Starlight Starbright Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 Hi all, So it has been a little over 4 weeks since my boyfriend dumped me. I posted this thread back then: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t111981/ Please read the above post because it shows how I made all the classic mistakes (begging, pleading, and then lots of contact from my end the first week after the break). Since then, here is the contact we have had: *I texted him "Happy Birthday!" on Feb. 10. *He IMed me to see if it was ok to call and talk 2 days later. Said it was getting worse for him and the breakup was hitting him a lot slower than it hit me (because the first week of the breakup he had seemed totally fine). I played it cool, said I realized what had happened was for the best, said I was doing fine, told him I had enjoyed talking to him, and kept the conversation very short (said I had to go eat). *I caved and IMed him that I missed him on Valentine's Day. He admitted that he missed me too, but did not regret his decision. I told him I did not regret it either. I asked if he thought we could really be friends and he said "I really want us to be." I asked if he saw me tomorrow would he look at me as a friend. He said "Nope." I asked if he found out I had a boyfriend tomorrow would he be fine with that and he said "Nope." So basically he said he thinks that if we take enough time apart, the missing each other will get better. I said "what if it doesn't get better?" and he said "I think this conversation is heading into dangerous territory" so I stopped. I had reached his comfort zone. *I emailed him a link to a website we had been talking about the next day. No words in the email, just the link. *And finally today he IMed me again after 8 days NC while we were both at work, and I pretended to be super busy and said i couldnt chat. So he was like "Do you want to talk later?" I casually said ok and so he planned to call me again tonight. Now, here's the thing. I knew each time I talked to him, I HAD to be happy and confident, not the depressed girl he had broken up with. I had just gotten my bonus at work, so I TOTALLY played this up and sounded super excited about it over the phone. I also talked about some other things I was excited about (the book I'm reading, short term goals, etc). I was a bit flirty, but not overly so. He noticed. He said "i havent heard you sound so happy in a long time, and it makes me realize that I did the right thing in breaking up." I admitted to him that yes, I did think he did the right thing, because I had relied on him way too much for my happiness and now finally had the kick in the head to start working on myself to find happiness from within. I also told him that I was trying out therapists to help me with this. I asked how he was doing and he said "Not so good. He said that he had been missing me a lot. That he can't connect with anyone like he can with me." He said he would really love to go to a therapist too (he had ALOT of issues with insecurity throughout the relationship) and it made me sooo happy to hear that he realized them and wanted to work on them. He also was happy that I didnt hate him and was willing to talk to him. Also, hahahah - he said "It looks like I'm the one that is wanting to contact you, and I feel like you dont really care or want it." So, yeah, that shows the NC/RC really is working. He wanted to know if we could talk more often, and I was hesitant. I said that we should really be giving each other space right now while we work to improve ourselves. And he agreed. I told him its not fair to me to tell me he misses me, and he also agreed. So basically, we said that we would talk soon, but not too soon (obviously I won't be the one that initiates it). I didnt want to give in to us request for us to be able to talk often, because then he would be able to "have his cake and eat it too." HE NEEDS TO MISS ME and he wont miss me if we are in constant contact. Also, from his tone, and just the way he was talking, it was SOOOOOO tempting for me to hint at reconciliation, but I didnt because I knew it was way too early. He was basically testing the waters tonight, seeing how I felt towards him. SOOOO, yeah I guess I am going to focus on myself for the time being. Honestly, with the way we were talking, things look pretty good for a future reconciliation, but I dont want it to be too soon. Honestly, we had a lot of problems in the relationship and if we were to jump back in too soon, it would never work. I guess it helps in my situation that he admitted he was still in love with me when he broke up with me. I know the feelings are there, I just have to make him realize them. I hope I'm not getting my hopes up!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 No offense SS but I'm not seeing any NC at all except for what..a couple of weeks before you contacted him? Link to post Share on other sites
cityboy Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 I hope I'm not getting my hopes up!!!!! There's nothing wrong with optimism, but please be careful. Be aware of the moment. Remember what you have learned here. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 Classic buyers regret - you buy something but then can't stop thinking about all the other stuff you left back in the store that you can't have cos you've spent all your money....Thing is doesn't mean you actually want to go back and buy out the store just panic reaction now you can't. You are in the store - there's probably a reason for that. I'd say you are playing it right and you should pull back MORE not less... who knows maybe without him you can become that happy confident exciting (attracitve) woman he spoke to on the phone ...for real! Link to post Share on other sites
kimba Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 you've got to remember that HE dropped YOU. I mean you have to pull back way more than you are right now. All he is doing is testing the waters, to see how easy it would be to jump right in again. He's just testing his power over you. And you have to have enough time away from him so that you DO become really confident and excited about life - and not just as an act to make him miss you or whatever. I can just see that you are getting carried away with this contact and you really have to make him sweat over you a whole lot more than this.Good luck, don't give in to him yet. Try and be a bit more low contact;) Link to post Share on other sites
littlebopeep Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 I guess it helps in my situation that he admitted he was still in love with me when he broke up with me. I know the feelings are there, I just have to make him realize them. I hope I'm not getting my hopes up!!!!! My ex said exactly the same thing.I asked him when he said he still loved me,did he love me as a friend or was he still in love with me,he said still in love with me,still fancied me etc etc. He cried and said that because of circumstances,(him being away for a year,me being insecure it was the best thing to do.I asked him if it was over for good and all he could say was,who knows what will happen in the future and if he wanted to have a girlfriend again it would be me because i had been perfect. When we 1st broke up just over5 months ago i did the silly thing of telling him i would change etc but he said he had made his decision for now.We dont talk very often now and the odd time we have been on msn at the same time its just been general chitchat. He seemed so genuine when he ended things but now it feels like he wasnt sincere at all.Dont get your hopes up too much because it would mean going through the pain all over again.Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 You can still love someone, even as you are breaking up with them. It is also not unusual to miss the person you broke up with. The problem for the dumpee is that they don't realize or accept that it isn't enough love or "missing" to keep a relationship going. Only enough to make the breakup and subsequent post-breakup contacts somewhat painful. Will he be back? Maybe, maybe not. Just keep your contact to minimum. You are right in that he can't miss you if you are always 'there'. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starlight Starbright Posted February 25, 2007 Author Share Posted February 25, 2007 Thank you all for the reality check. Yes, I know that I am getting my hopes up too soon. That phone call left me so confused. He is definitely testing the waters. He straight up said "Right now I am just so happy that you are willing to talk to me and don't hate me or resent me." I told him that I had my ups and downs with that, but that I did not. The thing is, he has changed his tone soooo much since the first week after we broke up. Back then, he seemed almost excited to be single. This time, I straight up asked "How is single life going?" and he sounded so down when he said "Not so good actually." Also, he was the one that was adament about us keeping our distance so that we could both heal. So now I wonder why he is going back on that. I think the conversation went really well in that we both talked a lot about what went wrong in our relationship and we both sounded really eager to be working on ourselves to fix our individual problems. I had a problem with depression. He had a problem with jealousy. One thing that worries me: He said, "My friends say we shouldnt be talking" which makes me think he isnt running around telling his friends he wants me back, rather, his friends still see the situation as us needing to get over each other, and are giving him the best advice based on that information. I just didn't know how to deal with it when he straight up asked me if I wanted to be talking to him over the phone. If I had said no, that would have been a lie, because I DO want to talk to him to see where this leads. If I had asked him what would be the motives behind talking, then that would have put the ball in his court, and I don't want to do that. So I guess I gave him the best response I could think of at the time. The problem is, I have a real problem with anxiety and I really don't have patience to be playing games. I am contemplating straight up telling him next time he calls that us talking on the phone is not helping me get over him and so I think we shouldnt do it anymore. I would actually LOVE to ask him more questions about what he is thinking, but would that be a terrible idea? Something like: "Look, I don't think us talking is helping me get over you. Do you think its preventing you from getting over me to?" I'm pretty sure he will answer yes to that. Then, I want to ask "So then why do you want to keep talking on the phone? Do you truly want to get over me?" Would that be a horrible idea? Should I leave out the questions for him, and just tell him I don't want to talk to him anymore? I'm sooooo afraid if I say that, I will get so depressed and won't be able to stick to it. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
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