CatcherintheRye Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 (edited) This is my second LTR (had been with him a little over a year, both of us are 20) and, though we fought a lot and a lot of the habits we developed were unhealthy, I still miss him. I know I'll get blasted for this, but in the heat of the moment when he brushed me off regarding going to an unknown girl's house (then deleting her texts), I got mad, left his house, and sent some nasty things. Something along the lines of requesting he give my game console back and never talk to me again and that I was "so done". The next day, he deleted me from Facebook, deleted the pictures of us and wouldn't answer my calls/texts. I know it was wrong and absolutely immature, and I apologized profusely, but he stopped talking to me. He wouldn't talk to me or see me. His mom had to coerce him into talking to me. All he said when he came outside to see me was that he was doing what I asked, then got my console, put it in my car and said "I'm done" and left. I thought he was just mad, but after three days of no contact, I called him a few times and received a text a half an hour later saying "you call?" I asked how he was since he just had surgery and about his car since he just crashed it into a pole. He went on to talk about how his life sucked and I tried to cheer him up. Towards the end, he thanked me for checking on him and said he was going to bed, but before he could I asked if he would have lunch with me the next day and talk. He said he didn't think it was a good idea. Of course, I made the mistake of begging via text for a while that he reconsider and give us another chance. He just kept telling me I'll be so much happier without him, that he is worthless and not going anywhere, that we said the next time we ended a fight leaning towards a break up would be the last time, and that there is no trust in our relationship and he wanted it to work but it just isn't. That we are just "spinning our wheels." I ended the conversation saying, "I'm really going to miss you." He replied, "trust me I know!" Then I said, "I really don't want to do this," but he never replied. It's been almost a week since the last texts and I haven't heard from him. We've been totally NC. He deleted me on Facebook, Snapchat, deleted our pictures, and hasn't talked to me at all. I just feel so lonely and sad. I can't tell if this is just my 'recently dumped mind' or not, but I want to be back with him. Do you think there's any chance he will talk to me? Or any chance of reconciliation? I'm trying not to dwell on it and trying to use NC to assimilate to the single life and improve myself, but I'm haunted by those feelings of wishing he was in my company again. I hate feeling like I failed to improve the relationship when I know I can do better and he is genuinely a sweet person, he's just really troubled dealing with the loss of his friend among other things. There were just a lot of trust and communication issues. Edited December 9, 2015 by CatcherintheRye 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Totorolover4life Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 I think you should try contacting him again but to seriousky talk to him about how he truly makes you feel when he is pushing you away. I think if you two made a promise to each other that you will work at the relationship again then you will be back together, maybe start from square one, become good friends again and then see were that goes? Trust in a LDR relationship is number one if you really want it to succeed. I am currently in a LDR almsot 2 years and going strong (: and so I knwo where your coming from, i know its tough but if you really like this guy dont stop trying to work things out wiht him. But there is a limit at how much you need to input until he really never budges. If you see no change in what he thinks he wants wants which is to stay away from you because he thinks he is worthless then move on ebcasue you dont deserve that in your life. its bets if both parties are willing to change for each other for the better. Link to post Share on other sites
anonymousbear00101100 Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 (edited) Don't beat yourself up for things you said after the relationship. I know it seems impossible, but soon you won't care about what you said, and you won't even remember everything. Also don't beat yourself up for what you could have fixed in the relationship. He is just as responsible for failing to communicate. You can't fix that now, just remember it for your next relationship! The only one who can control whether he contacts you again is him. Your actions post break up have nothing to do with it. If he doesn't contact you again, it's because the feelings he had for you are gone. And from what I can tell, you shouldn't want to ever talk to him again. If he didn't have something to hide, he wouldn't have deleted the texts. You even admit that your relationship was unhealthy. Yes you miss him, yes you want someone to talk to, but getting back in a relationship with this guy is not something that will be good for you. I've been in and out of a relationship that had communication failure for the better part of two years, and now I'm here after our 4th breakup. As you go through this, at times it'll be hard to convince yourself that you're better off. But be strong. He is not right for you and you can do a lot better. "Among other things you'll find that you're not the first one who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior" -JD Salinger from Catcher in the Rye Edited December 9, 2015 by rjblak13 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Wait a second, so he brushed off going to a girls house and deleted her texts, and you feel guilty for that? If you were one of my friends I'd be shaking some serious sense into you. He basically cheated on you, and now he's making you feel like you did wrong. He didn't fight for you back after you left and now has you feeling like you made a huge mistake. Big red flags. Do yourself a favour and realise that you were cheated on, the relationship wasn't healthy, and you did the right thing by leaving because it sounds like he was halfway out the door anyway. Cut all contact and don't be concerned how he feels. Certainly don't let his guilt tripping ("you're better off without me I'm going nowhere") trick you into feeling sorry for him. Your heads a little clouded now but you'll be fine once the reality sinks in and you realise you probably dodged a bullet. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CatcherintheRye Posted December 9, 2015 Author Share Posted December 9, 2015 (edited) rjblak13: Thank you for that. Your Catcher in the Rye quote really hit home. I've been trying to remember all the fights we had, all the times he would just tell me to stop crying and THEN he would talk to me, the times he'd push my hands off of him when I tried to comfort him, or was just outright rude and nasty. I still miss the hell out of him though. I really did/do love him. Meli22: I don't know. He's always been pretty honest, I think. He did go to a friend's house once and she kissed him from what he said, and the next day after a fight the previous night, he told me about it. I brought it up again during this last fight with the other girl, saying "did you kiss her too?" That and I posted a mean Facebook status basically hinting to what he did and getting friends' opinions. He saw it and, I think after that, deleted me because of it. That night he had just crashed his car into a pole and messed up the side of his car pretty bad and was going through severe stomach pain which I attributed to a spleen issue. While that was going on with him, I was freaking out about the girl, which is probably why he didn't fight too hard when I left. But after that, after a called him a few times trying to explain why I was so upset, he said he didn't want to talk about it, and stopped answering my calls. This took place Saturday night and, sometime Sunday, he actually went in for an appendectomy. I don't know if he really cheated on me or not. He told me the girl's name and everything, and he has brought her up before saying she had called because she needed advice about her boyfriend who wasn't taking her out on dates or anything anymore. He said he went up there to talk to her about issues she was having with HER boyfriend again and deleted her texts because he thought I'd get mad at them, even though I've only actually looked through his phone about twice. I think after that kiss the about a year ago, I just got really paranoid. We ended up keeping each other on lockdown, as he would look through my phone and question me, but would get mad when I did so to him because I didn't trust him. Still doesn't change the fact that I'm hurting really bad. I feel like things were left slightly unresolved and that it was so spur of the moment. I'm trying to move on, but I'm still stuck hoping he'll call or text me. Edited December 9, 2015 by CatcherintheRye Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Well its been 8 months and id say she has initiated contact 3 times but that probably only occurred because I reached out a few weeks prior trying to get a handle on why the breakup occurred. I suppose SHE DOESN'T CARE Link to post Share on other sites
anonymousbear00101100 Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 rjblak13: Thank you for that. Your Catcher in the Rye quote really hit home. I've been trying to remember all the fights we had, all the times he would just tell me to stop crying and THEN he would talk to me, the times he'd push my hands off of him when I tried to comfort him, or was just outright rude and nasty. I still miss the hell out of him though. I really did/do love him. Yep and remembering those bad times can be really hard, especially the longer you go NC. I'm at the point where I don't really remember being in the relationship, so I don't know if the good outweighed the bad, I just miss the physical contact and having someone to talk to. But staying strong and trying your best to move on help a ton. Post here or talk to friends instead of going back to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Captivating Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 You are the dumper not him. You told him not to contact you again. Did you clarify why he wanted to go to another girl's house before you lashed out? Was she a co-worker, a party invitation, a friend's girlfriend who needed help ?? He might have been up to no good or maybe not. He might have deleted the messages because he didn't want drama, he didn't want you messaging her. OR he was up to something bad. We don't know it for sure. If he didn't do anything bad but you were accusing him, that's emotionally draining. I am actually concerned about him being depressed, he talks weird about himself. Self-esteem/self-worth issues. His comments are somewhat suicidal.(don't ever mention this to him) Sorry for saying this!! Please reach out and mend the relationship if you love him and want to be with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CatcherintheRye Posted December 9, 2015 Author Share Posted December 9, 2015 (edited) You are the dumper not him. You told him not to contact you again. Did you clarify why he wanted to go to another girl's house before you lashed out? Was she a co-worker, a party invitation, a friend's girlfriend who needed help ?? He might have been up to no good or maybe not. He might have deleted the messages because he didn't want drama, he didn't want you messaging her. OR he was up to something bad. We don't know it for sure. If he didn't do anything bad but you were accusing him, that's emotionally draining. I am actually concerned about him being depressed, he talks weird about himself. Self-esteem/self-worth issues. His comments are somewhat suicidal.(don't ever mention this to him) Sorry for saying this!! Please reach out and mend the relationship if you love him and want to be with him. I did apologize for what I said and told him I was handling the situation very immaturely. I told him I didn't mean it and tried to contact him about three days after the initial fight. That's when he said he doesn't think it's a good idea to meet, that we're not going anywhere and all the self-degradation. I'm not sure I should contact him again. After our text conversation the last time we spoke and how he deleted me on everything, I don't want to keep bugging him. ): he does have some self-esteem issues and some internal conflicts, in my opinion, but I don't want to harass him. In the past, that's had the opposite effect on him and makes him not want to do whatever I'm asking him to. I'm afraid to drive him away even more than I have. Edited December 9, 2015 by CatcherintheRye 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CatcherintheRye Posted December 9, 2015 Author Share Posted December 9, 2015 (edited) I also failed to mention that the day after he deleted me on Facebook, I stopped by his house and dropped off some food/a drink he likes and card since he had surgery. I thought his mom would open the door, since he's always downstairs, but he did. I should have put two and two together since, when I left, I realized his friends were at his house... He opened the door, I handed him the bag of treats and said "I know you're not feeling good, so I thought I'd bring you this." He didn't say anything, so I turned and left. He shut the door and THEN we spoke on Wednesday through text. So I guess it was actually almost 2 days of not talking before he said he didn't think meeting was a good idea... I know I was stupid for saying that I'm done and to never talk to me again, but I said sorry so many times and I begged and pleaded for him to talk with me. I tried so hard, but tried not to be overwhelming either. If I'm the dumper, I didn't want to be. I was trying to get him to talk to me and he refused. ): I miss him and it's my fault. I was so terrible to him. I want to talk to him so bad. Edited December 10, 2015 by CatcherintheRye Link to post Share on other sites
Author CatcherintheRye Posted December 10, 2015 Author Share Posted December 10, 2015 SHOULD I contact him again, since maybe I'm the dumper and was in the wrong? Or should I give it time? Link to post Share on other sites
Triggs1234 Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 SHOULD I contact him again, since maybe I'm the dumper and was in the wrong? Or should I give it time? It is up to you. Go with your gut. I reached out to my ex to try and make things work and give her a second chance after even after she had lied and cheated on me... had promised me so much, but she kicked me to the curb and basically she thought didn't think it was fixable. And I never got a response from her. Was pretty gutted. Your situation is fairly similar to mine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CatcherintheRye Posted December 10, 2015 Author Share Posted December 10, 2015 It is up to you. Go with your gut. I reached out to my ex to try and make things work and give her a second chance after even after she had lied and cheated on me... had promised me so much, but she kicked me to the curb and basically she thought didn't think it was fixable. And I never got a response from her. Was pretty gutted. Your situation is fairly similar to mine. In your situation, was she the dumper or the dumpee? I really feel terrible. I want to talk to him, but after he's deleted me on basically everything and it took him so long to talk to me to begin with, I'm worried more contact will hurt the situation... Link to post Share on other sites
Triggs1234 Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 In your situation, was she the dumper or the dumpee? I really feel terrible. I want to talk to him, but after he's deleted me on basically everything and it took him so long to talk to me to begin with, I'm worried more contact will hurt the situation... She had messed up, lied to me about something that occurred and then told me. I at first was like yeah I am done etc. But I wanted to give her a chance because I do love the girl. I am one for second chances trust me. After some time she just didn't seem to be giving any effort and it seemed she didn't think she could fix what was done. She broke it off after initially saying she needed some time to think etc. Very backwards thinking. She made me many promises to me prior to me giving her a second chance. Then a few months later she said she didn't want it anymore, and that she broke promises and that was life and to move on. Went on to block me etc. I still do not know why. I tried reaching out to no success. I would like to talk to her to check in and see how she is. We were best friends prior to even dating, dated other people while we were best friends and just ended up together. It is all very confusing. I have had major progress not hearing from her trust me. We would keep in contact even after she told me she couldn't do it etc. Things got really messy. It may be best to just part ways for good, maybe one day you can catch up or your paths may cross. You never know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CatcherintheRye Posted December 10, 2015 Author Share Posted December 10, 2015 She had messed up, lied to me about something that occurred and then told me. I at first was like yeah I am done etc. But I wanted to give her a chance because I do love the girl. I am one for second chances trust me. After some time she just didn't seem to be giving any effort and it seemed she didn't think she could fix what was done. She broke it off after initially saying she needed some time to think etc. Very backwards thinking. She made me many promises to me prior to me giving her a second chance. Then a few months later she said she didn't want it anymore, and that she broke promises and that was life and to move on. Went on to block me etc. I still do not know why. I tried reaching out to no success. I would like to talk to her to check in and see how she is. We were best friends prior to even dating, dated other people while we were best friends and just ended up together. It is all very confusing. I have had major progress not hearing from her trust me. We would keep in contact even after she told me she couldn't do it etc. Things got really messy. It may be best to just part ways for good, maybe one day you can catch up or your paths may cross. You never know. Wow. I'm so sorry you're going through that. That's just so abrupt to tell you that's life and to move on. Was there constant communication between you two or did you go LC/BC for a period of time to heal yourself a bit? I messed up and want to try again. He didn't specifically say he didn't want me to contact him, he just deleted me everywhere and ignored me for a while, but after being NC for a week and him seeming to not bat an eye has me conflicted as to what action to take now if any. Link to post Share on other sites
anonymousbear00101100 Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 I have a sneaking suspicion that he isn't as torn up about this as you are, I'm sorry to say. I think this guy is kind of an *******, and is trying to make you feel bad and guilt trip you for something he wanted because it feeds his ego and gives him power. I'd stay no contact for at least a few weeks. Let yourself calm down and let your mind gain leverage over your emotions. Figure out if you really want to be with HIM, don't think about whether he still wants to be with you. From what I can tell, you can do a lot better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Triggs1234 Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Wow. I'm so sorry you're going through that. That's just so abrupt to tell you that's life and to move on. Was there constant communication between you two or did you go LC/BC for a period of time to heal yourself a bit? I messed up and want to try again. He didn't specifically say he didn't want me to contact him, he just deleted me everywhere and ignored me for a while, but after being NC for a week and him seeming to not bat an eye has me conflicted as to what action to take now if any. We kept communication during the initial stages after the breakup. She would ask to facetime etc (she moved away for work), then just one day said she didn't think it could work and gave me many excuses that she needed to be alone etc. Just one day told me that, then a bit later just stopped talking to me. Haven't heard from her in two months. She deleted me on everything also. Been a rough 2 months. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CatcherintheRye Posted December 10, 2015 Author Share Posted December 10, 2015 (edited) I have a sneaking suspicion that he isn't as torn up about this as you are, I'm sorry to say. I think this guy is kind of an *******, and is trying to make you feel bad and guilt trip you for something he wanted because it feeds his ego and gives him power. I'd stay no contact for at least a few weeks. Let yourself calm down and let your mind gain leverage over your emotions. Figure out if you really want to be with HIM, don't think about whether he still wants to be with you. From what I can tell, you can do a lot better. You're probably right. After everything he has said about love and "always coming back", it just really appalls me that in a matter of hours, he could detach enough to delete me, delete any evidence of "us" and not talk to me again. I guess he reached his limit and was really, really done. It's like, did he not really care anymore? He doesn't even miss me? It would still be so nice to hear from him so I know he's not suddenly some emotionless stranger... Thank you for all of your advice. I think I will stay no contact and a little longer and see how I feel. I'm starting to get more accustomed to this, but I keep setting myself back analyzing the situation. Edited December 10, 2015 by CatcherintheRye Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Catherintherye and Triggs, you guys weren't the dumpers even though it looked that way superficially. In both your cases, you guys were victims of the forced dump. They wanted out and pretty much got you guys so upset you had no choice but to lose the plot. They then use that action to justify them leaving you. Its a very gutless act because they actually put the blame on you as well as breaking your heart. Just to clarify, the dumper is the person who is less emotionally invested in the relationship. It matters not who actually broke it off. The post break-up dynamics always reveals the true dumper and dumpee. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Triggs1234 Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Catherintherye and Triggs, you guys weren't the dumpers even though it looked that way superficially. In both your cases, you guys were victims of the forced dump. They wanted out and pretty much got you guys so upset you had no choice but to lose the plot. They then use that action to justify them leaving you. Its a very gutless act because they actually put the blame on you as well as breaking your heart. Just to clarify, the dumper is the person who is less emotionally invested in the relationship. It matters not who actually broke it off. The post break-up dynamics always reveals the true dumper and dumpee. This is 100% the truth. She stated she wanted to be alone and find herself, yet a month plus later she is already talking to someone else. After the break up she turned out to be someone I don't recognize. Thanks for reassuring me that. It helps to not be blinded by the truth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CatcherintheRye Posted December 10, 2015 Author Share Posted December 10, 2015 (edited) Catherintherye and Triggs, you guys weren't the dumpers even though it looked that way superficially. In both your cases, you guys were victims of the forced dump. They wanted out and pretty much got you guys so upset you had no choice but to lose the plot. They then use that action to justify them leaving you. Its a very gutless act because they actually put the blame on you as well as breaking your heart. Just to clarify, the dumper is the person who is less emotionally invested in the relationship. It matters not who actually broke it off. The post break-up dynamics always reveals the true dumper and dumpee. Thank you. For a moment there I started panicking thinking that, since I was the dumper, I should be making more of an effort to resolve things. The ball is still in his court for now, I guess. Are there situations where a break up is actually handled maturely? He always said he'd have no problem leaving if he wasn't happy (he said this a few times in the past to reassure he wasn't going anywhere), but then this happens, and it seemed so...cowardly. I thought he'd be more up front if he wanted to leave. Edited December 10, 2015 by CatcherintheRye Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 I was technically the dumper in my last relationship, though it was done out of necessity and the feeling that she was just waiting for me to do it. Sure enough, she's used it against me. And it helps her narrative regarding how quickly she started dating someone after I left, because, hey, I was the one who walked out on her and her kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Triggs1234 Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Thank you. For a moment there I started panicking thinking that, since I was the dumper, I should be making more of an effort to resolve things. The ball is still in his court for now, I guess. Are there situations where a break up is actually handled maturely? He always said he'd have no problem leaving if he wasn't happy (he said this a few times in the past to reassure he wasn't going anywhere), but then this happens, and it seemed so...cowardly. I thought he'd be more up front if he wanted to leave. Usually how it goes. They don't have the courage to own up and be 100% honest. They leave ya in the dark and leave you wondering. It is truly ****ty. I think no break up is handed maturely anymore. Break ups suck. They are emotionally draining. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CatcherintheRye Posted December 11, 2015 Author Share Posted December 11, 2015 Usually how it goes. They don't have the courage to own up and be 100% honest. They leave ya in the dark and leave you wondering. It is truly ****ty. I think no break up is handed maturely anymore. Break ups suck. They are emotionally draining. As much as I hate that you are going through this and hate that I'm feeling the way I am, I'm really kind of glad we have similar situations. A lot of the times, with friends and family too, they have breakup advice that is really generic and don't understand what's actually driving me crazy about the whole thing. I'm glad you're here on LS and on my post. Link to post Share on other sites
Triggs1234 Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 As much as I hate that you are going through this and hate that I'm feeling the way I am, I'm really kind of glad we have similar situations. A lot of the times, with friends and family too, they have breakup advice that is really generic and don't understand what's actually driving me crazy about the whole thing. I'm glad you're here on LS and on my post. Of course! I never thought I would be on any site seeking advice or similar experiences. I have many friends who have also said the generic, "move on" and "go find someone else" etc. That is all easier said than done unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
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