Commitment phobic - how to recover?

[2mehappiness]

My boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I feel like a zombie. It wasnt until I read "Why men cant love" did it all make sense. I thought he was unhappy because of me and that he was lost in life. It wasnt until the last few days did I realize that I was dating a commitment phobic men. This relationship/breakup is detrimental to my health and self-esteem. I can't sleep and fell into depression and I ended up obtaining a counsellor because I have so much anxiety. Prior to this relationship, I was a happy go lucky, funny, healthy girl who love life. My self-esteem has hit rock bottom because I thought he was unhappy with me for the longest time so I try to change myself to please him. I figure if I put more efforts, he would be happy but I realize it was never about me. It was always him and what he wants/perceive. But the damage has been done.

 

We have been going out for more than 1 year and all the signs were there but I chose to ignore it. We started out as friends for 5 years before we went out so I didn't see the signs (more like in denial). When he told me he had always had a crush on me, I was very flattered. He had a gf when I met up, but he said their passion has died and they are more like friends. I believed him and we dated after they broke up. Our honeymoon stage was great. He was everything that I wanted. He was so open and shared alot of stuff with me and made me feel like I was the one. Eventually I let my guards down and fell hard for him. When I finally have the courage to ask him where he sees our relationship in the future, he completely changed. He became distant and cold and retreated. He would make excuses not to see me and would return my txt less frequently. When I asked him in person why he was distant, he said the relationship was not as much fun anymore and started nitpicking on things about me that was not relevant. When I asked him if he wanted to break up, he didnt answer me but said maybe I am worth it. I asked if he was afraid of commitment, but he denied it and said he was in a common law relationship before, so I believed him. I thought it was me who was making him unhappy.

 

The next little while became a cycle. He became very distant and said he doesnt know what he wants in life, so I believed him. I thought he was having some pre mid-life crisis so I tried give him space. He would often have headaches and stomach pains, so i encouraged him to go to the doctor. He said he doesnt know if he wants to settle down because he loves his independence, so I backed off and gave him space whenever he needs it while walking on eggshells. I have never ever once restricted him not to go out or pressured him in any way. Every time he became distant, I would make more efforts. I thought if I made more efforts, he would see that I am this perfect g/f and would eventually want to settle down with me. But the more efforts I made, the more distant he became. When I began to lose hope, he would become attentive and I thought our relationship would be ok again. Then this whole cycle would repeat itself for half a year.

 

Breakup...I had no idea what happened to be honest. He was great one day and the following day he became very distant. When I asked him if he want to work on our relationship, he said I dont know. When I asked him what's wrong, he said our passion has died. When I asked him if he wants to break up, he said maybe. During the breakup, it was weird. He said he can picture us together, "thinks" he loves me but needed to break up because he values his independence too much. He then admitted he had cheated on most of his ex's. When I asked him if he cheated on me, he said no. I asked him if we are going on a break because he seem so hesitant about the breakup and he jokingly asked if he cheat on me if we are on a break and i said no. He gave me a hug and told me its not goodbye. (I didnt even know what that meant).

 

After the breakup, he began giving me mixed signals. He continued to text me and tells me he is thinking alot. He said he can see us living together but he is afraid he will be bored if we lived together so he needs to assess if we are compatible living together first. I called him several days later and he completely did a 180 turn on me. He said he doesnt know if he loved me and he wanted to break up with me for awhile. I was devastated and conflicted. The following day, he texted me and told me not to cancel our travel plans (we bought tickets to travel abroad next year). So again I had hope that he would get back together with me. Anyways I couldnt do it anymore. I gave him one final text, wished him luck and told him to pick up his stuff at my friends place because I couldn't see him. He texted my friend to let her know he dropped off some stuff for me. A few days later, he texted my friend to ask for something I forgot to return to him. It was an old tool that I had for months that he borrowed from his dad. I am not sure why he needs it back (if he was indirectly asking me) and I dont know why he texted my friend instead of me.

 

It has been one week since our last text. I havent heard from him. I still miss him like crazy some days so I am distracting myself by going out with friends/family and doing activities. I can't sleep because I keep thinking about him. I worry that he would move on to another relationship and I keep reminiscing our good days together. I know this breakup is fresh, but I need help to move on. If anyone has been in a commitment phobic relationship, please give me some insight on how to move on. I still love him and a small part of me do wish he would contact me to get back together, although I know its a terrible thing for me and my self esteem. Do CP try to get back together or do they usually move on? If they do get back together, does it ever work out if they genuinely want to change? Please help, I honestly don't know what to do.

 

If you have successfully moved on, can you share some happy stories? I just need some hope that everything would be ok. Thanks in advance.

Edited November 14, 2015 by 2mehappiness

[makemineamac]

Oh my! You need to run from this guy.

 

'Our passion died?" Really, is that what it is? That's what he said about his last relationship too. It takes work, life isn't the honeymoon phase forever.

 

Look, so sorry for how you're feeling. I know it's terrible, you will get to a better place in time.

 

There will be some good advice coming your way from the very helpful people here, but this guy is a mess, and it's more than being a commitment-phobre He's a cake eater, he's a jerk, and he's even more than that.

 

You deserve far better, you do.

 

Stay NC, and don't worry about what he's doing. You can do this.

[2mehappiness]

Thanks, I really needed that reality check. He's very selfish and hurtful but I still miss him (sigh). I find it extra hard on the weekends and holidays when my schedule normally revolves around him and now I need to shift my focus on myself. I have so much anxiety, mainly because I have never felt so alone in my life. There are times where I literally could not go home because I dont like being in my empty apartment and I now require a night light to help me sleep. I try to go out with my friends to distract me, but most of my friends (30's) are busy with their families/significant others. My own family doesn't live here, so its extra hard.

 

I find that mornings and evenings are really hard, because we would normally text each other good morning/good night. Sometimes I get mad at myself for thinking about him. Whenever I have any big news, I am so tempted to txt him to share that with him. I just wish I knew what I was getting myself into. Had I known he was a commitment phobe, I may not have dug myself in this deep or I would have protected myself more.

[makemineamac]

I know it's so tough right?

 

But there should be no ambiguity as if you stop and think for a moment, where could this relationship have gone really? Would it have gone much further? You seem to be a people-pleaser, much like I am, and sometimes that's not to our benefit.

 

There are numerous red flags that I am seeing in your story above, the one I pointed out in my original response is that he quickly gets 'bored' with his current partner and it doesn't sound like he is willing to work on keeping the excitement 'alive'. If he's not willing to do that you are wasting your time. Seriously.

 

I know right now you are missing all the familiarity and comfort of your relationship with him. It's understandable, really it is. And sleeping and all of those day to day things can be tough. But they are only tough for so long I can tell you.

 

You will feel better, you will feel empowered, you will soon recognize that you will be happier 'out' of this relationship than 'in' it. It was toxic and doomed to fail.

 

Until he gets to a point in his life where he is willing to consistently work at keeping a relationship loving, interesting, and is also willing to be supportive, there is no point in pursuing him.

 

You deserve better, you do.

 

If you can get any counselling please do. You need to redirect the energy you're currently burning pining for him. You need to focus on you and what's ahead.

 

Yes, there will be days of sadness, where you'll occasionally feel distraught, but you will see, you will make it through.

 

I promise you that this will get better, forget about him as he has indicated he is done with you.

 

Everyone says it, but go to the gym, go walking, read, this is a great time to spend time on you. It's cliché but it's true.

 

(Also, if you can cancel that trip do it. His push/pull crap is obnoxious. Plan a trip, but with someone else!)

 

You got this I assure you.

Edited November 15, 2015 by makemineamac

[LLQ1986]

Hey, I can somehow relate to your story. My ex is actually married with a son, but in bad terms with wife, they are separated since last Dec (we met in late March in my country) and she now lives in another country with the son.

 

I plan to move in with him next year around Feb, only recently he had been acting strange; emotional and depressed at times. He told me that he's actually not ready to commit; he wanted to live alone.

 

I actually think I'm only a rebound.

 

He bought me tickets to fly to him in Dec just weeks ago but I'm not flying anymore since we are no longer 'an item'.

 

It's only a week since our BU, 3-4 days of NC; he sent me msges asking me to delete private photos of him, I had to reply because when I ignored him initially he sent me another the next day. I didn't want to hear from him again so I replied to reassure him.

 

I miss him a lot. Missed those gmorning and gnite msges terribly. He was my best friend and the first person I went to whenever I had something to share.

 

Everyday I still wish to receive something from him but I know it's best if he didn't. We need to stick to NC so that we can heal.

 

Let's stay strong and hang in there, shall we?

[AT15]

Sounds like my ex dude. Not willing to grow in a relationship. It's weird. He also cheated on all his girlfriends and his fiancee. NC is hard, but it's best.

[mightycpa]

Good evening ladies,

 

I was accused more than once of being "commitment phobic". But the unvarnished truth was twofold:

 

1) I liked them plenty, but not enough to take the next steps towards marriage

2) I didn't have the balls to tell them the hard truth

 

It was difficult for me to justify my actions, because I didn't want to face truth #2.

 

Then I grew up a little, went through a couple more girlfriends, and I found myself in that situation yet again. I was older and wiser, and I truly did love the girl, but there were things about her that I simply didn't like, and for those reasons, I didn't see an unending future. I just wasn't ready to pull the trigger and get rid of her... not yet.

 

But these conversations have a way of coming up, don't they? So when she asked about it, I swallowed hard, and decided to tell her the truth, and that's exactly what I did. Maybe I could have phrased things differently, I don't know. It was a difficult conversation to have, but I thought she deserved the truth from me, and I was determined to tell it. Two days later, she cheated on me, and made sure I found out about it.

 

It was a ****ty way to end things, but I didn't really blame her. I cried for six months, and then one day, I fell out of love. I felt both alive and free, with no regrets.

 

Three more great girlfriends later, I suddenly lost my "commitment phobia", or in other words, I met the right girl.

 

So let's not kid ourselves, ok? Just like I needed to tell myself the truth, you need to tell yourself the truth now. Commitment phobia has a funny way of disappearing in a man's future when you least expect it. More often than not, the problem is that the guy knows in his gut that you're not the girl, but he can't explain why and he doesn't want to upset you, or even talk about it. So he says nonsensical stuff when you push the conversation, and you poor ladies suffer the death of a thousand cuts, rather than getting your rejection all at once. I've seen it a million times.

 

So that's what I think is really going on here.

[LLQ1986]

Good evening ladies,

 

I was accused more than once of being "commitment phobic". But the unvarnished truth was twofold:

 

1) I liked them plenty, but not enough to take the next steps towards marriage

2) I didn't have the balls to tell them the hard truth

 

It was difficult for me to justify my actions, because I didn't want to face truth #2.

 

Then I grew up a little, went through a couple more girlfriends, and I found myself in that situation yet again. I was older and wiser, and I truly did love the girl, but there were things about her that I simply didn't like, and for those reasons, I didn't see an unending future. I just wasn't ready to pull the trigger and get rid of her... not yet.

 

But these conversations have a way of coming up, don't they? So when she asked about it, I swallowed hard, and decided to tell her the truth, and that's exactly what I did. Maybe I could have phrased things differently, I don't know. It was a difficult conversation to have, but I thought she deserved the truth from me, and I was determined to tell it. Two days later, she cheated on me, and made sure I found out about it.

 

It was a ****ty way to end things, but I didn't really blame her. I cried for six months, and then one day, I fell out of love. I felt both alive and free, with no regrets.

 

Three more great girlfriends later, I suddenly lost my "commitment phobia", or in other words, I met the right girl.

 

So let's not kid ourselves, ok? Just like I needed to tell myself the truth, you need to tell yourself the truth now. Commitment phobia has a funny way of disappearing in a man's future when you least expect it. More often than not, the problem is that the guy knows in his gut that you're not the girl, but he can't explain why and he doesn't want to upset you, or even talk about it. So he says nonsensical stuff when you push the conversation, and you poor ladies suffer the death of a thousand cuts, rather than getting your rejection all at once. I've seen it a million times.

 

So that's what I think is really going on here.

 

I knew the commitment thing is just BS so the moment he broke that to me, I told myself I had to go.

 

I knew what it takes to get over a BU and I'm still trying my best every single day.

 

NC is THE ONLY option- not an easy thing to do at all but I know that's the ONLY thing I can do right now.

[walkingonair]

I have dated one and I know sooooo much about this issue. Don't go back. He's gonna contact you again and will want to get back with you again but then he will break up with you a few months later again. It will b a toxic relationship please don't get involved you'll just be sad and frustrated!!!!!

[walkingonair]

Good evening ladies,

 

I was accused more than once of being "commitment phobic". But the unvarnished truth was twofold:

 

1) I liked them plenty, but not enough to take the next steps towards marriage

2) I didn't have the balls to tell them the hard truth

 

It was difficult for me to justify my actions, because I didn't want to face truth #2.

 

Then I grew up a little, went through a couple more girlfriends, and I found myself in that situation yet again. I was older and wiser, and I truly did love the girl, but there were things about her that I simply didn't like, and for those reasons, I didn't see an unending future. I just wasn't ready to pull the trigger and get rid of her... not yet.

 

But these conversations have a way of coming up, don't they? So when she asked about it, I swallowed hard, and decided to tell her the truth, and that's exactly what I did. Maybe I could have phrased things differently, I don't know. It was a difficult conversation to have, but I thought she deserved the truth from me, and I was determined to tell it. Two days later, she cheated on me, and made sure I found out about it.

 

It was a ****ty way to end things, but I didn't really blame her. I cried for six months, and then one day, I fell out of love. I felt both alive and free, with no regrets.

 

Three more great girlfriends later, I suddenly lost my "commitment phobia", or in other words, I met the right girl.

 

So let's not kid ourselves, ok? Just like I needed to tell myself the truth, you need to tell yourself the truth now. Commitment phobia has a funny way of disappearing in a man's future when you least expect it. More often than not, the problem is that the guy knows in his gut that you're not the girl, but he can't explain why and he doesn't want to upset you, or even talk about it. So he says nonsensical stuff when you push the conversation, and you poor ladies suffer the death of a thousand cuts, rather than getting your rejection all at once. I've seen it a million times.

 

So that's what I think is really going on here.

 

You probably never had commitmentphobia, just very picky.Its not that you met the right girl. It's time that changed you. You had a closed heart all those times with those other girls and you finally opened your heart and stopped worrying and accepted love without fear of rejection. This phobia does exist. I have a guy friend who has it and he tells me that the more he likes a girl and develops feelings, the more he gets scared and runs. He gets physical symptoms of anxiety like panic attacks. Its actually pretty scary: (

[2mehappiness]

Makemineamac - Thank you for your encouragement. I actually screen shot your posts into my phone as a constant act of reminder. Believe it or not, I was never a people pleaser until this relationship. This relationship was the last thing I felt like I had control in my life (career, direction in life etc) so I put in all my efforts and lost part of my identity because I wanted it to work so bad. I am taking it one day at a time and trying to focus on myself. The problem is I actually lack a real goal in life, so Im trying to refocus and find out where my passion lies. I find some days are tougher than other so I become hard on myself when I feel like I am moving backward instead of progressing. I do have a great counsellor so I am very grateful for that.

 

Walking - Day 12 of NC. He did try to contact me after the breakup, but his mixed messages only added to my confusion(b4 i read the books), so I pretty much told him to stop and have not heard from him since. I am not sure if he will ever contact me again. In one hand, I am happy because it is better for my mental state. I stopped having as much anxiety because I used to constantly check my phone in anticipation of his texts. On the other hand, I am sad because its an indication that he stopped caring.

 

I understand the difference between a true commitment phobe who gets anxiety vs the guy who cant commit because it's not the right girl. I thought I was the latter so i tried extra hard in this relationship because we had a great honeymoon stage. But he is a classic commitment phobe, but I just chose to ignore all the redflags. I guess I will know what not to look for in my next relationship when I am rdy.

[Sunshine2016]

You probably never had commitmentphobia, just very picky.Its not that you met the right girl. It's time that changed you. You had a closed heart all those times with those other girls and you finally opened your heart and stopped worrying and accepted love without fear of rejection. This phobia does exist. I have a guy friend who has it and he tells me that the more he likes a girl and develops feelings, the more he gets scared and runs. He gets physical symptoms of anxiety like panic attacks. Its actually pretty scary: (

 

 

 

Totally agree. People sometimes like to discount the concept of commitment phobia and assume that dumpees are really just using it as an ''excuse'' to make themselves feel better about the breakup, but reality is commitment phobia really does exist. There's a difference in a guy being picky/unwilling to commit at a particular point in time in their lives for whatever reason/having not found a suitable partner etc and a guy who has serious issues in committing himself fully (emotionally, physically and spiritually if you wish) to a woman. This pattern is demonstrated in pretty much all their relationships and some cases of commitment phobia are more severe than others.

 

And don't be mistaken, some commitment phobes may have relationships with a few women (some even go on to marry) but theirissues will inevitably re-surface and sabotage any relationship, until they accept that they have a problem and take active steps to address this problem which may involve therapy in some cases.

 

@OP, as you've read in the book, relationships with commitment phobes are toxic, frustrating and ultimately emotionally destructive. You deserve so much more than that. He cannot offer a fulfilling relationship and it will hurt a lot now, but not for too long. You will move on and find happiness again, even if you don't want to. Also note that Commitment phobes are unable to commit, but are also unable to stick to their decision not to commitment so I expect that he'll come round from time to time- don't be swayed or distracted by this.

 

*Hugs*

[mightycpa]

You probably never had commitmentphobia, just very picky.

I know I never had commitment phobia, that was my point. It was a slur that was leveled at me by frustrated women who could not accept that it was them, not me. Picky? Yes. Very picky? I tend towards no, but I'll concede MAYBE.

Its not that you met the right girl.

Bzzz...No. Definitely the right girl. Head and shoulders above the rest in ways that I had no idea about from the others; and I liked the others, but I could see there were fundamental differences that would cause problems in the future. I'm not saying that there's not more "right girls" out there somewhere, I'm an optimist about that, but there don't seem to be many, and I snagged the first one I could keep.

It's time that changed you.

That's true. I won't quarrel with that.

You had a closed heart all those times with those other girls and you finally opened your heart and stopped worrying and accepted love without fear of rejection.

Bzzzz... Again, no. I got dumped by someone I could have easily committed to, but she did not want me. The rest were simply not for me. Not everybody is going to match, and in my case, most don't match me in the long term, or at least, that is my experience in life so far. Interestingly, I think I encountered a significant number of what I would call commitmentphilials, that is, people who wanted a committed relationship so much that they didn't care too much about who they were committing to. In other words, they weren't picky at all, they just wanted this relationship seemingly almost as much as life itself, despite whatever difficulties and problems existed. Everything could simply be "worked through". That's not my philosophy at all. I think it shouldn't be that hard to like and get along with the love of your life. If it is, you're fooling yourself, and doing both parties quite a disservice. This is just as bad, in my opinion, truly horrible. Sometimes, the relationship is just way too much work, even if you feel like you love them. Sometimes it makes sense to cut bait regardless of your immediate feelings. The world is too big a place for most people to have to settle.

This phobia does exist. I have a guy friend who has it and he tells me that the more he likes a girl and develops feelings, the more he gets scared and runs. He gets physical symptoms of anxiety like panic attacks. Its actually pretty scary: (

Anybody with phobias is scary, in my opinion, because you don't really know how they will act when confronted by the thing they fear. Most phobias are learned behavior, are they not? In other words, there was an unreliable parent, or a loveless childhood or some ****ed up situation that pushed a person in that direction so much, that they developed this "flight response" as a coping mechanism. In effect, they are projecting somebody else's behavior onto everybody else. This is not very different than people who get cheated on, and then decide that they can't trust anybody else any more. They describe it differently, but in effect, it is the same thing... an unearned lack of trust, and being convinced that the worst is going to happen without any evidence that it will.

 

So, how do you spot this early? Intimacy, of course. You have to ask questions about the person's past. You have to take notice of the weird little things that don't seem right, and think them through to get to root cause. You have to dig deep, and examine the evidence and the excuses for behavior you don't like. I have to believe that a person that is truly like this can be spotted a mile away if you're paying real attention. Everybody has tells, and unless you're careless about the nature of the problems you encounter, or you gloss over real problems because your heart rules your head, and not the other way around, you're going to see clear signs that tell you of the need to bail early.

 

Of course, this advice comes from a picky chooser, maybe even a very picky chooser. All I can really tell you for sure is that it worked for me.

Edited November 18, 2015 by mightycpa

[BC1980]

All the women need to gather around and listen to mightycpa. There is no general commitment phobia. There is commitment phobia that is specific to you. Claiming a guy has commitment phobia is a way to make yourself feel better if he won't commit to you. You think he really loves you and wants to be with you, but he just can't communicate it. No true. A guy will commit if he wants to, and he knows his own mind.

 

If you persist in a relationship where the person won't commit, you need to look at yourself. I'd suggest reading "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" by Natalie Lue. The book explains everything about how people find themselves in these situations.