EmptyPromises Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 I want to know if someone can actually change. You have a ****ty relationship right now because they arent holding up their part of the bargain, or arent treating you right. Say you go a few months no contact, and the person realizes what a great person you were and does want to change, can they? Maybe this is just my heartbroken, hopeful self talking, but in all these posts its always " people never change" " hell never change" etc. well what happens if he does? what if he/she grows up in the months you are apart? and how do you know? opinions, advice, stories of a changed person, second chanced relationship gone wrong/ well are all welcome.. im just ranting and wondering... Link to post Share on other sites
bella16 Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 From my past experiences, they change for 2 weeks after they get you back. Once they have you where they want you...they go right back to being the same old way again. I've seen this happen with a lot of people. My friends boyfriends, my ex boyfriends... its like the same routine over and over again. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetyBear Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 People can absolutely change in my opinion. It does not come easily and a person has to put in a lot of effort, but it can be done. Modifying your behavior is the beginning of true internal change, I believe. You can definitely control what you do. You can know something is wrong and stop doing it, but unless you change how you think about it, the old behavior has a tendancy of coming back. It takes an awful lot of self-awareness, effort and trial and error before real change takes place. Link to post Share on other sites
skreen23 Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Yeah, people do change and should change, its part of growing up and maturing. Thing is it takes time so beware of a miracle, overnight change of character. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 I'm wondering about this. My gf and I were on the brink recently and she seems to have really taken to heart what I need from her. I'm afraid to be optimistic, but it feels better right now than it has in a long time... Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 I've "changed" after almost every break up in some form or fashion. However, it was never for my ex, it was for me so. I guess "grew" would be a better term. As far as changing for another... I tried to do that before the breakup if it was something that would benefit us both, as a whole. Link to post Share on other sites
Valedico Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 i always thought people would never change, but i have to disagree with that now after my ex left me because of my selfdestructive behaviour i did absolutely everything in my power to change myself for the better, and i have changed completely, there's now way in hell that i would ever go back to my old ways, i would never want to hurt like this ever again in my life. Unfortunately for me she doesent believe that people can change, so she never gave me another chance. It hurts knowing who i was and how i behaved, and that the new me would never have a chance with her again. Link to post Share on other sites
Beeotch Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 I want to know if someone can actually change. You have a ****ty relationship right now because they arent holding up their part of the bargain, or arent treating you right. Say you go a few months no contact, and the person realizes what a great person you were and does want to change, can they? Maybe this is just my heartbroken, hopeful self talking, but in all these posts its always " people never change" " hell never change" etc. well what happens if he does? what if he/she grows up in the months you are apart? and how do you know? opinions, advice, stories of a changed person, second chanced relationship gone wrong/ well are all welcome.. im just ranting and wondering... People can change...but it is only effective when they change for themselves first. If something is wrong with them, they won't change because they realize you're great....they have to change for their own purposes bc they find how they are to be problematic. Depending on the issue and person and life circumstances... it may be way more than months.... The best thing is to not wait for this change that may/may not come. The way I see it is that: if it is to be...it will be! My ex and I, I think are good with each other but broke up because of personal issues of attachment/intimacy that he has...I do believe that it is possible for him to to overcome these issues and for us to have a good relationship. I can't predict if he will come around or acknowledge and do something about his issues...he KNOWS I am great (not to be conceited but even after the breakup he has expressed it)....so the only thing stopping this change is HIMSELF. He can't do it for me...so I am going to move on with my life b/c he can't make me happy the way he is now. If he comes around and expresses that he has dealt with this issue...then we go from there but for now that is his PERSONAL battle that he has to overcome before he can take care of me. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 i always thought people would never change, but i have to disagree with that now after my ex left me because of my selfdestructive behaviour i did absolutely everything in my power to change myself for the better, and i have changed completely, there's now way in hell that i would ever go back to my old ways, i would never want to hurt like this ever again in my life. Unfortunately for me she doesent believe that people can change, so she never gave me another chance. It hurts knowing who i was and how i behaved, and that the new me would never have a chance with her again. Similar for me, since my ex left 3 months ago (we were together 18 years), I've changed in massive ways, he wouldn't give us a chance to work things out though and now I am 200 miles away and NC, so he will probably never get to know! It's sad really, of course people change after a huge upheaval in their life, something like that changes you., it's a loss. If you experience the death of a loved one, are you ever the same again? It's a similar situation in a way. People can and do learn from their failed relationships, they don't want to repeat the same mistakes in the next one. So, it's not necessarily to get back with the ex, but if you want them back go for it! Link to post Share on other sites
redmelon Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 In my experience, it's extremely rare for anyone to change for any reason. It's hard to change even the worst of behaviors, even if it means happiness and serenity in what has been a chaotic life of drama. Most people just can't seem to do it, or don't want to put in the work bad enough. It's easier to coast along and do nothing. It's scary to step out of the habits you've created for yourself, and often those habits mask or help one cope with other problems or issues. I'd say, don't hold out hope, and certainly don't expect change to come because of you. The changes that need to be made are likely nothing to do with you, and won't be eradicated easily. A person needs to see themselves clearly and make steps toward change of their own accord and through their own realization. Most real change is something that takes commitment and perseverance over long periods of time. Are you willing to hang around and wait? Everyone is different. There are certainly people who have made the commitment to changing themselves and have been successful - though some of the most intelligent, worldly and experienced people I know have tried and failed. I hope this helps, I wish I had more definitive answers for you, but unfortunately, I haven't seen it happen often in my life. Sad but true... Link to post Share on other sites
motive2002 Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 what if he/she grows up in the months you are apart? and how do you know? Heh, I've been in therapy for over a year now, and I still have a ways to go. Got my self-help books and some friends that are masochistic enough to hear me talk about my relationship problems over and over... Months. Heh.. by the time the person that needs to change makes any sort of progress you'll probably have both moved on. Link to post Share on other sites
Valedico Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Hey motive Mind me asking what you were in therapy for? Link to post Share on other sites
Lisalisa2 Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 Yes people can change. If it's a change of attitude to a specific problem, it can be done quickly. If it's significant change, it can happen, but takes a great deal of looking inside oneself and self awareness, behaviour awareness. It can be done. It takes time. Link to post Share on other sites
hopefulInFuture Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 I think this is a paradox of life. Yes, people can change. But there are several aspects to this change: whether it can happen soon enough, at what cost and whether once you get a changed person you can love the new person. I was with one of my exes for several years. He was a great guy: intelligent, fun, kind, challenging (initially). But then he started spending his days in front of television. I know he still loved me but he was taking me for granted. I spent several years trying to make him understand that I needed the old him. I wanted to have more fun together, get back that romantic feeling, I wanted more energy and passion from him into this relationship. We broke up several times. Every time I got back together with him we were happy and excellent for several weeks and then back again. Yes, maybe, slightly better but eventually it would wear me down. After several weeks I felt that I was the only one putting effort into it. When you are with someone for many years a relationship is a big effort but when it's an effort only on one side you will eventually get tired of it. I tried to talk to him to understand together whether he was depressed, why he did not miss his social life, why our sex life was almost inexistent. To no avail. After several years and many break ups I just gave up... The thing is down the line I think that he did change... But his changes were not fast enough and big enough. The things he changed about himself were not sufficient for me anymore... Plus the change is a strange process: he would improve on one side and let it slide on another. Plus I had so much despair build up in me over all this stuff, I was so tired of all this that I just could not take it any more... So the lesson number 1: while people do change, it takes a lot of time and it may not be the type of change you want. Lesson number 2: while others are changing and it takes them a lot of time, you're changing too and what you're getting might not be enough for you any more or might not even be any more what you want; Lesson number 3: Even if you get what you always wanted from this person, can you really forgive? After many years of rut it's very difficult to trust the person again. Very, very difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
mammax3 Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 More often than not, a person can change - but then the whole relationship changes, including the person that didn't initially change. kwim? One important component of the couple is different, and than affects change throughout the whole relationship which is often why the 'change' doesn't stick. The entire thing has to change, not just one isolated person. Open, healthy, productive communication is the only way a change can last. This can be the hardest part of the change. Ignoring the old resentment and growing from the present, finding new ways to communicate difficulties and frustrations, offering praise and encouragement in a meaningful way for you partner.... The list is long and it's an uphill road. Combine that with any dramatic changes a person is working on theirselves (trust or intimacy issues, mental health issues, physical rehab., anger/abuse issues etc) and it can be very challenging. I think this is why people change more effectively outside a relationship. Only one thing to focus on, only themselves and there is no measuring stick (their former partner). It sounds like Empty Promises has a challenge of communication. If your partner is actually committed to the relationship and agrees that there is a problem, then with some books, or open loving verbal exploration it might work. But it takes two to tango. One person can't stand there saying You Don't Treat Me Well! and expect instant changes, it has to be done together, yk? Link to post Share on other sites
pandagirl Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 I think people can change, BUT I think it is very rare and often times, isn't permanent. True change doesn't happen overnight, or in months time -- it takes a lot effort, awareness and self-growth. In my opinion, it take courage and a special person to truly change. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 Yes, I think that people can change as individuals but often relationships cannot be revisited because the dynamics simply dont work. Sometimes people bring out the worst in each other and it is better to stay away. Take care, Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
gorgio Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 People do change and if there was a good connection during the relationship a reconciliation is possible but it does take time. I agree that the relationship will be different, but the core will stay the same, otherwise what is the use of revisiting an old relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
redmelon Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 " I think people can change, BUT I think it is very rare and often times, isn't permanent." If it isn't "permanent", then it isn't change... Link to post Share on other sites
L.Lou Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 Yes. People of course can change. Most of us have (I'd like to believe). Firstoff, I'd like to say, I LOVE everyone's posts in here, ALL very helpful. I think the key is for them (the ex) to REALIZE how you've changed. I'm in a situation myself. With an ex, whom I'd LOOOVE to be back with. I HAVE in fact changed A LOT, within the year of us barely speaking. Now we're speaking...I was playing my cards right bout 2 weeks ago. NOW...I THINK I may have hit "friendzone". And am stuck. We can't spoon feed the person on how much we've changed. You'd have to think of some way/thing to do, that the changed will be shown IN ACTIONS. AND EVEN then, I don't believe the instance she/he sees those changes...that they'll automatically want you back...so I don't even know Link to post Share on other sites
redmelon Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I may have wrongly assumed we were talking specifically about behavioral changes, ones that matter in relationships. Not "Oh, I've changed, I went skydiving, or started taking a college class, or got a dog, or took up macrame, etc. I thought the question was, if someone is treating you poorly in a relationship, not meeting your needs, not a good partner, can THAT ever change? It seems this thread is being interpreted many different ways, so I think we should take a closer look at what the OP actually asked so that we can advise in a helpful way from our personal experiences...maybe the OP has seen enough already, I don't know, haha. Link to post Share on other sites
L.Lou Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 From what I've seen...everyone on here seems to be on the same page. WHEN I referred to changes, it's the exact changes every human being goes through. We grow older AND WISER (supposed to at least). The problem being, is will the ex SEE those changes IN YOU. The next problem, is...will THAT affect how they perceive you NOW? Not too sure. They left us for reasons, some unknown. My situation, is we (she) broke it off due to the BOTH OF US needing to grow/learn/CHANGE a little more. Our egos and beliefs were getting in the way, when we both knew..that love would only exist once damn near everything is pushed aside, not forgot about, just pushed aside. We (she mainly) weren't ready, and I AT THE TIME didn't see much to change. I've learned and grown after EVERY relationship. I've learned that I in fact WAS NOT on my P's and Q's ALL THE TIME, first relationship that I ever messed up..happened to be the best I was ever in AND the shortest. A year plus...and I'm not over this girl. smh Love is the greatest power known to man, capable of swaying emotion and CHANGE in people. I think a lot of us know this already. How do we get our ex to SEE IT?! .....I'm thinking.....TIME Link to post Share on other sites
lilria Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Change!? Yes someone can change, but it is up to them to do so.. and weather or not they want to. That includes them growing and getting help of what they need and a strong support system. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I think people can change... but only in a new relationship. If someone has treated you like crap once, they will probably continue to treat you like crap, because they still think of you as crap. When they meet someone new who they don't think of as crap, then they might be capable of changing. If someone hurts you once, they will do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
traxN90s Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 I think people can change if it's something they value enough to hang on to. If they try to but they can't then it's their problem and they need more time to mature and grow. Link to post Share on other sites
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