FirstBreakup

[Tuck]

Before I delve into this twisted and painful story, I'd like to point out that the only reason I'm posting here is because I'm desperate. My nights are filled with dreams of my ex-girlfriend, and I often wake up from them wanting to throwup after realizing that my fantasy truly was only a fantasy.

 

I'm going to be completely honest, not blowing anything out of proportion, if that's possible coming from my hurt perspective.

 

I'll start from the very start, but first some background about myself.

 

I've always considered myself very attractive, 6"4, blonde, and fairly muscular. I'm on the Varsity Volleyball team. I'm still a virgin. Not complaining about that one, you'll understand soon enough. I live on the Big Island of Hawaii, and just graduated last Friday. In all due respect, I was way out of this girl's league.

 

I'm a very emotional person. I cry a lot because of beautiful or sad things, but never from physical pain.

 

I've never had a girlfriend before this one. I've always wanted to, but before this one was never able to close the deal. I've kissed 5-6 girls before her (Rachel is her name), but I never enjoyed any of them. I always felt like I had to have sexual experiences with girls because that's just what guys do. I'm not particularly smooth, and I've always sucked at kissing. Kissing was actually what never let me move forward with girls, even if they really liked me. I just never had any desire to kiss them, in fear of messing up.

 

We have around 400 kids in our highschool.

 

Anyways, the start. I'll try to include all the details that I can remember at this time.

 

I was at a school-held dance. Rachel was always a girl that I found attractive. She wasn't the most attractive girl in the school, but the way she swung her hips when she walked really got me. She's fairly tall for being a sophomore, I want to say around 5"9. She is half Japanese, half American, but is more American than Japanese. Her face is decent, but her body is absolutely amazing. Anyway, I saw her at the dance kinda eyeing me out, so I thought "why not" and asked her to dance. She shyly agreed, and we grinded on the dance floor for the entire dance. She wasn't particularly good, but she seemed to be having fun.

 

At the time, I was messaging a few other girls, kinda using the shotgun approach to find a girlfriend before I left highschool. Not the smartest, I know. That night after the dance we started facebook messaging, and we sorta hit it off.

 

After that, I really left my comfort zone and started to hang out with her a bunch. After one week, we were walking to class, and I sort of abruptly grabbed her hand and said "So we're official now?". It was really awkward, and we were both really confused about what had happened over the weekend. (it was a friday). I just told her it would be ok and that she didn't need to be confused. The next week we were official, and we walked to class together holding hands and all that kind of stuff. I can't remember all the details, but she REALLY liked me. I walked her everywhere, and we sat together in the library with her friends after lunch.

 

By the end of the next week, I decided I needed to get over my fear of kissing, and asked her to come with me after lunch. I brought her down to the track bleachers and told her five things I liked about here, then kissed her awkwardly after each one. She explained later that that was her first kiss and she was shocked. I was very happy with myself, and continued to kiss her regularly after that.

 

Things went well. Then spring break came along, and I went off to Japan for vacation with some friends. She messaged me everyday, and I barely texted her because I didn't have a phone with 3g.

 

The day I got back from Japan I drove to her house and picked her up and brought her to the beach. I showed her an awesome underwater cave, and we made out there. She told me how much she missed me. At this point I was madly in love with her. I'd never felt this way before. I told her I loved her, and she told me she loved me too.

 

I can't remember everything, but over the next few weeks of school we were ok. I still walked her everywhere and say her everyday. She came to most of my volleyball games, and kissed me after each one.

 

She's a terrible texter. She message(d) me back very inconsistently, sometimes after 5 minutes, sometimes after an hour or two. This always got me feeling really insecure. I remember one time she didn't message me at all, and I ended up texting her friends asking what was wrong. She "read" all the messages I sent to her but didn't respond. It turns out she had like a mental breakdown or something because her childhood friend Ethan's mom had cancer or something.

 

She got really angry that I was obsessing over her by talking to her friends the next day.

 

I remember another day we started texting about what we were going to do after school ended, seeing as I was going off to college. I sort of broke down and told her how much I loved her, and that I really wanted to try a long distance relationship. She disagreed and got really pissed at me the next day. I managed to fix things by acting cool and just smiling really big at her. That always seemed to help.

 

Where was I? Oh right, so after spring break we went to prom together. We were so happy. She was all over me that night. She kept making out with me on the dance floor, making everyone else feel uncomfortable. We started into eachothers eyes for a good half an hour, just mesmerized. I was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. We were the only couple slow dancing the entire time, even to fast paced songs. After prom, I drove her back to her house. On the way back I sheepishly asked her if she was a virgin. She said of course she was, and I said I was too. I told her we'd talk about it another time though. Sort of just to build trust. I really wanted her to be my first, because I truly loved her.

 

A few days later we went down to the beach with our dogs. I was really smoothed and sort of slowly tackled her onto her back, and we made out for the first time for like 10 minutes. It was magical. I was amazed because it was the first time I actually enjoyed making out with a girl.

 

For our two month anniversary we went to the beach at night, and looked up at the stars and the calm water. She's a very spiritual person. She posts hippy stuff on tumblr all the time, and I try to model my behavior accordingly. Then we made out for a good two hours, no joke. I took her top off and kissed her all over her body. We dry humped a bunch, and she told me how much she trusted me. We could have easily had sex that night, but I didn't come with any condoms. I developed the worst blue-balls of my life, and on the way back to the car she asked if there was any way she could help with that. I said no, not tonight, once again to build trust. I didn't want her to think of herself as just a sex object to me, because she truly wasn't.

That night was the last night we ever hung out outside of school. She had some really bad hickies on her neck the next few weeks of school, but no one noticed because she used some really good makeup. She didn't too upset about it.

 

Ok more side story. Her best friend, we'll just call her "C" for now, has a brother that graduated from our school. He was kind of a drug lord sorta guy, selling all sorts of ****. Super rich, and a bad influence on C. C's brother has these parties all the time when he comes back from college which all the last years seniors go to. They are mostly all scum, and love to prey on underclassmen. There was one I was worried about in particular about preying on Rachel. Every time I thought about Rachel going to one of these parties I would start to sweat with rage because I was so worried about her getting drunk and not being able to control herself if this guy came onto her.

 

One day I told her about this, and she sort of laughed it off. She explained she had actually babysat a teacher's kid with this guy during winter break. That set me off, and I just had to walk away. I was so hurt, even though it was before we had started dating. She was really frustrated with me. I waited for her after class, and told her I was sorry, I couldn't control her as a person and that it was her decision if she wanted to go to these parties. She eventually told me she wasn't planning on going to any of C's brother's parties.

 

During final stretch of school, she started to become more distant. She no longer came to any of my volleyball games, and always made up excuses as to why she couldn't hang out. Mostly the excuse was studying for finals and one of her AP exams. I started to get frustrated, but I put up with it. One day I even woke up early and bought her flowers and chocolates and left in her locker. She liked it and it seemed to temporarily fix things.

 

One day we were hanging out like we usually did in the student pavilion by her lockers. She was waiting for her mom, but she didn't seem to want to hang out with me. She said "I'm gonna go wait over there, you can go". I was confused as to why she didn't want to spend the time with me before her mom came to pick her up. This is sort of when the problems started.

 

Our school has this thing called "lava Lounge" in which students do karaoke and stuff at the headmasters house on campus. Rachel and I hung out there and we like cuddled and kissed, but she seemed a bit distant. I walked her to her car, and kissed her, but she just wanted to go home. That was the last time I ever kissed her.

 

The next two weeks she was always busy, and never wanted to hang out. I always had to go and find her. One day we were hanging out in the library, and I told her I had a surprise. I told her that I was going to spend her next class period with her. She was pretty unhappy. It was clear she didn't want to hang out with me. I went anyways and did some art while she finished her ceramics project. She was distant, and so I told her to talk with me after class. She reluctantly agreed to talk to me. I told her that I felt like she was getting distant, and asked her if she still loved me. She said "Yes, I do so much it's ridiculous". That was reassuring, but she wouldn't kiss me. She made up an excuse that people could be watching, but there was literally no one anywhere near by. I told her that I was going to give her space, and she agreed that was a good idea.

I didn't text her the next day. She texted me telling me good luck for my ap exam, and I didn't respond. During the day, I talked with C about my relationship with Rachel, and C simply explained that Rachel had been acting funny lately, even towards her. That night I told her I was sorry, and that I was just trying to give her space. She told me she was scared because she didn't know what was going on with us anymore.

The next morning I did the whole flowers in her locker-shindig before I left with my volleyball team to the state tournament for the weekend. It took her all day to find the flowers in her locker. She didn't seem very happy about it, and I was devastated. I turned off my phone for 4 days. It was hell.

I expected that would've gone crazy, texting me a bunch, but upon returning to the Big Island, I turned on my phone to find not a single text from her.

I sorta caved and texted her saying that I was sorry I didn't text her, that I just needed to concentrate on my teammates while I was there, which of course was untrue.

Finals were the next week, and I didn't see her until the next Monday. Sunday night I texted her saying that was hurt that she wouldn't say "I love you" to me anymore, because she used to do that every night before bed. She said that she was "bitter to "I love you" at the moment. We went to bed on a bad note. I said that I wasn't myself anymore because I was always worried sick, and that things weren't going to work, but I didn't technically break up with her. It was honestly the last thing I wanted to do. she seemed surprised, and slightly hurt.

The next day, after her final I went to go look for her. She was in the library studying. The look she gave me was sickening. She obviously didn't want me there. She was with C. I sat down and gave her the big smile that usually worked, but it didn't this time. We talked a bit, halfheartedly. She eventually said that we weren't happy to see eachother anymore, and asked me if I wanted to breakup. I sort of brushed a pile of leaves over the situation, saying that we could pull through. I left the library.

 

Seniors have this thing called "cleansing" where we basically put all our problems with eachother out on the table. Cleansing was right after the talk with Rachel. I went to the busses where we were going to get bussed off into the mountains. At the last second though, I thought to myself that I shouldn't be going off to cleansing with this relationship on my mind. I ran back to the lunchroom where she was standing in line. I decided that it would be healthiest for both of us to end it right now. I walked up to here and said something like "You're right, things aren't working. Let's break up. Thank you for everything" I kissed her on the forehead and walked out, devastated. She didn't say anything, but didn't really have the chance to or didn't care. Not sure which. Right afterwards I texted her two closest friends, one of them being C, asking them to look out for her and care for her for a while becasue I didn't want Rachel doing anything stupid like hurting herself.

 

Apparantely this really pissed her off. I didn't know until afterwards, but they had sat down at lunch and all decided what to text me back. C just texted me back "Don't flatter yourself." I replied just saying "you're right, I'm sorry, thank you for everything you've done for me C".

 

I was heartshattered, and cried a bunch during cleansing. That night, I called her dad on the phone, and apologized and said that I really loved his daughter, but she didn't have feelings for me anymore and I couldn't handle it. He didn't really give a **** about it one way or the other, but told me that Rachel had just gone home and studied, and she seemed fine. Rachel got VERY angry about me calling her dad when she found out later.

That same night I texted rachel telling her I needed closure. She just said that she was busy studying and we could talk later.

 

On wednesday, after her last final, I went down and waited for her. She did not look happy to see me whatsoever. I asked her to talk, and she told me to make it quick she had somewhere to be. I pulled her around the corner and once again thanked her for being my girlfriend. I told her I had been crying about breaking up with her, and that she meant a lot to me. She didn't bat a ****in' eye. I asked her to tell me honestly if she was acting the way she was because I was leaving to college and she didn't want to get hurt. She said that wasn't it at all, and that she had so many other problems that a breakup was the least of her problems. She said that our relationship had been leaning towards friendship for a very long time, and that I didn't mean much to her anymore. I kept my cool and said something along the lines of "well, I'm sorry that's how you feel, but the main point of me talking to you was to thank you. I'll probably never talk to you again, do you even care?" She said not really, and walked away. I was utterly in shambles.

She was going to come to my graduation the next day, but ended up not even saying hi to me. It was quite apparent that she didn't care about me anymore.

 

The day of graduation I talked to one of her friends about why she did what she did, and she started texting rachel while I was in the same room. Rachel basically said that she didn't have feelings for me anymore. I was sort of using her friend to get to Rachel, and Rachel and C saw right through it and called me out. C told me that I needed to accept that things were over. I really didn't want to. I still don't.

Fast forward one week. I had her blocked on all social media. But one of our mutual friends thought that it would be a good idea if I messaged her. I messaged her saying hi, and she explained to me that she didn't mean to be so cruel about everything and that she understand what it was like to love someone for the first time.

This was her second relationship, the first one was a few months earlier with a sort of badboy kid. She apparently really liked him, but had to break up with him because he cheated on her. I remember her being a bit heartbroken about it.

I basically said if she wanted to hang out I was going to be here for a while. She non-chalantly replied "sure sure" but that she was on Oahu and was going to be busy when she got back. But would be available later.

Fast forward four days later, and this is where I currently am. I can't stop crying. I formed such strong emotional bonds with this girl, and I still truly love her, even though I consistently lie to myself about it. She hasn't messaged me once, or re-added me on facebook.

I tried hanging out with other girls, even hot ones, but I just don't find anyone else attractive. It really sucks, I have a bad case of one-itus.

All I want is to be with this girl, even though I know I'm going to have to go off to college. I'm scared about her losing her virginity to some sleaze bag on a one night stand.

I don't understand why she lost feelings for me. I'm thinking maybe I was too clingy, but wtf sorry for loving you too much.

 

Sorry I know some of this writing got sloppy, but I'm just mind-dumping.

 

Part of me wants to move on, to not like her anymore. Part of me has hope, which I know can be dangerous. Most of me knows that this is over.

 

I'm scared that I'll never find this attraction towards anyone again. I have no doubt that I can get girls in college, but I have my doubts as to how much I'll like a girl that has already had these kinds of experiences with other guys.

 

I'll take any advice I can get.

[TaraMaiden2]

I suspect you're quite young, so I will stick my neck out and tell you that yes, you will find this kind of emotional high again, and it will be better.

 

Better, because you will have matured, emotionally. If you're under 25 years of age, your front-lobe neurons haven't completely connected yet, which is why everything is so black-and-white, do-or-die, dare all and jump in with both feet.

 

Honestly, that's not being insulting, it's anatomically, biologically accurate.

 

So really, you just need to give it time, and go complete No Contact.

 

(Here's how.)

 

I will confess, I didn't read all or most of your post. W-a-a-a-a-a-y too long.

And basically it's boy meets girl, invests far too much emotionally, gets burned, heart breaks....

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I know it hurts.

But trust an old-timer.

This WILL pass.

You'll be fine.

 

Throw yourself into enjoying life, because you've got a long road ahead, and it's too nice a trip to waste yearning after one person, when all of the world lies ahead of you.

[lakerman34]

I suspect you're quite young, so I will stick my neck out and tell you that yes, you will find this kind of emotional high again, and it will be better.

 

Better, because you will have matured, emotionally. If you're under 25 years of age, your front-lobe neurons haven't completely connected yet, which is why everything is so black-and-white, do-or-die, dare all and jump in with both feet.

 

Honestly, that's not being insulting, it's anatomically, biologically accurate.

 

So really, you just need to give it time, and go complete No Contact.

 

(Here's how.)

 

I will confess, I didn't read all or most of your post. W-a-a-a-a-a-y too long.

And basically it's boy meets girl, invests far too much emotionally, gets burned, heart breaks....

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I know it hurts.

But trust an old-timer.

This WILL pass.

You'll be fine.

 

Throw yourself into enjoying life, because you've got a long road ahead, and it's too nice a trip to waste yearning after one person, when all of the world lies ahead of you.

 

I agree.

 

EVERYONE goes through this, EVERYONE has a "first breakup." The first is the worst, 2nd is pretty bad, and progressively, you don't exactly grow "numb" to it, but it becomes a part of life. Eventually. People meet. People hit it off. People REALLY like each other for a while. Love ends.

 

It'll happen for you again. Dude, I was a WRECK in my first breakup. My grades suffered, I felt depression for the first time in my life, I was just so emotionally vulnerable. My confidence went away, my thick skin went away, my appetite went away (and thus a few pounds), but with time, it all came back WITH A VENGEANCE.

 

Go NC. Absolutely. It's the BEST thing you can do for yourself. Don't let Hollywood decide how you move on this (boomboxing outside her window is going to make you look desperate, not cute).

 

No Contact. Move on. A better girl is right around the corner.

[Tuck]

Thank you, means a lot. I just keep hearing from people that the first time you fall in love is way different from any other time. I don't want it to be different.

[TaraMaiden2]

It's different, but that doesn't mean 'better'.

It's different because there is no comparison.

It's different because it's the first.

Others will be different too, and better with it.

Better because maturity brings new insight.

[Shontopost]

I'm sorry this happened. I know what it's like to be hurt and to believe that only someone else can fix the pain.

 

But if you continue to contact her (and her friends and family), you will only come across as desperate and push her further away. And I know that's not what you want.

 

Remember life before you started dating her? Try and live in that world for a little while. Go places that you never went to with her. And start to think about college.

 

I know it's hard to believe, but you're about to meet so many people who are going to change your life in ways that are unimaginable. You might find, a year from now, that this relationship pales in comparison to a new one.

 

When you do go, try and keep an open mind about others, and seek connections that are meaningful to you personally.

 

Good luck.

[Jimmyjackson]

I still miss my ex, also my first like yourself.

 

Whenever I feel sad I just remember that it's not like I was going to spend the rest of my life with my first ever girlfriend, people need to try different things..trial and error and all that stuff.

 

Chin up, mate.

[Thecondor1991]

Alright man you need to hear this and I'm going to be as blunt with you as I possibly can, and I'm hoping what I say will help you understand your situation a bit more. You and this girl are in high school. In high school we all find a girl that we think "is the one" I had one. Her name was Krystal. She was beautiful, had a rocking body, and had the sexiest walk you've ever seen. Long story short, she cheated on me. She broke my little high school heart. I thought it was the end of the world and thought I would never find someone else. Guess what happened? I did find someone else like a month later. Then Guess what happened? we broke up too. Then I went off to college, met even sexier females and dated a few more times. Dude like I said I'm being blunt. You said your 6'2, and you play volleyball, and your good looking, and you seem like a really caring person, you don't even realize that you have literally won the heart of a thousand women. Most women would kill to be with a guy like you. You need to see this break up for what it is, a high school fling. nothing more. You haven't even experienced what a real grown up relationship is like. Give it time. I hate to tell you this but I'm sure this wont be your last heart break. You probably got a few more of those coming your way. Your still young, enjoy your life, date as much as you want, you'll find true love, but believe me all good things come in time. If you really want to see a messed up story read mine, Im sure it will make you feel a lot better about yours. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/531106-full-story-end-my-story-long

[kasop]

That took awhile to read lol. I had like 3 relationships in hs that were like this. I took them all very hard. Sense hs i had 2 more that both ended in flames. Im 25 now and it took me until now to really learn from my mistakes. At least you are tackling this while you are young. Read more about dynamics of relationship and boundaries and so on. Prepare yourself for your next relationship because you will find another stunning girl who is all about you. But you need to watch out for red flags and know when to back off. Being needy and desperate before, during, or after a relationship will only cause bad results. Its taken me alot of pain to realize this. Good luck

[Tuck]

Thanks guys, this is all really helpful. I'll be sure to read your stories as well. I'm just focusing on myself now, and it seems to be helping. My thoughts constantly drift back to her though. I know a lot of you poor blokes had much worse heartbreaks than mine, and my thoughts go out to you as well.

[Tuck]

Update:

 

I broke NC and now we are going to hang out on Saturday at the beach. I'm not as emotionally attached as I was even a few days ago. I figure why not, I'm leaving in a month anyway. Might as well.

[Tuck]

Here's an update just for anyone that was curious how this ended up. I'm sure all of you forgot about this post within five minutes of replying, but all the same here's what happened after:

My last update I stated that I broke NC and that we were going to the beach.

The day we were supposed to go the beach, she texted me saying she was sick and couldn't go. I replied feel better. That's the last time I've ever texted her.

Soon after I unblocked her on all social media, but never re added her, and still haven't.

 

About two months later I was still devastated. I broke all the rules and revisited every place we had been. Part of me wanted just for it to be over, for my feelings to be gone, but an even larger part of me wanted to run into her again, even though I knew it would only make things worse.

 

Interestingly enough at about three months later I did run into her at her work, a candy shop (I didn't know she worked there). I ordered from her, not knowing what else to do. We small talked a bit, but it was quite apparent she wanted nothing to do with me. I walked away without looking back.

 

Not at all the glorious reunion I had foolishly fantasized.

 

All summer I was fairly devastated, even after I had moved to California to stay with my sister. I'd say the moment I got over her was in the second week of college, when I hooked up with an absolutely gorgeous girl. It really is true that another girl can take your mind off of her.

I will admit, however, that my mind occasionally does wander back to the times we spent together. I will also admit that the time I spent with that girl was the happiest I have ever been in my entire life, even still. I have yet to experience anything with a girl that compares to it. I truly loved her, and I still find it somewhat hard to believe that I could love another as much as I did her.

 

In hindsight, I made quite a lot of silly mistakes in that relationship. I was "whipped", clingy, and didn't really respect her personal space. Leaving flowers in her locker whenever something small happened only pushed her farther away. She was also manically depressed at times, and happened to be when I panicked and broke up with her. I can literally laugh at how stupid I was.

 

In the end though, I was going off to college, so it didn't really matter either way. That relationship has honestly prepared me for my next one, and for my next one to be smooth sailing.

 

My advice to anyone that has gone through, or is going through a similar thing:

It truly does get better. I remember the pain that I was in, nothing made me happy. Every time I thought of how it ended I would fall into a dark abyss, and wouldn't even eat. It gets better, give it a few months, or maybe even at bit longer. Talking to other women can help a lot as well. To everyone that posted on this forum, you guys were right, NC is the way to go. I'm still NC and probably will always be, and I'm ok with that.