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Almost 2 years on and I still struggle...


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 8th June 2016, 9:25 PM   #31
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Reading between the lines but if he hopped or overlapped thst suggests he moved on way before he ended it with you. That means he did already resolve the relationship in his head and he may be trying to give 100% to the new girl by staying NC with you.

He probably is thinking about you regularly but not in a constructive way that can help you, give you comfort, or help you move on. Take your time and get angry he isn't giving you crumbs. Get angry he moved on long before it was over and didn't tell you point blank he was over you. He sucks.
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Old 8th June 2016, 10:55 PM   #32
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Originally Posted by SixxChick View Post
So true.

Or, how about this.

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

(Either that. Or, in the words of Prince, "punch a higher floor".)
A therapist told me this once. Been trying to remember it ever since. Thanks.
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Old 8th June 2016, 11:03 PM   #33
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Maybe remember that she will never be you or ever be able to offer all of the good things you have to offer and no matter what he's going to be the same way with her as he was with you because it never had anything to do with who you are but everything to do with who he is.

Then maybe feel sorry for that girl and be glad you're two steps ahead of her.
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Old 11th June 2016, 3:37 PM   #34
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I should feel sorry for her as he has already demonstrated he is a liar and manipulator. She knew he had a long term gf, she knew we bought a house together while she hung out with him, who knows what he was telling her. She def doesn't know he slept with me 6 days before going on a trip with her...and that he sat in his truck talking to me for two hours about how he regrets what he did, going on a trip with her, compares her to me, drives by the house we bought and thinks we could have made it work if we had communicated and he didn't allow himself to cloud his judgment by talking to another girl that was chomping at the bit to be with him.


I know this just shows his character, he did this to his last gf with me...except I was friends with him for a long time and knew the background story. He has a pattern. And yes, maybe he did check out a long time ago..and maybe I was as well..I will never know...I feel like at the end of the day...he is terrified of commitment...said as much to me...the house represented marriage he said..and it made him question everything. This girl was a soft landing as he said he "didn't want to be alone...what would I do if I was alone?" Pathetic......A part of me thinks he looked for a way to sabotage things...which in essence he did. I hope he is ashamed of his actions as he not only hurt me...but my family..and he has to live with that for the rest of his life, not me.
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Old 12th June 2016, 6:57 PM   #35
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I also envy people that get breadcrumbs because you know they are thinking about you in some way.
(I would be happy if i got a text from her, even if it's a 'how are you doing?'.. But i also know it's not worth it.)
It's better if they just leave you alone, it hurts but getting stringed in a mindgame is even worse.

People that hop/overlap do feel hurt leaving that person if they truly loved them but if there's another lover lined up i'm sure they don't care as much. Their focus,time and energy are going to the new person, So yes i would say they're clouded by the 'new shiny toy'.
Maybe they think about you, maybe they even check your SM just to see how you're doing. You won't know and it's no use asking yourself those questions because it won't change a thing.

You're doing really great by keeping yourself busy! If you feel overwhelmed and want to contact him just shift your thoughts.
And if you still have his number, delete it.

Imo, if they hop/overlap a relationship and it was a LTR, most of the time they emotionally checked out while still being together.
I don't think they actually process the breakup completely because they found a new high (the new shiny toy).
Maybe they forget about the previous one because the new relationship is actually working but it's also possible they will regret it because they are starting to see the faults of the new person, and they see how good you are doing in life and got everything working out for you.


Don't beat yourself up because he made a terrible choice. It's his loss!


The best revenge is succes. Keep working on yourself, and keep believing in yourself!
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Old 17th July 2016, 4:05 AM   #36
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Relationship built on a rocky foundation

I have some previous posts about my breakup where my ex ended things for a variety of reasons and immediately hopped into a relationship with another girl. He met her a month before we broke up, about 4 days before we bought a house together. He def emotionally cheated but I don't think physically did anything with her until he pulled the plug, prob to ease his guilt. I know there were other issues and the girl wasn't the reason for the ultimate breakup, she just made it that much easier. My question is, do relationships that start on lies and deceitfulness last? In my mind its a rocky foundation, and this chick has displayed some weirdness but I walked away with my head held high. If that's what he wants, go for it. I guess since some of you posters have had more experience then me, I wonder if you have experienced seeing these relationships flourish, or if they are doomed to fail because they are built on a false foundation. How can you feel good about this person you got involved with when they were involved with someone else or you were involved with someone else? Is history just going to repeat itself? Just ponderings and looking for others opinions...thanks guys
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Old 17th July 2016, 4:11 AM   #37
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Yeah, I know more than one successful relationship which has started out with one party leaping from a failing relationship to the next relationship.

Thing is, your guy's foundation with the new woman probably wasn't false. Chances are she knew he was in a relationship, was unhappy and had one foot out the door.

****ty of him to buy a house with you when he was so dubious about the relationship though. He should have pulled the plug before making that type of purchase with you.
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Old 17th July 2016, 4:37 AM   #38
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Yes crappy indeed. I don't know how it couldn't be false with her when he lied to her, slept with me 6 days before going on a trip with her..and came to my house and sat talking to me for two hours and saying hat he regrets what he did. Even if you have one foot out the door and are lining someone up...and she knew it was a failing relationship, it sounds like a ****ty start to me...but what do I know. All I know is that if I started seeing a guy before he had even broken up with his gf of five years, proceeded to buy a house with her, and I found out he slpt with her while starting something with me and went to her place etc, it would be red flag central and a done deal..but, different strokes for different folks
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Old 5th September 2016, 4:53 PM   #39
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10 months on..

Hope everyone is doing well in there recovery and hanging in there. Just needed to vent a little. Its going on 10 months since me and my ex broke up and 4-5 months of no contact. Its really bothers me that he hasn't reached out and seemingly has erased me from his life. I have been doing a lot better then I was but still am plagued by ruminating thoughts and self esteem issues since the breakup.

I guess I know its the old cliché " time heals all wounds", and no one can tell you when that time will be. I am a very loyal person...and even though I may have questioned my feelings at times and wondered if I was actually happy, I don't think I could have ever done to my ex what he did to me. I mean never say never, but I would like to believe that I would have enough respect and integrity for him that I would take his feelings into account.

Anyways I digress. I have been attending counselling, started somewhat dating as I feel I am a bit more open to meeting people and seeing what the world has to offer, I am going back to school to better myself career wise, live in the house we purchased and am basically having my mortgage paid by tenants since it has a suite and by all accounts would seem to have had a turn around. I have no idea how he is doing..if karma has done anything to him or he is living the same existence as he was with me but just without the commitment to a house and future. Everyone that knows my situation says that I will come out on top, I escaped being tied down to a man child and pot head...who freaks out at commitment but stays with a girl until he has someone else lined up when things start to become make or break time. They say I would never have been happy with someone that couldn't make adult decisions, was baked all the time and didn't have the emotional maturity to talk to me about his doubts or stand up for himself when he was questioning making a commitment to a house. That I deserve someone that can actually demonstrate empathy...it wasn't until after he did what he did and he thought about things that he made statements like "I think about what I did to you and it was absolutely horrible and you did not deserve it" or " I don't think I was thinking clearly when I made those decisions and just went with it..I think if I was we wouldn't be here" but yet is still with the girl and cut me out. Someone who is emotional mature and empathetic can put themselves in another persons shoes and think about how they would feel. When I asked him how he would feel if I did what I did..he said he would probably be devastated and hurt. Maybe I need to start believing my friends because a part of me doesn't..thinking they are just saying things to make me feel better. I know at the end of the day it doesn't matter....maybe in time I will see I could never have been happy with him...because marriage would have entailed me making sure all the bills were paid..and taking care of the kids...making sure stuff got done and probably takin care of him as well....while he coasted through life.

I still get very much stuck on the other girl and what she had that I didn't...and his lack of reaching out. I constantly think about if he is super happy with her and moved on and I am just a fleeting memory. I know everyone says I dodged a bullet...and he will most likely do to her what he did to me and his ex before me. But what if he doesn't? What if he changes for her and it was actually worth hurting me and my family the way he did? When will I not care? I don't want to worry about if they will or will not last anymore..I don't want to think about if he will marry her and I wasted FIVE YEARS of my life on someone that could be so callous at the end.

I want to disengage..but the urge to contact him one last time and say my piece is overwhelming. I promised myself I would go on my trip to Australia and new Zealand..have the time of my life (which I did) and reevaluate how I felt when I got back. When I got back I decided to wait and see how I feel when school kicks in because it may keep me so busy that I will not longer be overwhelmed with wanting to say one last thing. I hold myself back because I don't want to know if he is now with the "one" and theres no doubt that he probably is still with her because he said himself "i don't want to be alone". He has a history of relationship hopping and Id like to believe this girl is no exception but what if she is?

I'm sorry for the rant. I guess I just hoped by this point these urges would go away and I would have had some indication that he cared at least a little. Its obvious he does not and he has moved on. I know that he is utterly ashamed of his actions and feels guilty based on what he has said, so it makes sense that hed rather avoid then talk to me and feel bad. I just wonder....do people that continue this cycle just continue or do they change? Ahh well...I hope to update in time to say that I am completely over it and the urges have passed.

I wish all of you a speedy recovery and it does get better, I just don't know how to get over this last hurtle and I miss him so much.

Last edited by ShannonM10; 5th September 2016 at 5:02 PM..
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Old 5th September 2016, 5:03 PM   #40
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I absolutely don't believe that, "Time heals all wounds."

I don't think that time heals anything.

But I do believe that time spent on healing, heals most wounds.


You said that:


Quote:
Originally Posted by ShannonM10 View Post
I have been attending counselling, started somewhat dating as I feel I am a bit more open to meeting people and seeing what the world has to offer, I am going back to school to better myself career wise, live in the house we purchased and am basically having my mortgage paid by tenants since it has a suite and by all accounts would seem to have had a turn around.
You're definitely committed to your healing process, so just keeping on doing what your inner wisdom tells you to do.

Then walk into the sunshine.


Take care.
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Old 5th September 2016, 7:05 PM   #41
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Hello !
I am much like you , except my ex dumped me for no one else .

He was a total loser in so many ways ,a drug addict , a liar etc . I have thought about him everyday for a year . I thought I missed him , but honestly there is zero to miss!

I feel I have gotten closure from him now and he is over me .

Anyway ... Back to you . I think you are moving in the right direction and the thoughts you have are natural . It is hard but perhaps it will take more time for you to really see that you and this guy were not meant to be .

The other girl!? Maybe it will work , maybe not . But honestly , who cares ? She may have more of an accepting personality (i.e puts up with his bull )or maybe she's a pot head . It doesn't matter , you are still worthy , good enough and another man will suit you much better .

Take the focus off him as much as you can , he's not that special
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Old 6th September 2016, 2:13 PM   #42
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Hi! It sounds like you are recovering well. Being with someone for 5 years is a lot of time - and a lot of yourself invested in someone else, which can take some time to get over. You say that you are plagued by self esteem issues. Please don't let this man and what he did to you determine your value. He obviously has issues that don't have anything to do with you - issues with drugs and commitment and the fear of being alone. Those are his issues, not yours. I'm glad that you are receiving good counsel and are open to dating again. I know it's painful and difficult, but you will get over this last hurdle, just keep taking the next step in front of you. May God bless you!
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Old 6th September 2016, 8:27 PM   #43
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I reached out to my ex for one last sense of closure, despite what everyone here and offline recommended to me. I thought it would do me a world of good and would be a way to round out my healing process.

It didn't happen that way at all. It spiraled into something else. That spiral is over and I've regained normalcy in my life after a solid month of mixed signals.

Initially, it was nice to have memories flood back between us, but then it turned into a big emotional mess.

My ex, like your ex, is involved with someone. He wasn't a slacker and a commitment phobe like your ex, but he moved on very quickly with his rebound and that shocked the hell out of me.

In these types of situations, it's honestly best not to know what's going on their lives. Like you, people tell me I dodged a bullet --- more like a cannonball. If you think about it that way, I find it really does help to move forward with a clear conscious.

You're on a good path. Between the counseling, traveling, starting school, and such, you're moving forward. It's very normal to wonder and think about past circumstances though.
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Old 7th September 2016, 8:24 PM   #44
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Originally Posted by ShannonM10 View Post
Hope everyone is doing well in there recovery and hanging in there. Just needed to vent a little. Its going on 10 months since me and my ex broke up and 4-5 months of no contact. Its really bothers me that he hasn't reached out and seemingly has erased me from his life. I have been doing a lot better then I was but still am plagued by ruminating thoughts and self esteem issues since the breakup.

I guess I know its the old cliché " time heals all wounds", and no one can tell you when that time will be. I am a very loyal person...and even though I may have questioned my feelings at times and wondered if I was actually happy, I don't think I could have ever done to my ex what he did to me. I mean never say never, but I would like to believe that I would have enough respect and integrity for him that I would take his feelings into account.

Anyways I digress. I have been attending counselling, started somewhat dating as I feel I am a bit more open to meeting people and seeing what the world has to offer, I am going back to school to better myself career wise, live in the house we purchased and am basically having my mortgage paid by tenants since it has a suite and by all accounts would seem to have had a turn around. I have no idea how he is doing..if karma has done anything to him or he is living the same existence as he was with me but just without the commitment to a house and future. Everyone that knows my situation says that I will come out on top, I escaped being tied down to a man child and pot head...who freaks out at commitment but stays with a girl until he has someone else lined up when things start to become make or break time. They say I would never have been happy with someone that couldn't make adult decisions, was baked all the time and didn't have the emotional maturity to talk to me about his doubts or stand up for himself when he was questioning making a commitment to a house. That I deserve someone that can actually demonstrate empathy...it wasn't until after he did what he did and he thought about things that he made statements like "I think about what I did to you and it was absolutely horrible and you did not deserve it" or " I don't think I was thinking clearly when I made those decisions and just went with it..I think if I was we wouldn't be here" but yet is still with the girl and cut me out. Someone who is emotional mature and empathetic can put themselves in another persons shoes and think about how they would feel. When I asked him how he would feel if I did what I did..he said he would probably be devastated and hurt. Maybe I need to start believing my friends because a part of me doesn't..thinking they are just saying things to make me feel better. I know at the end of the day it doesn't matter....maybe in time I will see I could never have been happy with him...because marriage would have entailed me making sure all the bills were paid..and taking care of the kids...making sure stuff got done and probably takin care of him as well....while he coasted through life.

I still get very much stuck on the other girl and what she had that I didn't...and his lack of reaching out. I constantly think about if he is super happy with her and moved on and I am just a fleeting memory. I know everyone says I dodged a bullet...and he will most likely do to her what he did to me and his ex before me. But what if he doesn't? What if he changes for her and it was actually worth hurting me and my family the way he did? When will I not care? I don't want to worry about if they will or will not last anymore..I don't want to think about if he will marry her and I wasted FIVE YEARS of my life on someone that could be so callous at the end.

I want to disengage..but the urge to contact him one last time and say my piece is overwhelming. I promised myself I would go on my trip to Australia and new Zealand..have the time of my life (which I did) and reevaluate how I felt when I got back. When I got back I decided to wait and see how I feel when school kicks in because it may keep me so busy that I will not longer be overwhelmed with wanting to say one last thing. I hold myself back because I don't want to know if he is now with the "one" and theres no doubt that he probably is still with her because he said himself "i don't want to be alone". He has a history of relationship hopping and Id like to believe this girl is no exception but what if she is?

I'm sorry for the rant. I guess I just hoped by this point these urges would go away and I would have had some indication that he cared at least a little. Its obvious he does not and he has moved on. I know that he is utterly ashamed of his actions and feels guilty based on what he has said, so it makes sense that hed rather avoid then talk to me and feel bad. I just wonder....do people that continue this cycle just continue or do they change? Ahh well...I hope to update in time to say that I am completely over it and the urges have passed.

I wish all of you a speedy recovery and it does get better, I just don't know how to get over this last hurtle and I miss him so much.
I really related to your story, and I feel your pain I dated my ex boyfriend for 6.5 years. We started dating when I was 21 and he was 19. Lately I think we both hit a stagnant stage in our relationship and we both kinda questioned if we were meant to be together. But I've invested so much in this relationship, and moved across the country from all friends and family to be by his side for his new job, so I was willing to go through this "stage". However, he never communicated his feelings with me and at the time, I didn't know he felt like this as well. Well back in June he went to Cancun with his guy friends, came home and broke up with me. He told me he's felt this way for awhile and he didn't know if this was a break or a breakup- but something was telling him he needed quite some time apart from me. I was super upset but this but totally understood where he was coming from and I knew we were meant to be together, so I moved back home to New York without much of a fight.

Fast foward to now, 3 months after the breakup, and I find out he cheated on me with a girl in Cancun who is 21 years old (he's 26.) After he came home from Cancun, he continued communication with her and they are now officially dating. It's a long distance dating but he chooses to communicate with her daily rather than me. It's been 3 months since the breakup, and our only contact has been regarding bills.

I did lay my heart on the line a few weeks ago and he was very cold in return, so I will not be making that same mistake again. I keep reading the best way to make a statement to your ex so they realize what they had, is to completely disappear from their lives, so that is what I am doing. I've read that if you keep in contact with you ex (who has already moved on with someone else), your actually helping them stay in that relationship. That's because this new relationship they are in is in the "honeymoon" stage, so its all about excitement and fun. If you continue talking to your ex, you're providing them with that comfort and deep connection. So they are getting all their needs satisfied and they know you are on the back burner, so they have no rush to end this new rebound. You can read more about it here http://www.relationshiptalk.net/if-y...e-4853532.html

And just like you, I'm very much focused on their girl and wondering what she has to offer that I didn't. But in reality, I think she just offered that fun and carefree vibe. With me, the next step was engagement and I think that scared him. Not making excuses for him, but he's a child and will regret this for the rest of his life.
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Old 7th September 2016, 8:28 PM   #45
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Originally Posted by Bialy View Post
I reached out to my ex for one last sense of closure, despite what everyone here and offline recommended to me. I thought it would do me a world of good and would be a way to round out my healing process.

It didn't happen that way at all. It spiraled into something else. That spiral is over and I've regained normalcy in my life after a solid month of mixed signals.

Initially, it was nice to have memories flood back between us, but then it turned into a big emotional mess.

My ex, like your ex, is involved with someone. He wasn't a slacker and a commitment phobe like your ex, but he moved on very quickly with his rebound and that shocked the hell out of me.

In these types of situations, it's honestly best not to know what's going on their lives. Like you, people tell me I dodged a bullet --- more like a cannonball. If you think about it that way, I find it really does help to move forward with a clear conscious.

You're on a good path. Between the counseling, traveling, starting school, and such, you're moving forward. It's very normal to wonder and think about past circumstances though.
Anytime we go back and break no contact, thinking it will help with closure, it never works out. You go right back to square one and the pain is even worse.
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