TheStylist Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I just found out today that my ex bf had been showing off our intimate/private photos in his phone to his friends. One of his closest friends pmed me today. I was dumbfounded. My whole world came crashing down on me and I wanted to die. We brokeup last July 4th. I don't know what to do! My head is pounding and I wanted to text him so much with obscenities. What should I do?! How can I forget and move past this? The break up was hard enough and now this?! How could he be so cruel and disrespectful?! How could he ruin me life this?! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I just found out today that my ex bf had been showing off our intimate/private photos in his phone to his friends. One of his closest friends pmed me today. I was dumbfounded. My whole world came crashing down on me and I wanted to die. We brokeup last July 4th. I don't know what to do! My head is pounding and I wanted to text him so much with obscenities. What should I do?! How can I forget and move past this? The break up was hard enough and now this?! How could he be so cruel and disrespectful?! How could he ruin me life this?! Depending on where you live he may be breaking revenge porn laws. What is the law on revenge porn? - Telegraph 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Learningtowalkagain Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 It's wrong on his part but guys like to show that off after breakups like its a trophy. I used to do it in my 20's after a breakup because it made me look cool to my friends. Now I delete everything out of respect for someone I was once close with. It's also a maturity thing. I would have never shown pics of a girl if I knew it would get back to her. He doesn't seem to care which makes him a dirtbag. Your best course of action is to politely ask him to delete any intimate photos he has of you and you were hurt to know he's showing them around. You could throw out a line like I thought you were s bigger person than that. I've had respect for you since the breakup. If you're mean and text him obscenities he's going to keep doing it out of spite. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 You don't get over it. You get a lawyer. Look into the revenge porn laws & make him stop. Even if no such law is on the books where you live you may be able to get a judge to issue an injunction to stop him from distributing the photos. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Depending on where you live he may be breaking revenge porn laws. What is the law on revenge porn? - Telegraph ^ This. Has he actually published the photos, as in transmitted them digitally/electronically to another person (e-mail/text), or just showed others the photos on his own device? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 If he is just showing them to his friends on his own device, there isn't much you can do other than to ask him not to and to delete them. Lesson learned for the future... don't share pictures/videos of yourself with future boyfriends that you wouldn't want everyone to see. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Had consent to take pictures. Beyond profiting off them or real slander that results in finicial damage, there is little or nothing that can be done. Even with damage little can be done outside spending money on legal costs and making the entire thing public record.....with even more parties involved. Like others have said, consider it a lesson. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 ^ Consent to take photos doesn't mean or imply consent to publish them. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 ^ Consent to take photos doesn't mean or imply consent to publish them. Doesn't matter. It's illegal in the UK. But it's not in the US or Canada. It would be if he was profiting off of them or made available to the general public, then she might have a leg to stand on for defamation of character or not getting permission to use his or her likeness. But, if he's showing them to a select few and not making any money from it, there's really nothing that can be done. SO! Good rule of thumb? Never, ever, ever have any intimate moments recorded or photographed. EVER! IF a boyfriend or girlfriend wants you to send them nudes, you have every right to say NO! If they want to see you naked, then they can come over in the privacy of their own home without recording devices. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 OP, I feel your pain. I know what it is to have someone or someones make sport of your intimate life and think it is their business to spread. I'd check into criminal and civil laws. I'd at least scare the pants of this loser with a cease and desist letter. I'd also let anyone who tells you about them or messages you that he did NOT have permission to show them. Document EVERYTHING, especially and including anyone who contacts you as a result of seeing them. I have had enough of douchebags thinking that because they saw it or have it they have a right to spread it at the expense of others. If the law allows for it, stick it to him with everything you've got. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Doesn't matter. It's illegal in the UK. But it's not in the US or Canada. It would be if he was profiting off of them or made available to the general public, then she might have a leg to stand on for defamation of character or not getting permission to use his or her likeness. But, if he's showing them to a select few and not making any money from it, there's really nothing that can be done. That's incorrect as applies to the US. My contention is that sharing the photos via e-mail or text may be able to be portrayed as publishing in a court of law (which is why I asked that of OP). You don't have to profit from the publication for it to be a violation of law. Check into the concept of invasion of privacy | publication of private facts. These blogs describing related cases are from Findlaw: Geek Squad Accused of Stealing Naked Pics Even in cases where the person has permission to take or possess naked pictures of someone (say an ex-boyfriend or figure drawing professor), publishing them online can also be an invasion of privacy, since it is a publication of private facts. Nude Photos On the Web Draws Suit, Take 2 The complaint reveals that the claim for invasion of privacy is in fact the "publication of private facts" claim that we discussed on Wednesday in covering the Ashley Greene story. Publication of private facts is a claim made against a person who discloses publicly one or more private facts about a person, where the publication of those facts would offend a reasonable person. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 (edited) That's incorrect as applies to the US. My contention is that sharing the photos via e-mail or text may be able to be portrayed as publishing in a court of law (which is why I asked that of OP). You don't have to profit from the publication for it to be a violation of law. Check into the concept of invasion of privacy | publication of private facts. These blogs describing related cases are from Findlaw: Well, not exactly incorrect. Only 16 out of 50 states have revenge porn laws and the majority of those states, it's only classified as a misdemeanor (AKA..slap on the wrist, pay a fine with a pat on the head and a promise not to do it again). States with Revenge Porn Laws ? C. A. Goldberg, PLLC And even the ones that are classified as felonies, they're either class 3 or class C. (AKA..slap on the wrist, pay a fine, possible 30 days in jail and/or community service). I mean, if you're looking for "Burn, baby, Burn!" Sorry, I just don't see it happening. That's why I say, if a boyfriend or girlfriend is asking for nudes, just don't do it. Simple as that. And with the article you showed me, that Geek squad guy STOLE her photo's and posted them online. Therefore, making them available to the general public. This guy only showed a few friends and not the general public for full access viewing. Does it make it okay? No, absolutely not. That was a douchebag thing to do. But, I'm just trying to keep it real, I seriously doubt this guy is ever going to burn at the stake for this. Edited August 3, 2015 by Chi townD Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 I never said burn at the stake, I said legit legal remedies. Most privacy related stuff is civil tort in the US, so that means a payday. Not likely a big one, or maybe nothing at all, but there are definitely avenues to pursue, if for nothing else than to put the screws to the guy like autumn said. She doesn't have to sit back and say "oh well." That's what the law's for, and she should take advantage of it. As far as the revenge porn criminal stuff goes, any felony, even a lesser one, would put a major hurt on anyone's livelihood. Criminal histories are public record, and I wouldn't want that following me around from job interview to job interview. Hell, I wouldn't want a misdemeanor like that following me around. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 (edited) Armed Robbery, manslaughter, grand theft, rape, child abuse.... those are felonies you don't want following around. Getting busted for showing a few pics from an Ex-girlfriend can be easily explained away with a good story if anyone wants to do a background check. Edited August 3, 2015 by Chi townD Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Armed Robbery, manslaughter, grand theft, rape, child abuse.... those are felonies you don't want following around. Getting busted for showing a few pics from an Ex-girlfriend can be easily explained away with a good story if anyone wants to do a background check. Are you defending this idiot? So sorry op! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Are you defending this idiot? So sorry op! NO I am not, if you actually READ my posts, I said it was a douchebag thing for him to do. I'm not defending this guy. But, I am telling that if she went after him legally, don't expect too much to happen because the laws either aren't that strict or even there for that matter depending on which state she lives in. Now, how am I defending him again? Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Armed Robbery, manslaughter, grand theft, rape, child abuse.... those are felonies you don't want following around. Getting busted for showing a few pics from an Ex-girlfriend can be easily explained away with a good story if anyone wants to do a background check. But, I am telling that if she went after him legally, don't expect too much to happen because the laws either aren't that strict or even there for that matter depending on which state she lives in. I guess we're just going round and round on this but I'll clarify once more - you may not worry about felony convictions on your record and that's fine, but most ppl will find that to be a very unwelcome thing. Not having to try to explain why you did revenge porn (felony convictions are matters of permanent public record and are never just "explained away") or why you were the target of a law suit for publishing naked exGF photos is much better than having to, and not paying fines or settlements for same is much better than having to. Any essentially 'real' company sizing you up for employment is going to evaluate your damage risk, and that's a huge red "SUE ME" flag right there. Not attractive or endearing to them. Not to mention just having the fact of being a convicted felon or having paid out for some foolish thing you did hanging over your head like a permanent marker. I really don't see how virtually any outcome along these lines could be construed as minor or insignificant, and that's the beauty of OP's opportunities for legal recourse. You most definitely don't have to just sit back and take this stuff if it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 And, as it was stated 16 out of 50 states have revenge porn laws. what are the chances of her living in one of those states? And if she DOES happen to live in one, the vast majority are considered misdemeanors. What are the chances of her living in one of those? And if she does live in a state that DOES have revenge porn laws and DOES see it as a felony, she would have to go to court and prove it was done maliciously. And he never published these photo's, they were only seen by a few people. He could state that someone used his phone and saw the pics, or that they accessed his phone without his consent. All he would have to do is plant reasonable doubt. But, if she was to go after him in criminal court, she would have to make a report to the police and see if the DA's office is going to pick the case up. They're pretty full with drug dealer, gang bangers, murderer's and rapists. Not too sure they'll follow a case where a guy showed some nudes to some friends. Now, nothing is stopping her with getting restitution through the civil courts and she could probably win. How much, I don't know. I'm pretty sure this guy isn't rich, so I don't even know if she'll be able to collect. Look, you all got this idea that I'm defending this guy and I'm not. I think what he did was despicable. He's a complete asshat for violating her trust even after the relationship ended. I'm just trying to keep it real. So, you can get made at me all you want, but it's misdirected. You should be mad at the law and not me. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 I'm not mad at you or suggesting you're defending the guy, just disagreeing on the likelihood of satisfactory legal remedies for the OP. Sorry to be niggly but you asserted a few posts back that what the guy did was not illegal in the US and that OP had no choice but to suck it up. That's where the basic disagreement came from, not really in further discussions about how illegal it might be and so on. Anyway I think we've pretty much covered all that can be covered on this. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 I'm not mad at you or suggesting you're defending the guy, just disagreeing on the likelihood of satisfactory legal remedies for the OP. Sorry to be niggly but you asserted a few posts back that what the guy did was not illegal in the US and that OP had no choice but to suck it up. That's where the basic disagreement came from, not really in further discussions about how illegal it might be and so on. Anyway I think we've pretty much covered all that can be covered on this. And I stood corrected. But, MOST states, it isn't illegal. And for the states that it's illegal, well...the punitive outcome is poor. And I agree with you, I think we're beating a dead horse and I don't even think the OP is coming back. So, I'll just finish off with, DON'T SEND NUDES TO ANYONE! Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 And I stood corrected. But, MOST states, it isn't illegal. And for the states that it's illegal, well...the punitive outcome is poor. lol ....actually no - see my comments up the thread about civil tort re: invasion of privacy / intrusion of solitude. And you have no way of predicting the punitive outcome in civil cases far and wide or even fines in criminal cases, unless you can present some compelling evidence or case law that supports that notion. But yeah, /end. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 lol ....actually no - see my comments up the thread about civil tort re: invasion of privacy / intrusion of solitude. And you have no way of predicting the punitive outcome in civil cases far and wide or even fines in criminal cases, unless you can present some compelling evidence or case law that supports that notion. But yeah, /end. Yeah, I was referring to criminal, not civil. To which you're right. She probably has a case. But..yeah/ended. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 For $100 - $200, she could probably get a lawyer to pick up the phone, call the guy, and threaten him with a lawsuit unless he destroys all those pics. Or serve the ex with a lawsuit, subpoena the friends who saw it to appear at depositions, THEN have the lawyer call him up and get him to destroy the pics in exchange for calling off the dogs. I can't imagine it would take more than a day or two to wrap up. She doesn't have to be able to win.... she just has to be able to prove that she's not a friggin' pushover. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheStylist Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Thank you so much for all your thoughts and response. Sorry, I wasn't able to get back right away because I've been in dazed. We don't have a revenge porn law here and he is only showing the photos in his phone to some of his friends. Those photos were taken long time ago, more than a year ago, when we were still like 3 months into the relationship. We were just hanging out, getting drunk and messing around. The next day, I asked him to delete everything which he assured me, he did already. It was only a one-time thing, I hardly even remember how graphic the photos were, but it was graphic. I trusted this guy so much. He, literally, moved mountains when he pursued me for months. He never gave up on pursuing me even though he had a slim chance with me but seeing his efforts, I gave him a chance and I thought I was the luckiest girl. Anyway, most of his friends sided with me now and one of his bestfriends told me he will try his best to help me by stealing his phones and delete everything. Thing is, I don't know. I can't think straight right now. I don't want this issue to reach my family, especially to my two eldest brothers. For sure, they will skin him alive. My brothers are very protective of me. I've been calling him but he never pickup. For sure, he knew already what I'm up to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheStylist Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 For $100 - $200, she could probably get a lawyer to pick up the phone, call the guy, and threaten him with a lawsuit unless he destroys all those pics. Or serve the ex with a lawsuit, subpoena the friends who saw it to appear at depositions, THEN have the lawyer call him up and get him to destroy the pics in exchange for calling off the dogs. I can't imagine it would take more than a day or two to wrap up. She doesn't have to be able to win.... she just has to be able to prove that she's not a friggin' pushover. I've been thinking about doing this. This is the most realistic approach I can think of. He lives in another city though, a much bigger city. But yes, I can do this. I am just so ashamed to bring this up to my lawyer, especially, the lawyer is a family friend. I don't want this issue to spread in my city like a wildfire. Those friends who saw our photos are from the other city, a 3.5hr drive from my city. My family is known in our city and I don't want to ruin them because of this stupidity. I meant, I live in a small city where almost everyone know each other. Link to post Share on other sites
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