Finally found out the truth.

[chad]

well fellow LS members... some of you might remember me posting that my fiancee of 5 years had kicked me out, stating because i played a game too much. we have 3 children between us, 1 is mine from a previous ex-wife, and 2 are hers (their father is dead) and all they have ever known is me as a dad.

 

well i found out yesterday, that she has been seeing someone else.. a guy who works at a turkey gutting place.. (czech over in the uk for 6 months on a work permit) this guy lives in a caravan with 10 other czechs... ) so basically thats what i have been traded in for.

 

Ironically, up until yesterday she denied anything, swore on her kids lifes that she wasnt seeing anyone. in fact, i had it in mind months ago that she was (before we broke up) because of the way she was acting (always out, gym, getting dressed up, loads of perfume, hiding her phone on her all the time, even going to the bath/shower with her phone) i confronted her about it many times, and everytime she denied anything was going on with anyone. hell i even heard rumours in our town she was seeing a czech guy. amazingly enough her own son, told my son at school, what was going on. thats how i finally found out.

 

i confronted her about it yesterday, and she immediatley denied it, until i carried on, and then she admitted it, but swore that it had been only going on for the last 2 weeks. 2 weeks? her son told me, that this guy has been staying over in her house, she has introduced him to her kids (they dont like him at all), does that make any sense? 2 weeks?

 

i feel so sick... this woman took 5 years of my life, now she has some gypsy immigrant sleeping with her, in our bed, in our home, and playing with the kids.. (whom i look upon as my own kids, as i am all they have ever known for a father)

 

while she was at the door, and admitted it, i directly went to her car, reversed it into a parking space, took the key out, and started chucking all her **** out onto the path, i told her to come over here and get her crap out of it, which she did (i brought her the car, as we were going to have another child) and i dont think she should keep the car, as it was brought for that purpose.

 

its worse than that... before i got with this woman, my ex-wife did the dirty on me as well, she cheated, and i got kicked out, and left with nothing. my ex-fiancee (now) knew everything about me when we first got together, how i had been treated - everything. and she swore that she would never hurt me like that.

 

and here we are 5 years later, and she has done the same thing. i know we have been seperated for 3 months now, but she has been regulary coming down and seeing me, `being friends` and i have been foolishing trying everything i can to try and win this woman back.

 

before i got with this girl, everyone i knew told me to keep clear of her, because of her past (cheating on people etc) and i ignored them, took her at face value, and argued and defended her till the last.

 

she has made a total fool out of me in front of everyone i know. and i feel so sick, ashamed, and hurt for what she has done to me.

 

i can never forgive her in a million years for what she has done. i had one of her kids over mine yesterday, and he was crying his eyes out at what she has done.

 

she once said, if it never works out between me and you, im done with guys, never again will i introduce my children to a man.

 

why do women lie so much?

 

she insists that she has only been seeing him for 2 weeks, but her behaviour over the last few months (since march) has told me different. i cannot believe anything she says ever again.

 

problem is now, is i still want to carry on being able to see her 2 children, as i love them to bits, and consider them my own. how do i approach this? i know she is going to be using that as a leverage tool against me.

 

tonight i am going around my apartment, getting everything that she has ever brought me, cards, teddies, watch, etc etc and putting it all in a box, along with a letter and leaving it on her doorstep.

 

im not entirely sold on the letter, but i would like to tell her exactly what she has done to me, and her actions will have affected the children greatly.

 

does anyone offer any advice for me? right now, i feel absolutley sick. i never slept at all last night. i know we have been seperated for 3 months, (i moved back to my apartment) but we have been close since then. and there is a lot of history between us, (we were going to get married, and have another child) how can a woman change so much? am i doing something fundementally wrong to being treated like a bit of crap on the floor by women?

[Winger]

Your situation is a tough one. And there is probably not much that anybody can say that will help you feel better this instant. There are no quick fixes to these situations. But look at it this way - you have been through this before and you moved on and found somebody else. You will do the same again for this woman. You will grieve, and then you will meet somebody who deserves you. You have every right to feel betrayed...but don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. You are not a fool for trusting someone. In fact, be proud of yourself that you can put your trust into someone. The fact that your previous partners have abused your trust does not mean that the next person will. If anything, your ex is the one who should feel shameful and foolish. Not you. Good luck, keep your head up and don't let this consume you. Go out for a drive - be with friends that you are comfortable with - family. You'll get through this.

[JaneInVegas]

am i doing something fundementally wrong to being treated like a bit of crap on the floor by women?

 

Sorry you've been hurt so bad. First of all, you're just going to have to get over her. Easier said then done, I know, but obviously there is too much bad blood to try to work things out. I know you love her kids, but you're going to have to bite the bullet and let them go, too. Trying to keep them in your life is only going to make things harder for them, also for yourself.

 

You're not doing anything wrong to cause these problems with relationships. You've just had bad luck with them, just like I have, and most everyone else.

 

I hope the best for you.

[RecordProducer]

It happens sometimes - we get disappointed in people, we feel miserable, and down, but you shouldn't lose faith in love. This will go away; you'll get over.

 

I believe you can ask her to see the children as it's also better for them to see the only father they know at least a few times a month.

 

You're lucky you didn't marry her so look at it from the bright side. I wouldn't give her back all the presents though. It's a very ugly gesture and only speaks bad about you. You're proving nothing by that.

 

But I've seen even worse - my ex-husband wanted ME to give him the things he gave me back (cell phone, manicure stuff, even money) and we have two children!

[chad]

its gotten even worse..... one of her sons, told my son at school yesterday, that he isnt allowed to come over, or see me ever again... he was crying his eyes out this is so upsetting for me. why is she being so cruel?

[pippen_2k]

Damn Chad, sorry this has happened twice to you. These women you have been seeing are RUTHLESS!

 

Its gonna be alot easier for you to forget about her im sure as she has betrayed and lied to you, but the kids are prolly gonna be the hardest.

 

I know you love em like your own but theres nothing you can do about them now that she has gone. You are gonna have to cut your ties from them.

 

Good luck in the following weeks and I hope you handle this situation ok.

 

Oh and btw.. if she comes crawling back sometime soon please dont take her back, her trust is worth NOTHING!

[soft heart]

Excuse me!!! I am a Czech person who has been living in UK for the last 8 years. I am highly educated and I have a good job!! As much as I feel for you, you should not call a Czech person a gypsy immigrant! That's such an ignorant thing to say!!!!!

[chad]

sorry. i never meant to cause any offence, i never thought at the time, as you can imagine, im quite angry, you could replace those words with any nationality, and any insult.

 

really sorry to cause any offence, was totally not intended.

 

i would edit it, but i dont know how to.

[RecordProducer]

you should not call a Czech person a gypsy immigrant!

 

I agree, but he didn't call a Czech person a gypsy immigrant. He actually called him gypsy because he lives in a caravan with 10 other people and works on a work permit (obviously not as a cardio-surgeon).

 

Now you are an immigrant and he is a "gypsy" immigrant. He could have been Chinese or Brazillian or Irish, he would have called him the same way. Actually his nationality was only mentioned as information earlier in the text, not as a pejorative describtion. He said: "now she has some gypsy immigrant sleeping with her." There are all kinds and classes of Czecks, you shouldn't take offense for the whole population.

[Topper]

Don't get down on yourself. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your lucky that you have only 5 years into this relationship and not more. On the other hand if you were married you may have had some legal rights to keep seeing her Kids. Since her kids and your son are friends whats to keep you from going to see their Rugby game or Soccer match or whatever? They need a stable adult father figure in their lives. One way or another I would keep seeing them. They need to know that they are loved and wanted.

[RecordProducer]

On the other hand if you were married you may have had some legal rights to keep seeing her Kids.

 

A step-parent cannot claim legal rights to see the children. Only parents have this right. All other parties depend on the approval of parents.

 

In my country's legal system even grand-parents and siblings can't obtain a legal confirmation that states they have a right to see the children. Everything depends on the parents/guardians.

[chad]

its all very frustrating, i want to thank you all for your helpful replies, i think i am begining to get better? as up until sunday i was spending my whole time trying to get her back, now i realise this is a pointless excersize as she is with someone else now. not being able to see the kids, is like a stake thru my heart.

 

its time for me to move on, treasure the good times, and put my energy into myself and my own son, and make sure we are both happy!

 

i think its gonna be a long time before i venture into the realms of dating again tho. Unfortunatley at this point in my life, i no longer feel i could trust a woman again.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Unfortunatley at this point in my life, i no longer feel i could trust a woman again.

 

That's understandable. I came to that point too. Healing this takes time.

 

One way you can speed the process is platonic contact with women who are loyal, faithful, consistent and keep their word. This will help rebuild your capacity for trust. Don't go back into dating until this capacity is returning - you will only hurt yourself and other women.

[RecordProducer]

For like two years after my ex-husband left me with two babies, I was honestly and completely convinced that all men were jerks. I didn't want to have anything to do with anyone anymore. But then it slowly changed to the point where I realized that ALL MEN suck except my new BF.

[chad]

i can assure you that we dont ALL suck there are some good guys left out there... unfortunatley, we seem to always miss out on the good women! and end up with people that hurt us! strange eh...

[RecordProducer]

i can assure you that we dont ALL suck there are some good guys left out there... unfortunatley, we seem to always miss out on the good women! and end up with people that hurt us! strange eh...

 

Hahah! I was just kidding. My point was: even when you are completely disappointed, you should have faith that you will find the right one... because you need only one person.

 

I know you don't all suck.

[chad]

currently in my chapter of my life, the last thing on my mind is meeting another woman. i am concentrating instead on my son and i. (single parent) it has been quite an ordeal for him, and he is still bringing up my ex-s name, and asking me why this has happened. (also unfortunatley comparing me to her ie... well she used to do this, and she used to do that etc... )

 

i hope somewhere sometime, she figures out exactly what she did not just to me, but to the 3 kids involved as well... completely ripped apart.

[RecordProducer]

Chad, where is the mother of your son... if I may ask?

[chad]

she lives nearby, not long moved back to the area. he does see her every other weekend tho.

[RecordProducer]

What kind of mother is a one that sees her child every other weekend? How old is your son? I miss my kids if we are apart for more than a day or two.

[chad]

thats another long story all in its own right.. very bad breakup, she cheated on me, kicked me out, and i lost basically everything, job, house, car etc... ended up going into a homeless shelter. she then proceeded to move herself and my son down to london (quite a distance!) there he played up, wouldnt eat, wouldnt sleep, swore at her, hit her etc etc etc etc etc.... in the end she said she couldnt cope any longer, and he came to live with me, (he is 11 years old now) and been living with me for the last 6 years.

 

she was a different person back then, thesedays she is more like she used to be when we were together, very attentive to him, caring, loving, and yes, she likes to see him a lot more than she used to.

 

but he has always been a daddys boy (thankfully - without him, im not sure i could have coped with everything then, or now!) he is my reason for getting myself up that ladder again.

[RecordProducer]

I wish there were many more guys like you in this world. So how did your son accept your ex-fiancee? Boys usually accept parents' new partners easier than girls, although it's not a rule, of course.

[chad]

actually he accepted her very easily in the begining, but as time passed, things got harder, she was always saying he has been naughty, he was always saying she is lying. was a very difficult situation to be in, i think it ended up, with her not liking him at all, and him not liking her at all, however, when it all changed, and me and him moved back to my apartment, thats when he realised how much she done for him, and how much she meant to him, he is still going on about her now, and i find it very distressing. its not very nice to be compared by your own child to the other woman.

 

I have of course gone back to basics, and am back to catering to his every need, its seems like nothing i do is good enough these days, and he wants my ex back

 

im sure time will pass, and he will forget about her, however i am having really bad pains about how much i miss her 2 boys... i really am... i cannot tell you how much i love them, because i dunno.... i feel the same love for them as i do for my own flesh and blood. i guess that makes me feel guilty in a little way that i can feel so much about them compared to my own son.

 

thesedays i just thank god that he has stuck with me through thick and thin, and let me show him what a great dad i can be.

[RecordProducer]

Very interesting! My 7-year old twin boys adore my BF of one year who lives in the US and he says he loves them very much and really acts like he does. I hope to marry him and one of my concerns related to having another child with him was that when he gets his first child, he will realize that the love he feels for my kids is not so strong. So naturally those feelings would have an impact on all of us. But now you got me thinking that he can love them all equally.

 

Perhaps you should let her know that your son misses her and you miss and love hers so much. She can't be such a monster to ignore that. It would make my heart melt. I could never hurt my man if he loves my children unless he is a total jerk to me, but how can someone who loves your kids not love you?

[chad]

ive done all that... told her about how he is feeling, she seems to have cut off all caring/feeling for either of us. she knows how much i treasure her 2 boys, i virtually begged to be able to continue seeing them. and just got the reply that they are never allowed to see me, come down, or speak to me again.

 

anyone would think that im some kind of monster. when all i did at the end of the day, is let down my barriers that were put up after my ex-wife, and fell in love again.

 

so ironic that i end up getting walked over again. it hurts a lot this time, because of the boys. although in myself, i am still in the angry and hurting inside stage if i accidentally think of her for some reason.... like last night... i was doing the washing up, took the bowl out of the sink, and put bleach in the sink, to clean it. might sound daft, but she absolutley loved the smell of bleach, and was always going on about it, and this got me thinking of her again.

 

i think at the end of the day, if the relationship was just me and her, and no children, i would have handled this so much better.