definitive?

 

Also, it sounds like you failed to commit or pursue her enough.... which is an attraction killer for many women. To be honest, it sounds like you blew it.

[guitar]

“I can say definitively that I am not going to be with you. That’s something I know.”

 

Okay, so..... I'm having a hard time understanding how you're able to find things to cling to after being told something this definitive?

 

Also, it sounds like you failed to commit or pursue her enough.... which is an attraction killer for many women. To be honest, it sounds like you blew it.

 

Yeah, I know that. I'd like a chance to make it right, though. I probably won't get it.

[Ruby65]

Yeah, I know that. I'd like a chance to make it right, though. I probably won't get it.

 

Well, if you continue to make yourself available to her, you can be sure of one thing: she'll never have to miss having you there as a Plan B.

[guitar]

Well, if you continue to make yourself available to her, you can be sure of one thing: she'll never have to miss having you there as a Plan B.

 

So what's your advice, Ruby? Full no contact? Forever?

[Ruby65]

Yes. Full No contact. Forever.

 

Or -- until the day she contacts you and says she made a huge mistake and wants to get back together.

 

For you, staying in contact is a lose/lose -- it keeps her from missing you, and it keeps YOU from healing and moving on.

 

For her, it simply gives her the comfort of knowing you're still right there as a Plan B option in case it doesn't work out with anyone else.

[spiderowl]

Do you not think she may be expecting an awful lot of you? I mean, giving up your job, home, country, cultural customs where you are now - that's a lot to give up even for love. She may have a point if you haven't made any moves, but it's a huge ask. Do you really love her enough to give up everything for her? I know love is supposed to conquer all but sometimes it doesn't. Perhaps you are both expecting too much of this relationship and need to reconsider it. I don't think it's fair of her to be so punishing and angry with you. I can understand her being upset if you gave her the impression you were going to do these things, but it sounds like you hadn't realised how deeply reluctant you are deep down. Listen to your gut instinct on this as it's a huge decision.

 

As to whether she will re-engage with you again, perhaps if you tell her it's a huge step and that you are the one who would be taking it not her, she may just realise what she is asking. She sounds a bit childish to me. Do you believe her to be an honest person with good intentions? I hope you are not involved with a scammer. It would explain the outrage if you refuse to go along with it. I'm sure you've considered this and reassured yourself, but please be careful.

[guitar]

Do you not think she may be expecting an awful lot of you? ...

 

As to whether she will re-engage with you again, perhaps if you tell her it's a huge step and that you are the one who would be taking it not her, she may just realise what she is asking. She sounds a bit childish to me. Do you believe her to be an honest person with good intentions? I hope you are not involved with a scammer. It would explain the outrage if you refuse to go along with it. I'm sure you've considered this and reassured yourself, but please be careful.

 

Haha, oh, she is not a scammer, definitely not. Just a long-distance relationship. We were very much in love, neither of us would deny that. But yes, I think she spent a lot of energy missing me and, for some reason, having to reassure herself that I loved her, after my being resistant to moving there so quickly. I mean, I did absolutely want to be with her, there, having a life together, and I told her that often. I was at a point in my life where I was ready for a change, and this was also a great opportunity to have a really great relationship too, I thought. She was NOT understanding about my vacillation (although she pretended to be for a while), and she felt insecure and also embarrassed by her own clinging. I couldn't move there as fast as she wanted, and she couldn't be patient and feel desperate and disappointed in that any longer and got resentful. That's my take, she might not agree - she'd say that I should have been crazy enough in love to do whatever it takes. Is that a high expectation?

[guitar]

Yes. Full No contact. Forever.

 

Or -- until the day she contacts you and says she made a huge mistake and wants to get back together.

 

For you, staying in contact is a lose/lose -- it keeps her from missing you, and it keeps YOU from healing and moving on.

 

For her, it simply gives her the comfort of knowing you're still right there as a Plan B option in case it doesn't work out with anyone else.

 

I doubt that she considers me a Plan B, but I hear what you're saying.

 

We are doing No Contact (with very occasional Low Contact - I know, that's not really "doing No Contact"!), and she instantly blocked me everywhere on the internet (I think she did it while she was on the phone breaking up with me), so I don't even have to do that.

 

I find that I've gotten to a point where I'm capable of having fun and being in a playful mood when I can distract myself, but I still get that pain in the gut when something reminds me of her. I'm getting more "okay" with the fact that she's not in my life anymore. If she came back it would be very difficult to trust her, and I'd have to hear about not only the old problems, but the new problems of trying to reconcile and make up for all of the painful time in-between. It would be really hard, and I would absolutely give it a go with her again, but I've had enough of heartbreak with her for a while. The breakup was prolonged and dramatic. Sometimes I can even just say "She quit. That's it." Sometimes.

[guitar]

And I mean, come on, the ex coming crawling back after some No Contact because they miss you so much is pretty much a myth, right? I guess I did have an ex come back after about a year, long ago, but still ... I've always found it far-fetched and rare, especially in a long-distance relationship. "Hey, maybe they'll miss you!" seems like the bait No Contact throws out so that you'll go ahead and get out of your own way and heal up at least a *little* bit.

 

She promised that she'd reach out to me a ways down the road, "probably a while," she said. I don't take that as a good sign. And whatever she mailed me hasn't gotten here yet. I guess that's technically her last gesture for now, although I'll likely thank her for whatever she sent.

[Ruby65]

There's no "bait" involved in going No Contact.

 

No Contact is purely the fastest way to heal from a breakup.

 

There are people online who sell "how to get your ex back" programs who push temporary "no contact" as a way of manipulating your ex, but these never work.

 

The goal of No Contact is to heal and move on, that's it.

 

As to whether or not the returning ex is a myth.... I agree it's rare. I went back to someone I dumped after almost a year of No Contact, and we were long distance at the time, so just speaking from personal experience I know it does happen every now and then.

 

In general, whenever a dumper DOESN'T cut contact it's because they want to keep you around as a safety net while they adjust to being single, or while they check out someone else.

 

It's NEVER in your best interest -- it's not to make it easier on you, but on them.

 

It's not because they miss you so much they can't stand to not have you in their life. It's because they're not sure about having a replacement yet.

 

Sadly, once they do have that replacement, they usually disappear forever (unless things start to go badly with their Plan A).

 

Best to look out for yourselves and stick to No Contact so YOU can heal and stop the back-and-forth drama of Contact!

[guitar]

As to whether or not the returning ex is a myth.... I agree it's rare. I went back to someone I dumped after almost a year of No Contact, and we were long distance at the time, so just speaking from personal experience I know it does happen every now and then.

 

In general, whenever a dumper DOESN'T cut contact it's because they want to keep you around as a safety net while they adjust to being single, or while they check out someone else.

 

Why did you go back?

 

And I think that's a pretty broad statement as to the mind of the dumper. I think she's keeping some very limited contact because she's A. feeling guilty (which she has actually said she feels, probably hence the incoming birthday card), or B. having some doubts as to whether or not she can or really wants to get over me. She's very sensitive, and she has been very emotional for the past couple of rough months, and "talking to me breaks (her) heart". It *feels* like a time and space breakup, and I think time and space might bring some calm and ability to forgive and heal. We had a couple of near-breakups/quick reconciliations in the past few months, but it's just been too hard.

 

Then again, she said: "I'm not going to attempt to be your friend right now either - it's just too soon. I am open to staying in touch down the road, but not now. All I want right now is for you to let go of me and to do better with someone else next time. I'm not going to string you along and say that we'll stay close friends and one day the timing will be better or something. I don't believe it will." AND: "One day when things have healed a bit I will make an effort to contact you, I promise. Love you."

 

I mean, either way, I guess it's NC time. It's inevitable.

[Ruby65]

I think one of the biggest *tells* as to the true feelings of a dumper is whether or not they respect No Contact.

 

I went back to my ex because I was still in love with him at the time of the breakup. And BECAUSE I was in love with him.... I respected him enough NOT to try and maintain contact.

 

You maintain contact because you selfishly put yourself and your own needs before those of the person you've broken up with. You're guilty, you're lonely, you're feeling unloved.... you want company while you look for your next boyfriend.

 

But because I really still loved my ex, I'd never dream of treating (using) him that way. So I didn't. I broke up, moved away, lived my own life and respected him enough to let him recover and move on.

 

I went back because, after living on my own and dating others, I realized our connection was special and not so easy to replace as I had thought. I realized I was ready to commit for good, if he was willing to take me back.

 

So, I broke silence by asking to get back together. He agreed, and we were 100% back into our relationship in the course of a single phone call. I moved back to where he was living (3,000 miles away) as I had moved after the breakup. We were married the following year.

 

As a dumpee, you want to think "she's staying in contact because she loves me too much to just walk away."

 

The truth is, if she REALLY loved you, she'd put your need to heal before her selfish desire to keep you around while she transitions to singlehood.

[guitar]

The truth is, if she REALLY loved you, she'd put your need to heal before her selfish desire to keep you around while she transitions to singlehood.

 

Contact has generally been initiated by me, or logistical things. I tried to dig in my heels in to stop this from happening, she said it was too little too late, though digging in my heels "was kind of what she always wanted."

 

I'm willing to do NC after I reply to whatever she's mailing me, even if it only manages to make things less messy.

 

She really loved/loves me, I have 0% doubt about that, and I can honestly say that that isn't even wishful thinking.

[Ruby65]

If she was in love with you, she wouldn't be breaking up with you.

 

She might say she "loves" you but it's in a platonic way now, as a friend, but usually the romantic love is long gone by the time the breakup happens.

 

The reason it's important for you to try and take this fact in.... is so that you don't waste anymore time hoping or waiting for her to come back to you.

 

Right now you're clinging to hope and it's only delaying your healing. So no, you shouldn't be emailing back and forth or having anymore contact with her.

 

You're grasping at straws and it's only prolonging your pain right now.

[guitar]

If she was in love with you, she wouldn't be breaking up with you.

 

You're grasping at straws and it's only prolonging your pain right now.

 

Oh, I don't think she's "in love" with me anymore. I think her love is buried under a lot of resentment and hurt feelings and anger. I certainly made mistakes, and she gave me the benefit of the doubt for a while. She made mistakes too, and I did the same. She fell out of love because she felt like I wasn't loving her hard enough, because I was waiting to move there, because it didn't feel secure enough to me yet. And she couldn't wait, and has other things in her life that she wants to focus on rather than repair things with me. It's been really tumultuous and difficult, and she was very "into" me, right up until the last month or so. She has dated A LOT in her life, but was only ever in love three times, once with me.

 

But yes, I'm grasping at straws. And I'm fighting the urge to contact her, but less often as time goes on. I think I'll hear from her some day, but not soon. So I'm trying to see other women, and I'm trying to move on, but it's challenging. And right now I'm waiting to see what she sent me, and planning to be disappointed.

 

Why did you and your husband break up, Ruby?

[Ruby65]

Actually it's no one's business about our divorce -- but I will tell you this: after 18 years of marriage, it had absolutely NOTHING to do with our first breakup.

 

I think you're very invested in keeping this soppy melodramatic dumper on her pedestal.... and that's sadly where she'll remain, until she does something so grossly insensitive -- like publicy date another guy -- to turn you against her.

 

So be it: everyone heals at their own pace.

 

I will urge you to read and re-read the No Contact guide posted on this site to help you maintain No Contact, and also this guide will help as well: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Good luck to you!

[guitar]

Actually it's no one's business about our divorce -- but I will tell you this: after 18 years of marriage, it had absolutely NOTHING to do with our first breakup.

 

I think you're very invested in keeping this soppy melodramatic dumper on her pedestal.... and that's sadly where she'll remain, until she does something so grossly insensitive -- like publicy date another guy -- to turn you against her.

 

Oh, I was curious why you two split up *in the first place*, but absolutely.

 

"Soppy melodramatic"? What do you mean?

 

I've been reading lots about No Contact, but thank you for your suggestions.

[Ruby65]

The No Contact guide here, on this site, is excellent! I highly recommend -- you won't find better advice anywhere else.

 

As is the guide I posted -- an awesome guide posted from another, similar site as this.

 

You seem to be invested in NOT accepting advice here... and challenging the opinions offered... so why are you posting? Just curious....

 

I call your dumper soppy and melodramatic because she's acting like a drama queen -- and you're too smitten to see it now. It's pretty obvious, seen from the outside.

 

Hopefully, in time, you'll have a less idealized image of her.

[guitar]

You seem to be invested in NOT accepting advice here... and challenging the opinions offered... so why are you posting? Just curious....

 

I call your dumper soppy and melodramatic because she's acting like a drama queen -- and you're too smitten to see it now. It's pretty obvious, seen from the outside.

 

Hopefully, in time, you'll have a less idealized image of her.

 

I'm posting because I'm in the early stages of accepting this and moving on, and my heart is fighting my head big time on this one. The big thing messing with my mind is the "you didn't love me hard enough" thing. "I loved you SO MUCH, why didn't you feel it?!" makes it hard to not try to love her harder, or to "fix" the unfixable. But one shouldn't ever be in a position of having to definitively *prove* one's feelings, right? I honestly feel like my love for her was painfully obvious, and all of my actions were based on it, and people in my life who saw us together keep telling me that (even though they had very little information to go on) they *knew* how much I loved her.

 

Oh, she IS acting like a drama queen, for sure, and very immature. I'm sure I can do better, but yeah, it's hard to see right now. I really miss her.

[Ruby65]

Go No Contact, stick to No Contact.

 

Read the guides.

 

Your drama queen ex is using you to feel better about herself, that's all. She's looking for ways to justify her decision.... to look like less of "the bad guy" for dumping you and breaking your heart. Also, she wants the comfort and ego strokes of knowing you're still there for her.... for as long as she wants you there.

 

WHEN she finds her next boyfriend, all contact will stop.

 

For some people, it isn't until this final step happens that they can begin to detach and see their ex clearly.... don't be one of those guys.