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Anyone been in love with someone who has mental issues?


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Old 31st October 2017, 4:39 AM   #1
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Anyone been in love with someone who has mental issues?

Has anyone here been in love with someone who has mental issues? I have been friends with this girl for about a year, and it was weird because we fell in love with each other, and it was not the type we were looking for it, it just happened. We clicked and from both sides it was wonderful. We were together for almost 4 months and out of the blue she said she just did not feel anything the last two days and that was it.
I was devestated and I still am. She has been through a great deal of trauma in her life. She was raped repeatedly between the ages of 7-9, and worst part is her mother knew. She is bi-polar, suffers from social anxiety, depression, and is disabled. It hurts so much because I am so in love with this woman. On her good days she is incredible, but when she goes through her bi-polar days she can go a week without getting out of bed. Her last two boyfriends physically abused her.
Here I come alone, and she tells me how I make her happy, and that she finally found someone who puts a smile on her face. And than she one of her bi-polar days comes along and it is all over.
If I did not truly 100% believe she did not love me it would be different, but I know she does. So I am guessing there is nothing I can do besides be in love with her from a distance.
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Old 31st October 2017, 5:58 AM   #2
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Yes, I've had experience, although not bi-polor specifically. I don't want to write a tome here, but I will give you a couple of key concepts that you should try to accept and integrate so that they guide not only cognitive realizations, but emotionally as well.

First, it wasn't about you. They attach through extreme neediness and the unrealistic hope that someone else will be the solution to their issues. You just happened to be an object in the right place at the right time, and when they asked who is willing to sacrifice his own happiness to assuage my misery, you raised your hand. Your rationalization is that they will be so appreciative of your sacrifice that they will be caring and forever loyal. But when you fail to absorb all of their misery and make them whole, it's your fault and you are no longer useful.

Secondly, your susceptibility is based on not believing deep down that you are worthy of being loved just for who you are, so you sign on as caretaker and savior, and are willing to settle for just getting a little tiny bit of appreciation in return for the huge sacrifice. It starts out feeling like appreciation, but in the end, you don't even get that and it is replaced with resentment and distain. Then, if you don't deal with it and become aware of the why and how, it ends up reinforcing your sense of unworthiness... you made the big sacrifice and accepted the role, but ultimately you weren't even good enough for scraps in a one-sided deal.

The answer is to get into therapy and let go of that sense of failure. Figure out why you don't feel worthy... of being loved by a healthy person who will appreciate you and love you in an other-focused way, reciprocate by meeting your needs as well, and love you wholeheartedly without this warped expectation that you need to be perfect in order to be worthy. It's a process, it will take time and work. Shift your focus now and learn to love yourself so that you don't have to make a deal to accept a dysfunctional arrangement.

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Old 31st October 2017, 9:46 AM   #3
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I'm not going to lie, dating or being with someone with mental issues will forever be challenging even with all the therapy in the world and the right meds. Mental illness, just like addiction, is very selfish.

I think salapardise made some really great points.

If she isn't in therapy or taking any meds to help with her bi-polar issues, she may need to consider this if she wants a quality of life. That being said, she has to do it for HER not for YOU or your relationship. Your job isn't to save this girl after all.

This is a hard one because what's happening as nothing to do with you and everything to do with her and how she wrestles with her demons and deals with past trauma.

Unfortunately loving someone so deeply and unconditionally isn't ever going to be enough so you need to love and protect yourself as much as you want to love and protect her.

Good luck.
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Old 31st October 2017, 11:02 AM   #4
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Loved a few but only one I tolerated until she died and that's because she gave me life. Else, nah, big world, done with that.
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Old 31st October 2017, 11:16 AM   #5
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but if she just hides away when ill, and is good company when well, you might be alright

but some mentally ill make no effort to be nice, or to hide, and are blithely obnoxious, impossible to be around

how did she manage before you came along?
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Old 31st October 2017, 12:19 PM   #6
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with all the great medications now a days you'd never even know that someone has mental illness.
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Old 31st October 2017, 1:04 PM   #7
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Yes I was deeply involved with a psychopath.. scary business
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Old 31st October 2017, 1:29 PM   #8
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Yes I was deeply involved with a psychopath.. scary business
indeed HM, indeed
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Old 31st October 2017, 1:40 PM   #9
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with all the great medications now a days you'd never even know that someone has mental illness.
Indeed, and I also came to understand the complexity of the manager of free will to choose, like choosing to take medications to treat the brain chemistry imbalances, was the injured organ and cognitive and emotional function could vary widely in that regard.

The most common occurrance? "I feel better now and don't need this"

Unless prepared to treat the adult like a child and 'make' them take their meds, like while observing, free will was always in play and verification was generally impossible and, with such a person, it became a cycle of going on the meds and going off the meds, each with the associated side-effects. Things would cycle from healthy and balanced to hitting bottom and then back and forth and back and forth.

Do some folks do great, balanced and healthy on their med or cocktail? Sure. Rare, IME, but sure. Do they go to concurrent psychological therapy? Sure, some do. Very few I've known have, at least consistently. When hitting bottom, yeah, sure. Anything to get better. Once better, discarded.

IMO, the person most likely to get into such a relationship will have a caretaker personality. Other, more transactional/balanced, people will see what's happening and hit the eject button.

Does everyone deserve to be loved? IDK, I used to say yes but man at what cost? Not my sanity brother. I saw that hell and pulled back from the brink.
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Old 31st October 2017, 1:45 PM   #10
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Yes. Though I'll never truly know what it was, through reading I've found she was likely a good cocktail of "Cluster B's." Never again.
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Old 31st October 2017, 2:36 PM   #11
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A couple times. I've gotten pretty good at picking up on the warning signs now. I tend to attract the 'problem' ones. They probably say the same about me though.
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Old 1st November 2017, 5:32 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by alphamale View Post
with all the great medications now a days you'd never even know that someone has mental illness.
Ha, you sure do have an optimistic perspective. I think it's great that many brain chemistry imbalances are treatable, but what exactly does treatable mean? I think often the definition would be symptoms reduced to a manageable, non-crisis, level... patient able to avoid hospitalizations. In other words, meds are to mental illness as crutches are to a fractured tibia. I'm sure outcomes cover the entire range from very successful to unsuccessful... but the word cured isn't going to be used often.

I think it's interesting how invisible such issues are to the uninitiated, and to those whose yen happens to match the yang of certain patterns. Women (or men) who are very attractive and can pretty much have their pick will end up in dysfunctional/abusive relationships and not be able to understand what it is, how or why... but the guy is over six feet, a good talker, has hair, good teeth and a job...

I guess it's about time to find a couple of new psych books for casual reading
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Old 1st November 2017, 5:44 AM   #13
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Not all mentally ill people expect to be fixed by being partnered.......fixing comes from within......i am classified as mentally ill....i have more than on type of illness....i disassociate is probably the worst of who i am.....i was ina relationship for fifteen years......and it wasnt me who left or cheated or gave up....i fought hard... like a dog actually.... worked and gave blood sweat and tears literally to keep my relationship going...........i am also ocd.....fear of failure....


how i look at relationships is this

regardless of mental status of one or both parties..... if two people love each other enough to try and work it out...... it happens.....it works out one way or another either together or apart........there's therapy... there's possible medication that may just help...... there's couples counselling or group therapy......and then theres acceptance if it doesn't work out .......that it just wasn't meant to be.......bi polar is a hard illness to manage.....did your ex try anything along the lines of professional help.....deb

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Old 1st November 2017, 5:46 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by alphamale View Post
with all the great medications now a days you'd never even know that someone has mental illness.
You're kidding, right?

While my depression is very much under control with SSRIs, not everyone is so lucky.

One of my mates is bipolar and PTSD. Thanks to current meds, he's now the most "normal" he's ever been in his life. But he's still a long way from what you might know as "normal". Still completely unemployable and impossible to be around when he's either manic or has just crashed. Despite having been medicated for many years, his wife and kids have all been traumatised by his behaviour.

Another friend who's bipolar doesn't take her meds because she doesn't like what they do to her. Side effects or other poor outcomes are big contributors to non-compliance.

My autistic son is on the way to see a new psychiatrist to try and see if he can do better than the meds he's on. I know he'll never be neuro typical, but I'm hoping to find different meds to what he's on. New ones which may better help his anxiety and other issues.
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Old 1st November 2017, 6:54 AM   #15
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Yes my ex. My advice. Run like hell.
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