17 Anniversary Today

[comethemorning]

So today is my 17th Anniversary. Or it would be. If my X hadn't f*cked everything in our lives up beyond all human understanding. This is not an easy post to write, nor will it be an easy one for many to read. May be Triggering to some...

So, here is my story. It is long and may sound like word salad because everything is still very mixed up in my head...

Married to the same man for the last 17 years. Two wonderful kids. Girl (16), and boy (13). We were having some problems due to finances after the recession hit. We owned our own business, so our particular industry was hit pretty hard. But we still managed to get by. Just couldn't afford all those extras for a while. Come the beginning of this year though, he began to really change. Money I knew should be coming in, wasn't, and he was spending money on crazy things. In March I found out my daughter was doing drugs. I confronted her about it and expected that he would back me up. Turned out that HE was doing them too (I suspected, but couldn't confirm). I kicked his out the door, and he set himself up in our trailer out back (it was a 38ft 2 bedroom). My daughter decided to leave with him and live out there too. They spent the next 3 months out there partying continually. My daughter's friends were there all the time, she stopped going to school, and he stopped working and paying any and all bills. I tried numerous times to get my daughter back into the house, utilizing any services I could - OPP, school, Drs., you name it. Everyone told my that there was nothing I could do as he was her biological father, and she was 15. In April I had a complete nervous breakdown. I had my first drink in 16 years. Actually, I drank an entire 26er of whiskey in an hour. My X called an ambulance and the OPP to try to have me committed (he wanted the house). Unfortunately for him, he made the mistake of calling my mother first, and she took custody of me til the next morning. He (my X) then used this one episode to paint me around town and with the schools as 'crazy' and unfit. Apparently he was telling everyone that I was schizophrenic and refusing to take my meds. This is why whenever I would call the OPP on him, they took his word over mine. Fast forward to May. One day after they left, I went into the trailer. I found the video camera charging, so of course, I took it. I also took pictures of the drugs and paraphernalia. I made copies of the video, which showed my daughter and her friends smoking lots of dope and drinking, all provided by her father. Finally come the Friday of the long weekend (May 24 here in Canada), I had my father take the video to the OPP (coz I knew that they would never believe me, as they had yet to). I got a call to go to the Detachment. Apparently, they had been looking at X for drugs for quite awhile. We made arrangement to have him busted that night. (yes, I was desperate - nothing else had worked to get my daughter back into the house). That evening, when I knew that they were coming, I brought her into the house and kept her there so she wouldn't know what was happening. Over 20 officers surrounded my property (I have 2 acres), and caught him. My daughters friends were still out there, but as I had also tried to warn their parents (to no avail) they were no longer my concern. My daughter was. Needless to say, he was arrested and charged with trafficking, and supplying to minors. The next day upon his release, he came back here to get his stuff. Unbeknownst to me, there was a no contact order, which he broke. So when the officers called to ask if I had talked to him, I said yes. He was arrested again and this time held and released on bail to his mother 70kms away. I had my daughter back safe finally, but the real hell was just about to begin...

The more I heard about the **** they were doing out there, the more pissed off I became. One day I finally told my daughter that there was no way in hell that I was going to let him back into the house. She then told me that he had been physically beating her. (the night she came in when he was arrested, I saw bruises I knew where hand marks and questioned her. She led me to believe that it was this guy she had been dating). Needless to say, the next day I took her to our OPP detachment to report X for child abuse. During her interview, it came out that not only was he beating her, he was and had been Sexually Assaulting her. It began when she was 3, and continued up to the day of his arrest. He began raping her at 12. When the officer came out to tell me, he said it is the worst case that they had ever heard. Ever. To say my entire world fell apart, is an understatement. The beatings were to keep her from telling. He had filled her with so many lies about me that her and I were alienated from each other. He never left her, nor allowed her to be alone with me. Apparently, the more I fought to get her, the more he beat her, so she avoided me. I chalked it up at the time to teenage mom and daughter stuff. When the OPP went to run him to arrest him for the new charges, they found that he was on the run. My kids and I had to leave our house until they caught him. I found out where he was and turned him in. The day before my daughter's 16 birthday, they found him and arrested him. This time thank God, he didn't make bail. But in the mean time, he had cleaned out the bank accounts, leaving me with $.76. Seriously. But we were safe. This is when my daughter began to disclose some of the things he had done to her. My God, anything and everything you can imagine. My heart still breaks. Maybe another time I can discuss, but not yet.

Fast forward to October. I was never permitted to go to any of the court proceedings, because they were afraid of what I would do. On Oct.5 we finally were going to pre-trial, and that was the first time I was allowed to go. When he walked into the courtroom, apparently I began laughing, and started to head to the prisoners box. My best friend was there and held onto me for dear life (I have no real memory of that day - it was the first time I had laid eyes on him since his arrest in May). I had a complete meltdown. Court was adjourned until the following Friday - Oct 15. at which point I was told that they had reached a plea, and he would be sentenced. My daughter and I went again that day, as well as my son. We (my daughter and I) read our Victim Impact Statements. This time, no meltdown. Only the arms of God held me up that day, of this I am sure. In the end, he plead guilty to all 23 charges (yes, you read that right - 23). He was given 6 years. (which as my fellow Canadians will know, is pretty damn good and completely unheard of for only 1 victim and as a plea). We all expected him to only get maybe 2-3 years. (Canada REALLY sucks when it comes to SA crimes). All I asked for was at least 6 years, so to get both my kids to 18. I got it. He is in Millhaven Pen, the worst of the worst Pens for now.

So, here I am today, at what should have been a celebration, facing the fact that that day, I married a vile/evil/monster. That this man I pledged my life to, stayed faithful to, gave up my dreams to follow his, was all the time leading a double life. The man I entrusted my children to, destroyed them in ways that I can only pray may be healed. It's been 6 months, and we are worse today, than the day we found out. More comes out all the time and I am a complete wreck. I am trying so hard to keep this family together, but I am falling apart a little more each day. I knew today was going to be hard, but damn. The pain is chest crushing.

Sorry for the length, and thank you if you have managed to read it this far. Maybe now that I have actually 'said it out loud', I can continue. And begin to heal.

Edited December 3, 2010 by comethemorning
hit enter button instead of tab oops.

[goingstrong]

Wow. Sorry to you and your daughter for having to live through that. God watches all, and your ex has sinned a great sin and will get his just due....in this life or the next.

[Surfer203]

Wow, is all I have to say. I wish you strength to get through this.

[Gunny376]

Not to be-little but its a litte hard reading your post unless you use the <enter> key and include some paragraphs breaks ~ if nothing else break them up into one or two word sentences ~ otherwise you'll make us all go blind trying to read your posts!

 

With that said and done! Quit beating yourself up! You're not to blame and your did what you had to do!

 

I know it a long and hard row to hoe (That's a Southen expression from down here in the Deep South of Alabama ~ meaning its long and hard thing to do!) ~ but you had to do what you had to do for your 'babies'

 

I freaking HATE child molestors and rapists!

 

And I PITY the fool who molestest one of my children or grandchildren!

 

They would need to turn themselves into the law ~ not because they broke the law!

 

BUT BECAUSE THEY WOULD NEED POLICE PROTECTION?

 

FROM ME!!!! :mad:

 

I didn't find out until he was dead and gone ~ but my own Dad was a sex addictic and child molestor ~ who molested who I thought was my full-blooded sister? Since she was two years old?

 

"I've no problem killing what needs killing!" ~ John Wayne

[tobydog]

Oh I am so sad for you and sorry. I send you all good thoughts and love and wishes to help you thro this. xx

[GorillaTheater]

This is gut-wrenching. I feel so badly for you and especially for your daughter. Reading your story, I guessed where it was going, but not that it was going to be that horrific. How do you trust people after that, after placing all of your trust in a person who turns out to be such a monster? How do you and your family possibly get past the carnage? I don't know. Maybe the same way we get past/through any disaster: one day at a time. Maybe one moment at a time.

 

I'm so sorry. Blessings on you and your children.