tangotango Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Hi Guys, So my ex who suddenly walked on me after 7 years together has agreed to meet up for a catch up later this week. She has previously eluded all attempts to meet in person except when she needed something important from our house. I still live in our rented house - she has not taken her belongings... We have 7 years of possessions still in the house... Now - I am under no illusions as we could end up discussing when she is coming for her stuff... Or.. We could not mention the relationship at all... Or we could end up talking about it and possibly trying again. I have done a lot of soul searching in 3 months apart and have seriously fixed the flaws I had when she left. I feel born again - and every day I think about her and what I am doing and wish she was back with me... Sad I know but I love her! How do I approach this meet? It's her birthday Tuesday - do I buy her a small gift? Do I not bother? Help me out... Link to post Share on other sites
JamesThomas Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 (edited) Hi Guys, So my ex who suddenly walked on me after 7 years together has agreed to meet up for a catch up later this week. She has previously eluded all attempts to meet in person except when she needed something important from our house. I still live in our rented house - she has not taken her belongings... We have 7 years of possessions still in the house... Now - I am under no illusions as we could end up discussing when she is coming for her stuff... Or.. We could not mention the relationship at all... Or we could end up talking about it and possibly trying again. I have done a lot of soul searching in 3 months apart and have seriously fixed the flaws I had when she left. I feel born again - and every day I think about her and what I am doing and wish she was back with me... Sad I know but I love her! How do I approach this meet? It's her birthday Tuesday - do I buy her a small gift? Do I not bother? Help me out... Trust me I met up with my ex yesterday. We broke up a week ago and I pretty much cried, with pain and anger at myself, for hurting her every day since we broke up. I told myself to go there not expecting anything, not expecting her to want me back. To just go there and listen even if she got angry, which she did and with that came sarcasm, but it as best to just let her talk about her feelings and how our breakup made her feel. I told her I was so sorry for how I treated her. I knew she didn't believe me by her reaction so I asked her to please try to listen to me. I couldn't even look at her when I was telling her what I had to say. I ended up crying, which I rarely do, and she hugged me and comforted me and I cried into her shoulder "I'm so sorry..." She wants to see me again today so we can both clear things up. So from that, if you want my opinion, just be cool. Don't expect too much, don't push her, if hurts, if the things she says to you hurts then just bite your lip and let her say what she needs to say because she needs to express herself and you need to listen to her. IF it gets too much and it hurts you just do what I did (we were sitting in a park) and try to lighten the mood. I said to her "Shall I got and get a stick so you can beat me to death? It'd be much faster..." but also make it clear that you are taking her seriously. After yesterday I have found that it's best to just listen. If you believe in your heart that you ever did once love her, respect her and care for her then let that blind you please. No matter what she says to you, even if it's hurtful, you can at least say that you listened to her and understood and even if she tells you to "f*ck off!" (which m ex pretty much said to me then said sorry after) you can still know that you listened and tried your best. Just remember that, if she gets angry, it's love and pain fear driving it and she more than likely doesn't mean it or she'd not wish to see you. About her birthday: I'd say buy her something but don't make the gift too imposing. Make it something simple, something that you know she'll like. Just try to buy her a gift as a friend because if you don't it could come across as manipulation. Just do what your heart knows is right. Maybe buy her a can of her favorite drink or something like that, something to make her smile. Edited August 2, 2015 by JamesThomas 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sacg Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 At this stage, I'd approach it as it is. A meet. If theres been no preconception as to what the "meets" agenda is, then you have no choice but to go in informal. Business like. Just see how the land lies. I wouldnt overly express any feelings at this point, or even get he a present tbh. A card would suffice if you want. Good luck bud Link to post Share on other sites
JamesThomas Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 At this stage, I'd approach it as it is. A meet. If theres been no preconception as to what the "meets" agenda is, then you have no choice but to go in informal. Business like. Just see how the land lies. I wouldnt overly express any feelings at this point, or even get he a present tbh. A card would suffice if you want. Good luck bud I agree. Don't go in expecting too much. Link to post Share on other sites
grokcahsevol Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I wouldn't talk about anything related to the relationship, unless she brings it up. Just talk about how things are going now and not your past problems. If it were me I would also be the one to end the "meet up" first after about a half hour and tell her I have some other plans. I'm not familiar with your breakup but remember, the past is not the future Link to post Share on other sites
BriNyc82 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I agree. Don't go in expecting too much. My advice, be yourself. Be genuine. No games. This is not the time for egos and facades. Say what you need to say and let her know you not only hear her but understand her. Birthday present? Maybe a card......... Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesThomas Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I met my ex again today. From first hand experience I can tell you that it was a little calmer but she still had random angry outbursts but then said sorry for it. Want to know the sad thing? Once or twice when I looked at her as I was talking to her, I saw her looking at me in the way she used to look at me. I saw her smiling, even made her laugh. It can be painful to see such things because it's like looking into the past. I am glad that my hope in her was not misplaced. My old friends are all against me and her getting back together and they say things to her to make her doubt me but she's an adult and does as she likes which is why she met me. She told me that I have to earn both her trust and her respect again and I completely understood and agreed. I told her the truth, told her what I thought of her and how I feel about her. But hey this is your first time seeing your ex again so I'd not do that just yet lol. When we said goodbye we hugged, held eachother for a few minutes and then when we let go she looked up into my eyes and then looked down again. People say that there is never any hope of ever getting back with an ex but I'm starting to think that it's not entirely true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tangotango Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Thanks for all your feedback guys - I feel sick thinking about it. I went through a lot of pain and hurt, and started to come to terms with the fact we may never get back together. I hate the thought of anything other than a positive outcome when we meet. I just have to stay positive and take all your advice Thanks all - I'd buy you a drink if you were here now... Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Thanks for all your feedback guys - I feel sick thinking about it. I went through a lot of pain and hurt, and started to come to terms with the fact we may never get back together. I hate the thought of anything other than a positive outcome when we meet. I just have to stay positive and take all your advice Thanks all - I'd buy you a drink if you were here now... No no no no no You need to cancel that meeting pronto. You're WAY too emotionally invested to meet. There are 900 reasons why its a bad idea. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Thanks for all your feedback guys - I feel sick thinking about it. I went through a lot of pain and hurt, and started to come to terms with the fact we may never get back together. I hate the thought of anything other than a positive outcome when we meet. I just have to stay positive and take all your advice Thanks all - I'd buy you a drink if you were here now... You are nowhere near ready for this meeting. You need to feel indifference. This will not go well for you. I guarantee it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tangotango Posted August 6, 2015 Author Share Posted August 6, 2015 So today I met with my ex who walked out on me. We met at a local Starbucks - it started good she was telling me about her work and stuff, it felt like old times only this time I wanted to listen. Things were ok half an hour in until I mentioned TV (something she doesn't have at her mums where she is still staying) "We need to cut the cable bill down as it's not fair I'm paying half and not using it" Oh - then it hit me... "I'm assuming after 3 months apart your feelings have not changed??" "No... I'm really sorry" I put all my cards on the table - (everything was all nice and amicable btw no arguing) She says she loves me as a best friend (after 7 years together) and that I'll always be her best friend but on an intimate level she claims she doesn't think of me like that anymore. Fair enough I guess - heartbreaking to hear but if that's how she feels. I reiterated what I've changed, what I was also prepared to do if it made any difference.. I asked her outright - "what can I do to change your mind - you tell me?" And she pondered for a minute (literally a minute) and said I don't think of you like that anymore... I had to stand up - I said come on let's go (before I burst into tears). We went to my car and I gave her her mail (still comes to the house) She apologised and gave me a really great hug... I got in my car and have been a wreck ever since... I do not know what to do anymore!! Help... Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 What you need to do is accept that it's over. You guys had a good, long run together. Clearly, you both need to look internally at what actions you both contributed to the ending of it. I'm not an advocate of recycling relationships. Once it breaks up and ends, it should stay that way. You've had three months of healing under your belt and now, you're kind back at day one, in pain all over again after the conversation. Trust me, I tried second chances in a few past relationships and they were a disaster. All the same problems and issues resurface after the excitement of the reconciliation wear off and you break up again.. She's done with the relationship. You need to ask her to quickly make arrangements to collect all her things from your place. You need to break all ties and then consider going full NC so you can heal from this. The sooner you can have out of sight, out of mind, the quicker you'll start to feel better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 So today I met with my ex who walked out on me. We met at a local Starbucks - it started good she was telling me about her work and stuff, it felt like old times only this time I wanted to listen. Things were ok half an hour in until I mentioned TV (something she doesn't have at her mums where she is still staying) "We need to cut the cable bill down as it's not fair I'm paying half and not using it" Oh - then it hit me... "I'm assuming after 3 months apart your feelings have not changed??" "No... I'm really sorry" I put all my cards on the table - (everything was all nice and amicable btw no arguing) She says she loves me as a best friend (after 7 years together) and that I'll always be her best friend but on an intimate level she claims she doesn't think of me like that anymore. Fair enough I guess - heartbreaking to hear but if that's how she feels. I reiterated what I've changed, what I was also prepared to do if it made any difference.. I asked her outright - "what can I do to change your mind - you tell me?" And she pondered for a minute (literally a minute) and said I don't think of you like that anymore... I had to stand up - I said come on let's go (before I burst into tears). We went to my car and I gave her her mail (still comes to the house) She apologised and gave me a really great hug... I got in my car and have been a wreck ever since... I do not know what to do anymore!! Help... You accept its over and vanish from her life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 OP, I am sooooo sorry for this. It seems that she left and you are the one to have to deal with cleaning up the garbage... Give her back all of her assets, make her take all of her shyte from your house and then redecorate. It won't seem real until you see her stuff out of your house. Or even move out, if it sounds easier. Think about it. Heavy stuff ahead yourself, brace yourself, ok ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jaskiegs Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Well, that's not fun. I'm sorry Tango. But you know what happens now. You wipe her from your life after telling her she's got 10 days to get her belongings. Unlike most here, I'm a big believer in reconciliation but there comes a time when that is no longer useful. You are definitely there. The next few months will suck. But eventually you will be happy again and hopefully sometime soon, you will meet someone that will make you forget about her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 (edited) You accept its over and vanish from her life. That's the best thing you can do. You [can't] get back 7 YEARS of your life, but you need to start the next chapter today. It's the most outlandish prospect to move on without someone you've been devoted to for 7 years ... but it's the only way. She's made up her mind, and nothing will change it. I've been there and no matter how genuinely sorry you are, you can't change how they feel. Good luck, I hope you'll be okay. Edited August 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
quattrob Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 tangotango, someone mentioned that you should've cancelled the meeting and not go ahead with it because you are way too emotional to handle it. But you chose to meet up anyways, going in with nothing but hope of a positive outcome. And now that you got a bad outcome (opposite of what you imagined), you are hurting even more. And to be honest you sounded desperate from your very first post. If we can sense that, your ex would sense that too.. that the whole point of your "meet" was to try and win her back or get back together. Let go of all the hope, she made it cleared to you twice that she does not see you that way anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tangotango Posted August 7, 2015 Author Share Posted August 7, 2015 I know - it's over... I just thought maybe after 3 months of separation she would have had some better thoughts. She didn't tell me she wasn't into me when she left - just that she wasn't happy with the way we became. Would have saved 3 months of heartache of she would have said this first time. I asked her why were we looking at booking an expensive holiday just before she walked out - for September??? If she wasn't happy...? She said she still wanted to be with me and 'try new things with me' and that I would change'?? But then the night before she walked she just thought that we were not going anywhere and she just didn't see me like that anymore. It's a new day now - I still feel sick 2 Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 I know - it's over... I just thought maybe after 3 months of separation she would have had some better thoughts. She didn't tell me she wasn't into me when she left - just that she wasn't happy with the way we became. Would have saved 3 months of heartache of she would have said this first time. I asked her why were we looking at booking an expensive holiday just before she walked out - for September??? If she wasn't happy...? She said she still wanted to be with me and 'try new things with me' and that I would change'?? But then the night before she walked she just thought that we were not going anywhere and she just didn't see me like that anymore. It's a new day now - I still feel sick You will feel this way for a while. 7 years man. You will need lots of time. But the only way forward for you is to give her what she wants. Your absence. Block everything. It's the only way for YOU to heal. It's not about her anymore. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 I do not know what to do anymore!! Help... Get her mail redirected to where she actually lives, get her to pick up her possessions, and tie up all the loose ends It's not an enjoyable exercise, but it's for the best. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tangotango Posted August 7, 2015 Author Share Posted August 7, 2015 I am accepting today that it's over. On the flip side - I can't cut her out of my life - we went through a lot of problems together over the years and daft as it sounds I owe her at least friendship for that. She really looked after me when things were not going my way years ago - most girls would have walked away. Another issue is we moved into this house together - from an apartment. Everything in our house has a memory from the furniture, TV's, book... Everything I can associate a memory too. There's always going to be something to remind me of us there's no getting away from that. Damn I love this girl... But I can't cry no more it has made me I'll over the last few months 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 You might benefit from moving the furniture into a new layout, and hanging a few new paintings, and so on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 you don't seem to be ready to let go... this looks like it'll take a while 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 I am accepting today that it's over. On the flip side - I can't cut her out of my life - we went through a lot of problems together over the years and daft as it sounds I owe her at least friendship for that. If you chose to stay in contact w/her, understand that it will only keep you in the pain and suffering stage. You're trying to break an "addiction". You're not going to do that unless you break all contact. Your comments about her looking after you- That's what partners/lovers do in a relationship. Don't put excess meaning or value to them or use them to justify in your mind the need for further contact and friendship. Another issue is we moved into this house together - from an apartment. Everything in our house has a memory from the furniture, TV's, book... Everything I can associate a memory too. There's always going to be something to remind me of us there's no getting away from that. Damn I love this girl... But I can't cry no more it has made me I'll over the last few months Pls listen to peoples advice. You need to treat the house situation like a divorce. You need to split up the assets, divide the property and be DONE with it. The quicker you can tie up all this things, the sooner you can end communication and heal. I know this whole thing is painful and raw right now. But, ACCEPT that she's now your past and you need to worry about your future. Read the threads here for awhile. You'll see that people who try to stay in contact w/the ex as "friends", have disastrous consequences. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
theredpill Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 (edited) One of my good friends dated a woman for 9 months, she took the mickey and then gave him the LJBF's speech. He accepted, like it seems you want to do and for the last year he managed to get sex twice... yes TWICE in 12 ****ing months, whilst crying over every other man she spoke to, until I grabbed him by the bollocks (tricky as they'd almost shrivelled away) got him to speak to her and re-iterate this fraud of a friendship is over. Few days later, he really sees his mistakes and has made great progress compared to the whimpering wreck he'd became. Do not ever become friends (you don't want to be her friend, it's a lie) when you're as invested as you are, because it will HURT every single time you see her. At this point you owe her nothing, rationalise this and you will suffer - your choice. Good luck! Edited August 7, 2015 by theredpill sanity! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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