How did you "accept" the situation and let go?

[2mehappiness]

My ex-bf broke up with3 weeks ago. It was unexpected and I was not prepared for it. The first few weeks were very hard and I grieved like there was no tomorrow. I was initially in shock that the person I cared about have never loved me. I went back and forth from resentment, anger, pain, sadness, betrayal etc. I went into depressionand sought help from a counsellor. I have been on strict NC for 2 weeks andhave no access to social media. He communicated through my friend to arrange topick up his stuff and I have not heard back from him since. I am keeping myself busy. I have awesome friends and very supportive family.

 

 

So what's the problem? I had always envisioned us to be together and would fantasize us about buying a place and growing old together. Unfortunately, it was all one sided and I amhaving a hard time accepting that this person is now out of my life. I still linger on to hope that he will return to me. For the past few days, I changed my way of thinking. I keep telling myself that 1) he doesn’t want me (If he did,he would have contacted me) 2) I don’t want him back because it was a toxic relationship 3) I need to move on. I think if I keep telling myself that, my brain will automatically remember this to help me accept the situation and move on.

 

 

The problem is I have been having nightmares/dreams about him every single night since the breakup. So I often wake up missing him and have anxiety that he isn’t around anymore. I try to tell myself that the dreams are not real and think about something positive in my life. But the dreams still keep reoccurring and it affects my day. Then I overthink and question why he doesn’t text me, why doesn’t he miss me etc. I feel like I havea huge void in my life that I can’t fill and I feel so empty. My friends aregreat but almost all are in a relationship and is too busy for me sometimes. My family is super supportive but they live in a different city so it is not the same. I am concern that my ex will move on and I am trying to push myself to a state where I am happy and content with life to a point where it would notbother me. I guess I am trying to protect/prepare myself because I don’t want to be hurt again. I am stressing myself out about a situation that I have no control over, yet I cant stop stressing.

 

 

So how did you guys do it? How did you accept the situation and move on? I amtrying to let go but I find it very difficult sometimes. Other than time, is there any way to overcome this?

 

 

Thanks in advance.

Edited November 20, 2015 by 2mehappiness

[PaperCrane]

Why did you break up? What made it toxic?

 

How old are the both of you?

[2mehappiness]

Why did you break up? What made it toxic?

You can read it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/557572-commitment-phobic-how-recover It was toxic because I lost my self-esteem, my identity and my confidence. I thought he couldnt commit to me, because I wasn't the right girl. So I thought if I made more efforts and improve myself, that will change his opinion. It turned out that the issue was him. He gets anxiety and has a phobia whenever a relationship gets serious, but I just chose to ignore all the signs.

 

 

I felt like the relationship was the only control I had in my life. My career is mediocre and I feel like im behind in life compare to my friends my age. So I continued the relationship because I was scared to confront my own issues.

 

How old are the both of you?

32 and 35.

[PaperCrane]

There's a quote I enjoy:

 

Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.

 

-Alexis Carrel

 

You must accept that the piece of your life that once was, that you had plans to mold has been cast off. It is gone. But that is not a bad thing. It is merely a change. You have all the rest of your life to work on, why focus on this one part when you can work towards having all you ever wanted?

 

Set those goals. See reality for what it is. Make progress every day.

 

Acceptance for it all will come with time.

[moonwalker86]

Let go of the past. I'm going through a separation right now, it's only been 1 week officially, but I let go of all the hopes and dreams and things that were said in regards to them. I got rid of all our love letters because they don't apply to today anymore. They were great times but those times don't exist anymore, they are just relics of the past. And I don't want the past to hurt me anymore so I did what I had to in ridding myself as much as I love my wife. Now we're being civil and doing what's right for our child and staying positive. I look at my situation as another chance to just live how I wish to and begin anew. Maybe my situation is different because she has a man in the picture, had him there before we split up, that made it a bit easier for me to detach myself and say that she has growing up to do. I was just like you, I'd tell her we'd be on rocking chairs listening to Billie Holiday together when we were old and prunish. But that doesn't mean it won't happen with someone else. It's just impossible to try to imagine letting someone else into your heart when it's just happened. It's too soon, too raw. But I believe in time our hearts will open again.

[Perro_azul]

I've read your original post. My ex also told me about his commitment issues and he broke up with me because we were incompatible and didn't have a lot in common. It's been almost 2 months for me. I'm still very conflicted about everything and still hope he would somehow miraculously change his way. The first month it was really hard, but I seek strength and wisdom from my past relationships. I think about the past a lot, I'm even reading my old journals to understand how I coped and felt years ago. I keep writing about my thoughts and feelings, because if I don't, I feel like I'm exploding. I can't date yet and I realized that I don't need to feel guilty about being a sad depressed person. The more I push myself, the more depressed I become. Everyday that you live through, memory fades, it hurts less and less and less. There is no lifehack how to wake up one day and let go. You need to have patience and know that you're not stuck, you are just moving slow. I also found something to look forward to. Thinking about it makes me very excited and happy (for me it's a Coldplay show in Barcelona), but it can be anything, create an achievable dream and know that something superawesome is waiting for you in the future. Good luck!

[SoThatHappened]

Honestly, it takes a while before you truly accept it. Early stages involve denial and shock.

 

In a few months, if nothing has changed, that's when you'll truly accept it.

[anika99]

Totally relate to the anxiety and obsessive thoughts after a sudden break up. I think a certain amount of that is normal but it will be worse than normal if you have abandonment fears.

 

Sounds like you are doing everything right. Going no contact, cutting of social media, seeing a counsellor and working on your thinking. Now you just need the passing of time to heal you. I know that's not a very good answer but it's true. Three weeks is still very early days but it will definitely get better. You can't will yourself to happiness. Accept your grief and respect your pain. Staying busy is good but sometimes you just need to be still and let yourself feel the hurt. Let it wash over you, feel it, cry, listen to sad songs, etc. The power of those hurtful feelings will weaken once you let yourself open up to it. I bet in a month or two you will feel much better.

[2mehappiness]

I have slowly come to terms that he is not going to be part of my future. I can still have my fantasy of finding someone who will love me unconditionally and grow old with me, but I need to rewrite the characters. But every morning I wake up and I think about him. Why is this breakup so exceptionally hard

[TheLoveBelow92]

I have slowly come to terms that he is not going to be part of my future. I can still have my fantasy of finding someone who will love me unconditionally and grow old with me, but I need to rewrite the characters. But every morning I wake up and I think about him. Why is this breakup so exceptionally hard

 

Breakups are hard because we have a hard time comprehending our feelings, we cant think straight, we feel lost and for the most part we come up with more questions than we ever find answers. Just go easy on yourself and I promise you will be fine and you will come out of this a better person.

 

Life is full of ups and downs but its were you end up learning the most.

[2mehappiness]

Well today sucked. I'm slowly accepting the idea that he is out of my life. Strict NC and I am really proud of myself. Maybe it's pride, I feel like I have too much pride to contact him when he dumped me. I was doing really well. I'm making self discoveries about myself everyday. I feel like I have grown so much since the breakup. I am so much more wiser, more self aware and more empathetic that I didn't know I was capable of.

 

Today I returned everything that belonged to him via a friend. He txted my friend to arrange a time to meet up. He didn't text me. It feels so final. I know it was over a month ago. I guess I have not fully accepted the breakup yet so I needed this to happen. But it still sucks. How can he not txt me? We were friends for 5 years b4 we went out. I hope tomorrow will be a better day cuz today was ****.

[TheLoveBelow92]

Well today sucked. I'm slowly accepting the idea that he is out of my life. Strict NC and I am really proud of myself. Maybe it's pride, I feel like I have too much pride to contact him when he dumped me. I was doing really well. I'm making self discoveries about myself everyday. I feel like I have grown so much since the breakup. I am so much more wiser, more self aware and more empathetic that I didn't know I was capable of.

 

Today I returned everything that belonged to him via a friend. He txted my friend to arrange a time to meet up. He didn't text me. It feels so final. I know it was over a month ago. I guess I have not fully accepted the breakup yet so I needed this to happen. But it still sucks. How can he not txt me? We were friends for 5 years b4 we went out. I hope tomorrow will be a better day cuz today was ****.

 

Try not to worry yourself to much about it, you will have better days and days you feel like your not improving at all just dont beat yourself up too much about it. A month is to short of a time to be over someone and feel like you dont care because you have to lie to yourself and its natural thats where the ups and downs come from. you will be fine, keep busy take it day by day and you will be more than fine

[moonwalker86]

Sorry you had a bad day. Today was pretty crappy for me. BY pretty I mean terribly crappy.

I was at a good friends b-day today that his wife planned for him and there were so many heartfelt speeches about love and family and all this stuff that just made me feel so terrible about what's happened in my life.

It's such a sensitive time to hear all these things, hearing about others being deeply in love just cuts me inside a bit, even though I'm happy for them, it still hurts.