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I'm struggling letting go. Really struggling


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 2nd February 2015, 9:57 PM   #1
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I'm struggling letting go. Really struggling

We broke up two and a half months ago. Our relationship lasted two and a half months. I knew I'd be sad when it happened (I kind of knew the break up might be coming), but I never expected this much anguish over it. I'm so lost. I have so many questions and so much confusion.

I was in such a dark place when we met. I kind of looked at her like a gift from God. She was everything I wanted and everything I needed. She inspired me to change and see the greatness within me. Things were so magical for two months before things started changing. This wasn't some random occurrence in my life where I met someone, fell in love, then lost her. This seemed like something out of a movie. It's not like she wasn't really into me, she had really strong feelings and said and did things that had me feeling like this could grow into something truly special.

Her life got turned upside down about two months in (right before things started changing), she became overwhelmed with stress and frustration about her personal life. I did all I could to stick by her and help her, but she is prideful and independent so she didn't really want my help. The last night we were together she was really cold. I tried to find out what was wrong, it caused a fight. Two days later it ended. She said she didn't think we fit and that she couldn't let me in. I think we were a great match, but obviously it takes two people to feel the same way. It's almost like the things she adored about me that caused her to be so into me, are the same things that made her walk away. I'm so confused.

I've been doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. We haven't spoken a single word to each other since the breakup. I never even begged or pleaded, just wished her well. I don't check her social media, I've been hell bent on fixing my life and changing what needed to change. I feel like I've made significant improvements, but I'm still in a lot of pain. I just can't seem to let go of what could have been. All I do is think about her. I don't even have a single idea what she's been doing either.

This is much harder than I ever imagined it would have been. I thought for sure I'd be over it by now, and I don't feel like I'm any better at all. I have all those usual questions about what she thinks of me, does she care, will we ever talk again, etc. Questions that I know don't matter, but it doesn't stop me from constantly thinking about them.

I don't know what else to do. It just hasn't gotten any better even though I've been doing everything right. I'm a firm believer in whatever is meant to be, will be, yet all I can do is fantasize and wonder. I just want this all to end already.
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Old 4th February 2015, 8:35 AM   #2
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Hmm it's very difficult to let go. I felt the same way and I found a bit of relief when I opened up to female friends of mine. I took every advice and talked about my feelings with them (since women are more likely to understand a feeling than men) I felt really awkward for the first minutes and unmanly to be honest, but I felt better afterwards.

Maybe try to talk with yourself (I know sounds pretty crazy) but in my case it worked. Just my thoughts weren't enough to get it out. The only thing I did before was telling myself to man the f**k up and get over it. When I asked my heart how it felt I had a breakdown. Teared up and talked a lot about how I just want her back and how everything has turned to sh*t and after a hell of a long talk I found myself unable to cry anymore. I took a long bath just as my female friends advised me to do and I felt better. I thought about the past 3 years of the RS and even though I can honestly say there were very good times I too can say that she was very selfish in times I needed her. I did a few more things like making plans for the weekend and stuff even though I hate to go out atm.

If you have thoughts about her, like the typical "what-if's" then maybe you need to think them through instead of pushing it down. Just don't lose yourself in these thought's and stay honest to yourself. She is gone! Yes it is the worst feeling ever but no, you won't give up. Just because you're alone now doesn't mean that life isn't fun. I know for a fact that a single life can be very funny -> you just have to get out there. Don't try to drain everything in alcohol but do go out and have as much fun as possible. Meet new people and keep your mind buys while your heart heals. Try and surround you with friend and family, people that love you and truly care for you. If it helps you to get your ass up than think about her, she isn't staying at home and is frustrated. So why the F*ck should you? I know you just don't feel like it but call as many friends as possible and every time they suggest something: JUST SAY YES! even when you're not in the mood. You will see that after a time it won't be such a bother to go outside and meet up with friends. Fill up that hole in your heart with things you love. Get your ass up and think about things you like to do -> make a bucket list and then go and make it work. You are worth much more than you think and somewhere down the road you will find someone and this special someone will make you feel better then you ever thought. Just let you heart get whole again before trying to date someone. You will only compare them to your ex and hurt them. Stay positive and maintain NC. Heal up and get moving. Letting go is hard but it will be easier with time.

Stay Strong :-) We've all been there. Write again if you need anything :-)
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Old 4th February 2015, 8:46 AM   #3
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When women tell you they're having "personal problems", act cold, and then break up with you, it can mean one of one thing---Chad Wentworth. Chad W. is a cool fellow. OMG, he has so much going for him. And his chiseled jaw! Plus, he texted me last night. What do you think he means when he says "wassup?"? We have SOOO much in common.

Chin up, man. The three month mark is a major turning point for all relationships. Do I see this going somewhere? The introduction of CW decided that.

You don't need to work on you. You're a perfectly fine and caring guy with a lot to offer. Spend some time grieving this loss. Talk to people who care about you. Keep your strict NC(good for you, by the way). Heal. Move on.

One thing can be expected in life: change.
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Old 4th February 2015, 9:33 AM   #4
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Ehh, I don't think there was another guy in the picture. There might be now, but I don't think so then. She pretty much left her phone with me the entire last day we were together while she was doing random things. Didn't seem like she was hiding anything.

Either way, it doesn't really matter whether there was another guy or not. There will always be other guys around. Doesn't change the fact she didn't feel the same way about me anymore.
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Old 4th February 2015, 9:40 AM   #5
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It sounds like you're doing really great so far, and I'm sorry you aren't feeling better. Good job on not checking her social media. Even with not contacting my ex boyfriend, I checked his social media like an addict - I would go through withdrawals when I tried to not check it. Absolutely felt like a crazy person. Somehow in the past week or two, I've actually felt better on top of doing the right thing. It comes eventually, but it takes everyone different amounts of time.

The waiting is the hardest though. I started therapy after my break up and sort of dislike talking to a stranger, but my therapist recommended an app to help me along the way. It's called CBT, (cognitive behavioral therapy) and the one I use is called Moodkit. It tracks your mood day to day, and you set little goals for yourself to try to change your way of thinking about things. It has helped me quite a bit to let go of the anger and sadness that I still had, so maybe give something like that a try.
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Old 4th February 2015, 9:48 AM   #6
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Your view of her as a gift from God helping you get out the dark place you were in is what has you in this pickle now. You have to develop faith that you got yourself out of the dark place & that you are worthy. You said she made you believe. She may have shown you the way but you always had those qualities.


Focus on yourself & your self improvement, whatever form that takes.
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Old 4th February 2015, 10:02 AM   #7
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Ehh, I don't think there was another guy in the picture. There might be now, but I don't think so then. She pretty much left her phone with me the entire last day we were together while she was doing random things. Didn't seem like she was hiding anything.

Either way, it doesn't really matter whether there was another guy or not. There will always be other guys around. Doesn't change the fact she didn't feel the same way about me anymore.
Well, that's the other constant in the equation, you never believe there could be another guy. I'm almost a year NC and there are times when I still can't believe it. But I won't press the matter any further. I just think that if you see what really happened, it might help you take her off her pedestal.
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Old 4th February 2015, 10:27 AM   #8
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She definitely had a major impact on my turnaround. No doubt about it. It probably is what is keeping her on a pedestal in addition to the fact that I really, truly thought we could have been great together. I'm old enough to know what specifically I am looking for and she fit the mold pretty damn well.

And again, maybe there was another guy and maybe there wasn't. It doesn't matter to me now. It won't change how I feel about us and our potential. She has the right to pursue what she feels is best for her, and if it WAS another guy, then so be it.

The last night we were together really pains me too. I wish we could have ended on better terms. The breakup convo itself a few days later was fine, but there was a lot of anger and coldness that last night together, and it just bothers me. I'm a peaceful person and I wish it could be different. I wish a lot of things could be different.

Last edited by The Poster; 4th February 2015 at 10:30 AM..
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Old 4th February 2015, 10:38 AM   #9
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You're trapping yourself. Potential. You sound like a very reasonable, open, kind and mature person. You deserve that as well, don't you think?

If someone is being mean and cold to you unfairly, does that fit into being reasonable, open, kind and mature?

You don't understand why she was being this way. The reason is because she was angry at herself. She was ending something that had NO problems, for something else which looked more promising. She was lying and being deceptive about it. No one wants to take that course of action. It makes us feel bad, guilty, angry.

You were dealing with an emotionally immature person. See that and be done with talk of potential.
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Old 4th February 2015, 11:04 AM   #10
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The only thing I know for sure is that things changed when she lost her job and had no income to pay for school or her bills. That's when the stress and frustration came into play. That's when she started getting hot and cold and somewhat distant.

I called her out on it early on in the two week breakdown (in a caring way) and she said that she's never had anyone in her life like me and didn't know how to deal with it. She's so used to handling all of her own problems and doing things on her own and I was there trying to help out anyway I could. It's very possible I just overwhelmed her or tried too hard to help her. I don't know. Things just kept fading from there until she ended it by saying she didn't think we fit because while she's grateful for my concern, she doesn't want to be worried about.

There's a lot of questions I have for her, but what can I do? I have to just deal with not getting any answers, I suppose.

I've never experienced anything like this. Everything was so magical and then just ended so fast. And not a word has been spoken. Like it was all nothing.
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Old 4th February 2015, 11:45 AM   #11
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The Poster, I know how you feel. I just wanted to say that I'm going through something similar. It was a short-lived affair but so meaningful (to my surprise because I wasn't expecting it), and it ended before it truly began, and the ending sucked, and then the deafening silence that ensued nearly killed me. However, I'm slowly coming back to life, so there is hope.

I think the best thing is to allow yourself time to heal and not judge yourself for the lingering feelings. I, too, am amazed at how it all went to hell so quickly. It's not something you cannot just shake off, that's for sure.
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Old 4th February 2015, 11:55 AM   #12
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The Poster, I know how you feel. I just wanted to say that I'm going through something similar. It was a short-lived affair but so meaningful (to my surprise because I wasn't expecting it), and it ended before it truly began, and the ending sucked, and then the deafening silence that ensued nearly killed me. However, I'm slowly coming back to life, so there is hope.

I think the best thing is to allow yourself time to heal and not judge yourself for the lingering feelings. I, too, am amazed at how it all went to hell so quickly. It's not something you cannot just shake off, that's for sure.
Thank you. It's just a lot to digest and I'm struggling with it. I've never experienced anything like this before. We've been broken up now longer than our relationship lasted and I don't feel any better at all. I'm still confused and I'm still hurt. When it ended, I never thought I'd still be feeling this terribly this far down the line. It's a helpless feeling.

I think I'm more hurt by just the general silence of it all. We would spend hours and hours talking on the phone, getting to know each other, laughing and building this amazing relationship up, and now a not a single thing has been said since the break up itself. It's hard to handle. It just makes me feel like I meant nothing. I kind of thought I'd at least hear from her at some point, asking how I was doing, because she did care a lot about me. But nope, not a single word. I don't know. It hurts. I wish I had better closure. I wish I had more answers. I wish I could know that I meant SOMETHING to her.
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Old 4th February 2015, 12:26 PM   #13
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Thank you. It's just a lot to digest and I'm struggling with it. I've never experienced anything like this before. We've been broken up now longer than our relationship lasted and I don't feel any better at all. I'm still confused and I'm still hurt. When it ended, I never thought I'd still be feeling this terribly this far down the line. It's a helpless feeling.

I think I'm more hurt by just the general silence of it all. We would spend hours and hours talking on the phone, getting to know each other, laughing and building this amazing relationship up, and now a not a single thing has been said since the break up itself. It's hard to handle. It just makes me feel like I meant nothing. I kind of thought I'd at least hear from her at some point, asking how I was doing, because she did care a lot about me. But nope, not a single word. I don't know. It hurts. I wish I had better closure. I wish I had more answers. I wish I could know that I meant SOMETHING to her.
Pardon my error above, I meant it's not something you can shake off.

I know what you mean about feeling like you mean nothing given the silence, and expecting to hear something, yet time continues to pass without a word. It is sad how it's so final yet so lacking in terms of closure. I hear you, man. This is the first time I've been through such a weird scenario too. I have found myself questioning everything too.

I do think you meant something to her though if you spent copious amounts of time talking on the phone, etc. That doesn't just go away..that experience..and there's no way she's forgotten about you.

It's just for whatever reason, she wasn't ready for someone like you.

It is sad when the person consciously chooses not to be with you for reasons that don't quite make sense.

It's a mystery to me too.

I wish I knew the answers.

I do have faith they will come in time though.

I think this experience happened for a reason, and it's up for us to make sense of it.

Last edited by dyna85; 4th February 2015 at 12:30 PM..
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Old 4th February 2015, 12:39 PM   #14
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Pardon my error above, I meant it's not something you can shake off.

I know what you mean about feeling like you mean nothing given the silence, and expecting to hear something, yet time continues to pass without a word. It is sad how it's so final yet so lacking in terms of closure. I hear you, man. This is the first time I've been through such a weird scenario too. I have found myself questioning everything too.

I do think you meant something to her though if you spent copious amounts of time talking on the phone, etc. That doesn't just go away..that experience..and there's no way she's forgotten about you.

It's just for whatever reason, she wasn't ready for someone like you.

It is sad when the person consciously chooses not to be with you for reasons that don't quite make sense.

It's a mystery to me too.

I wish I knew the answers.

I do have faith they will come in time though.

I think this experience happened for a reason, and it's up for us to make sense of it.
So final yet so lacking in closure. Such a great way to put it.

Closure is a hard thing for me to get. I just wonder what she thinks of me. Why she gave up on something that could have been great. Just a lot of answers that I don't have. I do also have faith that an answer will come someday. I just hope it's someday soon, because it's hard to deal with.
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Old 4th February 2015, 1:21 PM   #15
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So final yet so lacking in closure. Such a great way to put it.

Closure is a hard thing for me to get. I just wonder what she thinks of me. Why she gave up on something that could have been great. Just a lot of answers that I don't have. I do also have faith that an answer will come someday. I just hope it's someday soon, because it's hard to deal with.
I know what you mean. I find that at times I do have moments of peace and clarity, yet there are times when it hits me hard, so I know the struggle.

You have come a long way though, and you know what they say--if you're going through hell, keep going.

The further I get into this nc process, I feel like I can live with this, if it's how it's meant to be. I mean, who are we to force fate? While they may not want us in their lives, there are plenty of others who would appreciate the love we have to give.
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