Finding Peace in a War Zone?

[bluecastle]

Six weeks ago I ended a relationship of three years and have been consumed with doubts ever since. Curious to hear some unbiased thoughts.

 

I’m 38, she’s 26. The sweet version of the story goes: we met on Tinder, met up Tindery expectations, only to discover that (age difference be damned) we couldn’t imagine having a better time with anyone else.

 

The more complicated version goes: she developed serious feelings faster, I remained a noncommittal male for far longer than she deserved, and we never found a way to snuff out this tension and imbalance (all magnified by the age difference) even as a very real and deep love developed between us.

 

Suffice to say the center couldn’t hold. From the beginning, she was often insecure and jealous, lashing out over texts when I was away on work. And I too often played the role as the one who had “figured it out” instead of making her see how much I loved figuring out life alongside her. I did this, of course, because I have my own insecurities that I'm sorting through. So there was a bit of the student/teacher vibe—fun early, but something we both outgrew but couldn’t figure out how to outgrow together.

 

The last six months were a challenge. She voiced concerns about my level of commitment. She was also going through stuff personally—hated her job, was getting seriously depressed. She couldn’t hear me (or feel me) when I told her how much I loved her, how much I saw us as partners. She became distant and I became needy—an inverse of our early days. She hated having to talk about things; more often than not, she just got tired and cried, which made me panic and go deeper into let's-figure-it-out-NOW mode. She pushed, I pulled.

 

Recognizing I was losing too much of my own core in this cycle, I finally said, “Hey, I see a future with us so what we’re working through feels manageable, even exciting. But I can’t be the only one. What do you want?” I’d hoped that being reminded that there were real stakes here, she’d kind of come around. But she just got quiet and said, “I don’t know, I don’t know.” I got stoic and said it was over.

 

We needed to break up, that I don’t question. Too much pressure, no way to release it inside the relationship. I can’t speak for her, but it’s given me time to sit with myself, to go to therapy, to begin addressing a lot of my own issues head on, to see the ways in which I failed to fully see and hear her. I’m not wallowing—I’m working, traveling, engaging with friends, finding joy, working on becoming a better man and person.

 

Still, it’s just not sitting right with me. When I think about my future, she’s part of it—we’re a team, taking on the world together, side by side.

 

Does she feel this way? That’s the question. While I tried to go NC, she’s reached out a lot with mixed messages. The day after the break she told me she felt “relieved,” but hated herself for feeling that way. She was just out of steam, exhausted. At the same time she told me she hoped “with all my heart that my love for you will give me the strength and clarity I lack right now.” She texted asking if we could still exchange birthday gifts. I told her that, sadly, a gift from her would only remind me of what I was struggling to accept: that the woman I want to be with has lost faith in the relationship. “That’s not how I feel,” she said, but didn’t say anything more. I didn't push, because we'd reached this point (I felt) because she was too tired to engage when we were together.

 

Later, the texts turned kind of mean, and when I asked her why she was so angry, she said, “Because I can’t feel what I want to feel and because we’re not in each other’s lives anyore.” Being hurt myself—I kind of felt like I had to break up with me for her—I got angry and stern, basically saying you don't get the relief of my attention and the relief of not being with me.

 

I haven’t heard from her in about 2 weeks, and am currently out of the country for another 2 to clear my head. It’s been nice, feeling more secure again. And I really hope she's getting what she needs, whatever that may be. Time to herself, time to experience life outside of my shadow, to tap into her inner strength, which is always something I loved about her (but something she told me she didn't always see herself). She has a new job that she loves, and from what I know is developing better relationships with friends (something she'd neglected when we were together). She's also in therapy.

 

Part of me thinks maybe she’s just super confused—about me, about herself, about life—and is reaching out on impulse; she wants me for emotional support but is over me romantically. Another part fears she still sees me as some stoic guy who doesn't really care. When I told her how hurt I was a few weeks ago, she brushed it off: "Well, you seem fine as always." And: "You're better off and you know it." I don't know where that comes from, given that I'd spent months and months telling her that she was all I wanted. I'm not fine, losing her is crushing, yet it's like we both feel we got dumped and are waiting for the other to step up.

 

At the end of the day, I just can’t shake the idea that there’s still another chapter for us, feel the world is brighter when I can share it with her, and believe that if we could address some issues as things cool off we can see a clear path together. So I'm wondering if there's something I can or should be doing that I'm not to let her know that my heart remains open to her, and how sorry I am for any moment when I failed to make her feel seen and heard.

 

Thoughts? Happy to answer any questions.

[marky00]

Actually u pushed, she pulled.

 

 

I went through something similar.

 

 

The way I see it, unfortunately, her feelings for the relationship have diminished to a point that make it not sustainable. It can't be reversed or fixed.

 

 

It's the crappiest thing bout LTRs. When 2 people are both seeing flaws in the relationship and its an equal balance. One person's reaction to this is to slowly detach while the other's is to try to fix things. The reality is that had the person not detached, then the other wouldn't have started acting clingy. It's a flaw in the human psyche and is what causes so many relationships to fail. What's even crazier is had a few factors been a little different, the roles could have been reversed. Luck, timing, personal issues in someone's lives all end up deciding who gets what role as the relationship starts to fail.

 

 

Right now, you should absolutely maintain NC. The cycle will never end if you stay in contact. You need to get it to a point where she stops "trying" to feel something for the relationship that she simply cannot.

 

 

In a few years, when she is healed and stops feeling guilty, there's a very small chance you might re-connect but don't count on it.

[bluecastle]

Thanks for the advice. I should say that for most of the relationship it was me pushing and her pulling—and then, yes, toward the end it flipped. Still, even toward the end she was telling me she saw me in her future and wrote a long letter about where she was at: depression, self-hatred, growing pains, wanting to find her own footing as an individual—BUT totally certain that she wanted to be together. Problem was, by then I was so torqued with stress that I couldn't totally process it and FEEL it. With a bit of space, I can, and I guess I wonder if she still has those feelings. We're talking just a few weeks ago.

[marky00]

being technical here.

 

 

Pulling is done by the one less invested in the relationship. When someone dumps you, they pulled 100 per cent

 

 

Pushing is done by the one more invested in the relationship. When a dumpee gets clingy and tries to save a relationship, that is pushing.

 

 

I think you have the meanings mixed up.

[bluecastle]

I meant I was the one pushing her away—keeping her, and the relationship, at arms's length as she was the clingy one trying to pull me in. I worried about the age difference, I had **** I was working through, etc. It took me a while to fully "come around," as they say, and she has plenty of resentment about that first year that she'd suppressed for a while.

 

It's when it started to bubble to the surface that we started talking about things, trying to repair the dynamic, and we had plenty of success. But she was going through a lot (loss of job, depression, classic existential stuff in your mid-20s) and as patient as I tried to be her distance just left me frayed. After all, I was going through my own **** too.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that, while technically the dumper, I feel a whole lot more like the dumpee. I think we both kind of do, in ways, which is why this period is so confusing to me.

[Chilli]

Get the impression you were way too complicated and too much over talk for her it got too much, especially with her depression and other things going on and you being older she was feeling like confused little girl, it all got too much.

 

l think things needed to be simpler on all that, less talk and crap and more just you guys gong along and enjoying yourselves.

 

As far as the non committal male thing, no such thing in most cases, but we ain't stoopid , if there's problems we hesitate , simple. lf everythings where it should be and the feelings are right suddenly we actually wanna go for it.

 

dunno about the future but right now she really needs time totally away from you two to clear her head and get perspective.first of all. My guess is she probably won't wanna try again then later but that'll just mean your so call non committal gut feelings nagging you were right.

Don't think you've really got much choice but to maybe leave her be for 6mths first of all. And if you do talk between keep it light and stay off relationship stuff.

Edited October 30, 2017 by Chilli

[bluecastle]

Thanks, Chilli. At the end of the day, I tried meeting her where she said she was: wanting to check in, wanting more, etc. I really did want all that, and it was nice to express it, even if she didn't actually want it. She needs her time and space to be young, now she has it, and I guess I'll just ignore her reaching out.

[bluecastle]

It's hard not to feel a bit duped, since she was the one who upped the ante/made things complicated. But she was going through a lot. Oh well—moral of the story is age differences are real. I got bit, but learned a lot.

[bluecastle]

I've posted in here before, so I'm not going to rehash the details of my relationship and breakup.

 

In the past week I learned that my ex had been unfaithful to me a few months ago—that it was after this that she first voiced concerns about my commitment level, but also (I now understand) felt incredibly guilty when I "stepped up" and couldn't quite step in herself.

 

It is a complicated saga. She has real depression and self-esteem issues that she is just starting to reckon with with a professional, but suffice to say that this "affair" was along the lines of the Harvey Weinstein variety. She was taken advantage of by a real predator. As much as it hurts me, I feel equally terrible about what happened to her.

 

The news hurt (though I had suspected something the entire time). Thing is, over the past year (before all this went down) she had become incredibly resentful of me for being distant during our first year. It was like a light went on, and she retroactively was furious. I made the mistake of minimizing this pain/resentment, something along the lines of: yeah, I wasn't ready, but, hey, I came around. It didn't help that she was voicing this resentment only after the affair and when things between us were really sliding in a weird way.

 

Thing is, 5 months into our relationship I slept with my ex. It was dumb mistake. I was weak and confused and still hung up on a dumb story. I'd always felt guilty about this—like, majorly—but kind of rationalized it because it was the moment I let go of my past and focused on what was in front of me. After that, I became a decent boyfriend. I love this woman to pieces, and really made a go of it.

 

Anyhow, when I learned what she had done (there was another guy too) I opted to tell her that I had been unfaithful early instead of haranguing her. She had reached out to me a few days earlier about talking about a reconciliation, and I just wanted all cards on the table. We'd never been able to be fully open in the relationship, and as such (I see now) we never fully trusted.

 

The talks we've had have been HARD. But they have also been so good, so real, opening up some real warmth between us. One ended with a kiss. Needless to say, I'm thrown.

 

I'm 38, very ready for a relationship after many years of cursory loves and plenty of shenanigans. I want that relationship to be with her, and the work required excites more than it intimidates. She, however, is 26, and maybe at a point where she wants a little levity and freedom to explore.

 

I don't know. My question to you all is: Am I crazy to think this could be the foundation for Relationship 2.0? If not, how do I proceed?

 

We are talking about the possibility, but I've gotten pretty protective and don't want to extend my heartache. That said, I really believe she is my person, and maybe it took us dropping a few nukes to level the field so we can move forward.

 

Thoughts?

[Been]

Hell no. She cheated on you with MULTIPLE men? And you cheated on her. Not exactly healthy. One of you will not be able to get past it.

[bluecastle]

It's a lot, I know. I'm in no rush to really answer this. We lacked trust in the relationship, on both sides in different ways, and having this all out there has allowed a strange modicum of trust and respect to form. Maybe it's just a moment we take into our heads and hearts as we move forward, and apply it to what's down the road. But who knows?

[d0nnivain]

Both of you had such poor / non-existent boundaries in your interactions the first time, I have real reservations about your ability to remain faithful to each other this time. I suspect she is more needy then you understand & even with your renewed interest in making this work, you are never going to be able to be the 24/7 BF she claims to need. She doesn't have the make up for a healthy relationship because she is looking externally to the relationship to fill some void in her. That is why she complained you didn't pay enough attention to her.

 

These predators as you describe Weinstein & the guy you claim took advantage of your EX all have one thing in common: they can smell a victim from a mile away. I'm telling you there is something below the surface that indicates your GF is broken in ways you don't understand & can't fix.

 

If you try relationship 2.0 -- which I know you will -- I doubt it will end well. I'm not even sure she wants that. I wish you the best but do yourself a favor & prepare for the worst.

[bluecastle]

Everything you say resonates. I'm curious what do you mean when you say she is more ready than I understand? Because my question right now is whether she is actually ready to be in a relationship, with me or anyone.

 

When I met her I knew I wanted real partnership. The trouble was I was still hung up on a bs story about my ex, and acted on it in a bs way when we were still in the very early stages of connecting. I immediately knew it was stupid, and proceeded to be the committed bf she wanted and deserved.

 

I am ready to be that now, and am in therapy to make sure I keep my own damage in check. The hard part for me is knowing where she is. We're kind of feeling it out very, very slowly, but of course I'm worried about the worst and half thinking that worry is enough to act on.

 

That said, it feels like a disservice to my higher self to force my heart to close when it remains naturally open. So I'm trying to hold that space and let it guide me. Not an easy thing, this level of vulnerability.

[bluecastle]

Oh, I'm sorry. You said more "needy" not "ready." How Freudian of me. And you're right: I always feared that I was her "everything," and voiced this a lot throughout the relationship. Whereas I have an established career, she was really still getting on her feet and my foundation became a kind of sub for her fledgling one.

 

Some things have changed. She has a job she loves, has been cultivating friends and a community. But, yes, believe me when I understand that she is more broken than I realized, and I know it's maybe absurd to assume those cracks can be mended in weeks and months, if ever.

[marky00]

Thing is, 5 months into our relationship I slept with my ex. It was dumb mistake. I was weak and confused and still hung up on a dumb story. I'd always felt guilty about this—like, majorly—but kind of rationalized it because it was the moment I let go of my past and focused on what was in front of me. After that, I became a decent boyfriend. I love this woman to pieces, and really made a go of it.

 

As bad as it sounds, I kind of get where your going with that.

 

My ex that brought me to LS a couple of years ago has been bread crumbing me this whole year which I have ignored each time. Meanwhile, I've been trying to make go of a new relationship. The new thing is long distance but we will be meeting up soon after chatting for a few months.

 

It sucks because I know its wrong to even think about an Ex when your in another relationship but it's not something you can remove from your head entirely. Your past is a big part of you but you kind of have to pretend stuff didn't happen because the new partner definitely isn't interested in it

[bluecastle]

@d0nnivain: Looking through these threads you really reveal yourself as something of a sage—always offering thoughtful advice. Everyone on here, myself included, is lucky to have such a good listener like you.

 

I understand you're deeply skeptical about my situation having any legs for sustainability. I am as well. That's the whole "prepare for the worst" part, which for me is easy. It's kind of how I live: self-contained, self-sufficient.

 

The other part, of course, is that I am in love.

 

I guess I'm wondering if you have any specific advice on how I handle this period. My first priority is self-work—healing, listening to these lessons, letting them sink in and guide me as a reaffirm my own foundation through work, friends, and hobbies. (As a driven 38 year old who believes in living life actively, that foundation is pretty solid.) I'm traveling for the next few weeks to have ample space to listen to myself and to distance myself from psychic/geographic pull that comes from being in the very small city we call home.

 

What I'm trying to figure out is whether it's possible to keep an open line of communication open without becoming something of a crutch or an impediment to her own process, whatever that process may be. Or something. Just writing here from a bit of a dark corner and turning to the internet to shine some light on what I'm not seeing.

[Nothingtolose]

I think you know deep down that you need to cut her off and start a healthy relationship with someone else. It's so hard to turn a toxic situation that started on a foundation of lies/deceit/unfaithfulness into a positive and healthy one.

 

That being said, my heart goes out to you, because I know when we love someone all this logic goes out the window. And you know what, this will go against the advice most people here (myself included) would give, but sometimes you need to go full circle with someone to be able to fully move on. Sometimes you know the story's not finished, and you know you're setting yourself up for potentially more pain in the long run, but you just have to live it through.

 

You need to weigh the pros and cons of potentially 'wasting your time'. For myself, I'm 33, a woman, and want to get married and have children. I can't keep wasting my time with my ex by going back to that relationship because I only have so many years of fertility left (sadly)- and I know the way he lives his life now, he is not husband or father material. So this helps me make the choice to move on now, as difficult as it is.

 

If you get back with her and you end up breaking up again 2, 3 years down the line, will you be alright with this time spent trying again and see it as learning experience, or will you be mad at yourself and see these 2, 3 years as time wasted? Can you live with this relationship failing again?

 

Again, I'm not an advocate to keep beating a dead horse, however, sometimes situations with no closure cause more pain down the line than just going back there, living it through, going full circle, then calling it a day when you can genuinely say "I've had enough". Based on what you described, this could work, but it also has an incredibly high chance of failing again, so just decide whether you are okay with investing a few more months (or years) into this relationship and take your chances.

[bluecastle]

Posted this in Second Chances, but I'm curious what the folks here have to say.

 

In the past week I learned that my ex (broke it off two months ago) had been unfaithful to me back in April—that it was after this that she first voiced concerns about my commitment level, but also (I now understand) felt incredibly guilty when I "stepped up" and couldn't quite step in herself.

 

It is a complicated saga. I’m 38, she’s 26. She has real depression and self-esteem issues that she is just starting to reckon with with a professional, but suffice to say that this "affair" was along the lines of the Harvey Weinstein variety. She was taken advantage of by a real predator. He promised her a job to get in her pants. He picked at her insecurities about me and made false promises. Once he got in her pants (oral sex while she cried, according to her) he rescinded the job.

 

As much as it hurts me, and as much I know this was still a choice she ultimately made, I feel equally terrible about what happened to her. She was just gutted. So just as I’m stepping up, she’s going into a real spiral of shame and self-hatred. It was toxic. I’d do something nice, she’d lash out at me because (as she has put it) she hated herself. This basically went on for months, and every time I tried to ask if something else was going on (something with the guy, a general desire to be single) she denied it. Eventually, it got to be too much and I ended things.

 

Anyhow, as all this was going on she had become incredibly resentful of me for being distant during our first year, which I was. Any time I voiced having hurt feelings about her present behavior—she was pushing boundaries by reaching out to old flings, etc.—she would lash out about something two years old that was “fine” at the time. It was like a light went on, and as she became depressed she became retroactively furious. Taken aback, I kind of minimized this pain/resentment. My attitude was: yeah, I wasn't ready and was kind of a dunce, but you’d gone along with it then, and, hey, I came around, haven't been a dunce in 2 years, and am here NOW showing you my love.

 

Thing is, 5 months into our relationship I slept with my ex. It was dumb choice I made and a lie I kept inside. I was weak and confused and still hung up on a dumb story. I'd always felt guilty about this, but kind of rationalized it because we were still in the early stages and it was the moment I let go of my past and focused on what was in front of me.

 

When I learned what she had done I opted to tell her that I had been unfaithful early instead of haranguing her. She had reached out to me a few days earlier about talking about a reconciliation, and I just wanted all cards on the table. We'd never been able to be fully open in the relationship, and as such (I see now) we never fully trusted. My feeling was: We deal with each other now like the flawed humans we are, we either forgive or we don't, or we don’t deal at all. Time for us BOTH to be accountable and see what the universe delivers.

 

The talks we've had have been HARD. But they have also been so good, so real, opening up some real warmth between us. We have grown a bit—together, and as individuals—in these talks. I’m genuinely grateful for them. I'd say I love her more for sharing them with her. One ended with a kiss.

 

Needless to say, I'm thrown.

 

I'm very ready for a relationship after many years of cursory loves and plenty of shenanigans (including 2.5 years ago with her). I want that relationship to be with her, and the work required excites more than it intimidates. She, however, is 12 years younger and frankly I don’t know where she’s at or if she even knows. Has she learned from all this? Was the guilt really the big thing preventing her from stepping in as I stepped up, or should I just look at it all as sign that she’s just not ready for a relationship with me right now? (Two potential red flags: She told me she hasn't told her therapist about the affair, so is she even able to be honest with herself? And I noticed she went back on Tinder just as we were having these amazing talks...)

 

I don't know. I know this all sounds nuts. My question to you all is: Am I crazy to think this could be the foundation for Relationship 2.0?

 

I know I can forgive—I’ve messed up plenty, with her and in the past, and know we are all works in progress stumbling on the road to decency. Hell, what I love is the idea of stumbling on that road together, now, in full honesty, and maybe it took us dropping a few nukes to level the field so we can move forward?

 

We are talking about the possibility—gingerly. But I've gotten pretty protective, and given that this was recent behavior it’s hard for me to know if it’s kind of just who and where she is for the time being—someone who needs to kick around in the muck a bit to find some inner clarity.

 

I'm staying away from town for the next month—to listen to my thoughts and feel my feelings without needing to react to them knowing she's a few blocks away. I've often been the one with the tighter grip on the wheel in the past, and I know I can't move forward if she doesn't show some natural interest/ability in grabbing that wheel and shouldering the weight of all this alongside me.

 

Blah blah. Sorry for the long post. Thoughts? Questions? Advice?

[smackie9]

Amazing talks but how much is it really truthful? She couldn't even disclose accurate details to her therapist...how is lying about things ever going to help her? She hasn't really grown at all. I have done the try again thing...those old habits and issues don't go away. Eventually it rears it's ugly head once again.

 

IMO you should try moving on..once you meet someone stable/have their emotional s%^$ together, then you will see it was a healthy choice.

[bluecastle]

I really appreciate this Nothingtolose.

 

What I've accepted for the time being is that deep down I don't know anything—yet—and that's where I need to hover for a bit. I'm staying away from town for a month, and while we have an open line of communication (and I can't help but have an open heart) my feeling is that I need her to take the initiative in communicating. That's the only way I can even have a modicum of faith that something has shifted.

 

In the meantime, I'm committed to just doing me: my daily yoga, my therapy, my friends, my love of adventure, my work, and so on. I do love and admire this woman to pieces, believe we could rock the world together if we chose to, and know that I at least can forgive what's happened. But I can't feel like my love and forgiveness and vision is fueling the train for both of us. I just want to be a flawed human stumbling on the road to decency alongside someone spectacular; I'd love that to be her, but I can't put those words in her mouth or feelings in her heart.

 

I know I can be very persuasive. I'm good with words, good with gestures, and I come with a lot of surface stuff (cool career, serious financial stability, homes in multiple cities, a propensity to take spontaneous motorcycle rides) that I know can be enticing. She comes with a lot of that stuff too, and it certainly is part of what entices.

 

But that's not what I love about her, and I don't want to be loved for that. The truth is I love her all the more for sharing this hard, honest moment together, but am I alone in that? Who knows?

 

And right now that's a bit of my fear—that on some deep level she "knows" she wants/needs to explore herself on her own (I mean, she went back on Tinder while we were having these talks) but she is also scared to let go of something "good."

 

I don't know. Just rambling. Big thanks for listening.

[bluecastle]

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, the not telling the therapist was a big red flag, since she's been in therapy for 6 months now and it made me feel like: wait—you've feeding her the same version of yourself that you've been feeding me?

 

Does something change now that we've had these talks? She can't feel guilty about deceiving me anymore, so the question becomes: Does your guilt over your actions inspire you to work on yourself? Those are sort of the questions for me, and ones that only time will answer. I'm frankly scared to ask her directly, because I don't want her to just say what sounds right or what she wants to hear herself say.

 

I am self-protective almost to a fault, and forward moving by nature. I'm doing all the things to move forward, while also just kind of acknowledging that my heart is open. For how long, I suppose, is for the universe to decide.

[Space Ritual]

Thus far you have a lot of words from her and little to no action.

 

If you chose to try, then you will have navigate the minefield of holding her accountable when her actions don't line up with her words.

 

However, the same goes for you as well. After all, you yourself are a cheater.

 

It does not matter who banged first or second. What matters is that both of you do the work necessary to become a safe partner. If not for each other, then for your next partner.

[bluecastle]

Any advice on how one goes about navigating that minefield of accountability?

 

I am a cheater too, yes. And the mistake I realize I made was thinking that my post-infidelity actions could, I don't know, remedy the dumb choice I made. My point being: I was there, and in it, after that. Always. More and more every day. It wasn't really that I was trying to atone so much as that's who I am: I act.

 

I ended the relationship, ultimately, because her words ("I want to be with you") were always negated by her actions, even before I knew the full extend of them.

 

So now it's a big question mark. Do I just kind of hang back, do my thing, and see what comes in the space? Do I stay in contact and observe? I don't know. Any thoughts/advice is really appreciated.

[road]

Any advice on how one goes about navigating that minefield of accountability?

 

I am a cheater too, yes. And the mistake I realize I made was thinking that my post-infidelity actions could, I don't know, remedy the dumb choice I made. My point being: I was there, and in it, after that. Always. More and more every day. It wasn't really that I was trying to atone so much as that's who I am: I act.

 

I ended the relationship, ultimately, because her words ("I want to be with you") were always negated by her actions, even before I knew the full extend of them.

 

So now it's a big question mark. Do I just kind of hang back, do my thing, and see what comes in the space? Do I stay in contact and observe? I don't know. Any thoughts/advice is really appreciated.

 

You are sorry you cheated.

 

She is sorry that she got caught.

 

Her time with the IC shows that she is not ready to be

honest or do the work.

 

Twelve year age difference?

 

Throw that one back into the water.

[bluecastle]

Here is what she would say to that, because she has said a version to my face.

 

I was NOT sorry I cheated, because I was able to hold the lie for so long and allow a relationship to form on top of it. Ultimately (her words) I only told her because I found out what she did.

 

To which she would add (has added): that she was so consumed with guilt that it was impossible for her to engage in the relationship—in other words, that her guilt was more real and more profound than mine. My take on that is (a) people just process guilt differently; (b) that's kind of selfish; and © maybe your guilt isn't solely connecting to what you did but the fact that you just aren't into this anymore and don't know how to own that.

 

Which, more than anything, is where my trepidation lays regarding any future engagement of any sort.

 

She is adamant about the fact that, prior to my finding out through the grapevine, she was "about" to confess.

 

This of course brings me no comfort—the idea of an action and an actual action are two different things—and of course it scares me that she can take comfort in that "about to" as some kind of high ground. My take is: neither of us have any high ground—can we accept that, exist on that plane together, and build and grow?

 

Crazy, crazy, I know.