Trying to Cope. GIGS/Rebound/ Over??

[seala8]

My current ex and I met last June, became friends and started hanging out and eventually had feelings. We started dating aound August. Yes we have had our ups and downs with arguments but nothing really bad. December comes around and shes moves out into an aptarment with her sister. Around this time i could sense she wasn't happy, she was becoming more distant, so i gave her space to find herself and hang out with her girlfriends.

 

Fast forward to February, we breakup the first week, she goes on a date 5 days later and tells me she wanted to know if she could feel it again. I go 10 days no contact with her. She reaches out to me (middle of Feb) and says she wants to work on things and I agree, or so I thought. Things were going well as we were trying to plan a vacation, talking about moving in when her lease was up, she looks me in the eyes and tell me I dont know what it is but she loves me.

 

 

Now 1st week of march rolls around and we get into a big fight about this vacation and she says we should stop speaking as of March 15 (I had a gut feeling there was someone else). Yes, I made the mistake of acting needy and clingy and try and express my feelings. Once again i go no contact till March 27, she goes home for Easter and her Dad asks about me and her reply was that its over and done. That night she goes out and posts a new profile pic with another guy. The next day I get a long "closure" text from her, stating she doesn't ever want to speak about us again because it doesnt exist, there was more bad than good, she loves me but isnt in love with me, she is genuinly happy with where she is at in life right now (even though nothing had changed) and it would be the last message i recieve from her, maybe we can sit down in a few months and talk, we dont know what the future holds. She proceeds to block me on facebook and instagram. They becamse "facebook official" April 16.

 

I have implied NO Contact from this point forward. From that day forward she and her new man have been posting pics of themselves together to whatever they go to. They had gone on a trip as well.

 

Me and him are complete opposites, physically, career wise, mentally. Im having an extremely difficult time letting go. This girl has turned my life upside down. She has done things for me that no other female has in my life including my mother. When we were togheter everything was great, the best time ive had in my life.

 

Today is exactly 5 weeks of no contact and ive not heard a word from her, im guessin because she has a bf. I've come a long way since the break up mentally, physcially and emotionally. I still want her back in my life. I know most you will say move on and I am trying my hardest. Im seeing a therapist and sorting out my past issues and the issues I think caused the breakup. Ive grown alot in this time and I know my ex would be extremely proud of me and that deep down she still has some feelings. I feel as though she will never give me the opportunity to see these changes in me and possibly reconcile. Especially now that she is so caught up in this new bf, they have been dating since March and they follow each other around everywhere. She bartends so he and his friends go there, He is a DJ, when he has gigs she goes there. Since they started dating I dont even know what type of person she has become every fri and sat night is spent out (bartending or at a club) till 3-4am. Its like she completely flipped the script compared to when we were together.,

 

edit- I am 27 going on 28, She is 26 going on 27, new bf is 24 going on 25 all this year

 

Sorry for the length, Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[ExpatInItaly]

How do you know so much about their habits and whereabouts?

 

I ask because you still have too much information about her life, which in itself will hold you back from moving on.

 

Also, why did you break up?

[seala8]

How do you know so much about their habits and whereabouts?

 

I ask because you still have too much information about her life, which in itself will hold you back from moving on.

 

Also, why did you break up?

 

Her father and I are very close, he is divorced and has been giving me advice on how to cope and what actions to take. His best advice is that its most likely a rebound and won't last, but to disappear as abscense makes the heart grow fonder, and when the time is right he will explain to her that i was her go to guy and always there for her and cared. He would like nothing more than see us together because he knows that I am a great guy and she prob wont find another like me.

 

Her reasons for the breakup were- she doesn't want to be tied down, she wants to "live in the moment", she loves me but isnt in love with me anymore, it wasn't worth it for her to fight for the relatinshp and she wasnt happy. Towards the end we fought alot more over little things that I consider insignificant

[seala8]

forgot to add to OP-

 

The new BF and his ex of 3.5 years broke up roughly(wihtin a couple weeks, his was first) around the same time that me and my ex broke up

[ExpatInItaly]

Her father and I are very close, he is divorced and has been giving me advice on how to cope and what actions to take. His best advice is that its most likely a rebound and won't last, but to disappear as abscense makes the heart grow fonder, and when the time is right he will explain to her that i was her go to guy and always there for her and cared. He would like nothing more than see us together because he knows that I am a great guy and she prob wont find another like me.

 

Her reasons for the breakup were- she doesn't want to be tied down, she wants to "live in the moment", she loves me but isnt in love with me anymore, it wasn't worth it for her to fight for the relatinshp and she wasnt happy. Towards the end we fought alot more over little things that I consider insignificant

 

Ok, this a huge part of your problem.

 

You aren't No Contact if her dad is your shoulder to cry on. You're not moving on because you are way too close to her, via her father. That's not helping and it's not right; she doesn't need her dad meddling in her relationship when she is this age. He doesn't get a say (much as he would probably like!) so it's important you don't pin any hopes on that. I know I wouldn't have reacted well at her age if my dad had tried to convince me to return to an ex.

 

If you really want a shot at healing, you have to cut ties with Dear Ol' Dad too.

 

Honestly, if you only started dating in August and she was already losing feelings by February, she wasn't all that in love to begin with. That might sound blunt but it's true. You weren't together long enough to have formed the deep bond need to be "the go-to guy." For us women, that takes a lot longer and she already knew she wasn't invested as much as you were.

 

Your best bet is realize it's over and start healing. For real, without her Dad's help. That's not to say she'll never come back. She might. But it certainly won't be because her father talked her into it. You aren't doing yourself any favors right now. Go real, 100% No Contact. That will take you in the right direction, so you win regardless of whether or not she comes back into your life at some point.

[seala8]

Ok, this a huge part of your problem.

 

You aren't No Contact if her dad is your shoulder to cry on. You're not moving on because you are way too close to her, via her father. That's not helping and it's not right; she doesn't need her dad meddling in her relationship when she is this age. He doesn't get a say (much as he would probably like!) so it's important you don't pin any hopes on that. I know I wouldn't have reacted well at her age if my dad had tried to convince me to return to an ex.

 

If you really want a shot at healing, you have to cut ties with Dear Ol' Dad too.

 

Honestly, if you only started dating in August and she was already losing feelings by February, she wasn't all that in love to begin with. That might sound blunt but it's true. You weren't together long enough to have formed the deep bond need to be "the go-to guy." For us women, that takes a lot longer and she already knew she wasn't invested as much as you were.

 

Your best bet is realize it's over and start healing. For real, without her Dad's help. That's not to say she'll never come back. She might. But it certainly won't be because her father talked her into it. You aren't doing yourself any favors right now. Go real, 100% No Contact. That will take you in the right direction, so you win regardless of whether or not she comes back into your life at some point.

 

In the beginning of our actual relationship. She was 100% invested and I wasn't as much. As we progressed the tables started turning where I was 100% and she was drifting away. I attributed it to her financial issues, moving, just life changes in general

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

Unfortunately I have to give you bad but truthful news: your relationship and chapter with her is finished at the current moment. When it comes to relationships, I say "never say never". But honestly if I was in your shoes, I'd have too much resentment. She left you TWICE to broaden her horizons, except the second time she never came back. She doesn't sound emotionally mature and you guys were together for a year I believe, imagine how'd she be several years down the road when feelings get even stronger. If she's done this twice already, she'll do it more in the future. It sucks, but she's one of those girls that just doesn't know what she truly wants.

 

Keep talking to a therapist, stay optimistic about moving on and keep yourself busy. All important things. Start giving yourself 'ammo' by thinking of her having sex with this guy, ENJOYING it and preferring him over you. It makes you angry, makes you jealous, gives you resentment. These thoughts can help you get over her in anger rather than dwell on her in sadness. That's how I've been keeping myself together after I got dumped, I no longer feel sadness.

Trust me friend, if you were able to find this girl, you WILL find others. Maybe the next girl you'll fall even harder for, maybe you might have to go through a few girls until you find that special one. Life is full of mystery, but don't let this one girl ruin everything for you.

[ExpatInItaly]

In the beginning of our actual relationship. She was 100% invested and I wasn't as much. As we progressed the tables started turning where I was 100% and she was drifting away. I attributed it to her financial issues, moving, just life changes in general

 

The only thing that really matters is that she no longer feels that way. It happens. Sometimes we just realize this person isn't the right match. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. She just knew she wasn't interested in taking it further.

 

It's hard, but you need to start moving on. She already has.

[seala8]

Long story short, I (27) met this girl (26) in June, started dating in August. She moved out on her own in December. We broke up in beg February and she strung me along till middle of March, keeping me on the side essentially if i didnt workout. I was dumb enough not to realize or see it. Basically broke up with me to pursue another relationship with one of her friends whom had a girlfriend while we were dating. They have been "dating" since end of Feb/Beg of March and are "facebook official" as of April 16, which is exactly 1 month after she told me we should stop speaking. Ive read the GIGS thread and she fits the description to a T. She loves me but not in love, doesn't want to be tied down, maybe we can sit down in 6 months and figure things out, I can tell shes not as emotionally mature as I am, she wants to live in the moment. The people she is hanging around with now are 2-3 years younger than her

 

Ive been no contact for 5 weeks now. Its hard for me to belive that she has no feelings for me as Ive done so much for this girl. I gave her a place to live when she had no where to go, was always there for her whenver she needed help or things were going bad. Ive come a LONG way since the first 2 weeks of no contact, I still have my good days and bad days. It seems as there is no end in sight with their relationship and I really care about this girl.

 

Ive been going to a therapist, he states, most likely she still has feelings thats why she completely blocked you out, she hasnt introduced this kid to her parents yet because she knows it wont work longs term, something significant has to happen for her to get knocked back to reality. He suggest that bumping into her might stir up some emotions within her.

 

Im getting the itch to try and open the lines of communication however i do not want to set myself up or take any steps backwards. Its just a matter of time until I run into as she bartends at a place that I go to alot during the summer.

 

I know most will say move on, and trust me I am doing my best and it is taking time, but what else can i do? I also have been reading that the Dumper should be the one reaching out. I would truly like to "win" her back and have her in my life but i feel like since i am out of sight i am out of mind. Wouldnt the best way to get back together would be to start a friendship first? How would that be possible since she has this boyfriend who is the exact opposite of me?

[seala8]

The only thing that really matters is that she no longer feels that way. It happens. Sometimes we just realize this person isn't the right match. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. She just knew she wasn't interested in taking it further.

 

It's hard, but you need to start moving on. She already has.

 

Thats the part I do not belive. The week before we broke up, she looks me in the eyes and tells me i dont know what it is but i love you and want to marry me, we were talking about moving in togetehr in this coming december and possibly buying a house in a few years.

[basil67]

When saying things like this, it's quite possible she was really trying to encourage her feelings for you. A 'fake it till you make it' thing. Quite unfair on you really.

 

Fact is, actions speak louder than words. If she really wanted to be with you, then she would be.

 

Please take the excellent advice given to you so far.

[LD1990]

She may have been thinking that at the time, but people change their minds. We all make many promises and talk about things over the course of a relationship. Things change. Her actions now tell you all you need to know. She has a new boyfriend. She hasn't contacted you in over a month. And ExpatInItaly is right, if you started dating in August and she became unsure of her feelings for you so soon, this wasn't a relationship that was gonna last anyway.

 

Trying to start a friendship with her is the worst thing you could do. It's just gonna prevent you from healing and moving on with your life. Even if she was receptive to being friends with you, which is highly unlikely, she's not gonna all of a sudden change her opinion of you because you're her friend. She'll just treat you as a friend. You've got to move on here.

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

Long story short, I (27) met this girl (26) in June, started dating in August. She moved out on her own in December. We broke up in beg February and she strung me along till middle of March, keeping me on the side essentially if i didnt workout. I was dumb enough not to realize or see it. Basically broke up with me to pursue another relationship with one of her friends whom had a girlfriend while we were dating. They have been "dating" since end of Feb/Beg of March and are "facebook official" as of April 16, which is exactly 1 month after she told me we should stop speaking. Ive read the GIGS thread and she fits the description to a T. She loves me but not in love, doesn't want to be tied down, maybe we can sit down in 6 months and figure things out, I can tell shes not as emotionally mature as I am, she wants to live in the moment. The people she is hanging around with now are 2-3 years younger than her

 

Ive been no contact for 5 weeks now. Its hard for me to belive that she has no feelings for me as Ive done so much for this girl. I gave her a place to live when she had no where to go, was always there for her whenver she needed help or things were going bad. Ive come a LONG way since the first 2 weeks of no contact, I still have my good days and bad days. It seems as there is no end in sight with their relationship and I really care about this girl.

 

Ive been going to a therapist, he states, most likely she still has feelings thats why she completely blocked you out, she hasnt introduced this kid to her parents yet because she knows it wont work longs term, something significant has to happen for her to get knocked back to reality. He suggest that bumping into her might stir up some emotions within her.

 

Im getting the itch to try and open the lines of communication however i do not want to set myself up or take any steps backwards. Its just a matter of time until I run into as she bartends at a place that I go to alot during the summer.

 

I know most will say move on, and trust me I am doing my best and it is taking time, but what else can i do? I also have been reading that the Dumper should be the one reaching out. I would truly like to "win" her back and have her in my life but i feel like since i am out of sight i am out of mind. Wouldnt the best way to get back together would be to start a friendship first? How would that be possible since she has this boyfriend who is the exact opposite of me?

 

You know what? I dated a girl for 4 years, very happy and loving relationship. She has anxiety issues with meeting people, and for her to trust me was a big step for her. She doesn't like people and has a hard time getting attached to people. She used to call me things like her life changer, the best thing to ever happen to her, etc. She talked about a future and us moving in, called me and texted me everyday, things like that.

Well, 3 months ago she broke up with me. Her reasons was that she's confused, doesn't know what she wants, she's unhappy, and felt like she was forgetting who she was because of our relationship. Thing is, she never mentioned anything about falling out of love with me, another guy, or that she doesn't want me anymore. She even gave me false hope by saying "maybe a little down the road" and that she still loves me.

 

3 months has passed since the breakup, and she has not reached out to me once. Not once. Not even a breadcrumb of "how are you", just nothing. A month ago after 2 months of NC has passed, I asked if she would like to catch up; she replied 3 days later and said that she isn't ready for that, and we've been in NC again since. I don't plan on reaching out again and accepted that it's over and been trying to move on. It's hard, very hard. Each day however is progress, just don't cave in and let her come to you if anything is to work out.

[seala8]

You know what? I dated a girl for 4 years, very happy and loving relationship. She has anxiety issues with meeting people, and for her to trust me was a big step for her. She doesn't like people and has a hard time getting attached to people. She used to call me things like her life changer, the best thing to ever happen to her, etc. She talked about a future and us moving in, called me and texted me everyday, things like that.

Well, 3 months ago she broke up with me. Her reasons was that she's confused, doesn't know what she wants, she's unhappy, and felt like she was forgetting who she was because of our relationship. Thing is, she never mentioned anything about falling out of love with me, another guy, or that she doesn't want me anymore. She even gave me false hope by saying "maybe a little down the road" and that she still loves me.

 

3 months has passed since the breakup, and she has not reached out to me once. Not once. Not even a breadcrumb of "how are you", just nothing. A month ago after 2 months of NC has passed, I asked if she would like to catch up; she replied 3 days later and said that she isn't ready for that, and we've been in NC again since. I don't plan on reaching out again and accepted that it's over and been trying to move on. It's hard, very hard. Each day however is progress, just don't cave in and let her come to you if anything is to work out.

 

I think we might be dating the same girl. I got the same exact excuses. I know and her family knows she's making a bad decision by she doesn't care she wants to live for whatever makes her happy today. Unfortunately she never gave me the chance

[Holmes85]

My current ex and I met last June, became friends and started hanging out and eventually had feelings. We started dating aound August. Yes we have had our ups and downs with arguments but nothing really bad. December comes around and shes moves out into an aptarment with her sister. Around this time i could sense she wasn't happy, she was becoming more distant, so i gave her space to find herself and hang out with her girlfriends.

 

Fast forward to February, we breakup the first week, she goes on a date 5 days later and tells me she wanted to know if she could feel it again. I go 10 days no contact with her. She reaches out to me (middle of Feb) and says she wants to work on things and I agree, or so I thought. Things were going well as we were trying to plan a vacation, talking about moving in when her lease was up, she looks me in the eyes and tell me I dont know what it is but she loves me.

 

 

Now 1st week of march rolls around and we get into a big fight about this vacation and she says we should stop speaking as of March 15 (I had a gut feeling there was someone else). Yes, I made the mistake of acting needy and clingy and try and express my feelings. Once again i go no contact till March 27, she goes home for Easter and her Dad asks about me and her reply was that its over and done. That night she goes out and posts a new profile pic with another guy. The next day I get a long "closure" text from her, stating she doesn't ever want to speak about us again because it doesnt exist, there was more bad than good, she loves me but isnt in love with me, she is genuinly happy with where she is at in life right now (even though nothing had changed) and it would be the last message i recieve from her, maybe we can sit down in a few months and talk, we dont know what the future holds. She proceeds to block me on facebook and instagram. They becamse "facebook official" April 16.

 

I have implied NO Contact from this point forward. From that day forward she and her new man have been posting pics of themselves together to whatever they go to. They had gone on a trip as well.

 

Me and him are complete opposites, physically, career wise, mentally. Im having an extremely difficult time letting go. This girl has turned my life upside down. She has done things for me that no other female has in my life including my mother. When we were togheter everything was great, the best time ive had in my life.

 

Today is exactly 5 weeks of no contact and ive not heard a word from her, im guessin because she has a bf. I've come a long way since the break up mentally, physcially and emotionally. I still want her back in my life. I know most you will say move on and I am trying my hardest. Im seeing a therapist and sorting out my past issues and the issues I think caused the breakup. Ive grown alot in this time and I know my ex would be extremely proud of me and that deep down she still has some feelings. I feel as though she will never give me the opportunity to see these changes in me and possibly reconcile. Especially now that she is so caught up in this new bf, they have been dating since March and they follow each other around everywhere. She bartends so he and his friends go there, He is a DJ, when he has gigs she goes there. Since they started dating I dont even know what type of person she has become every fri and sat night is spent out (bartending or at a club) till 3-4am. Its like she completely flipped the script compared to when we were together.,

 

edit- I am 27 going on 28, She is 26 going on 27, new bf is 24 going on 25 all this year

 

Sorry for the length, Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Seala8,

 

Let me offer you some advice on this, because it does not how you look at it, the end result of is going to be the same.

 

Remember when you first started to have those doubts about her commitment? That was the first time you sensed something was wrong, this guy was in the picture long before then. Was she cheating on you physically? I don't know that, but she was definitely emotionally cheating on you.

 

Her mind was made up, she was going to dump you for this guy she is with now, as soon as the guy gave her the green signal and how high she was running on emotions, she broke up with you as miserably as she could. She wanted it to be done with, not because you were bad or something, but this guy is like Superman in her head, the best deal she can get and there is no one who is gonna in between her and her savior Superman, not a normal guy like you, I mean c'mon have you look at Superman?

 

Now here's the thing, it doesn't matter who the new guy is, whether it be Superman, Gandhi or Johnny Depp. The problems are gonna arrive in the relationship, the honeymoon is going to end, if this guy knows that she left you for him (That's brilliant), because he is gonna treat her like a piece of meat and move onto the next damsel in distress. And if he doesn't know that she left the relationship and immediately began another one with him, man he's gonna have a wakeup call someday, when she ditches him for the next best thing she precieves.

 

I can guarantee you one thing, if things go haywire between those 2, which I can guarantee you that it would, she's gonna come back to you for an emotional crunch before she leaves you for someone else again.

 

Do you really want to be a part of all this drama with this girl? There are girls out there who would love to have a man like you and treasure the qualities you have and embrace them wholeheartedly. Why do you wanna be with someone who has no self respect for others, let alone for others?

 

I know you are emotional right and want her back, it's totally understandable, I was once there too, once the fog in my mind cleared out, I saw through all the BS she was putting my way as an excuse, I'll give you a quick summary :

 

- it's not you, it's me (yes it was her, she was emotionally cheating)

- why don't you be friends with me, maybe my feelings might come back in the future (if my relationship with this dude fails, I want you to be my backup guy and guess what, she did get in touch with me when her relationship failed)

- you did nothing wrong, you are the perfect guy (Rightttt)

- I just want to say that you've a big heart, I hope that doesn't change, you are perfect the way you are (as you can see utter BS)

 

You need to take time for yourself in order to heal, once you are out of that emotional state, then you'll start seeing the things more clearly and you would reach a point where you won't even want her back.

 

My advice to you, get away from this emotional train wreck of a girl and let her get what's coming for her, the best lesson you can teach her is to not take her back once she comes back, you don't have to be bitter or hate her for the rest of life, but move on to bigger and better things, you'll get there one day. Just stay strong through this difficult time and take the high road, you'll be fine (trust me).

[shark23]

Went threw this many a times telling you now become a ghost don't contact her improve your life if you are down do things that make you happy stay away from talking to her dad,you will be on her mind very odd time prepare to move on incase she don't come back

[ExpatInItaly]

Thats the part I do not belive. The week before we broke up, she looks me in the eyes and tells me i dont know what it is but i love you and want to marry me, we were talking about moving in togetehr in this coming december and possibly buying a house in a few years.

 

Actions speak louder than words.

[kendahke]

Thats the part I do not belive. The week before we broke up, she looks me in the eyes and tells me i dont know what it is but i love you and want to marry me, we were talking about moving in togetehr in this coming december and possibly buying a house in a few years.

 

But where IS she, logistically, right now? Not with you.

 

People will say anything depending upon what they think they're going to get out of saying it. What matters is the action. Her action is not reconciliation with you and being constant in your life. Her actions place her with another guy.

 

Enough of the "but but but... she said..." No. Actions, s0n, actions. Where is her person? Where isn't her person?

 

You can want her til times get better, but the fact of the matter is she is not acting like a woman who wants to be your woman. She can say anything, but if her actions to not buttress her words, then her words are worthless.

 

Part of NC means you don't have contact with anyone who is going to tell on her to you. That means daddy, too. He has no skin in your game, so keep him out of your business.

[JohnFDoe]

Dude... She's getting it on with this new guy and probably looking to cheat on him with others soon enough.

 

She sounds like a psycho, she tells you she loves you then a month later she's off with another guy. Dude, run, you really want this girl to be your wife and kids the whole lot? Come on mate, she's a bar maid...

 

Don't even waste your time. The more you put hope in the situation the more you're hurting yourself. Harsh but true. Stay strong mate.

[B345T]

Seems like she's freshly in love all over again with a new guy. You honestly don't need that drama in your life and can do better. You see the problem here is when she sent you the closure text and said she would talk to you in a couple of months she was stringing you on. Basically saying "look if things don't workout with this new guy I'm probably gonna come back to you to play it safe until I find the next person that I feel is better than you and do this all over to you again." She has shown you her true colors and proved she isn't worthy of your time. Most likely she will come back around its usually when you have completely moved on and you're at your happiest point they choose to come back but by then you should be completely moved on and I am hoping you do for your own sake. This girl still has some growing up to do. Bartending isn't a bad job but it's not something you do forever she should be focused on getting into a career. You had your fun and ultimately shared an experience that you can always remember but it's time for you to take care of yourself, move on and find the next best girl out there who can appreciate you for being you unlike her. Stop talking to her dad as well she most likely knows you do and it gives her confidence in knowing she can come back to you if she needs to.