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Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 27th February 2017, 9:25 AM   #16
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Well, it started with yesterday being bad. I did as I said, confronted my fears and drove the route I normally would have before XBF. It was worse than I anticipated. Seeing his house, the restaurant/bar we frequented, the place of our first kiss ... it all came down like a ton of bricks, to the point that I went home and cried myself to sleep (in the middle of the day). How embarrassing.
You're being too hard on yourself and trying to push some sort of acceptance to avoid your pain. It was too soon for you to drive by. There is no need to try and make a point. I had an ex that lived down the street from me. I made it a point to take the longer route. I wasn't doing any favors for myself by trying to prove I could overcome that fear, especially so soon into the ending. This is the time to be gentle and kind to yourself. The day will come when you can better manage something like this and you will know when that day arrives. Don't put yourself in situations that you know will trigger pain. There is no need for that right now. This is the time you focus on your grieving and nursing your wounds. Not gouging at them.

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Then last night, the dreams ... all night long, he canceled on me again, completely dismissed me, we were breaking up and I was cleaning out my belongings and I saw that he kept a little note where I wrote "I <3 you" ... I woke up from these dreams repeatedly, only to eventually fall back into one. It was exhausting, and I am exhausted.
I'm sorry, Newheart. This is just part and parcel of heartbreak. Those dreams are the worse. It's still very fresh and your mind is on a constant loop about your breakup and it's going to manifest in your dreams. I did notice that as I was healing, the dreams were appearing in different form -- I was avoiding him, I was dismissing him, etc. That was a sign that I was detaching. For now, they will come and with full force. You're going to get over this.

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So, I held it together until he passed (I didn't look at his face, I looked away and held my head up high with a smile on my face - I probably looked like a total idiot, tbh).
Why did you think you looked like an idiot? There will be no self-deprecation. You're doing the best you can under difficult circumstances. Again, be kind to yourself. You're in pain. And he knows that too and I am sure he's not even thinking about how "idiotic" you think you looked but more so in his own way reflecting about what's transpired.

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I got into my office and lost it. Briefly considered emailing him ... to tell him how he gave me less than I put in, less than I deserved, that I never understood what October really was about if this was a repeat, that he never 'let me in' to know what it was he was ever thinking or expecting of me. I am writing here instead. I shouldn't send that, right?
No, you do not send him anything. It won't change a thing. You've said quite often that he is conflict avoidant -- what do you think you will gain from sending him that? He will retreat even more and that will cause you more pain.

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Why do I feel WORSE instead of better? I mean, literally, I was almost okay - relieved - the first week. The second week was a bit more of a roller coaster, but I still had glimmers of hope. Now, I feel like I am devastated. I am constantly re-evaluating what I have said and done, what I could have done differently. I can't take another night of the dreams! They have to stop. I feel like I am losing it a bit, like I will never love again, but like I don't even want to ... is this normal?
Grief comes in waves. It gets worse before it gets better. There are days you will be willful and strong, then there are days you'll be a puddle on the floor. It's normal to keep replaying it all in your mind but don't react to it. Feel it, acknowledge it and then let it go.

And yes, it is normal to feel like you will never love again. You are going through some level of depression and feelings of hopelessness. You've just suffered a loss, akin to a death of a loved one. You're in a dark and lonely place so it's only natural for you to think the worse. I promise you that one day when the fog has lifted and your heart has healed you will find light in your life again.

ps: I'll message you later today.
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Last edited by Zahara; 27th February 2017 at 9:39 AM..
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Old 27th February 2017, 9:57 AM   #17
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Newhart your post really struck a chord with me- I am a few weeks further down the road in my breakup, and I was feeling SO many of the same things only a few weeks ago.

Couple of things- I agree with the previous poster- let yourself heal and take the long way to work for a few more weeks! I had been broken up a month when I skipped an event that I normally would have been very excited to attend, because I thought there was a very good chance my ex would be there. I went out to dinner with a girlfriend instead, and was so glad. Be gentle with yourself.


Don't send any emails or texts! My ex, like yours, is conflict avoidant. A few weeks into the breakup I woke up in agony and wrote an emotional text about missing him. 24 hours later I got a very distant, kind (I thought it was condescending, but that's most likely my hurt feelings talking) 1 line one reply. At one month I sent a heart-felt letter pouring out everything, and saying we should at least talk this through, remembering all the special times we had, etc. NO REPLY. It truly does make you feel worse.

I am out the door to work, but will write a longer post tonight with what has helped me. I am feeling a lot better than I was a few weeks ago.

(hugs)
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Old 27th February 2017, 2:05 PM   #18
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Today is bad.


Why do I feel WORSE instead of better? I mean, literally, I was almost okay - relieved - the first week. The second week was a bit more of a roller coaster, but I still had glimmers of hope. Now, I feel like I am devastated. I am constantly re-evaluating what I have said and done, what I could have done differently. I can't take another night of the dreams! They have to stop. I feel like I am losing it a bit, like I will never love again, but like I don't even want to ... is this normal?
I know exactly how this feels.

I felt a little relief at first, actually for the first two days I felt great lol.

I felt confident and strong, almost glad this whole saga was done, I felt like I'd said everything I needed to say and accepted it was hopeless.

One week later and I'm a complete mess, depression has got a grip on me, I'm clinging onto hope again and subconsciously plotting ways to get her back.

People say to give up hope and accept but the reality is that is not a conscious choice for most people, I will have hope until the day I no longer have hope, I can't just make it happen.

Unless she sleeps with someone else at which point hope would be gone and I'd have no choice but to accept.
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Old 27th February 2017, 3:17 PM   #19
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I know exactly how this feels.

I felt a little relief at first, actually for the first two days I felt great lol.

I felt confident and strong, almost glad this whole saga was done, I felt like I'd said everything I needed to say and accepted it was hopeless.

One week later and I'm a complete mess, depression has got a grip on me, I'm clinging onto hope again and subconsciously plotting ways to get her back.

People say to give up hope and accept but the reality is that is not a conscious choice for most people, I will have hope until the day I no longer have hope, I can't just make it happen.

Unless she sleeps with someone else at which point hope would be gone and I'd have no choice but to accept.
NWB,

I am sorry to hear of your pain ... it is nice to know I am not alone or crazy with the direction my "healing" has gone, but I don't like hearing of others in pain. I am truly sorry to hear of your break up.

The crazy thing is, I love him so much but I don't have hope because I know that he hasn't treated me as I have deserved. If he came to me tomorrow, as much as it kills me, I know I can't take him back. At best, I occasionally find myself thinking if he got help for his issues, maybe one day down the road we could be together, but I am not stupid and I know that is not going to happen. It is just one of those things I think that sometimes helps me to feel a little better.

You are right though, I don't think the way we feel right now is a conscious choice, otherwise it would be simple and none of us would be here. We just need to take it day by day.

((Hugs))
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Old 27th February 2017, 3:30 PM   #20
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Newhart your post really struck a chord with me- I am a few weeks further down the road in my breakup, and I was feeling SO many of the same things only a few weeks ago.

Couple of things- I agree with the previous poster- let yourself heal and take the long way to work for a few more weeks! I had been broken up a month when I skipped an event that I normally would have been very excited to attend, because I thought there was a very good chance my ex would be there. I went out to dinner with a girlfriend instead, and was so glad. Be gentle with yourself.


Don't send any emails or texts! My ex, like yours, is conflict avoidant. A few weeks into the breakup I woke up in agony and wrote an emotional text about missing him. 24 hours later I got a very distant, kind (I thought it was condescending, but that's most likely my hurt feelings talking) 1 line one reply. At one month I sent a heart-felt letter pouring out everything, and saying we should at least talk this through, remembering all the special times we had, etc. NO REPLY. It truly does make you feel worse.

I am out the door to work, but will write a longer post tonight with what has helped me. I am feeling a lot better than I was a few weeks ago.

(hugs)
Thank you, Jenny. I really appreciate it, and will take any advice you have to give!

Unfortunately, there is no long way to work - I must commute across a bridge which has only one entry point, which is the intersection we sometimes cross. I knew it would happen one day, but crazy that today I am running late and driving over at a time I don't normally pass, and there he is.

I can avoid driving through his small town though, to the best of my ability. I forced myself yesterday - I wanted to be strong, but it was just an absolute nightmare.

I did write an email today, but just something I saved in draft, I didn't send it. It isn't asking for a reconciliation or anything like that, more just saying how I felt about what happened over the last week of our relationship and our break up, and how I felt leading up to that, in that I couldn't really talk to him. I know I shouldn't send it. Part of me thinks he doesn't even deserve the satisfaction of knowing I felt he was a d*** to me; part of me thinks that he genuinely is a broken, but not bad person, and I want him to know how hurtful he was. When we didn't speak for a few weeks last fall, he misunderstood every thing that happened and every thing that was said, and I wrote him a letter for my own benefit, to explain the side I never got to present. And when he read it, he knew he was a fool. (And I was glad I did, though I was in a different place that time and open to reconciliation) Part of me thinks it will give that illusive "closure", but I know myself - even though it isn't written looking for a response, I will probably still want one. So this really isn't about closure. I don't know what it is about.
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Old 27th February 2017, 3:34 PM   #21
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You're being too hard on yourself and trying to push some sort of acceptance to avoid your pain. It was too soon for you to drive by. There is no need to try and make a point. I had an ex that lived down the street from me. I made it a point to take the longer route. I wasn't doing any favors for myself by trying to prove I could overcome that fear, especially so soon into the ending. This is the time to be gentle and kind to yourself. The day will come when you can better manage something like this and you will know when that day arrives. Don't put yourself in situations that you know will trigger pain. There is no need for that right now. This is the time you focus on your grieving and nursing your wounds. Not gouging at them.

I'm sorry, Newheart. This is just part and parcel of heartbreak. Those dreams are the worse. It's still very fresh and your mind is on a constant loop about your breakup and it's going to manifest in your dreams. I did notice that as I was healing, the dreams were appearing in different form -- I was avoiding him, I was dismissing him, etc. That was a sign that I was detaching. For now, they will come and with full force. You're going to get over this.

Why did you think you looked like an idiot? There will be no self-deprecation. You're doing the best you can under difficult circumstances. Again, be kind to yourself. You're in pain. And he knows that too and I am sure he's not even thinking about how "idiotic" you think you looked but more so in his own way reflecting about what's transpired.

No, you do not send him anything. It won't change a thing. You've said quite often that he is conflict avoidant -- what do you think you will gain from sending him that? He will retreat even more and that will cause you more pain.



Grief comes in waves. It gets worse before it gets better. There are days you will be willful and strong, then there are days you'll be a puddle on the floor. It's normal to keep replaying it all in your mind but don't react to it. Feel it, acknowledge it and then let it go.

And yes, it is normal to feel like you will never love again. You are going through some level of depression and feelings of hopelessness. You've just suffered a loss, akin to a death of a loved one. You're in a dark and lonely place so it's only natural for you to think the worse. I promise you that one day when the fog has lifted and your heart has healed you will find light in your life again.

ps: I'll message you later today.
Thanks, Z ... needed this more than you even know. Look forward to chatting later!
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Old 27th February 2017, 9:11 PM   #22
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Hey Newheart-

I hope your day ended up being better than expected. Hereís a couple of things that helped me in the past few weeks. Maybe 1 or 2 will strike a chord with you!

-Figure out who who it is uplfting/better to talk through stuff with. I have lots of friends/family Iíve talked through this with, but after the dust settled, Iíve found that there are two people (my cousin and a girlfriend) with whom it really brings me relief to talk to about it. I donít feel dumb for bringing it up again, and I honestly donít talk their ears off (anymore) about it, but they are both very insightful, really, truly listen to what Iím saying and give good, solid advice. So Iíve stopped bringing it up all the time to various friends, but I know that if Iím really suffering, I can talk to these two.

-Figure out what makes you feel best socially: My ex is super extroverted, and loves to be out and about with a million plans that he wanted me to join. So, when we were dating, I loved that night or two when we were apart to putter around, surf the net, etc. Now, though I find that too much solitude is really bad for me. But, Iíve also found that all day or really long events are too much. So I try to line up lots of smaller, social things. Meeting a friend or friends for dinner, or a movie, or a drink, or a hike? Good! Scheduling some all day event that includes several activities, meals, changes of venue? Bad!

-Arrange you home time to make you feel best: Even when Iím home, I try to line up what Iím going to do. Watching a new series he would have hated (Victoria on PBS), listening to a new mystery series on Audible that he would have had no interest in discussing, etc. Reaching out to old friends with long, chatty emails or phone calls. Taking up a craft/hobby that fell by the wayside when I was with him- for me itís really intricate cross-stitching. I turn on classical music or my audio book and Iím set. If youíre a reader, read something challenging, or re-read a classic. No more evenings spent with reading endless online articles about commitment phobes or conflict avoiders. Enough.

Limit alcohol: Itís very tempting (for me) to have a bunch of drinks when Iím out with friends or to have a glass or 2 of wine when Iím home at night. Iíve realized this makes me feel 1000% times worse the next day. My emotions (especially anxiety) are all over the place and I will feel down for the entire day. So, no more than 1 drink when Iím out with friends, and no drinking at home, at all.

-Most important (for me): Summarize the narrative of your relationship into a few sentences. For me it is : (Ex) is a fun, generous person with tons of enthusiasm for life, and we had a lot in common, cared about each other, and had a lot of special times. But living a much younger life-style, including bars, partying, and no long term commitments was more important to him than a future with me. I want someone who could make a long-term commitment to me, and whose values and lifestyle are more in align with mine.Ē Once you have your ďstatementĒ- whenever your start to obsess, or get in circular thinking about the relationship, or going over old fights or even good memories- just repeat your ďstatementĒ to yourself. I printed mine out, ha.

Itís so so hard, I know. I am mid 40ís and my my ex is 50! Itís like you go through a divorce, and the custody stuff, and date around, and the kids get older and you finally find someone you click with! You fall in love and have so many fun and special times and think - Ok- here is someone I can have a real future with! Only to have it all fall to dust. I canít even imagine dating again. Just getting my equilibrium back is enough for now. Hang in there, you are not alone in what you are feeling!
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Old 28th February 2017, 12:05 PM   #23
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Hey Newheart-

I hope your day ended up being better than expected. Hereís a couple of things that helped me in the past few weeks. Maybe 1 or 2 will strike a chord with you!

-Figure out who who it is uplfting/better to talk through stuff with. I have lots of friends/family Iíve talked through this with, but after the dust settled, Iíve found that there are two people (my cousin and a girlfriend) with whom it really brings me relief to talk to about it. I donít feel dumb for bringing it up again, and I honestly donít talk their ears off (anymore) about it, but they are both very insightful, really, truly listen to what Iím saying and give good, solid advice. So Iíve stopped bringing it up all the time to various friends, but I know that if Iím really suffering, I can talk to these two.

-Figure out what makes you feel best socially: My ex is super extroverted, and loves to be out and about with a million plans that he wanted me to join. So, when we were dating, I loved that night or two when we were apart to putter around, surf the net, etc. Now, though I find that too much solitude is really bad for me. But, Iíve also found that all day or really long events are too much. So I try to line up lots of smaller, social things. Meeting a friend or friends for dinner, or a movie, or a drink, or a hike? Good! Scheduling some all day event that includes several activities, meals, changes of venue? Bad!

-Arrange you home time to make you feel best: Even when Iím home, I try to line up what Iím going to do. Watching a new series he would have hated (Victoria on PBS), listening to a new mystery series on Audible that he would have had no interest in discussing, etc. Reaching out to old friends with long, chatty emails or phone calls. Taking up a craft/hobby that fell by the wayside when I was with him- for me itís really intricate cross-stitching. I turn on classical music or my audio book and Iím set. If youíre a reader, read something challenging, or re-read a classic. No more evenings spent with reading endless online articles about commitment phobes or conflict avoiders. Enough.

Limit alcohol: Itís very tempting (for me) to have a bunch of drinks when Iím out with friends or to have a glass or 2 of wine when Iím home at night. Iíve realized this makes me feel 1000% times worse the next day. My emotions (especially anxiety) are all over the place and I will feel down for the entire day. So, no more than 1 drink when Iím out with friends, and no drinking at home, at all.

-Most important (for me): Summarize the narrative of your relationship into a few sentences. For me it is : (Ex) is a fun, generous person with tons of enthusiasm for life, and we had a lot in common, cared about each other, and had a lot of special times. But living a much younger life-style, including bars, partying, and no long term commitments was more important to him than a future with me. I want someone who could make a long-term commitment to me, and whose values and lifestyle are more in align with mine.Ē Once you have your ďstatementĒ- whenever your start to obsess, or get in circular thinking about the relationship, or going over old fights or even good memories- just repeat your ďstatementĒ to yourself. I printed mine out, ha.

Itís so so hard, I know. I am mid 40ís and my my ex is 50! Itís like you go through a divorce, and the custody stuff, and date around, and the kids get older and you finally find someone you click with! You fall in love and have so many fun and special times and think - Ok- here is someone I can have a real future with! Only to have it all fall to dust. I canít even imagine dating again. Just getting my equilibrium back is enough for now. Hang in there, you are not alone in what you are feeling!
Jenny,

This is awesome advice - THANK YOU! I've read through this post a few times this morning and have been thinking about it. I still have not yet figured how t do the 'multi quote' thing (what the heck? maybe it's my browser) but I am going to work on your suggestions and post here.

I absolutely LOVE the idea of making my own mission statement! I am going to think about it, type it up and hang it somewhere to remind myself. Will be back later with it ... again, thank you!
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Old 1st March 2017, 8:56 AM   #24
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I have taken an OTC sleep aid the last two nights (I know, not the best habit to start) but it really has been helping me sleep without the dreams, or I should say, without remembering the dreams. I know the dreams are still happening because I very briefly wake up, but I fall back asleep and I don't remember them, lol.

Last night I was laying in bed thinking of something my daughter had said to me the first night she met XBF. I waited six months before introducing him to my younger two. We went out to dinner, and afterwards, my daughter said to me that she knows I didn't see this, but that she was watching him look at me and you could just see how much he loved me, he looked at me with such love. I was shocked that she made that observation, such a sweet thing for her to say. I was happy, also, because I haven't been in a relationship where I role modeled what a loving relationship should be. And now look.

I wonder if anyone will look at me that way again, or rather, anyone who I feel that way about will look at me that way again.

It's a new month. Time to put February behind me.
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Old 1st March 2017, 4:34 PM   #25
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Last night I was laying in bed thinking of something my daughter had said to me the first night she met XBF. I waited six months before introducing him to my younger two. We went out to dinner, and afterwards, my daughter said to me that she knows I didn't see this, but that she was watching him look at me and you could just see how much he loved me, he looked at me with such love. I was shocked that she made that observation, such a sweet thing for her to say. I was happy, also, because I haven't been in a relationship where I role modeled what a loving relationship should be. And now look.

Hi Newheart-

Wow, that must have been hard, re-living the memory of that conversation with your daughter. Ugh. I am still at the place where I ruthlessly push all happy memories away. It hurts too much. A few weeks ago a friend of mine (he lives far away and we mostly communicate via text) was in town for dinner and I was telling him the breakup story. I was lamenting, in general terms, how great everything had been, etc.

Later that night he texted me and told me to go and read some of our texts from a year ago, 9 months ago, 6 months ago. I did, and it was pretty eye-opening. I had been stressed about certain things in my ex's and I's relationship throughout the entire history of it. His inability to plan as far ahead as even the next weekend, his "younger" lifestyle, how he sometimes seemed "out of sight, out of mind" in his relating to me. It was weird reading those things, because in the aftermath of the break-up, everything was perfect and wonderful, and now it was over.

But for, it was helpful to see that those same issues that I had complained about to my friend throughout the relationship were the ones that ended it. They never went away.

When I look at your older posts, I see the same pattern. The communication, etc. with your ex.

I know it's a cold comfort when you are just missing him, and the love, and the companionship. But it did help me, a bit, to realize there had been problems the whole time.

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I wonder if anyone will look at me that way again, or rather, anyone who I feel that way about will look at me that way again.
This is a huge stumbling block for me. I was single, some casual dating here and there, for a long stretch before I met my ex. I'm actually pretty independent, and pretty content being single. So, meeting someone like my ex- with so much in common, who was so fun and sweet, and who seemed to love me SO much- well, I do wonder if I will find that again. Sigh. No advice on that front, I'm afraid.

I just found out that my younger son, who is still in college, got accepted into a really competitive summer program. So instead of having him home for the entire summer, it will be a couple of weeks at the beginning and at the end. Last summer with my ex was amazing- we traveled, camped, hung out on the deck and grilled, just a lot of wonderful times. My younger son was home for the summer and really enjoyed hanging out with the ex, too. I'm really going to buckle down over the next week or 2 and figure out what I can do to still have a good summer. Time for some brand new activities, I think.

Hang in there.
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Old 2nd March 2017, 9:38 AM   #26
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Hi Newheart-

Wow, that must have been hard, re-living the memory of that conversation with your daughter. Ugh. I am still at the place where I ruthlessly push all happy memories away. It hurts too much. A few weeks ago a friend of mine (he lives far away and we mostly communicate via text) was in town for dinner and I was telling him the breakup story. I was lamenting, in general terms, how great everything had been, etc.

Later that night he texted me and told me to go and read some of our texts from a year ago, 9 months ago, 6 months ago. I did, and it was pretty eye-opening. I had been stressed about certain things in my ex's and I's relationship throughout the entire history of it. His inability to plan as far ahead as even the next weekend, his "younger" lifestyle, how he sometimes seemed "out of sight, out of mind" in his relating to me. It was weird reading those things, because in the aftermath of the break-up, everything was perfect and wonderful, and now it was over.

But for, it was helpful to see that those same issues that I had complained about to my friend throughout the relationship were the ones that ended it. They never went away.

When I look at your older posts, I see the same pattern. The communication, etc. with your ex.

I know it's a cold comfort when you are just missing him, and the love, and the companionship. But it did help me, a bit, to realize there had been problems the whole time.

This is a huge stumbling block for me. I was single, some casual dating here and there, for a long stretch before I met my ex. I'm actually pretty independent, and pretty content being single. So, meeting someone like my ex- with so much in common, who was so fun and sweet, and who seemed to love me SO much- well, I do wonder if I will find that again. Sigh. No advice on that front, I'm afraid.

I just found out that my younger son, who is still in college, got accepted into a really competitive summer program. So instead of having him home for the entire summer, it will be a couple of weeks at the beginning and at the end. Last summer with my ex was amazing- we traveled, camped, hung out on the deck and grilled, just a lot of wonderful times. My younger son was home for the summer and really enjoyed hanging out with the ex, too. I'm really going to buckle down over the next week or 2 and figure out what I can do to still have a good summer. Time for some brand new activities, I think.

Hang in there.
Hi Jenny,

Thinking of the "good memories" is extremely painful - I wish I could push the memories away! I have the problem when I focus on all of his good. I sit and think often ... even the simple things like falling asleep together. It sounds silly, but those were some of my favorite, most cherished moments when we'd lay together and whisper about our day and our plans, and how lucky we were to have found each other.

Your friends observation though, there is truth to that too, and it was excellent of him to point that out to you. I think when a relationship ends, sometimes we tend to romanticize it - I look at my XBF as the person I've loved the most in my life (and this part is true), but he wasn't perfect, there were times I felt neglected by him. I have to remind myself that I had a lot of anxiety through this entire relationship, in part caused by his avoidant behavior. I took responsibility for my anxiety the entire time (rationalizing it by saying: oh, I love him so much and it is because he is the right person I am afraid of losing that is causing this anxiety, not ever considering that he may be the wrong person for me)

I saw a quote recently which said something along the lines of: If loving the wrong person felt this good, imagine how it will feel when you love the right person. I try to keep reminding myself of this.

There are times though, when I still wonder if he really was the wrong person. I have to be honest, sometimes I read things here on LS about people's bad dates or relationships and I think that while XBF was a terrible communicator and is D/A, he was (most of the time) a wonderful person who I was lucky to have known, who I had some of the best times with. If I accepted his communication styles and figured out ways to work with it, could we have lived 'happily ever after?' (You know what I mean) I have these fleeting thoughts occasionally.

Btw, like you, before this I was very independent. I was actually HAPPY with my single life, I wasn't looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with! I was just dabbling in dating here and there as 'something to do' when the kids were away. Then, I fell in love, and now suddenly I am in this place where I can't imagine living the rest of my life without this connection with someone. Right now, that saying "better to have loved and lost" is not resonating with me at all, I almost wish I never experienced what I had with him because I wouldn't know what I was missing out on. Does that make sense?

I too will have some summer related sadness ... we spent a good chunk of our summer kayaking together, hiking, went camping (my first time) which is one of my favorite memories of him. I have signed up for some volunteer work related to the outdoors, and I hope that it doesn't trigger me.

Congrats to your son! You must be very proud of him.

Thank you, again, Jenny. I really appreciate your posts and helping me get through this.
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Old 2nd March 2017, 9:49 AM   #27
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I had a long day yesterday, and got home later than usual last night which was probably a good thing because it limited the time I had to ruminate. Last night was four weeks exactly since the last time I saw him, sat next to him, kissed him goodbye.

Then, I was supposed to see him the next evening and I didn't. He never texted me that he was home from work on time, I wasn't clear that we actually had plans, and we talked it out and he seemed fine with it. He apologized for not being clear, he said he felt bad that sometimes I come over for only a couple hours and he is tired so he feels like it is a waste of my time. I told him it was never ever a waste spending time with him (and it truly wasn't, even if I saw him for an hour). We spent the next hour and a half on the phone talking ... we had plans for Saturday, everything seemed fine. Last night, me dissecting everything (again) I wondered if his sudden pull away Saturday (and his comment that I "wedge him in between my plans") was a delayed passive aggressive response to me not coming over Thursday night. What would have happened if I went to his house that night? It is impossible to know, and I suppose it doesn't really matter. I suppose this eventually would have happened anyway, right?

Took only half a sleeping pill last night, and dreamed that we got back together. #*)@*($_@#_$(@#)$(#% So ... I am not ready to wean myself off yet, lol.

I have an all day work event Saturday, son is having a friend sleep over Saturday night, so at least I will be distracted this weekend.
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Old 2nd March 2017, 11:24 PM   #28
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Hi Newheart-

Itís so freaking hard, going through those old interactions and discussions. I do it too. I actually talked with a therapist last night. I reached out, probably during the 2nd or 3rd week after the break-up when I was in absolute agony- felt it was impacting my work (it was) and just feeling so low. Due to her schedule and mine, last night was the first time we could meet. It was interesting/horrible/good. Despite feeling better these days, as soon as she asked me to tell her about the relationship (we had a very brief phone consult when we set up the appointment, so she knew it was relationship related) I started sobbing and probably didnít stop for the whole hour. Yikes.

A couple of things I took away, that may or may not be interesting to you:

Because I had been single for so long before our relationship is why I am feeling so devastated right now. The fact that I was ďcasually datingĒ means I did want to meet someone. And I did- and it was like all those old pipes got flushed out in a rush. I was bombarded with love, affection, sex, companionship, etc. She said that this pain I feel is like my heart cracking open again. Oof.

We talked a bit about my feelings about my kids being launched into the world, and how I didnít know what to do with myself next, and meeting someone, and being a couple took that weight off my shoulders, because I didnít have to think about that- I could just think, well, Iím with (ex)- thatís my future! And now that weight is back, because I do have to think about what I want to do, now that ďactiveĒ parenting is coming to an end.

We discussed how (cue huge sobbing) because my ex is very conflict-avoidant (he never once brought up any issues in the relationship) and also most likely very commitment-phobic (50, never married or lived with a gf, stated he felt like he just didnít want to take anyone elseís feelings into consideration when he made choices, etc) that he will most likely not contact me again. And that he is probably sad, but also relieved. And that makes me feel horrible right now, but is much better in the long run. So hard to accept that.

That we were seeing the relationship through 2 different lenses. When he did stuff like meet my family, and bring me around his, and encourage me to become close with his friends, etc- he was doing what felt good in that exact moment. For me, it was a ďsignĒ that he did want a future, and a life together, and that is a huge disappointment.

She asked me at one point what I felt I had contributed to the relationship ending (if anything). I told her a bunch of things I regret- that I over-reacted at times, and didnít communicate well at times, and was too critical about some stuff. She listened to it all without comment, and at the end, said- ĎI have been a therapist for 15 years, and all of your mistakes rank pretty low on things that kill relationships. If there are two healthy people who want the relationship to progress, and can confront and talk through issues, then those things are non-issue and are resolved with a healthy, open conversation.í That did bring me a bit of relief.

It was emotionally exhausting! But I made another appointment- I think it will be good to talk things out with her, at least for a while. One concrete piece of advice she did give me- when I start thinking about things and going in circles, she said to say out loud ďWhat purpose does this serve?Ē LOL- I said that quite a few times today, and you know, it did help me move on in that moment.

Thanks for allowing me to hijack your thread so often. I hope you are hanging in there. Glad to hear you have a busy weekend coming up!
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Old 3rd March 2017, 2:13 PM   #29
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jenny987 View Post
Hi Newheart-

Itís so freaking hard, going through those old interactions and discussions. I do it too. I actually talked with a therapist last night. I reached out, probably during the 2nd or 3rd week after the break-up when I was in absolute agony- felt it was impacting my work (it was) and just feeling so low. Due to her schedule and mine, last night was the first time we could meet. It was interesting/horrible/good. Despite feeling better these days, as soon as she asked me to tell her about the relationship (we had a very brief phone consult when we set up the appointment, so she knew it was relationship related) I started sobbing and probably didnít stop for the whole hour. Yikes.

A couple of things I took away, that may or may not be interesting to you:

Because I had been single for so long before our relationship is why I am feeling so devastated right now. The fact that I was ďcasually datingĒ means I did want to meet someone. And I did- and it was like all those old pipes got flushed out in a rush. I was bombarded with love, affection, sex, companionship, etc. She said that this pain I feel is like my heart cracking open again. Oof.

We talked a bit about my feelings about my kids being launched into the world, and how I didnít know what to do with myself next, and meeting someone, and being a couple took that weight off my shoulders, because I didnít have to think about that- I could just think, well, Iím with (ex)- thatís my future! And now that weight is back, because I do have to think about what I want to do, now that ďactiveĒ parenting is coming to an end.

We discussed how (cue huge sobbing) because my ex is very conflict-avoidant (he never once brought up any issues in the relationship) and also most likely very commitment-phobic (50, never married or lived with a gf, stated he felt like he just didnít want to take anyone elseís feelings into consideration when he made choices, etc) that he will most likely not contact me again. And that he is probably sad, but also relieved. And that makes me feel horrible right now, but is much better in the long run. So hard to accept that.

That we were seeing the relationship through 2 different lenses. When he did stuff like meet my family, and bring me around his, and encourage me to become close with his friends, etc- he was doing what felt good in that exact moment. For me, it was a ďsignĒ that he did want a future, and a life together, and that is a huge disappointment.

She asked me at one point what I felt I had contributed to the relationship ending (if anything). I told her a bunch of things I regret- that I over-reacted at times, and didnít communicate well at times, and was too critical about some stuff. She listened to it all without comment, and at the end, said- ĎI have been a therapist for 15 years, and all of your mistakes rank pretty low on things that kill relationships. If there are two healthy people who want the relationship to progress, and can confront and talk through issues, then those things are non-issue and are resolved with a healthy, open conversation.í That did bring me a bit of relief.

It was emotionally exhausting! But I made another appointment- I think it will be good to talk things out with her, at least for a while. One concrete piece of advice she did give me- when I start thinking about things and going in circles, she said to say out loud ďWhat purpose does this serve?Ē LOL- I said that quite a few times today, and you know, it did help me move on in that moment.

Thanks for allowing me to hijack your thread so often. I hope you are hanging in there. Glad to hear you have a busy weekend coming up!
Hi Jenny,

I don't feel like you are hijacking my thread - it is really helpful to go through this side by side with someone (as much as it sucks, too!)

I am glad to hear you spoke with someone. It sounds like, while difficult to discuss, it was productive to you. It feels good to gain some insight as to why we feel the way we do, or at least to know we aren't crazy. I can understand your simultaneous sadness and relief from understanding that we will never hear from our avoidant ex-partners again ... although right now I am more sadness. I have to keep reminding myself though, I don't want to be in a relationship with someone whose connection is so shallow to me that he can just walk away and never return.

Happy Friday!
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Old 4th March 2017, 6:44 AM   #30
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I'm having a hard time this morning. My heart feels like there's a void, an emptiness;I 'm low on hope, I don't understand why I'm not just as deserving of love. How have I been so stupid or blind to not see this? It feels difficult to breathe.
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