comethemorning Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 For the back story, please see http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255856/ No point in rehashing all the gory details again. Today, I have to take my 16 year old daughter to check out a residential program for abused girls, due to the abuse she suffered at the hands of her father. I fought so hard to get my child back from this ba*tard. I have only had her for 8 months. And now I am about to lose her again for a minimum of 13 months. And I am NOT handling it very well. It is bringing back all the feelings of hatred and despair. I have already put it off twice, but I can't keep doing it. She needs this in order to heal. My head knows, but my heart is breaking. I have been on the verge of tears all morning since it was confirmed today is the day. There is not enough Ativan in the world to calm me right now... It is bad enough that STBXH stole her childhood and her innocence. (but here come the selfish part...). He also stole my opportunity to be her mother. To experience with her first kisses, first dates, first loves, first heartbreaks. (he had kept her completely isolated - even from me). As well, he stole my history. All the memories of the last 17 years we were married, were a lie. I have to rewrite my story because the one I thought I was living, I wasn't. I am hanging on to the house by a thread. We had our own business, and that is gone as well. He cleaned me out financially before he was finally caught and arrested (he went on the run). More details come out all of the time. Just when I think I may be on the path to moving on, something else is revealed and kicks my a$$ right back down. As well, soon, I will have to start dealing with legal proceedings and face him. The last I laid eyes on him was Oct. 15/10 - the day of his sentencing. It is bad enough that he haunts my sleep. I still see his ghost everywhere, even hear his truck pull into the drive sometimes. I haven't even been able to sleep in my own bedroom since I found out. I have to sleep on the couch. And I still sit back and wonder to myself constantly if it is ever going to end. The ups and downs, the hatred and anger, the guilt. A mother's guilt for not protecting the most important thing. Again, the head knows that it was not my fault that I didn't know - these predators are very good at what they do. But my heart - oh my heart. I don't know how many pieces are left... Sorry for rambling and if this is a word salad. Thoughts and emotions are flying so fast I can't keep up right now. Just needed to vent... Peace. Link to post Share on other sites
D78 Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 comethemorning, You're very brave. You're keeping it together for your whole family. You're doing the right thing for your daughter, even though it hurts you. Only a saint would not hate that man. Good luck. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author comethemorning Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 D78, thank you so much for the words of encouragement . It is so ironic that we all say encouraging things, and can see the strength in others, and yet not be able to see it in ourselves (or follow our own advice...) Many days I just like to pretend that everything is 'normal'. But then along comes reality, and it is like going back to square one. Unlike most here, NC was forced upon us from the courts. So I have not had my chance (aside from my Victim Impact Statement) to get any closure. I have not had a chance to face X and say all of the things that I need to say. I know that I will never get a satisfactory answer from him (there isn't one), but I need to say all of the things in my head to him. I am afraid that until that happens, I will not be able to fully move on. Peace. Link to post Share on other sites
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