I let go [update]

[Luke22]

I've been reading this site for some time. I find it helpful and I need to get ready to let my relationship go and need feedback and support.

 

 

Been dating for a year and 1/2. Its been intense. To be honest, problems started back in December. What doesn't make sense to me is my reaction to it all. I had a healthy self esteem. I take (took) great care of myself, athletic, in good shape, good job, good friends and a general love of life. There isn't a mean bone in my body. I'm romantic, love sex...blah blah blah. I've worked hard to be the best person I can be. It just wasn't enough. I simply cannot do anything to make myself a better person to her, She had me at my best.

 

 

I'm a wreck now. Melting down, missing work, cannot eat, haven't worked out in months, poor performing in recreational sports and I feel incredibly low. I simply cannot get any lower. I have a hard time rising out of bed everyday.

 

 

I knew something was wrong. We haven't had sex in several weeks. We see each other rarely, maybe every two weeks. The content of the daily text messaging would make you think there was nothing wrong. We met up yesterday and I simply asked what has changed. I'm not fool, I know something was wrong with all of this.

 

 

During our meeting, she had stated that she was seeing someone else this summer. She said it lasted a month. They had met two weeks after we had celebrated our one year. I am devastated that she told me that. she said he dumped her. I asked if she's still with me because she was dumped and her response was "no". What makes it worse is that she also admitted that she would still be with him if he didn't dump her.

 

 

When I have tried to distance myself from her, she becomes loving and attentive. The last time I distanced myself she showed up at one of my games and was supportive and wonderful (two weeks ago). Kisses and flirting...So, I decided to see if this would work out...again.

 

 

I have good intuition. I knew this was not right. I know I should've broke it off. It amazes me that my self esteem it so low that I would continue in this relationship.

 

 

She started being incredibly mean in the last 4 months. Things that were said that I never would have tolerated from anyone. Things she said were not even in the heat of an argument. Examples "I don't feel like moving mountains for you", "I just don't want to see you tonight, no reason, I just don't". "I love you, but I just don't like you sometimes". Canceling plans. Taking time to respond to text messages but becoming upset if I didn't respond quickly.

 

 

I'm 44. I'm well rounded. I'm amazed how much I am taking. I've been verbal about the things that seem amiss and have communicated what bothers me. When I stand my ground she pulls me back in. what hurts is that she is so believable. Instead of just letting me go, she pulls me back with saying, doing and acting like the perfect girlfriend. That's when I let it all go and believe that its going to work. Her ability to convince me that everything will work out it amazing.

 

 

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense. I just need to pour this out in writing so I can come back later and see the insanity of it all. I hope this is rock bottom. I cannot continue in this relationship.

 

 

so. Now. I'm preparing to break it off. This is my first step.

[PegNosePete]

she had stated that she was seeing someone else this summer.

Good God man, where is your self esteem? If someone said that to me I would walk out and never look back.

 

Yes, cut her off. You don't need to be in a bad relationship with a cheater. You are better than that.

[Gus Grimly]

Good God man, where is your self esteem? If someone said that to me I would walk out and never look back.

 

Yes, cut her off. You don't need to be in a bad relationship with a cheater. You are better than that.

Totally. She didn't even have the decency to tell you it was over. Lack of empathy, guilt remorse and shame. She's not a good person. No one deserves to be treated so poorly.

 

Throw her to the curb and never look back.

[Luke22]

thank you for your feedback. I appreciate it greatly.

 

 

For some odd reason, I'm relatively calm about this. Perhaps its because I have the time to process this before I react. I know its over, I just need to get my ducks in a row before I react. I may just decide to go NC and not bother to have a break up conversation.

 

 

My thoughts about having the termination conversation is that it grants the opportunity to make more promises, excuses and will only create more questions for me than answers. Reading posts from members here has been uplifting and has provided me with much needed encouragement and a hefty dose of common sense.

 

 

My mind knows that life will be better without her. If I'm going to be honest with myself, this relationship has created more heartache and turmoil than it has happiness.

 

 

Many happy memories. Great sex (not to be superficial). When things were good, I felt passionate about life and everything I did. Those times have been gone for months.

 

 

My next step is to continue to process. No contact. Visit this site as much as I need and to try to be the best I can everyday.

 

 

Its not the end of the world. I know that. I am hopeful that I can move onto the coping section when this is all done.

[Chi townD]

This sounds like she's bipolar and has never been diagnosed.

[Luke22]

Hey Chi. That's crossed my mind. I'm 44, well rounded and have been around the block. That being said, I've never experienced someone with mood swings like this. It's always either "on" or "off". I've said in a few occasions that I need consistency, "to wake up every day and not worry about where this is or where you are at". It's been a rollercoaster.

 

Simply amazed at what I've let myself take. The drama started out slow and benign, but now it's manipulative and hurtful. I am partly to blame as I should've have put my foot down last December. Hard to explain, and I am embarrassed by the amount of disrespect and dishonesty that I have taken. No wonder my self esteem is in the gutter. Once again, there is some personal responsibility I need to take.

[Luke22]

Crap. She's asked to come over tomorrow. I'm not ready. I don't know what the purpose is, could be break up, could be trying to pull me back. I've just started this process on this forum. I cannot go back. Crap. I haven't responded. I need to think it over. This is not a good relationship for me. I was hoping to have things in order before I took the break up plunge.

 

I'll read more on this site and just not respond for now. This just sucks.

[Chi townD]

Crap. She's asked to come over tomorrow. I'm not ready. I don't know what the purpose is, could be break up, could be trying to pull me back. I've just started this process on this forum. I cannot go back. Crap. I haven't responded. I need to think it over. This is not a good relationship for me. I was hoping to have things in order before I took the break up plunge.

 

I'll read more on this site and just not respond for now. This just sucks.

 

 

 

Okay dude, RELAX!!! Stop freaking out. Think with your head for a second and lets see what's going on here.

 

 

If I'm understanding this correctly, you thought the two of you were exclusive, but she dropped the bomb on you that she had been seeing someone else over the summer. They met two weeks AFTER you celebrated your one year anniversary. So, I can see where you would have thought you two were exclusive if you're celebrating that.

 

 

Well, that explains why she was treating you like crap and saying mean things to you during the last 4 months (aka the duration of the summer). She needed to ease her guilt about what she was doing behind your back. I mean, if you think about it, she was the one that probably started all these fights. Easier to cheat on someone if you're mad at them. "I wouldn't be here with this other guy if Luke wasn't being a jackass. Serves him right! This is his fault" This also explains the stupid little off hand comments she said to you, like she wouldn't move mountains for you. She already put a higher value on this other guy than you. And she already admitted that she would still be with him if he didn't dump her. Now, how is that fair to you?

 

 

So, why is she trying to come back? She's trying to come back to what's safe and secure. But, make no mistake, she'll be on the look out for the next guy to latch onto. She's just cooling her heels with you until that happens.

 

 

Dude, you are NOT a consolation prize. You are NOT second best! You deserve better. I would text her back saying that you're not available tomorrow. And meeting up probably isn't such a good idea.

[Downtown]

I've never experienced someone with mood swings like this. It's always either "on" or "off".

Luke, the most common causes of strong mood swings are a strong hormone change (e.g., pregnancy, postpartum, or perimenopause) and drug abuse. If those two causes can be ruled out, the two common remaining causes are bipolar disorder and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

Perhaps Chitown and you are correct in suspecting strong traits of bipolar disorder. I don't know. I can say, however, that bipolar is not what you seem to be describing here. Because bipolar is caused by gradual changes in body chemistry, it typically takes a week or longer for the mood change to develop and it usually will last that long too.

 

In contrast, you're describing event-triggered mood changes that are so rapid that it seems like something flipped a switch in her brain -- turning it "on" or "off," as you say. These rapid mood flips are usually attributable to "splitting" (aka, a mild form of "dissociation") and the result is "black-white thinking," wherein the person typically categorizes everyone close to her as "all good" or "all bad" -- and will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other, in just ten seconds, based solely on a minor comment or infraction (real or imagined).

 

Significantly, these rapid event-triggered mood flips are a warning sign for BPD because a BPDer can quickly flip from adoring you (i.e., "splitting you white") to devaluing you (i.e., "splitting you black). Granted, a bipolar-1 sufferer may be capable of doing ultra-rapid cycling, where moods can change in 15 minutes. Such extreme cycling, however, is rare and, even then, typically occurs when the bipolar sufferer is sliding into a hyper manic or a psychotic state -- neither of which you are describing.

 

If you're interested, I describe the main differences I've seen between the typical behaviors of BPDers (e.g., my exW) and bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) in my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. I also provide a more complete list of BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of them sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Chitown, Gus, and the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid repeating a painful experience -- e.g., avoid taking her back when she returns and does the love bombing again -- and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left. Take care, Luke.

[sacg]

Listen to Downtown man. And i really feel for you. Read my situation. I'm 4 weeks out of a relationship with a suspected BPD and roughly your age. And amazingly, I still miss her like mad. But its starting to sink in its for the best and she's beyond my help.

 

I take my hat off to you for taking the plunge. I, like you, was self doubting, asking what i was putting up with it, trying harder making myself look weak, and not just ***in it off. But i hung in there. Until, i think preempting that i would, she pulled the trigger. Another common trait. And recently its been a nightmare. Like it was all me. I caused the end. Like i actually broke it off sometimes.. Wait until you do actually break it off. Be prepared for anything.

 

They can be so charming, so convincing, so alluring, so sexy, so overpowering. So fake!

 

Like i said mate, do what you feel in your heart whilst youve still got some strength and self esteem left.

 

Good luck

[sacg]

I hope you cancelled the meet. Guessing not as youve not been back! :-(

[Luke22]

hey all. Thanks for the input.

 

 

No, we didn't meet up. Its the first time since I've known her that I haven't accepted an invitation.

 

 

Like Chi said, I didn't want to get caught up in my own head. So, I just left the invitation alone until she contacted me inquiring why I haven't responded. Conversation went down hill and we left on ill terms with her saying she had to think things over and maybe this wasn't going to work.

 

 

Whatever. I made plans with friends and went out yesterday after work so I didn't sit home and dwell on it. I had a good night actually.

 

 

This site, friends, acknowledging that this relationship is toxic has all helped me with staying calm and working on myself. Working on my self esteem and refusing to be reactive with her is helping me create some distance.

 

 

Glad I didn't meet up with her. Starting to distance myself and feeling good about it. Ive decided that I may not officially call it off. I may just let it go. I think if I truly loved her, I would plan a conversation to break it off. She's not been honest and her behavior is just odd. Love fades if you don't take care of it.

 

 

I'll keep reading your posts on your threads. They are educational and inspiring. This is a great community that is helping catapult me in ways I couldn't have done myself. thanks.

[PegNosePete]

Good man! Now you need to implement NC.

 

If you have necessities to attend to (eg. getting your stuff back or giving her stuff back to her) then do it in a totally business-like manner. Put it in boxes and arrange a time to exchange. No cups of tea, no nice chats, no goodbyes. Just swap boxes and close the door.

 

Forget about having a break-up conversation. You know deep down how that will go. She will turn it all around onto you and make you feel like a total turd, just like the last conversation you had with her. She will come off smelling of roses and you will be put through the wringer yet again. Don't do that to yourself.

Edited August 12, 2015 by PegNosePete

[LeslieKnope]

Luke, I was literally clapping for you and all the great input you were getting from the LS community! So, so good!

 

Letting her go is hard and will be hard for awhile, but it's the first step to re-building your self-esteem. A good relationship makes you feel powerful, brave, sexy, smart, secure and happy. This girl ain't doing that for ya. She brings me down just by reading about her! What planet sad ego is she on by telling you she'd still be with the other guy she was cheating on you with if he hadn't dumped her? 5 bucks says you dump her and she'll be saying the exact same thing about you.

 

You'll be okay. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[sacg]

No, we didn't meet up. Its the first time since I've known her that I haven't accepted an invitation.

 

Good for you. I truly admire your strength. Wish i had half of it!

 

 

Like Chi said, I didn't want to get caught up in my own head. So, I just left the invitation alone until she contacted me inquiring why I haven't responded. Conversation went down hill and we left on ill terms with her saying she had to think things over and maybe this wasn't going to work.

 

That would have been 10x worse face to face. Expected tho. Shes all over the place, fear of abandonment, fear of attachment. Stay strong brother.

 

 

Whatever. I made plans with friends and went out yesterday after work so I didn't sit home and dwell on it. I had a good night actually.

 

LOL, again, im amazed at your strength. Youre going to piss this. As in, its going to be easier for you to let this toxic **** go.

 

 

Glad I didn't meet up with her. Starting to distance myself and feeling good about it. Ive decided that I may not officially call it off. I may just let it go. I think if I truly loved her, I would plan a conversation to break it off. She's not been honest and her behavior is just odd. Love fades if you don't take care of it.

 

I wouldnt bother about any further convos if your leaving. trust me, they go really bad. And you walk away head***ed, wondering what just happened.

 

 

I'll keep reading your posts on your threads. They are educational and inspiring. This is a great community that is helping catapult me in ways I couldn't have done myself. thanks.

 

I learnt a lot here. Was blaming myself, but knew something wasnt right. Youre doing great mate, crack on and find a woman balanced and that wants to be with you regardless.

[sacg]

Youre actually inspiring me, so dont disappear when your done. LOL.

[Luke22]

Pegnosepete, thank you. I've decided not to have a break up conversation. I owe her nothing. Thanks for your feedback.

 

Leslie. I have imagined you clapping many a time. Something about it makes me smile and also reminds me of how silly I've been holding on. Thank you.

 

Sacg, thank you. Thanks for your support and the genuine response. I wish I was further along, but I'm making progress. Your support and the support of others is amazing.

 

So. Thanks to you peeps (smile), I called a friend and am going out. I'm not going to sit on my ass feeling sorry for myself tonight. I'll do my best to have a good time. (Although we all need to take time out and feel sorry for ourselves here and there, I just let it get crazy).

 

Progress made? I boxed all the stuff that reminds me of her and put it in the garage. Nothing in my home to remind me of the god times that no longer exist. We haven't spoken in two days. I'm in the breaking phase, but am prepping to move into the breaking up phase. NC is my next major step. I'm a literal person in many ways. Once I decide to go NC, I'll jump in head on.

 

Thanks to the people here and the amazing posts I don't feel alone. I must read a couple dozen posts a day. Looking forward to giving back. Now. Without further adieu, I'm dressed and going out!

 

You guys/girls are the best!

Edited August 14, 2015 by Luke22

[Luke22]

I don't know what's wrong with me.

 

She asked to meet me today and I said yes. We talked for some time and the conversation was honest and productive. She said she wanted to be together but didn't know how that would work. I found myself hopeful and talked about how things could improve and be better. Then...I found myself offering to change and do things different.

 

Sadly, I didn't do anything wrong. There is nothing to change in my behavior. What was I thinking? I'm not the one that cheated. I've never said anything hurtful or negative to her. I've always been supportive. Yet, I was offering to change for her. There's nothing I can change. She's had me at my best.

 

Then, it got worse. At the end, she said she couldn't make a decision. She didn't know when she would have an answer. Seriously?! You asked ME out today to discuss things. I DID NOT reach out to her. Only to end up feeling used and stupid that I let myself believe that she wanted to be with me and I was so hopeful that she would apologize and tell me what SHE would change.

 

I feel so duped. I feel like I let myself down. I was doing so well for the past two weeks. I was feeling better about myself....then I pulled this stupid crap and agreed to meet with her. I feel totally played.

 

What the hell is wrong with her?! What is wrong with me for falling into this trap? I'm so disappointed, sad, angry. Does this make her feel better about herself?

 

Crap. So stunned by the whole thing. What an idiot I am.

[Luke22]

Wow. It felt so good to write that. Then read it again and again. This is the true definition of insanity.

 

I have to move to NC. I'll read about the NC recommendations in the morning. I'm going to try to sleep.

 

The one thing I can take responsibility for is getting myself into this situation tonight despite the many, many entries I have read on here.

 

Ugh.

[sacg]

Luke, mate, so sorry to hear that. Looks like she's recycling and this is not uncommon behaviour for BPD's. If you strongly think she has BPD traits, and I do. Try going to BPD Family, and get on the forum there. Im there now, and its amazing the stories similar to yours and mine. Its also helped me amazingly.

 

Best of luck man.

[Christos]

The problem with you, is that you are too easy. Just at the first sign of her wanting you back, you behaved like a happy puppy.

 

Never be easy for women. They lose interest. Stupid i know, but that's how they are. I made the same mistake, paid the price. Now i am smarter...

 

My ex dumped me 2 months ago. If she ever comes back, she will have to walk through fire to make me date her again...

[Luke22]

Thank you sacg. I Plan on avoiding that type of personality again. It's just not worth the roller coaster ride.

 

Thanks Christos. You are right. I caught myself caving and knew when my self esteem was sinking yesterday that I was doing the wrong thing. I was definitely not self confident but rather pathetic and weak, humble...basically a door mat.

 

When the self esteem is lowered, I don't make wise choices.

[PegNosePete]

Dude, I hate to say I told you so.

 

Who am I kidding, I love to say I told you so.

 

I told you so.

 

Now, NC!!! You know it makes sense. We're all rooting for you here. Time to man up, if she comes calling again tell her to F off.

 

Forget about all this BPD stuff. Who cares what problems she has. Just avoid that type in the future.

[Downtown]

Forget about all this BPD stuff. Who cares what problems she has. Just avoid that type in the future.

Pete, it is difficult to "avoid that type in the future" when you're unable to spot "that type." As I observed in post #10 above, "like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid repeating a painful experience -- e.g., avoid taking her back when she returns and does the love bombing again -- and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left."

[Luke22]

PegNosePete, you are right. And I knew early on that this would happen and fell right into it.

 

Yes. Today is NC day 1. I already got a text that I ignored. Thanks to yesterday, it wasn't difficult to ignore it. I know what will happen if I break NC. Wasn't sure when I would do it, but yesterday proved to be a good turning point to start NC.

 

As far as signs and symptoms? She displayed them early on. I won't ever date someone unstable again. It's not in my make up to deal with it.

 

Thanks guys for your input. I take each response seriously.