Heartbreak

[Kwacker39]

Hi everyone , this is my first ever post on any kind of relationship type forum so be gentle with me . I am a 49 year old man who is married to a 44 year old woman . We have been together 21 years and have 2 great boys of 11 and 17 years old . The last 2 years of our marriage have been difficult , my wife has been keeping me at arms length and it has been obvious she has been struggling with her happiness . I have tried to get her to open up to me and I have asked her many times what's wrong . There has always been an excuse , ie I'm stressed at work , it's my time of month , my boss has been having a go at me . Around the middle of January this year I found she had been looking at how much money she could borrow to get a mortgage , a few weeks later I found some notes from a man who works at her office which had been left on her car - he was asking to take her for coffee. She said there was nothing in it , she hadn't taken up the offer . Another few weeks pass and I find a series of messages on Facebook messenger from another man at her work ( they are all police officers!) - these messages are sexual in nature and although she doesn't reciprocate the innuendoes , she doesn't tell him to go to hell i'm married either ! I confront her and she tells me he's just a friend to her and she's done nothing to encourage him and that she will break contact with him . Meanwhile she has been diagnosed with depression and is getting treatment through her doctor and therapy sessions at her work - I vow to help and support her through it all . After her 2nd therapy session she tells me her depression has been brought on because she's not happy in our marriage so we both agree to go to counselling . On our first counselling session she says the classic words I no longer love you in '' that '' way . It's a devastating thing to hear but I say surely we can try to salvage our marriage for our kids and for the 21 years we have shared . We go to another counselling but it's obvious she doesn't want to try anymore so I have to agree that we are going to split up and all the implications that brings - telling the kids , sorting selling our house and dividing possessions . Then 4 days ago she comes home after being out all evening and starts crying and tells me she has been meeting up with the guy who was sending her the sex texts - she has met him on numerous occasions and has kissed him but nothing else yet - yeh right ! I'm obviously absolutely gutted , shocked , heartbroken etc etc that she could do this to me after everything we have been through together . I am sure her depression has clouded her judgement but she is insistent that she doesn't love me and wants to separate - and tbh I can't and won't take her back after what she has done - it turns out she was seeing this guy while we were going to counselling to supposedly mend our marriage ! Anyway the problem I now have is that she is seeing this man while we are still living together - we are putting the house up for sale but it will prob be months before its sold and we can move out . I've told her it's totally unacceptable to me and our kids to do this but she continues anyway . I haven't told our kids what she is up to yet but I'm so miserable at home while she is fine and carrying on as if nothing is wrong - should I tell our children that she has another man and that's why I'm struggling so much or am I being too selfish cos that would make me feel better to expose her lies ? All advice appreciated and thanks for sticking with this if you got to the end - bit of novel I know !

[LD1990]

I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm sure it's extremely painful. It sounds like you've been trying hard to make things work. I HIGHLY recommend you don't tell your kids that their mother is seeing someone else. That's a lot for a kid to handle, and really all you're doing is hurting them. They've got enough on their plate with their parents divorcing. Keep that to yourself, if they find out about anyone their mother is dating, let that be through her, not you.

[Kwacker39]

Thanks LD1990 - you are probably right . Things have moved on from even last night and I have been informed that my wife has been spotted holding hands and kissing this man in our local supermarket car park . I know now I have to get her to tell the kids herself exactly what's is going on - because if she doesn't , they are going to hear from another source and that would be even worse .

[fixing]

wow man. I am so sorry to hear this. I cannot fathom the emotional pain you must be experiencing.

 

From what you have written, my advice would be to move out of the house temporarily until the house gets sold and cut all contact with her apart from the obvious things like legal proceedings for the divorce.

 

You simply CANNOT stay living in the same house with her when she is seeing someone else. It will destroy your sole.

 

She has betrayed you in the most foulest of ways, and that other cop she is with is an utter scumbag. He would of course, know, that she is married. Some cop ey? Great moral compass he has there.

 

Seriously man, get out of the house asap. Even if you rent a bedsit until the house is sold. Split the house money and make yourself a new life.

 

As for the kids? I really don't know man. I suspect they are living with you both? I guess you may have to tell the wife to let them know rather then them finding out 3rd hand at a supermarket....

 

Stay posting here mate. This site is an amazing support network.

 

Stay strong man.

[keiji]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I experienced something similar with my ex-wife, but we didn't have kids, which I understand contributes enormously to your predicament. In my case, she cheated with two different guys, if that's some consolation, her current boyfriend on one hand and, on the other, MY CURRENT NEIGHBOR, whom I've been seeing see day in and day out for two years. Life can be incredibly ironic sometimes.

 

However, there's something here that doesn't quite fit, imo: how serious is her depression? I've gone down with depression once. It wasn't even a major depression, but believe me, the last thing I was interested in was a fling with anybody. It was hard enough to get out of the house to buy groceries (which I couldn't find space for in my stomach anyway). It's not my intention to deepen your pain, of course. All I'm saying is beware of a potential victimization/excuse from her where you end up feeling guilty or responsible for things that have absolutely nothing to do with you. When we're heartbroken we're not exactly experts at handling emotions and we are prone to believing the most unbelievable things.

 

Hang in there, keep your head high and keep posting! It's been great to me. I've gone from miserable four months ago to exuding happiness wherever I go (or so people tell me), and this forum must get a lot of credit for it.

Edited May 23, 2016 by keiji

[Kwacker39]

Thanks fixing and keiji for your comments and support it does help to know there are people out there willing to lend an ear and advice . The problem I have as far as moving out is I pay the majority of bills and the mortgage - I couldn't afford to pay rent for somewhere else and continue to pay the mortgage and there's no way my wife could afford our mortgage alone . Plus I am not willing to leave my kids . I've suggested she move into a flat or bedsit but she too doesn't want to leave the kids . As far as the police officer she is seeing , yeh you are right he has a great set of morals - he knew she was married with kids and he apparently has a partner and child who he lives with . I've wrote a letter to his superiors complaining of his behaviour , mind you I don't expect much to be done as they tend to close ranks and protect their own in the police forces . The depression she is suffering has been diagnosed by a doctor and her counsellor but I haven't been privvy to any of it so I only have her word on what's been said . She's on medication so that may be affecting her moods too . Looks like I've just got to stay strong for the moment and try not to get too down - my boys are my focus now and everything I do will be with their best interest at heart - thanks for listening and I'm trying to send you all warmth and good vibes !

[Alltohim]

This is tough to see or hear anyone go through stuff like this. If staying in the house is the best option for you, could you have your wife find an alternative living place to live. If indeed you and your wife are unable to find support through a counselor or pastor find time soon for a family meeting to discuss things with the kids. Since you have been paying the mortgage, would staying in the house with the kids help them alleviate the stress of so much change?

[Kwacker39]

Thanks Altohim , your idea is the one that makes the most sense at present - the problem is convincing my wife of it - we still haven't told the kids of her affair , just haven't had the chance yet and tbh I'm dreading it - but it has to be done because as I said before I can't let them hear that news from another source . I'm hoping when we are all at home tonight we can work through the issues - although I'm finding it difficult to even look at her at the moment I realise I must try to be civil for the kids sake . Thanks again for the advice .

[Kwacker39]

Well , it's done - I told her we had to tell the kids of her relationship with this other guy and although she squirmed and tried to get out of it , once I'd shown her there was no other way because of her lack of discretion , we went ahead and sat them down to tell them . It's a good job I insisted on being there because she was trying to tell them he was just emotional support and someone to talk to - I had to step in and say come on the truth - so she admitted to kissing him only - I didn't push it any further than that . Our youngest who's 11 seems relatively ok but I'm not sure about our 17 year old . Although I bet they will both take emotional scars with them because of this . I just hope now we've told them she doesn't think it's fine to flaunt this guy without reproach - I feel after 21 years i deserve better .

[fixing]

Well done man. That must have been extremely hard.

 

Of course you deserve better! That is why it is imperative that you get out of the house asap. Ideally, she should be leaving imo.

 

I almost feel that the cops wife should also know too but thats tricky. I just hate the thought of knowing that someone is being cheated on and they do not know about it. (Happened to me and I wish the people who had known. had told me).

 

Anyways man, fair play to you so far for being so strong. Your two kids are your pride and joy, thats the main thing.

 

She and that crooked other cop are welcome to one another.

[Kwacker39]

Thanks fixing , I think you are right regarding wanting to know if you are being cheated on . If I knew where this copper lived I would go round myself and tell his wife - but I only know the town he lives in , and I'm not about to start following or stalking people . Hopefully karma will eventually come round and he will know my pain because he will suffer it too - sounds harsh when I read that back cos I'm not one for revenge - but I'd make an exception for him ! As far as my life goes at the moment it really feels like a living nightmare but I know I just need to take one day at a time and hopefully I'll emerge the other end stronger and wiser for from this terrible experience . And at the moment I still have my kids , I just pray she can't take those from me too .

[fixing]

There is no way she can take your kids! Do you mean in a custody battle? Not a hope.

As soon as the judge is made aware that your wife who is a cop began cheating with another cop whilst living under the same roof as you and your kids, he/she will be siding with you 95% imo.

 

Yes, you are right, stalking him to find out where he lives would be stooping to his scummy level for sure.

 

Look, like with your situation, she will find out for herself and God help her when she learns her 'cool and righteous' copper husband is a cheat.

 

Karma, well, imo, it does exist. I'm a firm believer in history and when phrases such as 'what goes around comes around' have been going around for centuries, I tend to believe it to be true.

 

But, you are the better man here. Let those two rats at eachother. They are beneath you.

 

Rooting for you man, and of course you will come back a stronger better person for it. But, unfortunetly, it will take alot of time to heal from this so you got to be really good to yourself and your kids right now.

Start taking up old hobbies, or make new hobbies. Little trips away with the kids.

 

Good luck man.

[Kwacker39]

Again , thanks for your support fixings - it's strange but it means a lot to have a neutrals perspective on things . I mean I know I have done nothing wrong apart from failing to spot the signs and being too trusting - in fact my wife's own mother has fallen out with her big time for what she is doing to me . I'm still finding it really tough at times to believe this is actually happening . But you are right about hobbies etc - I love motorbikes and got rid of my last one a few years ago , think I'll b getting another ! More fishing an golf with my boys too as well as some mountain biking . Lots to look forward to and trying not to look back too much !

[keiji]

Again , thanks for your support fixings - it's strange but it means a lot to have a neutrals perspective on things . I mean I know I have done nothing wrong apart from failing to spot the signs and being too trusting - in fact my wife's own mother has fallen out with her big time for what she is doing to me . I'm still finding it really tough at times to believe this is actually happening . But you are right about hobbies etc - I love motorbikes and got rid of my last one a few years ago , think I'll b getting another ! More fishing an golf with my boys too as well as some mountain biking . Lots to look forward to and trying not to look back too much !

 

Definitely get that bike. Give yourself a little treat. I found driving my old Vespas along the coast incredibly relaxing after the breakup. Every time the images of her cheating haunted me, I got one and just drove. It can be really therapeutic.

 

You're the good guy here, no question about that, so yes, karma will take charge of them sooner or later. Also, it's not a good idea to stalk a copper or do anything that might turn against you. Let them "be happy". That unhealthy relationship of theirs will last about two seconds.

[Kwacker39]

Yeh cheers keiji - you are right , I will try to move on and just let them get on with it - I hope karma prevails - in the meantime I'll try and keep me and my boys busy and happy . Many thanks for your continued support .

[Jersey born raised]

This is the first commandment for BS snd is actually for human life.

 

It is not your spouses adultery that defines you, it is your reaction to it going forward.

 

Do not sugar coat the WS actions to your children. That does not mean referring to her disrespectfully. It means being firm that you will not be treated like this and going forwarded in life neither should they, nor should they ever treat someone like this. The concept of dropping the mike sums it up.

 

Dropping the mike (I did not write, posted by another)*

 

 

Do it for you. Trust me, at some point you are going to wish that you had that moment to just call her out on her cheating. I mean a simple opener like, "Since you felt guilty about the things you did with the true love of your life while we were married, I want to set you free."*

 

I am a fan of "dropping the mike". A euphemism here for saying all that needs to be said. A quick, cool, and calculated confrontation followed by a plan of action is the most devastating thing you can do. AFTER YOU HAVE HIRED THE LAWYER and followed their advice on locking down finances, etc.*

 

If you are allowed to separate the money early, get what ever keepsakes you want ready to take, get credit cards separated and no longer joint obligations so she can rack up debt, etc., do it. She will go for the credit cards to hire a lawyer and they need to be cancelled. That can happen in a day or two before you drop the bomb. Same with bank accounts, and lines of credit. Then Drop the mike.

 

Seriously, with the confrontation she is shocked at discovery, with the divorce filed she is rocked with immediate consequences, and with none of your money to use against you, she is already in the losing position. If she has her own money, fine. She just can't use yours against you. That is how the "mike is dropping works .*

 

This link to a thread here is the best I've seen on the 180. Read it, be it,

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

Edited June 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[Jersey born raised]

Have you exposed to friends and family? Some may say why. The answer is the OM is already in your marriage and destroyed it. Do not allow him to stay in your divorce. He will only be her cheerleader telling her she should get more, that you are evil and deserve to be treated harshly. Read this Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums.

 

Finally the posm is a cop. Yes you wrote his superiors, but others need to know as well. You need to protect yourself from a potential abuse of power.

Not because it will happen but because of his ability to make it happen if he decides to.

 

So, yes your sons need to know who it is.

[Kwacker39]

Thanks jerseybornraised - some really good points . Thankfully , we have no joint credit cards or bank accounts ( mainly cos I paid for most things !) . The OM is exposed to our families and some close friends , I was waiting for her to tell the kids before I let it become common knowledge , now that is done anyone who asks I will tell the truth - although I still find it hurtful to do so . I still haven't hired a lawyer , believing we can sort any finances amicably - however I must admit I am changing my mind cos I think she will be getting guided and advised down that route . The 180 is definitely the way forward for me , even though some of its rules don't apply as there is no way I want my wife to come back to me - how could I ever and why would I want to trust someone who has lied and cheated for at least the last 9 months ?! We are on a public holiday here in England today , tomorrow I think my first port of call will be to seek legal advice . Thanks again for your continued support during what is the worst and most testing time of my life .

[Jersey born raised]

Do not let your wife tell the kids. At the very least be present, she as mislead you from the start, with help and advise from the posm. He is a cop right?

 

The good news is once **** hits the fan he will disappear, but the **** needs to hit the fan. I strongly suggest you error on the side of fear when dealing with her until the paper work is finalized. Buy a VAR and use it.

 

Do not leave the home for any reason. If possible buy her out. The house is your sons home, keep it. Start thinking about custody, child support, asset division, and spousal support.

 

By the way exposure and the 180 are not about winning a spouse back, they are to help you detach and gain clarity. Some stats suggest in cases like your's (with the WS being the WS) reconciliation occurs about 15 percent of the time.

 

Be prepared for the worst, hope for the best.

[Kwacker39]

We have told the kids a few days ago - I insisted on being present and a good job I did - she was trying to say this copper was just a friend she was using for emotional support , until I interjected to say ' come on the truth ' - then she would only admit to kissing him - I didn't push it any further for fear of an argument in front of the kids . I am now considering sitting them down without her being present just to explain that the way their mum is behaving is totally unacceptable and for them not to think that it is ok to treat a partner in this way - I just don't want to appear to be putting the boot in to their mum cos I do want them falling out with her , I just need them to know this isn't how relationships should work

I like - be prepared and expect the worse and anything else is a bonus so to speak - it's gonna be a long painful road , the crap and heartbreak so far suffered has been more than I realised I could endure but I'm still standing , she hasn't broken me yet !!

[Kwacker39]

Just a quick update - I haven't spoken or really even looked at her for around 5 days - she has had a go at me once because I wouldn't help her with her cell phone problems - the atmosphere in the house is not the best when we are both around , thankfully the house is big enough that we can keep to seperate rooms . I think I should continue with this policy , however am I better off being more sociable just so the kids don't feel the tension ? Any advice people ?

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

Did you read the link to exsposure I gave you? You children need to know the truth about the relationship and the truth about his relationship with his GF/W.

They do not need graphic details and blow by blows, just:

 

"The that emotional connection your mother speaks about is rooted in a sexual connection as well".

 

From what I read CA divorce laws can be very cut and dry. Have you seen an attorney?

 

Part of the 180 is to be polite, diplomatic, firm and at times cheerful. Your wife's response to not helping with the cell phone needed to be turned down politely and it is good you did so.

 

I at times hear the WS speak of still being friends. No, that is gone. She has proven not to be able to be a friend. It comes down to the difference of a parasitic vs a symbiotic relationship. At this time any "friendship" with her would be parasitic. If it helps use that terminology with your sons and wife.

 

What you can do is be allied with her in the matter of co-parenting and only co-parenting. You need to stay active in your sons life. They are at a point that in many ways need a strong, involved father in their lives than a mother. Look of the stats for what the effects are when a father is not present.

[fixing]

The thing is man, is that this bad atmosphere will seep into the lives of your two sons very quickly and have very negative impacts on them.

 

I know its a ****ty hand to have been dealt and that she turned out to be a deceitful cow, but, some kind of arrangement needs to be made with regards to you two being separated.

 

She of course, should be the one to leave.

 

Anyways, I know you stated this would be difficult. But thought I need to reiterate it.

 

Stay strong mate and chin up!

[Kwacker39]

Yes got the link JBR - thanks . The boys are aware of the situation but I need to sit them down without her just to explain how this isn't how relationships should be etc . I live in England so our laws are different than u.s.a as far as seperation and divorce go - my problem is I really don't want and don't think that it's a good idea to sell our house because it will be more trauma for the kids . My wife however is very keen to get this done so she can settle some personal debts and then buy a flat . However, as fixing points out its a strained atmosphere at the mo for them to deal with in the house . I have therefore decided I must be more civil ( not necessarily friendly ) to her so that the feelings within the house are eased . I would ideally like to stay in the house with the boys until my youngest finishes school in 5 years but that is impossible with her still living here - and therein lies the issue - she won't move out which makes things very difficult for me - bit of a stalemate in which I'm unsure as what to do and what will be best for my boys long term .

Do I agree to sell the house , give her what she wants but upset the boys further by making them move and split custody between us ? Or do I dig my heels in and tell her I won't sell the house so as the boys have a more stable platform to continue their schooling ?

[fixing]

I think you need to sell the house. It will be much better in the long term (although difficult emotionally in the short term).

 

You won't be able to be amicable for 5 years imo.

 

Try to think on the positive side of it. New house. New adventure, for both you and the kids.

 

I can tell you that when I was 10 (In England) my mother bought a new house and moved us in and it was the best thing that could have ever happened. (Though it should have been much sooner).

 

Lived in a broken household for 3 years with the parents and the atmosphere, and arguing up until the move had detrimental affects on me and my siblings.

 

Look it like this. You will be providing them and yourself a new start, new adventure and a brand new chapter in life.

 

Fair play to you for being so strong and keeping it together so well!